Coach Saban, Please Sign This Picture of Me Standing By Coach Bryant's Grave

On Sunday, the sweaty masses charged into Bryant-Denny Stadium to take part in Alabama's annual Fan Day, which offers those dedicated enough, and with absolutely nothing else to do, a chance to get the autographs of their favorite players and coaches while baking in the heat (personally, I'd run over small child after small child to get to the front of the Jim McElwain line so I could say thanks for throwing so much with Greg McElroy).  Sensing an excellent opportunity for unintentional comedy gold, The Birmingham News was on hand to document the proceedings.


"ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! ROLL TIDE! [Ric Flair noise]! [Ric Flair noise]! Hey, wait a minute. WHICH WAY TO COACH SABAN?"


"Hey! There he is! Over there, signing that man with a crooked back! Hurry, we've got to beat that other group of fans!"




Little known fact about college football, until 1956, the game was played with a wooden ball covered in lacquer.


After an offseason of intense workouts, things now come so easily for Trent Richardson that he can sleep AND sign autographs at the same time.


This young Alabama fan learns one of life's brutal truths: You will spend 60% of your life waiting in line behind a bunch of assholes.


"UGH. This line for Kirby Smart better be worth it."


Inner monologue of first guy: "Should have brought something to eat."
Inner monologue of second guy: "I am strangely delighted by the back of this guy's head."
Inner monologue of third guy: "DO I HAVE TIME FOR ANOTHER DRINK?"


With how long this line is, you would think they were giving away free suits with every autograph. HEY-OOOOOO!!!

To Transer or Not to Transfer?

After acquiring his fifth suspension since arriving at South Carolina, and one that came as a result of poor behavior at a life skills seminar (OH, THE DELICIOUS IRONY), Stephen Garcia thought that it was time he give Houston Nutt a call (one can never have too many transfer quarterbacks).  A spring graduate, Garcia would have been eligible to play immediately this season, assuming South Carolina did not offer a parks and recreation management graduate program (Ole Miss also would have suggested the Southern Studies program).

But before Garcia made the call, his teammates told him they wanted him to stay for his final year.  Encouraged by his teammates, but still conflicted, Garcia sat down to make his final decision.  It went something like this:

/checked South Carolina roster
/saw "Marcus Lattimore, 249 rush, 1,197 yards, 17 TDs"
/saw "Alshon Jeffery, 88 rec, 1,517 yards, 9 TDs"
/called team
/left voicemail

"Hey, bros, this is Stephen.  Think you guys might be at that apartment complex pool party.  The one with the volleyball courts next to the pool.  Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I've decided to stick around for another year.  Seems like the right thing to do.  Thanks again for your support, and looking forward getting back out there.  Later."

Hey, Look, Oklahoma Is Where It Doesn't Belong Again

Earlier today, if you were out on the interwebs looking for anything pertaining to college football, you probably saw the release of the USA Today's coaches poll, which placed Oklahoma at the top.  The Sooners are fresh off yet another campaign in which they lost games to teams they should not have lost to (Missouri and Texas A&M) on their way to yet another BCS game (but, hey, they finally won one!  Suck it, UConn!).  It's nothing new to see Oklahoma ranked so high in the preseason , in fact, since the Sooners won their national championship in the 2000 season, they've been ranked in this poll's top eight for 11 straight preseasons.

Of course, in only one of those seasons have they managed to improve their regular season ranking compared to their preseason ranking (2010).  For your viewing pleasure, here's where Oklahoma has been preseason ranked and where they finished that season since 2001:

(P) = preseason
(F) = final ranking

2010
8 (P), 6 (F)

2009
3 (P), 29 (F)

2008
4 (P), 5 (F)

2007
8 (P), 8 (F)

2006
5 (P), 11 (F)

2005
5 (P), 22 (F)

2004
2 (P), 3 (F)

2003
1 (P), 3 (F)

2002
3 (P), 5 (F)

2001
3 (P), 6 (F)

Average Rank
4.2 (P), 9.8 (F)

This is not to say Oklahoma is a bad team.  They're always a pretty good team with some great individual players, but a team that benefits from reputation, a consistently weak schedule, and lazy voters (not to leave the writers out, so their average AP rankings:  4.3 (P), 9.5 (F); also, they're not alone in reputation rankings this year, or any other year, as Texas and Georgia are ranked, despite a combined 11-14 2010 record, plus no bowl and a 10-6 loss to Central Florida in a bowl).

But, since they're perennially overrated, we need to acknowledge the eight things, based on the 9.8 average final ranking, that are always better than Oklahoma, yet never given the respect they deserve.  In no particular order, only because I'm not sure how official these rankings are:


Les Miles
Not LSU, though I'm willing to bet they've been more successful and less bed-shitting prone than Oklahoma, but Les Miles the man. From the hat to the grass-eating to the world void of order and laws in which he lives, this man exhales top eight greatness. Even if he is the luckiest bastard who has ever coached major college football.


Mario Kart for Nintendo 64
Ever not have the best time of your life playing the four-player racing mode on this game? I DIDN'T THINK SO. Outside of playing Goldeneye (another fantastic mult-player game) for N 64, I don't think I've dedicated more hours to anything else other than the hours I put into this game (maybe sleeping, but even that's debatable). Oh, how I miss the surges of rage, profanity spewed, and the taunting finger of victory created by this game.


Guns N' Roses
My life will always be a tad bit empty because I never saw this live:





Snickers Ice Cream Bars
Easily falls into the category of foods I could eat until I vomited, then keep eating. A friend of mine in college had a bookie named Snickers (gambling-related people do have the best names), and whenever I'd hear him say "Snickers" on the phone, this is what I thought of.


"Kickoff" from Ole Miss Rebels on Vimeo.

Top Ten Happiest Moment in My Life
Not the commercial, but Deuce's return for a touchdown.  I was in the student section on the side of the field where he was running, and can still clearly see him running to us near the end zone.  The game kicked off at 7:00 and was over at 7:01.  Luckily, David Cutcliffe took advantage of that 38-16 ass-beating of Arkansas and lost the next two games to Georgia and Mississippi State to finish 7-4 with one of the most talented teams in school history.

/will never not hate David Cutcliffe






Three Photos of McConaughey Being McConaughey at Texas Events
You've seen Sahara, right? No explanation needed.


Laser-Guided Bombs
Nothing gets you quite jacked up like watching one of these things plow into a building or tank.  TASTE THAT RAW AMERICAN POWER, TERRORIST ASSHOLE!  Well, assuming we targeted the right thing and there was little to no collateral damage to those who also hated the terrorist asshole, not because he was a terrorist, but because he was a terrible neighbor.  Ugh, terrible neighbors are the worst.


Oklahoma Led by Coach Taylor
If Coach is in charge of the Oklahoma Sooners, they for damn sure aren't 2-5 in BCS games since 2001.

Our Strength Coach Knows So Much More Than Your Strength Coach

Every August, as the excitement for the start of football season really starts to build, beat writers of all mediums push their internal mid-sized Japanese sedan engines up to 6,000 RPMs to meet the demand of the football-inhaling public.  The readers of newspapers and websites need to be fed, and if that means learning exactly what time each offensive starter showed up when reporting to fall camp, then dammit, they shall have that completely worthless information ("A REAL LEADER WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FIRST, SENIOR CAPTAIN DEFENSIVE LINEMAN!" -message board hero).

One of my favorite articles that gets written about this time of year is the "Team X's strength coach is putting the players through a meat grinder" story.  Tales of training methods involving more sprints, flipping tractor tires, and obstacle courses complete with mud, barbed wire, and live artillery fire.  I don't like these articles for their content, but I do like them for the enthusiasm and willingness by Team X's fans to declare their strength coach to be the greatest in all the land and how much faster and stronger their team will be this season.

I don't blame the writers for pumping out these stories because the beast needs to eat, and not healthily with in-depth pieces, but more like at a trough at Golden Corral with pieces on how the receivers looked during stretches.  So to help save time for these writers, I've created a convenient, easy to use, and, most importantly, green-friendly Mad Libs for writing articles about things like pre-practice stretching and strength coach training methods.

/burns drum of diesel fuel to offset positive carbon footprint

Headline
(choose one)

More Pain, More Gain for (Team name)
Sprint, Lift, Repeat
A Summer With Coach (Strength Coach's last name)
(Team name) Plans on Beating the Heat and Not Themselves
A Whole New Attitude

Body copy
(College town byline)
As the (adjective) late-afternoon sun (verb) down on the (Team name), the only noise to be heard, other than the gasps and groans of the (insert number of players) (Team name) who were a part of (Day of the week)'s summer workout session, was the (adjective) bark of (Strength Coach)'s voice.

"Winners in the fall are made right here, men!  Nothing comes easy!  Nothing that's worth anything anyway," Coach (Strength Coach's last name) shouted to his players. 

Fall practice is just a week a away, but the (Team name) haven't been taking it easy this summer.  For almost two months now, they've been taking part in (Strength Coach's last name)'s (insert year) version of voluntary workout boot camp.  Five days a week, you can find members of the (Team name) (absurd physical activity ending in -ing), (absurd physical activity ending in -ing), and (absurd physical activity ending in -ing) at 6 AM or 6 PM.

"We like to give them options," (Strength Coach's last name) said.  "But most seem to prefer the late afternoon.  Now, they don't have to be here, but they sure as (expletive) know they're (cliche' for not keeping up) if they aren't here.  Plus, who wouldn't want to spend time with me?"

Veterans know the importance of summer workouts, but even they say this summer's workouts have been the (adjective) since they've been on campus.

"Man, I thought last summer was (word that reminds you of pain), but it wasn't nothing compared to this," (Redshirt junior linebacker) said.  "Coach (Strength coach's last name) has got us doing some crazy things like (additional absurd physical activity ending in -ing) and (yet another absurd physical activity ending in -ing).  But if it means we win more this season, it's (cliche' for "worth it").

Even senior captain (Starting running back) finds himself (go ahead, just put struggling here) through the workouts.

"Coach (Strength Coach's last name) said at the beginning of the summer he was gonna make everything (number) times as hard, and he wasn't lying," (Starting running back) said.  "The guys are (ugh, working hard, fine) and (cliche'), but we're ready to put the pads on so we can show off our new muscles and speed."

"I know they're (word for 10,000% ready) to get away from me, but I know they're all gonna be happy with what they (verb signaling accomplishment) this summer," said (Strength Coach's last name).  "Giving some of them the eye test, I can tell they're (something about much more physical imposing and better athletes) than when we started."

Just how big these physical and mental changes are won't be (past tense verb) until next week when practice starts.  (Team name)'s (Head Coach) can't wait to find out.

"I know how (Strength Coach) works, how much pride he takes in getting the guys ready for the season," (Head Coach) said.  "I wouldn't want to go through what he's put them through this summer, but I've heard (phrase for outstanding reports) about the progress, attendance, and attitudes.  I'm expecting everyone to be bigger, faster, and stronger, and that's what it takes to win in the (Conference).  No days off in this league."

The Reinstatement of Stephen Garcia, or, THE BEST DAY EVER

Oh, what a sweet and blessed day today is.

By request, from the reinstated himself:



Coach Spurrier, your thoughts?