Friday, December 05, 2008

Everything You Need to Know About Week 14 in the NFL in Two Sentences

San Diego 34, Oakland 7
Uncle Jonathan’s corn cob pipe, the Raiders are bad. And thanks to everyone on the Raider’s coaching staff for ruining Darren McFadden’s fantasy season.

Jacksonville (4-8) at Chicago (6-6)
Fred Taylor claims this is the worst “team” (chemistry-wise, not skill) on which he’s ever played. Jags wide receiver, and former Raider, Jerry Porter takes umbrage with that remark.

Minnesota (7-5) at Detroit (0-12)
Looking at the schedule, this is probably the Lions’ last chance at a 1-15 season. It’s also the first time in the history of fantasy sports that fantasy owners are knowingly and willingly starting a back-up running back (Chester Taylor) because of the potential for massive points in mop-up duty, which should start in the second quarter.

Houston (5-7) at Green Bay (5-7)
How horrible is the NFC North? At 5-7, the Packers are still considered a solid favorite to come back and win the division.

Cleveland (4-8) at Tennessee (11-1)
Stealing from Bill Simmons, “That’s Ken Dorsey’s music!!!” Did anyone think we’d see a Ken Dorsey/Kerry Collins match-up this season?

Cincinnati (1-10) at Indianapolis (8-4)
What does it feel like to spend a couple thousand dollars on Bengals season tickets? Probably something similar to spending a second round fantasy pick on Reggie Wayne.

Atlanta (8-4) at New Orleans (6-6)
At this point in the season, Matt Ryan has a more legitimate claim to be an MVP candidate than Drew Brees. Just so we’re clear, this is the same Matt Ryan who spent last season killing Boston College’s chances of winning games.

Philadelphia (6-5) at NY Giants (11-1)
I’d like to formally send out a big, hearty f-you to Brian Westbrook for miraculously finding out his legs could hold up for last Thursday night’s game. Your last-second discovery prevented me from putting you in my starting lineup, and subsequently cost me 37 points in a game in which I lost by 27.

Kansas City (2-10) at Denver (7-5)
Chiefs coach Herm Edwards is, or at least should be, considered a dead man walking right now. But can someone explain to me why Carl Peterson (GM, President and CEO of the Chiefs), who’s made all the horrible personnel decisions, is still going to keep his job?

Miami (7-5) at Buffalo (6-6)
I feel for the city of Buffalo. They live through 8 months of 25-degree temperatures, 6 feet of snow on the ground during that time, they lost four straight Super Bowls and now their team is moving to Toronto.

NY Jets (8-4) at San Francisco (4-8)
I believe Mike Singletary has gone 4 weeks without dropping his pants. So, congratulations to him.

New England (7-5) at Seattle (2-10)
By the beard of Zeus, the Seahawks are bad. The only team more lifeless in Seattle than the Seahawks is the Sonics.

St. Louis (2-10) at Arizona (7-5)
I believe I read that the Rams players would love for Jim Haslett to be named head coach for next season. It’s like his time in New Orleans never happened.

Dallas (8-4) at Pittsburgh (9-3)
Why in the hell has the NFL not forced the Steelers to put artificial grass on their field? Mud football is an intramural sport, not a professional one.

Washington (7-5) at Baltimore (8-4)
Geographical rivals that aren’t rivals at all. Probably because they don’t recruit against each other, play in the same conference or fire coaches when one coach doesn’t match the success of the other coach.

Tampa Bay (9-3) at Carolina (9-3)
Both of these teams are 9-3? If you’re scoring at home, Jeff Garcia and Jake Delhomme are prominently involved with these teams.

No comments:

Post a Comment