In 1861, the town of Osceola, Missouri was attacked, looted, burned, and terrorized by a group of men known as "jayhawkers" from Kansas who were part of group that went around and attacked, looted, burned, and terrorized anything in Missouri. After all the murder and destruction ended, only about 200 residents remained of what was once a town of 2,500.
On Tuesday, people in the government of Osceola passed a resolution asking Kansas University to stop "the celebration of this murderous gang of terrorists by an institution of ‘higher education’ in such a brazen and malicious manner."
All that fancy highbrow political talk means that this is how they interpreted the events of 1861: Click to enormosize.
Kansas University, in non-fancy political highbrow talk, responded by lighting the torches one more time:
“A Jayhawk is a blue bird with a red head and a big yellow beak that wears boots," Kansas News Service Director Jill Jess told the Columbia Daily Tribune. "It would be hard to confuse it with anyone with terrorist intent, though we admit we have been terrorizing the Tigers on the basketball court for some time. Tigers have been known to kill people. Bears, too.”
Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.
1. Ted Roof
Joe Lee Dunn: "I tell ya, the boy doesn't appear to have a lick of aggression in his body, but his strategy of waiting for the other team to screw up seems to be working."
2. Joker Phillips
Dave Rowe: "Gutty win by Joker and the Wildcats. Central Michigan really (static noise covers rest of comment)
3. Houston Nutt
Replay official: "Can't wait for Houston to wildly challenge a play that's not even close. It'll cost him the game and the shred of good favor he has left at Ole Miss."
4. David Lee
Dave Rowe: "David Lee is one of the most innovative minds in all of football! And he hates the quarterback sneak, which is the worst play in football!"
5. Tyrone Nix
Joe Lee Dunn: "Now here's someone with some aggression. My kind of guy. Full house, casino blitzes in obvious blitzing downs. No other way to live."
6. Barrett Trotter
Joe Lee Dunn: "If I could just have one crack at him, oh, man. They'd be picking him out of the grass. Someone would probably score, but they'd be picking up the pieces of him after."
7. Tyler Bray
Dave Rowe: "WOW!!!!"
8. James Franklin
Replay official: "You really think we're going to let Vandy get some momentum? Enjoy your stay here, Mr. Franklin."
9. Stephen Garcia
Joe Lee Dunn: "If you can't understand how or why a quarterback operates, you're dealing with doubt, which is very dangerous. So, when in doubt, blitz everyone."
10. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "A fake punt from his own 32? The Ball Coach isn't afraid of anything! Except maybe the back nine at Augusta!"
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 12-8-1 (.595)
Auburn (+3.5) at Clemson
The one-year anniversary of the first proclaimed God-thing win. After Clemson led 17-3 at halftime, Auburn woke up and ripped off 21 straight points. Clemson added a fourth quarter touchdown to force overtime, where they promptly missed an open receiver in the end zone and the field goal try that soon followed. Auburn did not miss their field goal.
Chizik told ESPN's sideline reporter that tonight was "a God-thing." Then he did this:
Ric Flair approved of that WHOOOOOO!!!
As for this game, let's see...
/checks to see if Dabo Swinney is still coaching Clemson
/laughs
/laughs
/laughs
/checks again to make sure he really is
/snort-laughs
"Larry Smith has shown that the one SEC team he can beat is Ole Miss."
I'm not sure Larry Smith would even be a good high school quarterback right now, but against Ole Miss he turns into skinny, black Tebow with a worse arm. And it's not because he elevates his game, no, it's because we are terrible.
Ole Miss has no identity on offense, an offensive line that admits it can't block a 3-4 scheme or defenses that stunt, and, as predicted, is playing two quarterbacks because its coaches can't make up their minds. GLAD WE'RE WORKING THIS STUFF OUT AS WE GO.
Let me tell you how this is going to go. Vandy is going to run read-option plays over and over again until they hit a few big plays, which they will. It's amazing that one type of play is going to run Tyrone Nix out of coordinating defenses for the rest of his career, but it will. Ole Miss will spend two and a half quarters farting around, running this play and that one, oooh, and that one over there, with no particular direction in mind, just running plays. A rally will get started late in the third quarter, but ultimately fall short because we have no clue what the hell we are doing.
Vanderbilt and the two points, please.
Coastal Carolina at Georgia (-28.5)
I'll be amazed if Coastal Carolina shows up with everyone wearing the same uniform. Georgia to cover.
Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
Neither team has played anyone yet (Cincinnati does not count; they won four games last year), so who knows what the hell is going to happen here. I know I don't. Vegas seems high on the Gators, who, given the history of their team, are also probably high right now, but as long as my eyes don't deceive me, I notice that John Brantley is still playing quarterback for Florida.
While people who have subjected themselves to watching FAU and UAB play Florida say that Brantley looks much improved, would you trust him to cover a game by 10? Tyler Bray, of the gunslinger variety, has played exceptionally well thus far, but against far inferior competition. But, notice the word "gunslinger" and, coupled with everyone on God's green earth anointing him the next great SEC quarterback, thus convincing him his shit doesn't stink, can you trust him not to throw three or four passes to the other team trying to fit a pass in a window the size of a quarter?
THIS IS WHY GAMBLING IS SO HARD.
I've convinced myself to take Florida under the notion that I think Tennessee's defense to be a little soft and slow, which is a bad combination going against Florida's speedy rushers. That, and I do not trust Tyler Bray, mostly because we've never met, partially because of his jazz stars back tattoo, and a tiny bit because he's got a four interception game in him somewhere.
Navy at South Carolina (-17)
South Carolina is 2-0 and, except for Marcus Lattimore and a few big plays, has not looked good. Stephen Garcia looks completely out of sorts (more than usual) and its defense is hemorrhaging points. However, the defense catches a break this week, with a one-dimensional offense in Navy. It's a disciplined and successful offense, but South Carolina will possess athletic superiority across the board. I expect them to give a few big plays because that's what South Carolina does, but I don't think we're going to see Navy throw up 30+ points.
So that puts the burden of the cover on the Gamecock offense. Navy has played Delaware and Western Kentucky so far, so they haven't experienced this year the power and speed they'll see on Saturday. And two of their cornerbacks put together probably aren't as big as Alshon Jeffery. Against my better judgment, I'm casting my lot with an what I think will be an improved South Carolina offense and taking them to cover.
Louisville at Kentucky (-6.5)
Most amazing fact about this game: Someone is going to win. Maybe. And based on a betting strategy I just made up, which says, always take the points in a game involving two bad teams, I'm taking Louisville.
Troy at Arkansas (-23.5)
I like Arkansas' chances of making it through the first three games outscoring its opponents by a combined score of 155-17. Arkansas and the cover.
North Texas at Alabama (-45.5)
Oh, if only this were true. AND MAYBE IT IS.
Alabama to cover.
*You will NOT double your paycheck.
MAN AGAINST BEAST Peter Venkman
Season: 16-7 (.696)
Clemson
Vanderbilt
Georgia
Florida
South Carolina
Kentucky
Arkansas
Alabama
Mr. Blue
Season: 14-9 (.609)
Clemson
Stared down both slices, slowly walked over to Clemson’s beef, gave one last look to Auburn before destroying Clemson.
Vandy
No one, man or beast, has ever taken down this much meat in the name of Vanderbilt University.
UGA
Blue actually farted on his way over to the Bulldog meat.
Florida
Ate Florida, leaned back and licked his red rocket, then made no attempt to eat Volunteer beef.
Navy
Left the kitchen, rolled his bed up like a taco, made love to aforementioned taco-bed, then polished off Navy.
Inconclusive
Glanced at both meats, then walked into my closet and went to sleep
Troy
Alabama
Ate Bama, then part of North Texas before dropping half of North Texas in his water bowl.
POE VERSUS LOW Cameron Poe
Season: 20-3 (.870)
Auburn at Clemson
This year's game will be even more gut wrenching for the Upstate Tigers. Clemson will lose this game when the holder fumbles the snap on a last-second 22-yard game-winning field goal try. (35-34 Auburn)
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
This game is too miserable to think about. The "JP Game of the Week Memorial Trophy" heads back to Oxford this year. (14-13 OM)
Coastal Carolina at Georgia
Both of these teams play like Cats. (45-0 UGA)
Tennessee at Florida
I hope Dooley rocks the orange pants in the Swamp. I don't think the pants will help on the scoreboard, though. (21-17 Gators)
Navy at South Carolina
I have absolutely nothing to say about this game. (35-10 Cocks)
Louisville at Kentucky
Two of the worst BCS conference teams battle to be the best team in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. What's the deal with a Commonwealth? It's sounds communist to me. I'm glad I live in a state. As for the game, I feel sorry for anyone who has to watch that pile of shit. (20-14 UK)
Troy at Arkansas
Arkansas has enjoyed a poo poo platter of opponents during the first 3 weeks of the season. (56-14 hogs)
North Texas v. Alabama
I feel a little better about the quarterback position after last week's game. Chest tattoo boy looked cool, calm, and collected in a what was a very hostile environment. I am back on board after jumping off of the wagon during the Kent State game. Did you hear me, AJ? I'm buying in to you even though you have a chest tattoo, so don't be an asshole and play like shit this week. (42-7 Bama)
Chris Low
Season: 20-3 (.870)
Alabama
Arkansas
Georgia
Kentucky
South Carolina
Ole Miss
Auburn
Florida
KING OF THE RING C-USA Edition
Gray 12-1
Venkman 12-1
Poe 13-0
Tulane at UAB Gray: UAB. Can we gamble on the number of Tulane fans to make the trip? Surely it'll be no more than 30, right? I expect UAB will triple that number. Venkman: UAB. If Legion Field collapsed during a game with no one in attendance, would it still make a sound? Poe: UAB
UCF at Florida International Gray: FIU. I saw a highlight of one FIU player who looked faster than everyone else. Granted, they were playing Louisville and everyone is faster than that, but color me impressed. Venkman: Pretty sure I thought these two were the same school for the first 25 years of my life. Poe: FIU
Marshall at Ohio Gray: Ohio. While I love McConaughey, I don't want him coaching my football team. Leading me on a treasure hunt in the Sahara for a Confederate ironclad? Absolutely. But football team, no. Venkman: Marshall. I’d run through a brick wall for Matthew Mcconaughey, and so would you. Poe: Ohio
Austin Peay at Memphis Gray: Austin Peay. I just believe in the perfect season for Memphis. Venkman: Memphis. I’ve looked into this, and it may be more cost-effective to encase the Liberty Bowl in a massive pyramid and call it The Tomb of Doom Part Deux. Poe: Austin Peay
Houston at LA Tech Gray: Houston. Someone tell Kevin Sumlin to send his resume to Oxford, please. Venkman: Houston. Phi Slamma Jamma baby! Poe: Houston
SE Louisiana at Southern Miss. Gray: USM. My favorite part about Hattiesburg is using the bypass to go around most of Hattiesburg. Venkman: USM Poe: USM
UTEP at New Mexico St. Gray: UTEP. Never give up, Pappy Price. Venkman: New Mexico State Poe: UTEP. Did you know that this a rivalry game? I sure as hell did not. This is the "Sonic Battle of Interstate-10." I bet the trophy is a piece of asphalt.
Northwestern State at SMU Gray: SMU. I think it's about time the AD at Northwestern State called the Shrimp Boat Captain and asked him to come home. Venkman: SMU. If you think Craig James is a tool now, watch Pony Excess. Poe: SMU
Oklahoma State at Tulsa Gray: Oklahoma State Venkman: Oklahoma State Poe: Oklahoma State
The rest of the picks, power poll, and other parts of this dog and pony show will be up tomorrow. But, in the name of accountability, our picks for tonight's LSU/Mississippi State game.
DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK*
Gray
Season: 11-8-1 (.575)
LSU (-4) at Mississippi State
I'm having trouble getting motivated to write something here. Feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Is there anyone out there who can get my ass in gear?
Well say, Coach Croom, well say.
With the loss to Auburn last week, Mississippi State continues to build evidence, dating back to last season, that they are a team that beats bad teams easily, needs a few breaks to get by average teams, and loses to good teams. I attribute that to two factors: One, while talent is sprinkled here and there, it's not a team with a heavy amount of talented players. Two, they are a one-dimensional offense.
Against bad teams, neither of those things matter, as long as you don't turn the ball over or do other dumb things to keep you from winning. Against teams like yourself, the difference in talent becomes almost nothing, which means you have to make a few more plays than the other team, or have them make the dumb mistakes. The other team isn't good enough to fully exploit your weaknesses, nor you theirs, so it comes down to being the least dumb and most efficient team.
The story changes against good teams. They have the ability to take away what you love to do and make you do what you don't want to do. In this case, LSU has the ability to keep State's running game (meaning: their offense) from putting up the yards and points we've seen so far. Their focus will be on making Chris Relf throw deeper and more often than he or Dan Mullen wants.
A full season and some change as a starter says he can't do it, but for State to win, he has to do it. It won't have to be many, but four or five big passing plays would probably change LSU's entire approach on defense, and would open more opportunities for State's offense. I'm betting he won't be able to, and, in combination with State's defensive front seven that looked awful against Auburn, I'm taking the Tigers to cover.
*You will NOT double your paycheck.
MAN AGAINST BEAST Peter Venkman
Season: 16-6 (.727)
Mississippi State
Mr. Blue
Season: 13-9 (.590)
LSU - Immediately inhaled the slice of beef on top of the LSU index card.
POE VERSUS LOW Cameron Poe
Season: 19-3 (.863)
The hype for this game has diminished considerably since Mississippi State shit the bed and lost to Auburn. Granted, they were going up against the will of God, but teams that have been running their mouth about winning the West should be able to beat average teams on the road. The team coming to Starkville today is not an average team. They will stop State's run, which amounts to shutting down State's entire offense.
One dimensional offenses do not move the ball against defenses like LSU. State's biggest scoring threat is a Jarrett Lee TAINT (touchdown after INT). Mr. Lee has been TAINT-less so far, but we all know the next TAINT is right around the corner. The problem for State is they need multiple TAINTS and their crappy defense is only capable of producing one TAINT. One TAINT is not enough TAINTS to win this game. I like saying TAINT. Dan Mullen goes to 0-9 in the West against teams not coached by Houston Nutt. (24-14 LSU)
Chris Low
Season: 19-3 (.863)
The middle of that Mississippi State defense looked vulnerable last week in the loss to Auburn. There’s nothing vulnerable about LSU’s defense, which looks faster and more menacing by the week. The Bulldogs will make a few plays on offense, but the Tigers will make a few more on defense. … LSU 27, Mississippi State 21
Tonight, Mississippi State and LSU begin this weekend's games with a rumble in Starkville on ESPN that promises to be about 80% run, 18% questionable decisions, and 2% pass. The last version of the game in Starkville saw State get to the LSU 1-yard line before being stuffed on a fourth down play that would have won the game, and probably remain as the biggest win in Dan Mullen's career (and I just now recognized the pain of losing two games inside the 1-yard line. YIKES.). It marked the 10th consecutive loss to the Tigers, followed by last year's 11th straight defeat.
Four years ago, also a Thursday night ESPN game in Starkville, a grossly incompetent coach made the decision to air it out with his woefully underskilled quarterback against a defense that was far superior in every matchup on the field that night. The first three interceptions were understandable. If the coach's team was going to win, they had to take some chances. But after the third interception, the chance of winning was gone.
Yet, despite the complete failure of his passing game, including an inability to protect his quarterback, the coach insisted that the passing continue. There was a fourth interception. Then a fifth. Finally, a sixth. And all were thrown by the same quarterback.
It was a grizzly scene that, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not sure which one, has been preserved by someone with way too much time on their hands. Seriously, someone has put highlights of like every LSU game from the past 10 years on YouTube (even the 2003 game against Ole Miss, which I have never gotten over). However, thanks to this dutiful person, we are able to observe that night and pay our respects to those involved on this kind-of-anniversary.
Just over 10 minutes, the video captures nearly all the of the damage. Sadly, interception number two did not make the video. But that's okay, because there were four more to be seen. For your convenience, I have marked the time of each interception so that you may be reminded in great detail of the events of that night.
#1 1:31
#3 3:35
#4 4:00
#5 6:30
#6 8:20
As chilling and career-crushing as I recall it to be. So now, please join us as we light our candles and raise our middle-of-the-road alcoholic beverages in memory of a performance, both playing and coaching, that we shall likely never see again. Michael Henig and Sylvester Croom, you are missed.
/raises lit candle and drink
/blows out candle
/guzzles drink
/yells "Go to hell, Ole Miss"
/throws cowbell at LSU fan
The Memphis Tigers, once a program that could best be described as "they'll give Ole Miss fits," has become the worst football team I've ever seen (conveniently after the Ole Miss series ended). In two games, they've been outscored 106-17 by Mississippi State and regional non-power Arkansas State. They are currently ranked 113th (253.5 yards/game) in total offense, 114th (8.5 ppg) in scoring offense, 120th (628.0 yards/game and dead last) in total defense, and 118th (53.0 ppg) in scoring defense. And from the one game I watched, they appear to be the least organized team in America, all the way down to fourth grade YMCA flag football teams.
So how have they set about to remedy this problem? By canning defensive coordinator Jay Hopson. This action's effect is most accurately demonstrated by Sean Penn, trying to do whatever it was he thought he could do post-Katrina in a jon boat:
