The ACT versus Orgeron

Last time around we saw Ed Orgeron stomp Mike Ditka into a fine paste in their head-to-head showdown. The shrimp boat captain's brawling, alligator wrestling tactics were simply too much for the former Bears and Saints coach, who seemed a little distracted by trade talks for former 49ers quarterback, Steve Bono. By the time Ditka realized he wasn't a coach and Bono doesn't play anymore, Orgeron had already tied him into a figure eight.

This week, Coach O goes up against another formidable foe in the ACT. While not as physically imposing as Ditka, the ACT has been giving Ole Miss athletics fits for years. And years. So how will Coach Orgeron handle it? Let's go to the tale of the tape.

The ACT

Height: N/A
Weight: Heavy.
Strengths: Very smart and organized. Requires opponent to give full concentration at all times. Has the ability to hold someone's future over them in a cruel way. Often dominates athletes.
Weaknesses: Comes in a paper form. Can be fooled into not knowing the difference between "Chris Strong" and Chris Strong.
Intangibles: A savvy veteran.

Ed Orgeron

Height: 6'1"-ish
Weight: 220-ish
Strengths: Hmmmm.....let's see. The aforementioned alligator wrestling and bare knuckle fighting. He also is good at headbutting people and if need be, he could probably unhinge his jaw and eat someone. And even though they're implied in all those things, let's add intensity, rage, and hate.
Weaknesses: Coaching football and getting players that meet admissions requirements on campus.
Intangibles: I think alligator wrestling pretty much covers all the bases here.

The Result:
Another tough call. The ACT has dominated Ole Miss in the past, sending many potential athletes into the junior college ranks where they would eventually leave and sign with another school. Orgeron suffered early at the hands of the ACT, but has recently come storming back. Most notably with Chris Strong, who has allegedly made a qualifying score. If Strong does in fact attend Ole Miss in the fall, I think we could chalk up another win for Orgeron. Until then, I will call this match a draw.

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from the second worst movie ever made, Con Air, starring Nicolas Cage and a host of others who tried to attempt career suicide. Unfortunately for the free world, Cage's career survived and he went on to make many more terrible movies.

As for our scene today, Cage has just gone down into the storage area of the plane only to discover Billy Bedlam rummaging through his personal effects, including the cherished crappy bunny he wants to give his daughter. Bedlam also learns that Cameron Poe is not the hardened criminal he's made himself out to be. It's safe to say, things quickly escalate....


Cameron Poe: Put the bunny back in the box.


Billy Bedlam: I knew you was a punk. And I was right. You been playin' us all along. You a free man.


Cameron Poe: I said, put the bunny......back in the box.


Billy Bedlam: Die punk!!!!! (Fight ensues with lots of groping and punching. It finally ends when Poe impales Bedlam on a broken pipe.)


Cameron Poe: Why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box?

And that, my friends, is what we call acting.

Ditka versus Orgeron

This week a new feature is presented on the Belly of the Beast. Each week we're going to try to match up Ed Orgeron against someone or something and basically give a tale of the tape to determine if, in fact, Coach O is indestructible (physically that is, we already know the rest of the SEC has done a pretty good job of destroying him on the football field).

Our first feature bout pits Coach O against a legend, none other than former Bears coach Mike Ditka. Now according to the guys on Saturday Night Live, Ditka is pretty much unbeatable. He once took down a hurricane named Ditka and only lost to God by a field goal. It sounds like a tall order for the shrimp boat captain, alligator wrestler, and bare knuckle fighter. Let's go to the tale of the tape:

Mike Ditka

Height: 6'3"
Weight: 228 lbs. in his playing days. Now? We'll call it 240.
Strengths: Intensity, ultra-competitive, former pro football player.
Weaknesses: Once traded 31 draft picks for Ricky Williams. Once traded for Heath Shuler. Once started Kerry Collins. Once started both Billy Joe Tolliver and Billy Joe Hobert.
Intangibles: Won a Super Bowl with Jim McMahon at quarterback. Suffered a heart attack in 1987 but just assumed it was a painful hiccup.

Ed Orgeron

Height: 6'1"-ish
Weight: 220-ish
Strengths: Hmmmm.....let's see. The aforementioned alligator wrestling and bare knuckle fighting. He also is good at headbutting people and if need be, he could probably unhinge his jaw and eat someone. And even though they're implied in all those things, let's add intensity, rage, and hate.
Weaknesses: Coaching football and getting players that meet admissions requirements on campus.
Intangibles: I think alligator wrestling pretty much covers all the bases here.

The Result:
This is a tough one. Ditka's victory over a hurricane is pretty impressive as well as taking God to the wire. But in the end, there's no way Ditka could remotely hang with Ed Orgeron. I mean, this is a man that throws furniture through hotel walls and challenges an entire football team to a fight. And he drives a HUMMER!!!! After Coach O got through with Ditka, Dikta would look like a bloody human pretzel.

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from yet another fine piece of American cinema. And when I say fine piece of American cinema, I mean the absolute worst movie ever made. That's right, none other than Armageddon. Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck star in a movie that made Congo look like The Godfather. And it just so happens they bring us our dramatic scene for today's conversation. The scene is right after straws have been drawn to determine who has to detonate the nuclear bomb and save the world but die in the process. And as you remember, Affleck's character drew the short straw. So here's Bruce Willis as Harry Stamper and Ben Affleck as A.J. (who apparently has no last name).


A.J.: Tell Grace that I'll, I'll always be with her. Can you do that?


Harry Stamper: Yeah. Okay kid.
[Pulls A.J.'s air hose out and rips off his own mission badge and hands it to A.J.]
Give this to Truman! Make sure Truman gets that! Get in there!
[Pushes A.J. back into the hatch and closes the door]
It's my turn now.


A.J.: Harry! You can't do this to me! It's my job!


Harry Stamper: You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. I always thought of you as a son. I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.


A.J.: [Beginning to cry] Harry!!!


Harry Stamper: You take care of yourself.
[Pushes a button sending the hatch up]
I love you.


A.J.: No wait Harry I love you! Harry don't do this! I love you! No wait a minute!


Harry Stamper: Bye son.

Now that, my friends, is what we call acting. I'll need a few minutes to gather myself after that.

Friday Classic Conversation

This week's Classic Conversation comes from what some consider the greatest movie ever made. That's right, Point Break. So without any more delay, I present Johnny Utah and Bodhi.......


Johnny Utah: Lose something, bro?

Bodhi: Special Agent Utah. I knew I could count on you.

Johnny Utah: I've been to every city in Mexico. Came across an unclaimed piece of meat in Baja, turned out to be Rosie. Guess he picked a knife fight with somebody better. Found a passport of yours in Sumatra, missed you by about a week in Fiji. But l knew you wouldn't miss a 50-year storm, Bodhi.

Bodhi: Yeah.

Johnny Utah: Too bad. You finally get your waves and it's totally closed out.

Bodhi: Just waiting for my set.

Johnny Utah: You gotta go down. You crossed the line and people trusted you and they died.

Bodhi: Yeah, it went bad, went real bad. Life sure has a sick sense of humour, doesn't it? Still surfing?

Johnny Utah: Everyday. Come on, Bodhi. It's time to go. You know you gotta go back with me.

Bodhi: (laughs) Sorry, my friend.

Johnny Utah: Come on! (Fight ensues and ends with Johnny handcuffing his wrist to Bodhi's)

Bodhi: SHlT! NO! NO!

Johnny Utah: I told them you'd go quietly.

Bodhi: NO! You know there's no way I can handle a cage, man.

Johnny Utah: I don't care. You gotta go down. It's gotta be that way.

Bodhi: OK, man. OK. I'm screwed. I'm gonna go to jail and I'll pay, and Johnny Utah gets his guy. Right? Good for you. That's real good. You're gonna be a big hero now. But look at it, Johnny. Look at it! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, man. Just let me go out there, let me get one wave before you take me. One wave. Where am l gonna go, man? Cliffs on both side. l'm not gonna paddle to New Zealand! My whole life has been about this moment, Johnny. Come on, compadre.

Johnny Utah: Come on.

Bodhi: COME ON!

Johnny Utah: (long, dramatic pause after he lets Bodhi go) Vaya con Dios.