Back again, but this time by popular demand. Well, if you count one out of one person who wanted to see it again, then it’s back by popular demand. Whatever. I’ll take it. Though this week, I’m adding a little wrinkle in which I will determine if, in fact, there is an actual sporting pulse on this non-football Wednesday. Again, this is not a knock on ESPN. These stories are literally the most exciting or interesting things going on in the world of sport as I write this.
Brodeur sets NHL wins mark. Wow. We’re off to a good start. I think this story was placed here not necessarily to point out Martin Brodeur’s achievement, but just to let everyone know the NHL is still in operation. Have you seen any hockey highlights lately? I know I haven’t. But in hockey’s defense, NHL ’94 for Sega Genesis and NHL Hitz for Nintendo GameCube were awesome video games.
Astros’ Boone to undergo open heart surgery. Remember that guy who once hit a home run in Game 7 of the ALCS that sent Red Sox fans into a state of belief that God truly did hate them and later tore his ACL playing basketball and was replaced at third base in New York by Alex Rodriguez? Well, this is the guy. Our number two story of the morning!
U.S. in WBC semis after rally in 9th. MLB front offices and managers crapped out a collective brick last night after this rally extended the WBC for the United States. They’ve been playing this thing for like two weeks and already the U.S. team has lost Dustin Pedroia, Chipper Jones (a total shock to me) and Matt Lindstrom for the remainder of the tournament. The longer this thing lasts, the greater the chances for some quality baseball injuries to occur. Things like a stiff pinkie, a tweaked back from a hard sneeze, an irritated left butt cheek and that dizzy feeling you get when you stay in a hot tub too long. Those are known as season killers.
Report: Pats, Cowboys on Peppers’ trade list. I think Julius Peppers asked Jake Delhomme where he was least likely to ever play once the Panthers get rid of him. Of that list, these were his favorites.
Say it ain’t toe: Lawson to miss tourney opener? Surely this is just a test run headline for ESPNKids (along with last week’s ESPNWomen, I’m practically giving ESPN free ideas for their quest to dominate everyone’s life). Otherwise, why would this even be allowed on this site?
Lance said ‘surprised’ doping test collected hair. Holy crap. FOOTBALL, DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITHOUT YOU? WE HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT HAIR SAMPLES GIVEN TO FRENCHMEN! And to make this story even worse, Armstrong let the world know about the test through his Twitter feed. If you’re unfamiliar with Twitter, just imagine someone you don’t really care about sending you a text message every time they change sitting positions or when a thought pops in their head. That’s what Twitter is like. Except it’s worse than that. Like eleventy billion times worse. I can’t wait to hear that Lance “found out he really likes vanilla ice cream more than chocolate.” Burn in a fire, Twitter.
Morehead State wins NCAA opener. I talked about the absurdity of this last week so I’ll avoid pummeling the dead horse. However, is the “dead horse” phrase a “dead horse” itself? I’m not even sure that makes sense, but I feel like we should come up with another phrase that means, “dead horse.” Of course, then that phrase is technically still a “dead horse,” but just has another name. Hmmm. Well whatever, this just won the dumbest paragraph ever award. Moving on.
LeBron’s clutch play propels Cavs by Magic. Yes, but if Zydrunas Ilgauskas hadn’t made an 18-foot jumper to start the game, would LeBron even had that opportunity? Holy crap, please let this post be over soon.
President fills out NCAA bracket for ESPN.com. It’s only a matter of time before Obama has his own Twitter feed. “During this morning’s Cabinet meeting, I mentioned the BCS!”
Giant Killers: The best upset picks are… You’ll have to wait for my completed bracket to be released to find out.
PULSE VERDICT: Dead.