From the Weekend That Was

From a weekend full of sloth, disgust, 35-second-profanity-laced rants aimed at teams to which I previously had no emotional attachments, and general wailing and gnashing of teeth…

The top four seeds advanced; some more easily than others. UCONN destroyed Texas A&M, while Louisville, Pittsburgh, and North Carolina all found themselves in the midst of some good old-fashioned, scrappy street fighting (there’s a joke to be made here involving the movie Dirty Work and the Chris Farley line, “Rolling Stones, Street Fighting Man! G-7!,” but I don’t want to take the time to figure it out. And yes, this site is free.).

The Tar Heels put LSU through one last pawn shop window late in the second half, which finally broke the Tigers’ will to keep fighting, while Pittsburgh and Louisville weren’t so lucky. Oklahoma State and Siena brought just about every kind of conceivable street weapon to their respective fights. Tire irons, hubcaps, trash cans, a ball and chain, nunchucks, tridents, and grenades they found on the way to the pants store. Unfortunately for both, they did not play near-perfect games and were put away in the final minute. Most likely it was for the best, because had they won, they’d need to lay low for a while because they’d probably be wanted for murder.

Washington and Arizona State: BURN IN A FIRE. The following is for all those who stupidly selected Washington and Arizona State to advance (like me). First, Washington. You’re practically playing a home game against a team that has to travel over 2,000 miles to get there and that displays the quickness of the computer on which I currently type. You were aware the game actually starts in the first half and not the second half, right? Way to show up ready to play. And why don’t you miss a few more free throws in the last three minutes? That’s always a good idea. I hope you join Clemson for eternity in the NIT.

And Arizona State. Why the hell did you even bother to show up? I would rather you forfeited that drop that stinkbomb on my television and giving me hope for an upset (all 11 seconds of hope). Really, thanks for caring. Your emotional fire was really something special. Yet another team that deserves eternity in the NIT.

And on a relatively related note, I will take this time to stop complaining and make note of my one successful upset pick: Cleveland State. So to all of you who picked Wake Forest, I am smarter than you.

The World Baseball Classic can’t hurt Americans anymore. Team USA was eliminated last night in the semifinals against Japan, setting off sighs of relief and drunken revelry at MLB teams’ front offices across the country. No more oblique strains, twisted ankles or arm ailments for athletes, errr, baseball players playing for an independent team even though they’re each contractually obligated to be in the best baseball condition possible for entirely different teams. However, in Chipper Jones’ case, he is contractually obligated to suffer no fewer than seven oblique strains a season.

The Ole Miss baseball team is allergic to sweeps. I know it’s disgustingly early to be talking about college baseball, but I thought I’d mention that the Ole Miss baseball team is carrying on the Ole Miss sports tradition of putting itself in position for a kill shot and folding miserably while attempting said shot. This week, the Rebels took the first two games from Alabama and while going for the sweep on Sunday, were promptly thumped 19-6. And just one weekend ago, they took the first two from Vanderbilt only to lose, although not as badly, on Sunday.

I’m not upset with the past two weekends (that would mean I have to care about baseball at this point) because whenever you can take two of three in consecutive weekends, it’s a good sign of what the team is capable of doing. Just remember this when the next opportunity arises for this team to land a knockout blow that would ensure its advancement in the postseason (i.e. pressure situations).

That was pretty much all I took out of the weekend. If I missed anything of note, let me know.