Thursday, December 11, 2008

All You Need to Know About Every NFL Week 15 Game in Two Sentences

Chicago 27, New Orleans 24
Looks like the Saints are done in their quest for the playoffs. And it looks like Kyle Orton has become Rex Grossman with a beard.

Tampa Bay (9-4) at Atlanta (8-5)
If Atlanta loses, they're most likely out of the playoffs, which will end all this Matt Ryan for MVP talk (which is legitimate right now). If Tampa Bay loses, America wins because no one wants to watch a 16-10 first round playoff game involving the Bucs.

Washington (7-6) at Cincinnati (1-11-1)
I just noticed the Bengals record is actually a palindrome. That's pretty much the most interesting thing about a game between the slumping Redskins and a Bengals team whose coach really might have to be implicated in a murder in order to get fired.

Detroit (0-13) at Indianapolis (9-4)
The following people have thrown passes as a quarterback for the Lions this season:
Dan Orlovsky
Daunte Culpepper
Jon Kitna
Drew Stanton
Drew Henson

And Colts backup Jim Sorgi might be better than all of them.

San Diego (5-8) at Kansas City (2-11)
The Chargers need to win out and need the Broncos to lose out in order to win the AFC West. This, of course, means that Norv Turner will rise to the challenge and lead the Chargers to three straight losses.

Seattle (2-11) at St. Louis (2-11)
Let's take this time to get to know Texas Tech coach Mike Leach a little better...

And currently, on the NFL Network postgame show, Rich Eisen is either wearing a fedora or a bowler.

San Francisco (5-8) at Miami (8-5)
Apparently, the threat of seeing Mike Singletary's junk again has spurred 49ers players on to two straight wins. If Miami can win out, I look forward to my conversation with the Roach about yet another first round Dolphins exit from the playoffs, ala late '90s or early '00s.

Buffalo (6-7) at NY Jets (8-5)
Nothing would make me happier than to see Brett Favre get a head start on making more crappy Wrangler jeans commercials in the offseason. Unfortunately for me, he'll have to out suck Trent Edwards, which is probably impossible.

Tennessee (12-1) at Houston (6-7)
The Texans have the best receiver you've never heard of in Kevin Walter. The same guy who's on my fantasy team that managed to finish the regular season with the highest point total in the league, but didn't make the playoffs.

Green Bay (5-8) at Jacksonville (4-9)
Again, Fred Taylor called this the worst team (in terms of chemistry) on which he's ever played. Let's go ahead and put the Jags down for 4-12.

Minnesota (8-5) at Arizona (8-5)
The Cardinals are already in the playoffs and if the Vikings can hold steady, they're in. Gus Ferotte and/or Tarvaris Jackson in the playoffs is sort of like when you were little and let the kids who stink take their turn in the game just because you feel sorry for them.

Denver (8-5) at Carolina (10-3)
Playing running back for Denver this season is sort of like being the drummer for Spinal Tap. You'll get your one or two games of 100 yards rushing, but in a flash, your season will be over.

Pittsburgh (10-3) at Baltimore (9-4)
What if Troy Smith hadn't been injured? I don't think the Ravens would have five wins right now.

New England (8-5) at Oakland (3-10)
I know the Raiders have won three games, but if they were to play the Lions, would you take the Raiders? I don't see any scenario in the world were I would take them over the Lions, even if Dan Orlovsky somehow found his way back under center.

NY Giants (11-2) at Dallas (8-5)
Who would have guessed Terrell Owens and his quarterback don't really like each other? What will it take for this guy to not have a job in the NFL anymore?

Cleveland (4-9) at Philadelphia (7-5-1)
Ah, just what this NFL season needed, some more Cleveland Browns in primetime. And on an unrelated note, Lil' Wayne, if he were a closer in baseball, would come into a game to Semisonic's Closing Time.

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