Tuesday, June 23, 2009

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Normally on Mondays or Tuesdays, I like to take a look at what happened over the weekend. But considering the only thing that happened this weekend was the playing of multiple baseball games, I decided that wouldn’t be as compelling and rich as the readers of the Beast demand. So with that in mind, I introduce a new segment that will hopefully become a regular feature (which all depends on how motivated I am) around here. As the title clearly notes, I call it “What Didn’t Happen Over the Weekend.” Instead of covering all sports like the usual weekend recap, this first attempt will be an SEC only edition.

Good news Tennessee fans, your head coach, Lane Kiffin, did not rack up any new NCAA rules violations. He managed to accomplish this by not picking up any telephones, turning on a computer, opening his mouth or making any sort of hand gestures. For safety, he was placed in that contraption the FBI put Hannibal Lecter in when they took him to meet that senator or governor in Memphis. I don’t think he’ll bite off anyone’s face in order to start committing more rules violations, but it should be known the potential is always there.

Actually, there are two pieces of good news for Tennessee fans. Ed Orgeron survived the weekend without challenging the entire Tennessee football team to a fight. If this were early August, he may not have made it. However, he did tell all the graduate assistants that if he had to do it again, he’d still go for the fourth and one against Mississippi State.

Alabama did not get down on its knees and praise God for the slap on the wrist from the NCAA. Instead, they have elected to appeal the punishment handed down. Whether they are aware of it or not, they have also elected to have the NCAA up in their shit for the next five years. Not that anything will come of it, it’s Alabama.

Ole Miss signee Bobby Massie (and future left tackle) did not get into school. There was no indication he would, as he appears to be on the same timetable as Brent Schaeffer was, but it would have been nice.

Reports out of Starkville confirm that quarterback Tyson Lee did not grow four inches and is still 5’8”. That shouldn’t matter once Dan Mullen sends him to the bench after a three interception effort against Auburn, but until then I hope he retained his speed.

There is a bit of bad news for Tennessee. Turns out they’re not paying just one person to coach strength and conditioning. They still have to pay former strength coach Mark Smith his salary (unless he gets another job) and also have to pay Ed Orgeron’s hire, Aaron Ausmus. Ausmus, who comes from the football juggernaut of North Texas, was Orgeron’s guy at Ole Miss and also spent time at Southern Cal with both Kiffin and Orgeron. This also adds more steam to the rumors that Ed Orgeron has much more influence and power than he should ever be allowed to have.

Urban Meyer did not become any less insufferable in the past few days. All indications are that he is sharpening his poser steely glare by practicing in front of a mirror every day for two hours. He is also planning to dazzle the college football media with a revolutionary idea that he wants to be the team that scores the most points this season.

I’m sure he tried, but Auburn coach Gene Chizik did not improve his 5-19 career head coaching record. Unfortunately, that record won’t move until September. In a related story, Iowa State fans did not stop walking around with looks of pure joy.

And finally, South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia did not do anything over the weekend that embarrassed himself, his family, team, coaches, school or the Columbia community. Unfortunately for him, he still has another summer school session and each day he walks by that professor’s car it gets harder and harder to keep those keys in his pocket.

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