As of this writing, the Pac-10 and Big Ten are still holding the college football world hostage with their respective plans for conference expansion (what a bunch of attention whores). Speculation as to what will happen ranges from a conference made up of only Michigan and Ohio State in which they play 12 times a year and is televised on ABC, ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN3 and on ESPN Deportes on a 24-hour loop, to something as boring as Notre Dame finally joining the Big Ten (BUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE RIVALRIES WITH ARMY (37-8-4 all-time) AND NAVY (71-11-1)!?!). Personally, I think we'll only see the addition of Notre Dame to the Big Ten. Texas and the other Big 12 schools will use their invites as leverage to get the Big 12's ass in gear and get a TV deal done that gets them truckloads of cold, hard cash. They don't give two shits about playing a bunch of hippies, they just want money and if the Big 12 can promise it, they'll stay put. (By the way, if you haven't read Dan Wetzel's piece on the assholes, one of the sneaky variety and the other of the dumb variety, that run the Big Ten and the Big 12, do it now.)
Anyway, the expansion talk got me thinking about the possibility of this disease spreading to professional sports conferences and divisions. Yes, I know this could never happen thanks to rules and other stuff I don't want to look up, but whatever, I can only offer an Andy Bernard-like opinion on expansion, "This is good." Or, "This is bad," and as much as I love to yammer on about things I am not qualified to yammer on about, I shall pass that opportunity. Plus, the commissioners' offices would immediately react and put down such silly talk, unlike the NCAA, who, as of this morning, has literally said nothing about expansion. Nothing like, "Hey, not so sure about this. Maybe we should sit down and talk." Or, "Wow, we really are irrelevant in the grand scheme of things." Nice job, guys.
So, in order to pass the time until college football stays the same or becomes the NFL2, let's take a look at some major professional sports expansion scenarios.
MLB
-The New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox leave the American League East to form what they call "The Only Division in Baseball That Will Ever Matter Because Our Fans Care So Much More About Our Teams Than Yours Do About Yours. In Fact, We're Pretty Sure Baseball And Sports Only Exist In New York And Boston." A little long, yes, but very descriptive. After leaving, the teams sign an agreement to play each other 162 times a season and every game will be televised on all ESPN platforms with a guaranteed lead-in on SportsCenter every night of the year.
-The Houston Astros and Kansas City Royals leave MLB all together and join the Texas League where competition promises to be more on their levels.
-The Chicago Cubs and St. Louis Cardinals form their own league and play each game in the middle...ah, nobody cares.
-The Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres are asked to join the NHL by commissioner Gary Bettman in an effort to expand TV markets. San Diego will decline, but Seattle agrees before quitting 11 games into the season due to a complete lack of understanding of the rules.
-All other teams agree to fold when it is universally agreed upon that football should be played nearly year-round and everyone would rather put their resources into it and not baseball.
NFL
-The Patriots form their own division, playing no one, but still garnering a respect for what a well-run organization they are.
-The Giants, Eagles, Redskins, Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Jets, Steelers and Bears borrow a soccer term and form what it known as the "Group of Death." In these contests, the teams don't actually play, but rather, its fans fight one another in Roman gladiator-fashion in the parking lots of the stadiums. The team's fans with the most kills wins. Also, all participants are required to be raging drunk.
-The Raiders fall into the Pacific Ocean.
-The Chargers, Chiefs, Colts, Saints, Cardinals and Seahawks create the "Nancy-Boy Passing League" in which everyone is forbidden to run the ball. Ron Jaworski cries both tears of joy and sadness upon hearing the news.
-Cleveland fans, fresh off the loss of LeBron James and denial for entry into the Group of Death, attack and burn their stadium to the ground, effectively ending professional sports in the Mistake by the Lake.
NBA
-David Stern squashes any actions that might disrupt his league like the Russians crushed the Hungarian Revolution in 1956. He even uses the same tanks.
NHL
-We all know that the NHL is not a major professional sport.
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Monday, June 07, 2010
What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend
Conference expansion dismissed as silly and ill-conceived.
First, it was the Big Ten that made national news (and news not related to one of its teams being destroyed in a BCS game) by announcing it planned to explore the studio space of conference expansion. Names like Texas, Notre Dame, Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers and Syracuse were all mentioned as potential invitees, but so far only Texas has been confirmed to be a serious candidate (Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure Notre Dame gets a written offer every May to join the conference.).
Now, the Pac-10 has decided this game sounds like fun. A story broke on Friday that the conference was prepared to offer invitations to Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. And on Sunday, the presidents/chancellors of the Pac-10 gave commissioner Larry Scott the authority to extend said invitations, although no one is certain which schools will be receiving a hand-crafted invitation with a personal note from Scott (I'm hoping they send physical invitations though the mail, complete with RSVP cards). If the invitations do go out and are accepted, the Big 12 is dead, soon to be followed by the Big East. The leftover Big 12 teams will melt away into the Mountain West or, in the case of a team like Nebraska or Missouri, be picked up by the Big Ten. Then the Big Ten will take its pick of Big East teams, leaving the leftovers to, well, I don't know. Join Conference USA and create the most bad-to-mediocre conference in the history of college football?
One figures the SEC will respond in some way, which could mean the death of the ACC, leaving college football with three real conferences and everyone else hoping to survive. But, like most things, expansion probably won't go as expected. What will go as expected, from now until the end of time, is that when it comes to sports, anyone and everyone will do anything to make more money. Fans and the players who drive this billion-dollar machine be damned. And I, for one, welcome the sweet taste of millions of dollars pumping straight into my school's bank account. Granted, I will never see any of this money, and more than likely those in charge of that money will use it in the most inefficient way possible, but the chance that one day someone (or hopefully multiple someones) who knows what they're doing deals with that money and uses it properly has me on board with the idea of expansion.
USC slammed with the swift and painful hammer of NCAA justice.
Like all things associated with the NCAA infractions committee, it takes way too damn long to find out anything. The Trojans are still awaiting the vicious finger-wagging that is sure to come after they cheated their way to a national title and Heisman trophies. Although, now that media-beloved Pete Carroll is no longer overseeing the football program, penalties will probably not be any lighter, strictly because of a universal hatred for Lane Kiffin.
The NHL operated like a successful organ-eye-zation.
The league currently keeping Major League Baseball out of last place for most incompetently run padded that lead on Sunday night. Instead of scheduling the Stanley Cup Finals for Saturday night or even Monday night, Gary Bettman chose to have his finals go head-to-head with the NBA Finals. One aired on ABC, the other on Versus. Well done, sir. Do you know what I sporting events I watched on Saturday night? An inning of the Cubs/Astros game and the last 20 minutes of an MLS game involving teams from Dallas and San Jose (I think). If I'm watching both of those, I could almost guarantee I would have watched the Stanley Cup game, assuming I could have figured out whatever channel Versus is. Do I need an extra satellite dish to pick up that channel? Not that I care, BUT HOW IN THE HELL DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB?
First, it was the Big Ten that made national news (and news not related to one of its teams being destroyed in a BCS game) by announcing it planned to explore the studio space of conference expansion. Names like Texas, Notre Dame, Nebraska, Missouri, Rutgers and Syracuse were all mentioned as potential invitees, but so far only Texas has been confirmed to be a serious candidate (Although, to be fair, I'm pretty sure Notre Dame gets a written offer every May to join the conference.).
Now, the Pac-10 has decided this game sounds like fun. A story broke on Friday that the conference was prepared to offer invitations to Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado. And on Sunday, the presidents/chancellors of the Pac-10 gave commissioner Larry Scott the authority to extend said invitations, although no one is certain which schools will be receiving a hand-crafted invitation with a personal note from Scott (I'm hoping they send physical invitations though the mail, complete with RSVP cards). If the invitations do go out and are accepted, the Big 12 is dead, soon to be followed by the Big East. The leftover Big 12 teams will melt away into the Mountain West or, in the case of a team like Nebraska or Missouri, be picked up by the Big Ten. Then the Big Ten will take its pick of Big East teams, leaving the leftovers to, well, I don't know. Join Conference USA and create the most bad-to-mediocre conference in the history of college football?
One figures the SEC will respond in some way, which could mean the death of the ACC, leaving college football with three real conferences and everyone else hoping to survive. But, like most things, expansion probably won't go as expected. What will go as expected, from now until the end of time, is that when it comes to sports, anyone and everyone will do anything to make more money. Fans and the players who drive this billion-dollar machine be damned. And I, for one, welcome the sweet taste of millions of dollars pumping straight into my school's bank account. Granted, I will never see any of this money, and more than likely those in charge of that money will use it in the most inefficient way possible, but the chance that one day someone (or hopefully multiple someones) who knows what they're doing deals with that money and uses it properly has me on board with the idea of expansion.
USC slammed with the swift and painful hammer of NCAA justice.
Like all things associated with the NCAA infractions committee, it takes way too damn long to find out anything. The Trojans are still awaiting the vicious finger-wagging that is sure to come after they cheated their way to a national title and Heisman trophies. Although, now that media-beloved Pete Carroll is no longer overseeing the football program, penalties will probably not be any lighter, strictly because of a universal hatred for Lane Kiffin.
The NHL operated like a successful organ-eye-zation.
The league currently keeping Major League Baseball out of last place for most incompetently run padded that lead on Sunday night. Instead of scheduling the Stanley Cup Finals for Saturday night or even Monday night, Gary Bettman chose to have his finals go head-to-head with the NBA Finals. One aired on ABC, the other on Versus. Well done, sir. Do you know what I sporting events I watched on Saturday night? An inning of the Cubs/Astros game and the last 20 minutes of an MLS game involving teams from Dallas and San Jose (I think). If I'm watching both of those, I could almost guarantee I would have watched the Stanley Cup game, assuming I could have figured out whatever channel Versus is. Do I need an extra satellite dish to pick up that channel? Not that I care, BUT HOW IN THE HELL DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB?
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Jim Joyce Gets a Taste of the SEC
On Wednesday night, Detroit Tigers' pitcher Armando Galarraga fell one out short of a perfect game when first-base umpire Jim Joyce incorrectly ruled that Jason Donald of the Cleveland Indians beat the throw to first base. The replay showed that Donald was out and that Galarraga was unfairly denied a perfect game. After the call, Tigers' manager Jim Leyland stormed out of the dugout to argue with the crustiness, vulgarity and cigarette breath one might associate with an old-school 1950s fire-breathing dragon of a football coach. The kind that offered no water breaks, believed pain heals itself with more pain and thought the color red was for gay people and communists, which in his eyes might have been the same thing.
So that got the wheels turning upstairs (normally they don't work after 6 PM) and a thought was created. What if the fine body of men who make up the coaches of the SEC were in that dugout? What might they have done if they knew anything about baseball and had the tolerance to sit through a four-hour sporting event...wait, they already have that, nevermind. I believe if they charged out to first base to get in Jim Joyce's face to argue, it might have gone something like this:
Les Miles
"YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Tell me this isn't my fault!! I didn't do something wrong this time did I!?! Should I be worried!?! They can't pin this one on me!! Tell me I'm doing a good job!! Tell me!! I need to feel loved!!"
*Begins to weep and is led back to the dugout by an assistant. Before reaching the dugout, he stops to call a timeout he doesn't have.*
Urban Meyer
*Cyborg stare that penetrates Joyce's soul. Waits until Joyce begins to weep, then dismisses him with a wave of the hand.*
Nick Saban
"WHATINTHEHOLYDAMNHELLYOUDUMBSONOFABITCHNEVERSEENSUCHACROCKOFSHITYOUWILLBURNFORTHISBURNISAYDOYOUHEARMEUNFREAKINGDAMNBELIEVABLEWHATASHITSTORMTHISIS."
Houston Nutt
"Now, Jimmy, what'd ya see? You sure about that? Positive? I don't know, Jimmy...say, once had a book in high school. Written by James Joyce. Not sure if he went by Jim or Jimmy. Never read it though. Too long. Compound sentences. Adverbs on adverbs. Gerunds. Can't enjoy that kinda read. Gotta see some pictures. Let's me know what's going on. Say, Jimmy..."
*EJECTED*
Mark Richt
*Never leaves dugout*
Bobby Johnson
"Dang it, I do not appreciate this, sir. Do you hear me? Do NOT appreciate this one bit, sir. Good day."
Dan Mullen
"You must be from The School Up North. Only someone from The School Up North can make a call like that. I beat The School Up North. The School Up North would produce someone like you. The School Up North...
*EJECTED*
Bobby Petrino
"Jim, you, your mother and that stranger you call dad can #$@%(#*&@(#*@(#*&;(@#&(@*#^#^&;@^$^@$*#@^@)$_@&;$)@&@$(!%!$&;@&@#&;*!*$%#^@*@!*#$&!^!%#&$*@^$%#*@*@^$@^$&;@&;$^@*$^@$*($)@*@!@#&@ until your ears bleed."
Gene Chizik
*Sends Trooper Taylor out to wave his towel at Joyce and fire up the crowd. Taylor also gives Galarraga a flying side bump before waving his towel some more and heading back to the dugout.*
Joker Phillips
*Phones Rich Brooks to get a refresher course in proper cursing technique. The lesson lasts so long that the game ends before Phillips can put his acquired knowledge to use.*
Derek Dooley
"(In robotic voice) Jim. I. promise. to. do. everything. the. opposite. of. whatever. Lane. Kiffin. did. have. a. nice. day."
Steve Spurrier
*Obligatory visor toss, smirk, teeth grinding, flushed face*
"Jim, that call was so easy even Stephen Garcia could have made the right decision."
So that got the wheels turning upstairs (normally they don't work after 6 PM) and a thought was created. What if the fine body of men who make up the coaches of the SEC were in that dugout? What might they have done if they knew anything about baseball and had the tolerance to sit through a four-hour sporting event...wait, they already have that, nevermind. I believe if they charged out to first base to get in Jim Joyce's face to argue, it might have gone something like this:
Les Miles
"YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Tell me this isn't my fault!! I didn't do something wrong this time did I!?! Should I be worried!?! They can't pin this one on me!! Tell me I'm doing a good job!! Tell me!! I need to feel loved!!"
*Begins to weep and is led back to the dugout by an assistant. Before reaching the dugout, he stops to call a timeout he doesn't have.*
Urban Meyer
*Cyborg stare that penetrates Joyce's soul. Waits until Joyce begins to weep, then dismisses him with a wave of the hand.*
Nick Saban
"WHATINTHEHOLYDAMNHELLYOUDUMBSONOFABITCHNEVERSEENSUCHACROCKOFSHITYOUWILLBURNFORTHISBURNISAYDOYOUHEARMEUNFREAKINGDAMNBELIEVABLEWHATASHITSTORMTHISIS."
Houston Nutt
"Now, Jimmy, what'd ya see? You sure about that? Positive? I don't know, Jimmy...say, once had a book in high school. Written by James Joyce. Not sure if he went by Jim or Jimmy. Never read it though. Too long. Compound sentences. Adverbs on adverbs. Gerunds. Can't enjoy that kinda read. Gotta see some pictures. Let's me know what's going on. Say, Jimmy..."
*EJECTED*
Mark Richt
*Never leaves dugout*
Bobby Johnson
"Dang it, I do not appreciate this, sir. Do you hear me? Do NOT appreciate this one bit, sir. Good day."
Dan Mullen
"You must be from The School Up North. Only someone from The School Up North can make a call like that. I beat The School Up North. The School Up North would produce someone like you. The School Up North...
*EJECTED*
Bobby Petrino
"Jim, you, your mother and that stranger you call dad can #$@%(#*&@(#*@(#*&;(@#&(@*#^#^&;@^$^@$*#@^@)$_@&;$)@&@$(!%!$&;@&@#&;*!*$%#^@*@!*#$&!^!%#&$*@^$%#*@*@^$@^$&;@&;$^@*$^@$*($)@*@!@#&@ until your ears bleed."
Gene Chizik
*Sends Trooper Taylor out to wave his towel at Joyce and fire up the crowd. Taylor also gives Galarraga a flying side bump before waving his towel some more and heading back to the dugout.*
Joker Phillips
*Phones Rich Brooks to get a refresher course in proper cursing technique. The lesson lasts so long that the game ends before Phillips can put his acquired knowledge to use.*
Derek Dooley
"(In robotic voice) Jim. I. promise. to. do. everything. the. opposite. of. whatever. Lane. Kiffin. did. have. a. nice. day."
Steve Spurrier
*Obligatory visor toss, smirk, teeth grinding, flushed face*
"Jim, that call was so easy even Stephen Garcia could have made the right decision."
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Get to Know Your SEC Football Players
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.
Today's number: 35
Today's team: Vanderbilt
Before we even get started, I'd like to go on record as saying the Vanderbilt football website is about as efficient and user-friendly as the Vanderbilt offense, circa forever. I suppose all of their smart and web-savvy people aren't allowed anywhere near the football offices for fear of acquiring failure by osmosis (this also might explain why no one goes to Vandy games; or perhaps it's just that they're terrible). So anyway, who knows if these guys (yes, guys; once again multiple people have the same number) still wear the number, but here are this week's players:
Some background information: First, my apologies to the families of Reece and Walt, as their relatives will not be featured here this week (or probably ever). I know the chances of them ever finding this are actually below zero, but should it appear in a Google images search for "whitewash" know that they were not selected because I found more information on Blake.
And speaking of Blake, he spent all of 2009 redshirting and destroying the Vanderbilt offense in practice while being a key member of the Commodore scout team defense. If his last name sounds familiar, his brother, Brannan, played fullback at Georgie for at least nine years. And that concludes all pertinent background information on Blake.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Acquiring a scholarship to Vanderbilt to play football. Also, according to his Vanderbilt profile (not sure on the accuracy of this), on the scout team field he "displayed excellent knowledge on position responsibilities and was solid in the weight room."
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: He's a walker of the straight and narrow.
Strengths: He has enough talent and skills to receive a Division-I scholarship.
Weaknesses: He only has enough talent and skills to receive a Division-I scholarship to Vanderbilt.
What to expect in 2010: Most likely you'll see Blake standing around on the sidelines, standing near group defensive huddles on the sidelines and potentially standing on the field while playing special teams. If you hear Blake's name during the course of a game and Vandy is on defense, it means three things could be happening: One, Vandy is getting blown out (most likely). Two, Vandy is doing the blowing out (highly unlikely). And three, if starting middle linebacker Chris Marve is injured, in which case Vandy is or soon will be getting blown out (for the Commodores' sake, I hope not). Or he could pull a Jay Culter and get highly intoxicated, break things on campus, resist arrest and then assume for the rest of his life that he is far more important than he actually is.
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.
Today's number: 35
Today's team: Vanderbilt
Before we even get started, I'd like to go on record as saying the Vanderbilt football website is about as efficient and user-friendly as the Vanderbilt offense, circa forever. I suppose all of their smart and web-savvy people aren't allowed anywhere near the football offices for fear of acquiring failure by osmosis (this also might explain why no one goes to Vandy games; or perhaps it's just that they're terrible). So anyway, who knows if these guys (yes, guys; once again multiple people have the same number) still wear the number, but here are this week's players:
Some background information: First, my apologies to the families of Reece and Walt, as their relatives will not be featured here this week (or probably ever). I know the chances of them ever finding this are actually below zero, but should it appear in a Google images search for "whitewash" know that they were not selected because I found more information on Blake.
And speaking of Blake, he spent all of 2009 redshirting and destroying the Vanderbilt offense in practice while being a key member of the Commodore scout team defense. If his last name sounds familiar, his brother, Brannan, played fullback at Georgie for at least nine years. And that concludes all pertinent background information on Blake.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Acquiring a scholarship to Vanderbilt to play football. Also, according to his Vanderbilt profile (not sure on the accuracy of this), on the scout team field he "displayed excellent knowledge on position responsibilities and was solid in the weight room."
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: He's a walker of the straight and narrow.
Strengths: He has enough talent and skills to receive a Division-I scholarship.
Weaknesses: He only has enough talent and skills to receive a Division-I scholarship to Vanderbilt.
What to expect in 2010: Most likely you'll see Blake standing around on the sidelines, standing near group defensive huddles on the sidelines and potentially standing on the field while playing special teams. If you hear Blake's name during the course of a game and Vandy is on defense, it means three things could be happening: One, Vandy is getting blown out (most likely). Two, Vandy is doing the blowing out (highly unlikely). And three, if starting middle linebacker Chris Marve is injured, in which case Vandy is or soon will be getting blown out (for the Commodores' sake, I hope not). Or he could pull a Jay Culter and get highly intoxicated, break things on campus, resist arrest and then assume for the rest of his life that he is far more important than he actually is.
SEC Spring Meetings Itinerary
Starting Tuesday morning, the spring series of SEC meetings will get underway (this is not to be confused with the other 12-ish times the conference finds a reason to go to Destin) and it promises to be four riveting days of back-slapping, smiles, fake smiles and general tolerance while listening to everyone reaffirm their beliefs on just how awesome the Southeastern Conference is. And during this brutal stretch of nothingness from now until September, you better believe I'll be milking this for content around here. Do you know what I was going to write about before I remembered these meetings? NOTHING. So while I mock them, I give thanks for them.
Here's a rough outline of the itinerary over the four days:
TUESDAY, DAY ONE
Morning Session
Opening remarks from Commissioner Slive. Topics expected to be covered:
-Expansion: Including the word "trillion" in regular discussions of SEC finances.
-Basketball: A few sentences to make the middle child of SEC sports feel better about itself.
-Commendation for coaches' conduct: Ten minutes besmirching Lane Kiffin and joint laughter at the impending NCAA sanctions against USC.
Break for lunch provided by Don Panchos (or Ponchos, still not sure which is right).
Afternoon Session
Athletic Director meetings on getting more high school athletes into college now that the NCAA has banned BYU's online courses, which helped many an athlete go from junior college material to Division-I-qualified in about 14 minutes.
Pool Time
Coaches' Chicken Fighting Championship
-Last year's champions, Lane Kiffin and Rich Brooks, will be replaced by Joker Phillips and Derek Dooley.
WEDNESDAY, DAY TWO
Morning Session
Commissioner Slive discusses football scheduling, including Alabama's complaint that six of its opponents will come off bye weeks before facing the Crimson Tide. His remarks are expected to reveal that this is merely a test to see how good of a coach Nick Saban is.
Break for lunch provided by Golden Flake
Afternoon Session
Alabama athletic director Mal Moore will hold a forum on writing checks to solve problems. Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone will hold a similar forum, but his will involve not writing checks to create problems.
Night Activity
Talent Show - back by popular demand, Bobby Petrino has a new sleight of hand routine, which will be the feature event.
THURSDAY, DAY THREE
Morning Session
Commissioner Slive will discuss basketball scheduling and seeding for the SEC Tournament. When everyone loses interest in about three minutes, the back-up discussion will be how much more interesting baseball was at this year's tournament in Hoover with the introduction of the pitch clock. This session is expected to last seven minutes.
Break for lunch provided by Bryan Foods
Afternoon Session
Four-man golf scramble. There will be a reminder that emphasizes less cheating than last year's event. The record score of 32-under will be formally stricken from the record book, and Trooper Taylor, Melvin Smith, Rodney Garner and Mike Hamilton will have their names removed from the trophy. Also, Steve Spurrier will be reminded he is not allowed to play alone.
Night Activity
Free time. Cautionary tale of Mike Price will be told to all before everyone departs for the evening.
FRIDAY, DAY FOUR
Morning Session
Closing remarks from Commissioner Slive. This will be a 15-minute period in which all cackle maniacally at Jim Delaney's attempt to make the Big Ten a better conference than the SEC.
Break for lunch provided by Jimmy Dean
Depart
All coaches, media and administrators will be reminded that Commissioner Slive would greatly appreciate their cooperation in allowing Ubran Meyer's plane to leave first. If not allowed to leave first, Meyer will throw a hissy fit and barrage the commissioner's office with angry phone calls for at least the next two weeks.
Here's a rough outline of the itinerary over the four days:
TUESDAY, DAY ONE
Morning Session
Opening remarks from Commissioner Slive. Topics expected to be covered:
-Expansion: Including the word "trillion" in regular discussions of SEC finances.
-Basketball: A few sentences to make the middle child of SEC sports feel better about itself.
-Commendation for coaches' conduct: Ten minutes besmirching Lane Kiffin and joint laughter at the impending NCAA sanctions against USC.
Break for lunch provided by Don Panchos (or Ponchos, still not sure which is right).
Afternoon Session
Athletic Director meetings on getting more high school athletes into college now that the NCAA has banned BYU's online courses, which helped many an athlete go from junior college material to Division-I-qualified in about 14 minutes.
Pool Time
Coaches' Chicken Fighting Championship
-Last year's champions, Lane Kiffin and Rich Brooks, will be replaced by Joker Phillips and Derek Dooley.
WEDNESDAY, DAY TWO
Morning Session
Commissioner Slive discusses football scheduling, including Alabama's complaint that six of its opponents will come off bye weeks before facing the Crimson Tide. His remarks are expected to reveal that this is merely a test to see how good of a coach Nick Saban is.
Break for lunch provided by Golden Flake
Afternoon Session
Alabama athletic director Mal Moore will hold a forum on writing checks to solve problems. Ole Miss athletic director Pete Boone will hold a similar forum, but his will involve not writing checks to create problems.
Night Activity
Talent Show - back by popular demand, Bobby Petrino has a new sleight of hand routine, which will be the feature event.
THURSDAY, DAY THREE
Morning Session
Commissioner Slive will discuss basketball scheduling and seeding for the SEC Tournament. When everyone loses interest in about three minutes, the back-up discussion will be how much more interesting baseball was at this year's tournament in Hoover with the introduction of the pitch clock. This session is expected to last seven minutes.
Break for lunch provided by Bryan Foods
Afternoon Session
Four-man golf scramble. There will be a reminder that emphasizes less cheating than last year's event. The record score of 32-under will be formally stricken from the record book, and Trooper Taylor, Melvin Smith, Rodney Garner and Mike Hamilton will have their names removed from the trophy. Also, Steve Spurrier will be reminded he is not allowed to play alone.
Night Activity
Free time. Cautionary tale of Mike Price will be told to all before everyone departs for the evening.
FRIDAY, DAY FOUR
Morning Session
Closing remarks from Commissioner Slive. This will be a 15-minute period in which all cackle maniacally at Jim Delaney's attempt to make the Big Ten a better conference than the SEC.
Break for lunch provided by Jimmy Dean
Depart
All coaches, media and administrators will be reminded that Commissioner Slive would greatly appreciate their cooperation in allowing Ubran Meyer's plane to leave first. If not allowed to leave first, Meyer will throw a hissy fit and barrage the commissioner's office with angry phone calls for at least the next two weeks.
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