Thursday, May 07, 2009

The Best, Worst and In Between of the Week

The Blind Side officially set to be the greatest movie ever made. Just when you thought the movie based on Michael Lewis' The Blind Side couldn't get more awesome, word came out this week that in addition to the Shrimp Boat Captain playing himself, Alabama coach Nick Saban and former Tennessee coach Phil Fulmer will also play themselves in the movie. This nugget of information now increases the chance that I see this movie from 254,903% to 1,343,945%.

Of course I expect the Shrimp Boat's scenes to be nothing short of the greatest in the history of film, but if you read the book, Fulmer isn't portrayed very well at all. In fact, he's referred to as a "hick" by Oher's tutor, and members of the Tuohy family mentioned "yokel" and "good ol' boy" when recalling Fulmer's in-house visit while recruiting Oher. Seeing that dumpy redneck say things like "shucks" and "My-kul, you'll be my startin' left tackle at Tenn-uh-see" is going to be fantastic. They could charge $20 to see this movie and I'd pay. And I'll be interested to see how Nick Saban reacts to being around fellow 5'6" people (since all actors are borderline midgets). Perhaps it will reduce his assholishness by a degree or two.

Brett Favre chooses not to return to the NFL; still remains selfish, arrogant. Nearly one year after he held the sports world hostage over his return to the NFL, Favre threatened to repeat the same saga this summer. Thankfully, he either realized his arm was done (injured biceps muscle) or that going to mini-camp and training camp would interfere with filming more Wrangler jeans commercials. Whatever the reason, he told the Vikings he would stay retired and is officially done for at least this summer and upcoming year.

I know that there some Vikings' fans who are probably a little disappointed at this news, since it would seem logical that Favre (even at 75%) is an upgrade over Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels. But think for just a minute, with Jackson and Rosenfels, you know what you're getting. Jackson will have maybe four or five good games, will stink for the rest and get you to the 9-7, 10-6 range. Rosenfels will throw a couple hundred back-breaking interceptions, will inexplicably play really well for a stretch of time and get you to the same range as Tarvaris Jackson. But with these two, there's no false hope. You know what's going to happen when one of these guys lines up under center. They're going to suck and you'll still win 10 games.

With Favre, he's going to start out red hot, something in the 9-2 range, then start to feel old and tired and finally not give a crap the rest of the season, which will get you to the 10-6, 11-5 range. Essentially, he's a one game improvement over Jackson and Rosenfels, but he exponentially increases stress and hatred for yourself for caring so much about football. The stress and hate aren't worth it for just one game. Trust me, you'd rather see Brett Favre on your television playing touch football in the mud with a bunch of 5'8" actors than staring blankly out at the field from the bench after he's just thrown his fourth pick in a 16-10 Week 14 loss to the Bears.

Ole Miss football needs help from The Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too. Thanks to the aforementioned Shrimp Boat's inability to do anything right, the Ole Miss football team will lose three scholarships because of poor marks in the NCAA's Academic Progress Ratings, which is something the NCAA devised to pretend like college sports aren't about money. The Rebels scored a 910 (teams need to reach 925 to avoid any possible sanctions) mainly due to players that were run off by the Shrimp Boat leaving school and the culture of intimidation he created, and the rebellion that followed his intimidation.

My only solace from this mini-disaster he managed to bring on us a year and a half after getting fired is that at the end of 2010, he'll be in the unemployment line again when the Lane Kiffin era, or Ed Orgeron 2.0, comes to a close in Knoxville

So, Manny Ramirez IS smart enough to stay on a steroids cycle. Well, it's official. Everyone, and I mean everyone, who played baseball from 1995 to 2007 took steroids or some form of a PED (which is baseball's new buzzword). If Manny Ramirez can do it, everyone did it. Well, that's actually assuming everyone else in baseball is smarter than Manny, which, given that he once cut a throw off from center field while playing left field, seems to be a pretty safe bet.

As for what this does to baseball for me, it doesn't really bother me because I had already come to believe that everyone cheated and, while I still watch, baseball has become a sport with which to pass the time until football gets here. Plus, baseball's leadership (from the commissioner to the player's union) is some of the worst and most irresponsible in modern history. Only hockey stands in their way of being at the bottom of the professional sports food chain.

However, this does bother me in the world of fantasy baseball. Dodgers' outfielder Andre Ethier is a member of my fantasy team and he (and my team) has benefited greatly from hitting in front of Manny or right behind him. Only Albert Pujols has more RBIs than Ethier. So, before Ethier's numbers start declining, let me send out a hearty screw you to Manny Ramirez, not for causing baseball analyst and fans to cry over our national pastime that isn't really our pastime anymore, but for potentially damaging my fantasy baseball season. Seriously, I hope your woman's fertility drug burned a hole in the lining of your stomach.

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