Thursday, December 18, 2008

All You Need to Know About Every NFL Week 16 Game in Two Sentences

But first, the Andy Kennedy debacle. I'm leaning in the direction of believing AK's version of the story simply because Pete Boone believes it. Now, I've said Pete Boone is many things, but he's not a complete idiot. That means Boone isn't going to stick his neck out for a coach he's clashed with and would love to send packing unless he's certain Kennedy will be found innocent. He enjoys his 30-hour work week and isn't going to risk his last few years at Ole Miss over an alleged drunken cab fight.

Even if Kennedy is cleared of everything, what the hell is he doing out after midnight on the road the night before the toughest game of the season? I don't have a problem with him going out in Oxford after home games, but going out on the road is asking for trouble. I know he has old friends in Cincinnati, but how about getting them to come to the hotel in Kentucky or going some place near the hotel? Going to "college night" at some bar in Cincinnati is just stupid. Even if they weren't drinking (which I'm certain they were), it's dumb.

I can only hope Kennedy realizes his leash has no more slack in it. He had been warned about his trips to the bar before, and now this happens. Again, even if he's cleared, if something else like this happens, I have no problem with Pete Boone showing him the door and giving him Joe Cullen's number.

(Stepping down off soapbox)

On to the games....

Indianapolis 31, Jacksonville 24
Go to hell Reggie Wayne, go to hell. Thanks for finally showing up when my fantasy team is battling it out for the fifth place title.

Baltimore (9-5) at Dallas (9-5)
Of all the feuds going on in the whole world, the most inexplicably dramatic right now is Terrell Owens taking on ESPN reporter Ed Werder. The second most dramatic right now is Ed Werder's mustache and 21st century men's grooming habits.

Cincinnati (2-11-1) at Cleveland (4-10)
Sweet little baby Jesus with your baby Einstein DVDs, please make it stop. And thank you I don't live in Ohio.

San Francisco (5-9) at St. Louis (2-12)
Mike Singletary pants watch: No pant droppings in like five weeks. And next year's potential Rams coach Jim Haslett has now lost eight straight games.

New Orleans (7-7) at Detroit (0-14)
Sean Peyton, don't screw this up.


Everyone outside of Michigan.

Pittsburgh (11-3) at Tennessee (12-2)
So you're telling me Kerry Collins quarterbacking a team isn't going to work late in the NFL season and playoffs? Surely you jest.

Miami (9-5) at Kansas City (2-12)
My thanks to Tony Gonzales and Dwayne Bowe. Your team stinks, but you've been money all season for my fantasy team.

Arizona (8-6) at New England (9-5)
The Cardinals have already made the playoffs so they're not exactly interested in the rest of the regular season. In fact, if you're looking for them, they're out on the smoker's patio burning down some heaters and waiting for the real games to start.

San Diego (6-8) at Tampa Bay (9-5)
Please, please, please can we have the Chargers win and the Broncos lose so the winner of the AFC West finishes 8-8? I don't ask for much, but I need this.

Houston (7-7) at Oakland (3-11)
I'm sorry Darren McFadden, we're no longer getting that apartment together. After your fantasy performance this year, I've moved on to Peria Jerry.

Buffalo (6-8) at Denver (8-6)
The possibility of a Week 17 San Diego/Denver showdown for the AFC West title is riding on the arms of Philip Rivers and J.P. Lossman/Trent Edwards. No, you're not mistaken, those three are actual NFL quarterbacks.

NY Jets (9-5) at Seattle (3-11)
Brett Favre is already saying he's not sure if he'll be back next season. Let me be the first to give him a preemptive screw you for clogging the sports world in the NFL offseason with the gazillion "will he or won't he play next year" stories.

Atlanta (9-5) at Minnesota (9-5)
Matt Ryan and/or Tarvaris Jackson will be in the NFL playoffs. I am hurt and offended, but mostly hurt.

Philadelphia (8-5-1) at Washington (7-7)
A tip for your 2009 fantasy football season: don't draft any Eagles. They're either hurt, fat, out of shape or plagued by some of the worst coaching in the league.

Carolina (11-3) at NY Giants (11-3)
Domenik Hixon isn't as good as Plaxico Burress? Seriously, Burress is a much better shot than Hixon.

Green Bay (5-9) at Chicago (8-6)
Chris Berman (in his deepest voice possible): "Norris Division....blah, blah, blah. Black and blue, blah blah blah."

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