Wednesday, November 19, 2008

New Feature: Every NFL Game Previewed in Two Sentences or Less

In a never-ending effort to bring you quality material (my opinion of quality, not yours), I decided it was time to add a third post each week, and one that wasn't about college football or the latest buffoonery from someone employed by the University of Mississippi Athletic Department. So, as the title of this post reads, I give you a preview of all the NFL games in two sentences or less. This feature will appear each Wednesday night until the end of the NFL season. Also, I'm working on a title for it, but haven't settled on anything yet, so suggestions are welcome.

One other note, look for the review of the weekend post on Sunday nights and the picks of the week on Thursday nights. That's the schedule I'd like to keep, but I do enjoy being lazy. On to the previews....

Cincinnati (1-8-1) at Pittsburgh (7-3)
The Bengals have beaten someone? But kudos to the Bengals for knowing that games could end in a tie.

Tampa Bay (7-3) at Detroit (0-10)
Right now in Detroit, it's 34 degrees with flurries, the Pistons just landed a shoot-first point guard, the Tigers were one of the biggest busts of the 2008 baseball season and now the Lions are six games away from the perfect season. The good news for Detroit is that the snow should be off the ground in late April, early May.

NY Jets (7-3) at Tennessee (10-0)
When Brett Favre was making that Wrangler jeans commercial, how many interceptions did he throw? Also, I can guarantee you he told the director, "If so much as one drop of mud, one drop, gets on me, the next time you'll see me is in a Lee jeans commercial on the TV you're watching while you're supposed to be asking a customer if he'd like to try some shrimp poppers or extreme fajitas."

Buffalo (5-5) at Kansas City (1-9)
Someone actually has to win this game. No, wait, how could I forget about ties!!!

Chicago (5-5) at St. Louis (2-8)
If you would have told me Jim Haslett would be a head coach in the NFL again, I'd have told you, "Yeah, and Kyle Orton will one day not suck." Looks like you got the last laugh.

New England (6-4) at Miami (6-4)
The loser is probably done as far as the playoffs go, and the winner will cling to playoff hopes until the last week of the season only to have them crushed in the most bitter of fashions. First round of the NFL playoffs gambling alert: Chad Pennington on the road.

Minnesota (5-5) at Jacksonville (4-6)
The Vikings can still make the playoffs thanks to their division of mediocrity (everyone but Detroit is 5-5). Jacksonville....well, other than stink, I don't know what they can do.

Philadelphia (5-4-1) at Baltimore (6-4)
My fantasy football and the Eagles' hopes are riding on a guy who gets totally out of breath after one play and stays that way for the rest of the game. And, until last Sunday afternoon, was unaware teams could tie in the NFL.

Houston (3-7) at Cleveland (4-6)
Do you realize when LeBron James leaves Cleveland in a couple of years, this will be Brady Quinn's town? I hope the National Guard is already on standby.

San Francisco (3-7) at Dallas (6-4)
Congratulations to Mike Singletary for keeping his pants up two weeks in-a-row. Life as a grown man can be hard.

Oakland (2-8) at Denver (6-4)
Is every other team in the NFL 6-4 or hovering around .500? This season sucks.

Washington (6-4) at Seattle (2-8)
On cue, another 6-4 team!

NY Giants (9-1) at Arizona (7-3)
A potential second round playoff match-up preview on Sunday. Only this one won't end with the Giants winning by 40 and Kurt Warner throwing four picks before having some bone in his body snapped in half.

Carolina (8-2) at Atlanta (6-4)
I have no evidence to back this claim up, but I'm certain every game in the history of the NFC South has ended with a score of 13-9.

Indianapolis (6-4) at San Diego (4-6)
Just when you think we're getting another 6-4 team, the Chargers pull a fast one and go 4-6. Enjoy another Norv Turner debacle.

Green Bay (5-5) at New Orleans (5-5)
I once went to a Saints game and sat by a drunker-than-drunk man who was dressed as a nun and waved a Saints flag the entire game. My ass the Packers have the best fans in the NFL.

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