Thanks to yet another horrible pick in Middle Tennessee State, which included Dwight Dasher's ability to readily give the ball to the other team (4 INTs!), I find myself at 10-13-1 against the spread and $60 in the hole (I missed a few games because I forgot I was embarking on this quest; or maybe I hadn't decided to do it; who knows; how about another semicolon; okay; one more; done). If you're new or have slept through most of this class, click here to read what I'm attempting to do (the first two paragraphs will tell you all you need to know).
So, here we go. The final three exhibition games and the National Championship game. 12-15-1 HERE I COME!
Cotton Bowl
LSU (-2) vs. Texas A&M
Rationale: Since I don't know what the hell I'm doing and the majority of my picks are losers, guess what, LSU, I'm gonna try to drag you down into MY PIT OF DESPAIR. Conveniently for LSU, their one competent offensive player, Stevan Ridley, was ineligible, but is now eligible. I would vigorously protest, but this is LSU and par for the course. Earlier in December I had LSU penciled in for seven defensive touchdowns without Ridley, now, let's knock that down to five and two for Ridley, while the offense piles up 73 yards of total offense.
Pick: LSU (-2)
BBVA Compass Bowl
Pittsburgh (-3.5) vs. Kentucky
Rationale: No Wannstache? I don't care if Mike Hartline drank away his chance to light it up at Legion Field at 11 o'clock on a Saturday morning in early January in front of 17,000 people (excellent choice by the way, Mike. Do you know what the high is on Saturday in Birmingham? 48, with a wind chill of 38. NO THANKS.). If Wannstache isn't there, Pitt players surely cannot be motivated by a man without a mustache. So, Phil Bennett, you'll put that razor away if you what's good for you.
Pick: Kentucky (+3.5)
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Nevada (-8) vs. Boston College
Rationale:
ESPN Announcer: "I gotta tell you, guys, we've got a couple of hungry teams here today who want to win, but, thanks to the effort of this great bowl and its people, many more people out there aren't going hungry because of today."
Other Announcer: "You're exactly right. Just a tremendous day and a day that's going to help a lot of people."
/VOMIT
Pick: Nevada (-8)
National Championship Game
Auburn (-3) vs. Oregon
Rationale: SEC be damned here. LET'S GO DUCKS!
Pick: Auburn (-3)
Friday, January 07, 2011
Thursday, January 06, 2011
Defensive Coordinator Power Rankings
As mentioned yesterday, Michigan, after inexplicably waiting longer than eight minutes after the end of the Gator Bowl, took the Rich Rodriguez era behind the giant pile of wood that helps keep them alive in the winter and terminated the relationship. One would assume the putting down also signaled the end of Greg Robinson-led defenses in Ann Arbor, unless the Wolverines have a fondness for watching their defenders chase opposing players into the end zone. A hunch tells me they don't, which means there's been a shake-up on the back end of the Defensive Coordinator Power Rankings. While little has changed in the front, or those who know what the hell they're doing, several of Robinson's caliber have inched closer to the king of the land of points and yards allowed, Ruffin McNeill*.
*Technically, he does not have the title of defensive coordinator, but for our purposes, he's the defensive coordinator.
2011 POWER RANKINGS
Plane Full Of Daisy Cutters Headed Straight For You
1. Nick Saban/Kirby Smart, Alabama
2. Gary Patterson/Dick Bumpass, TCU
3. Jim Heacock/Luke Fickell, Ohio State
Oh, Snap, That Looks Like, Oh, Hell, IT IS...AN ATTACK HELICOPTER
1. John Chavis, LSU
2. Jeff Casteel, West Virginia
3. Will Muschamp, Florida
4. Pete Kwiatkowski, Boise State
5. The Brothers Pelini, Nebraska
I Am Moderately Concerned That Dump Truck Has Not Tapped Its Brakes
1. Dave Doeren, Wisconsin
2. Kevin Steele/Charlie Harbison, Clemson
3. Teryl Austin, Unemployed
4. Charlie Strong/Vance Bedford, Louisville
5. Dave Huxtable, UCF
Hey, I Remember When You Used To Be Good
1. Ellis Johnson, South Carolina
2. Bud Foster, Virginia Tech
3. Bob Stoops/Brent Venables, Oklahoma
4. Tim DeRuyter, Texas A&M
5. Mark Stoops, Florida State
Thank You, Offense, For Doing The Killing For Me
1. Ted Roof, Auburn
2. Willie Robinson, Arkansas
3. Dave Aranda, Hawaii
4. Bill Young, Oklahoma State
Tries To Burn Opponent's House Down, Instead, Burns Down Your House And The Surrounding Seven Blocks
1. Jay Hopson, Memphis
2. Mike Locksley/George Barlow, New Mexico
3. DeWayne Walker, New Mexico State
4. Marion Hobby, Duke
5. Tyrone Nix, Ole Miss
King of Points Allowed, Yards Allowed and Profuse, Niagara Falls-like Sweating
1. Ruffin McNeill
*Technically, he does not have the title of defensive coordinator, but for our purposes, he's the defensive coordinator.
2011 POWER RANKINGS
Plane Full Of Daisy Cutters Headed Straight For You
1. Nick Saban/Kirby Smart, Alabama
2. Gary Patterson/Dick Bumpass, TCU
3. Jim Heacock/Luke Fickell, Ohio State
Oh, Snap, That Looks Like, Oh, Hell, IT IS...AN ATTACK HELICOPTER
1. John Chavis, LSU
2. Jeff Casteel, West Virginia
3. Will Muschamp, Florida
4. Pete Kwiatkowski, Boise State
5. The Brothers Pelini, Nebraska
I Am Moderately Concerned That Dump Truck Has Not Tapped Its Brakes
1. Dave Doeren, Wisconsin
2. Kevin Steele/Charlie Harbison, Clemson
3. Teryl Austin, Unemployed
4. Charlie Strong/Vance Bedford, Louisville
5. Dave Huxtable, UCF
Hey, I Remember When You Used To Be Good
1. Ellis Johnson, South Carolina
2. Bud Foster, Virginia Tech
3. Bob Stoops/Brent Venables, Oklahoma
4. Tim DeRuyter, Texas A&M
5. Mark Stoops, Florida State
Thank You, Offense, For Doing The Killing For Me
1. Ted Roof, Auburn
2. Willie Robinson, Arkansas
3. Dave Aranda, Hawaii
4. Bill Young, Oklahoma State
Tries To Burn Opponent's House Down, Instead, Burns Down Your House And The Surrounding Seven Blocks
1. Jay Hopson, Memphis
2. Mike Locksley/George Barlow, New Mexico
3. DeWayne Walker, New Mexico State
4. Marion Hobby, Duke
5. Tyrone Nix, Ole Miss
King of Points Allowed, Yards Allowed and Profuse, Niagara Falls-like Sweating
1. Ruffin McNeill
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
What We Learned: Sugar Bowl Edition
First, and most importantly, rarely am I ever exactly right about anything, so when I am, you people are gonna hear about it. BEHOLD! Submitted to to Twitter early in the fourth quarter:
Then, late in the fourth quarter:
Notice the tight end and running back take off, leaving Mallett unprotected behind his offensive line, which couldn't block Ohio State one-on-one all night. This happened over and over again, even when the Buckeyes rushed three. It was only a matter of time before something bad happened. Unfortunately for Arkansas, it was in the last minute of what would have been the sloppiest comeback win ever.
Now, let me take this opportunity to remind you to BOW TO MY VISIONS OF THE FUTURE!
/letting the moment soak in
/still soaking
/a little more
/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done
Additionally, from watching Arkansas' refusal to leave additional protection in during passing plays, we found out that Bobby Petrino is one stubborn bastard. His pass blocking was a problem all night long, but he never adjusted. Instead, he let Mallett try to duck and dodge his way to passes on the move, which we in the SEC know is exactly what you want him to do if he's playing your team. No doubt Petrino is a very good offensive coach, but for him to not understand or acknowledge how the pressure was killing Mallett is inexcusable.
And then there's the not-so-great Willie Robinson. There's a saying in life that goes something along the lines of "never trust a man with a mustache, unless, like Tom Selleck, he's been rocking it since the '80s." While not a relatively new saying, in fact, I believe it was created just last month, it still holds true. Robinson, after getting in from Bourbon Street at halftime (64 oz beers are just $5, you know!), he managed to get something out of his defense, essentially shutting down Ohio State for most of the second half.
But, letting Terrelle Pryor escape for some critical first downs as a result of his defensive line losing containment and dumb blitzes, nearly killed any chance of a come back late in the fourth. If not for an outstanding blocked punt, his defense would have gotten the Hogs' offense the ball deep in its own territory with about 1:15 to go. And this was after Arkansas pinned Ohio State in at its own four.
As for Ohio State, it turns out they CAN beat an SEC team. It took five or six dropped passes (two of which were touchdowns), a stupid Bobby Petrino, Willie Robinson, five ineligible players deemed eligible, an Arkansas special teams player who inexplicably did not scoop and score and one really good defensive lineman, but they got it done. There wasn't anything outstanding about this Buckeye team, save for a few of Pryor's runs and a defense that kept getting in Mallett's face, and, had they played a team with a better defense and a remote desire to keep people out of their quarterback's business, they're probably looking at 0-10 against the SEC.
But, what was most impressive about them, was even after Jim Tressell entered sphincter-lock mode in his play calling and the special teams shit the bed in the last minute, they didn't fold like the wet sack Ohio State teams of years past. And that, fair people, deserves a good, old-fashioned rumble in the streets, Columbus, Ohio-style:
Then, late in the fourth quarter:
Notice the tight end and running back take off, leaving Mallett unprotected behind his offensive line, which couldn't block Ohio State one-on-one all night. This happened over and over again, even when the Buckeyes rushed three. It was only a matter of time before something bad happened. Unfortunately for Arkansas, it was in the last minute of what would have been the sloppiest comeback win ever.
Now, let me take this opportunity to remind you to BOW TO MY VISIONS OF THE FUTURE!
/letting the moment soak in
/still soaking
/a little more
/aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand done
Additionally, from watching Arkansas' refusal to leave additional protection in during passing plays, we found out that Bobby Petrino is one stubborn bastard. His pass blocking was a problem all night long, but he never adjusted. Instead, he let Mallett try to duck and dodge his way to passes on the move, which we in the SEC know is exactly what you want him to do if he's playing your team. No doubt Petrino is a very good offensive coach, but for him to not understand or acknowledge how the pressure was killing Mallett is inexcusable.
And then there's the not-so-great Willie Robinson. There's a saying in life that goes something along the lines of "never trust a man with a mustache, unless, like Tom Selleck, he's been rocking it since the '80s." While not a relatively new saying, in fact, I believe it was created just last month, it still holds true. Robinson, after getting in from Bourbon Street at halftime (64 oz beers are just $5, you know!), he managed to get something out of his defense, essentially shutting down Ohio State for most of the second half.
But, letting Terrelle Pryor escape for some critical first downs as a result of his defensive line losing containment and dumb blitzes, nearly killed any chance of a come back late in the fourth. If not for an outstanding blocked punt, his defense would have gotten the Hogs' offense the ball deep in its own territory with about 1:15 to go. And this was after Arkansas pinned Ohio State in at its own four.
As for Ohio State, it turns out they CAN beat an SEC team. It took five or six dropped passes (two of which were touchdowns), a stupid Bobby Petrino, Willie Robinson, five ineligible players deemed eligible, an Arkansas special teams player who inexplicably did not scoop and score and one really good defensive lineman, but they got it done. There wasn't anything outstanding about this Buckeye team, save for a few of Pryor's runs and a defense that kept getting in Mallett's face, and, had they played a team with a better defense and a remote desire to keep people out of their quarterback's business, they're probably looking at 0-10 against the SEC.
But, what was most impressive about them, was even after Jim Tressell entered sphincter-lock mode in his play calling and the special teams shit the bed in the last minute, they didn't fold like the wet sack Ohio State teams of years past. And that, fair people, deserves a good, old-fashioned rumble in the streets, Columbus, Ohio-style:
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Jon Gruden and Dave Rowe Together at Last
For those of you paying attention around here for the past week or so, you know that I've embarked on a quest to find out just how much money I would lose if I spent real dollars wagering on bowl games. After Stanford's mincing of Virginia Tech Monday night, I currently stand at -$20 and one game below .500 against the spread. In order to make a push into lots more dollar bills before the bowls wrap up, I've had to bring in two of the worst to help break down the Ohio State/Arkansas game.
Fresh off the Orange Bowl telecast and fresh off the early shift at his local McDonald's where he picks up and cleans trays, it's Jon Gruden and Dave Rowe.
"Whew, a little tired this morning. Those stories about Tirico changing his ways. I don't know about that. THAT GUY still has it."
"HEY HEY. Uh, yeah, hello. Am I on? Can you hear me? Hello? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh. Hello? Anyone? Yes? No? RANCH TURKEY DRESSING."
"Dave, you're coming in loud and clear. Loud and clear. Whaddya say we talk some FOOTBALL here? I'm ready. And I know THIS GUY, Dave Rowe, is ready to talk some football. THIS GUY."
"Haha, gotcha Jon. Right there with you. Can't be more excited about this game. You've got two teams. They're playing a game. And, and, one of them is going to win. But they both want to win the game! Haha!"
"You're exactly right, Dave. Two great football teams. Two great coaches. Two great quarterbacks. Two great groups of fans. I can't wait for this one."
"Haha, you know it, partner. Both teams really want to win this one. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. Great players. Great quarterbacks. Lots of talent in this one!"
"Glad you brought them up, Dave. You wanna talk about talented. You wanna talk about big arms. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. THOSE GUYS can play some football."
"And let's not forget about the coaches. Bobby Petrino, great offensive mind. Louisville. Arkansas. His teams can score lots of points in a hurry. If you're Ohio State, you don't want them to score all those points. Because if you do, you may not win the game. And you're here to win the game."
"Outstanding coaches. But I wanna talk about Jim Tressel. THIS GUY is a football coach. He can coach some football. 11 wins. Another Big Ten title. THIS GUY is a winner. I'm really excited to see what he's gonna do against Arkansas."
"Jon, you're all over that one. Jim Tressel knows how to win football games. He wants to win them and then goes out and does it. I know he'll be ready to win this one, the Sugar Bowl."
"Is it game time yet? Because THIS GUY is ready to go. I can't wait. Great teams, coaches, fans and atmosphere. Should be a great night for us, Dave."
"Partner, I'm ready for it now. Another great night for football."
Wait, what? They're done? That was it? So, you're saying I could have asked any of these...
...and gotten as much information?
"I like THIS GUY, this San Diego Chicken. He's a funny guy. Remember him in the '80s. Great family entertainment."
"Haha, right again, partner! I remember him well. The kids loved him."
Damn both of you.
Arkansas (+3)
Fresh off the Orange Bowl telecast and fresh off the early shift at his local McDonald's where he picks up and cleans trays, it's Jon Gruden and Dave Rowe.
"Whew, a little tired this morning. Those stories about Tirico changing his ways. I don't know about that. THAT GUY still has it."
"HEY HEY. Uh, yeah, hello. Am I on? Can you hear me? Hello? Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh. Hello? Anyone? Yes? No? RANCH TURKEY DRESSING."
"Dave, you're coming in loud and clear. Loud and clear. Whaddya say we talk some FOOTBALL here? I'm ready. And I know THIS GUY, Dave Rowe, is ready to talk some football. THIS GUY."
"Haha, gotcha Jon. Right there with you. Can't be more excited about this game. You've got two teams. They're playing a game. And, and, one of them is going to win. But they both want to win the game! Haha!"
"You're exactly right, Dave. Two great football teams. Two great coaches. Two great quarterbacks. Two great groups of fans. I can't wait for this one."
"Haha, you know it, partner. Both teams really want to win this one. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. Great players. Great quarterbacks. Lots of talent in this one!"
"Glad you brought them up, Dave. You wanna talk about talented. You wanna talk about big arms. Ryan Mallett. Terrelle Pryor. THOSE GUYS can play some football."
"And let's not forget about the coaches. Bobby Petrino, great offensive mind. Louisville. Arkansas. His teams can score lots of points in a hurry. If you're Ohio State, you don't want them to score all those points. Because if you do, you may not win the game. And you're here to win the game."
"Outstanding coaches. But I wanna talk about Jim Tressel. THIS GUY is a football coach. He can coach some football. 11 wins. Another Big Ten title. THIS GUY is a winner. I'm really excited to see what he's gonna do against Arkansas."
"Jon, you're all over that one. Jim Tressel knows how to win football games. He wants to win them and then goes out and does it. I know he'll be ready to win this one, the Sugar Bowl."
"Is it game time yet? Because THIS GUY is ready to go. I can't wait. Great teams, coaches, fans and atmosphere. Should be a great night for us, Dave."
"Partner, I'm ready for it now. Another great night for football."
Wait, what? They're done? That was it? So, you're saying I could have asked any of these...
...and gotten as much information?
"I like THIS GUY, this San Diego Chicken. He's a funny guy. Remember him in the '80s. Great family entertainment."
"Haha, right again, partner! I remember him well. The kids loved him."
Damn both of you.
Arkansas (+3)
Monday, January 03, 2011
Resolutions for 2011
In order to show the people that The Belly of the Beast is just like them, I'm not above composing a list of resolutions for 2011. And, just like the people, there is a zero percent chance I will not crash this list directly into a cement piling before January 8th. But it's always fun to pretend like you're dedicated to getting your business in order, right? As long as people think you're trying, they won't give you a bag of shit. And on that high note, let's roll this thing out.
-Limit myself to one rambling, incoherent, rage-filled rant against Tyrone Nix in a 24-hour period (-2,000% chance of lasting until Wednesday)
-Wait until February before becoming held hostage by these 18-year old assholes known as college football recruits. There is nothing worse than making an 18-year old feel like he's very important or, gulp, in charge of anything. I remember being 18 and can only imagine what a raging jackass I would have been had I been blessed with legitimate athletic ability.
-I pledge my disdain and general spite for baseball will be taken to greater heights. However, I will still play fantasy baseball because I'm a loser and I LOVE FANTASY SPORTS.
-If odds are available, make a wager on whether Mark Richt or Houston Nutt will be fired first. Ahem, (insert hacking cough) houstonnutt.
-Watch Extraordinary Measures
As well as no fewer than five Nic Cage movies. The SEASON OF THE WITCH IS UPON US.
-Demand that Ron Franklin announce EVERYTHING
-Accuse more quarterbacks of loving the purple drank when they channel their inner Jamarcus Russell with a 9 of 23, 107 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT performance
-Hold a candlelight vigil for Stephen Garcia (and America) when Steve Spurrier announces Connor Shaw has won the starting quarterback job at South Carolina
-Fall asleep every night thinking about Mike Leach running the show in Oxford in mid-December
-Practice my chortle for Charlie Weis' "schematic advantage" being unleashed on college football again
-Say the phrase "THIS GUY" more than Jon Gruden (can probably only be accomplished by referring to myself, that guy, those guys, these, those, them and everyone as THIS GUY all the time)
-Change my Facebook status to read "So excited to spend early January at Legion Field!!!!"
-Write 25,000 word essay on new Pitt coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen's choice to model his hair after ESPN's Chris Berman:
However, just so we're clear, if Holgorsen was involved with Ole Miss in almost any capacity, I'd shave my hair to emulate whatever the hell he's got going on. But, Dana, lose the battle of hair loss with some dignity, please.
-Resolve that every time I call Dan Mullen a schmuck, which he is, remember to include a statement that he certainly knows how to whip Ole Miss' ass
-Seek explanation as to why Auburn, a school with money and enough power to gain the services of just about any coach it wanted, would hire a coach with a career record of 5-19 ("Yes sir, Mr. Lowder, I think that is a great idea!")
-Embrace the existence of Les Miles. Though it makes no sense, and often results in bitter rage spewing forth from my body, it remains fascinating and I can't imagine life without it.
/can't wait for the bill for all of the good fortune to come due
/PAIN AND SUFFERING SURELY TO ENSUE FOR SIX YEARS OF RAMPANT BULLSHIT
/remembers it's LSU and it will never end
-Do less fist shaking at the sky
-Cry tears of joy when Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone is eventually fired over a tweet on Twitter
-Stockpile canned goods for the head coach search that will take place in Oxford in December
-Limit myself to one rambling, incoherent, rage-filled rant against Tyrone Nix in a 24-hour period (-2,000% chance of lasting until Wednesday)
-Wait until February before becoming held hostage by these 18-year old assholes known as college football recruits. There is nothing worse than making an 18-year old feel like he's very important or, gulp, in charge of anything. I remember being 18 and can only imagine what a raging jackass I would have been had I been blessed with legitimate athletic ability.
-I pledge my disdain and general spite for baseball will be taken to greater heights. However, I will still play fantasy baseball because I'm a loser and I LOVE FANTASY SPORTS.
-If odds are available, make a wager on whether Mark Richt or Houston Nutt will be fired first. Ahem, (insert hacking cough) houstonnutt.
-Watch Extraordinary Measures
As well as no fewer than five Nic Cage movies. The SEASON OF THE WITCH IS UPON US.
-Demand that Ron Franklin announce EVERYTHING
-Accuse more quarterbacks of loving the purple drank when they channel their inner Jamarcus Russell with a 9 of 23, 107 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT performance
-Hold a candlelight vigil for Stephen Garcia (and America) when Steve Spurrier announces Connor Shaw has won the starting quarterback job at South Carolina
-Fall asleep every night thinking about Mike Leach running the show in Oxford in mid-December
-Practice my chortle for Charlie Weis' "schematic advantage" being unleashed on college football again
-Say the phrase "THIS GUY" more than Jon Gruden (can probably only be accomplished by referring to myself, that guy, those guys, these, those, them and everyone as THIS GUY all the time)
-Change my Facebook status to read "So excited to spend early January at Legion Field!!!!"
-Write 25,000 word essay on new Pitt coach-in-waiting Dana Holgorsen's choice to model his hair after ESPN's Chris Berman:
However, just so we're clear, if Holgorsen was involved with Ole Miss in almost any capacity, I'd shave my hair to emulate whatever the hell he's got going on. But, Dana, lose the battle of hair loss with some dignity, please.
-Resolve that every time I call Dan Mullen a schmuck, which he is, remember to include a statement that he certainly knows how to whip Ole Miss' ass
-Seek explanation as to why Auburn, a school with money and enough power to gain the services of just about any coach it wanted, would hire a coach with a career record of 5-19 ("Yes sir, Mr. Lowder, I think that is a great idea!")
-Embrace the existence of Les Miles. Though it makes no sense, and often results in bitter rage spewing forth from my body, it remains fascinating and I can't imagine life without it.
/can't wait for the bill for all of the good fortune to come due
/PAIN AND SUFFERING SURELY TO ENSUE FOR SIX YEARS OF RAMPANT BULLSHIT
/remembers it's LSU and it will never end
-Do less fist shaking at the sky
-Cry tears of joy when Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone is eventually fired over a tweet on Twitter
-Stockpile canned goods for the head coach search that will take place in Oxford in December
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