Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Let's Watch the Home Run Derby One More Time

(Small aside before I start, which makes me wonder if this is technically an aside since the main material hasn’t started yet: Remember when I said I was going to establish some kind of posting regularity? Well, I didn’t even make it one week before falling off schedule, which actually kind of impressed me. I thought I’d at least make it a week before indifference set it. Now I know just how lazy I really am.)

Welcome to the single worst week of sports all year long. Baseball, which is just something mildly entertaining to occupy time between the end of basketball season and the beginning of football season, has taken a break from its March to November marathon. NBA free agency signings have calmed down after a furious 12 hour period in which we already knew who was going to sign where. And it’s still way too damn early to start talking about college football. I actually thought about it this past weekend and within several hours of having those thoughts Greg Hardy and Dexter McCluster were in a car wreck that put Hardy back in his protective boot for another week or so. I’m not implying that I believe in any sort of weird jinx based on positive thoughts on Ole Miss, but my point is that September through December is already going to be such a soul draining, physically destructive experience that I don’t want to add any length to it. I’m doing my best to ignore it for the next month.

So with absolutely nothing to watch over the next few days (unless you count the All-Star game, which is debatable. Although, I suppose I’ll watch since I’ve already seen Four Brothers on TNT at least six times. Now if Con Air is on tonight, that might change things. I’m always up for a good comedy.), let’s go over what you can expect to see from now until Friday night when baseball games return:

-No less than 14,982 breakdowns of the two All-Star team’s lineups. Nothing says analysis quite like mentioning that both of these lineups are loaded with talent. You think so, doctor? Wait, Eric Young, you have something else to add? Yes, that is true. The three, four and five hitters for the America League are going to be tough to get out.

-The home run derby on a seemingly constant loop. This year’s derby was probably the most enjoyable for me in recent memory. Mainly because I watched it at a bar with the sound off, which meant I didn’t hear one word from Chris Berman, Joe Morgan or Steve Phillips. A trio of more insufferable gasbags I cannot recall.

-All-Star highlights on a constant loop. This game really counts!

-A quarter of a million breakdowns of the All-Star game. Well said Fernando Vina. You’re right, the American League was able to win because they scored more runs. Hadn’t even considered that.

-Several thousand segments on what to expect in the second half of the baseball season. I agree, John Kruk. Those teams in first place right now are going to be hard to beat. And I’ll bet you’re right, we will see some of them in the playoffs. What’s that, Eric? No, I don’t want to listen to you anymore.

-Hours of trade speculation by guys who have no idea. There has to be, or there at least should be, a website that tracks baseball, football and basketball writers/TV personalities/analysts claims or reports on trades that will happen according to their sources. I want to see what percentage of these trade claims actually happened. It can’t be more than 10 percent. And the site needs a really detailed archive. For instance, we could go back to July of 2008 and see that one of ESPN’s baseball guys said his source told him that the Braves were trading Mark Teixeira to the Angels for Casey Kotchman, a bag of balls, a minor league pitcher and a turd sandwich. Then we could all laugh at the ridiculous….oh, wait. That actually happened.

I’m sure I’ve left some a few things out, and, if so, go ahead and file those under unwatchable with the list above. Could you say that again, TBS? Yes, I am interested in watching Sahara again. Very interested.

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