NIT Fever

"Coaching casual" on the invitations has a variety of interpretations.

In about two hours, the semifinals of the National Invitation Tournament get started when Ole Miss and Dayton meet (immediately followed by North Carolina and Rhode Island). Both games promise to be as compelling and rich as one would imagine them to be, especially to those with no rooting interest. "Live from Madison Square Garden on a Tuesday night, it's Ole Miss and Dayton!" has approximately zero percent appeal to those outside of Ole Miss, Dayton and degenerate gamblers. So, you might ask yourself, why am I reading about the NIT right now? Well, first, you have run out of other things to read on the Internet and have found yourself here, and second, Ole Miss is involved in a sporting event on a Tuesday night and I have nothing better to do than to think about it. So there.

But, since I only understand one team (Ole Miss) and vaguely another (North Carolina), I can't give an accurate breakdown of the matchups (my apologies to the Dayton and Rhode Island fans, I only have so much time and the large portion of that is devoted to doing nothing). So this breakdown will be based purely on the the picture above and the fashion sense that each coach chose to display, knowing that members of the press would be in attendance.

From left to right...

Roy Williams, North Carolina
By wearing a Tar Heel blue sweater vest and navy blue windsuit/track pants, Roy is announcing that he's won two national championships and he can do whatever the hell - whoops, sorry Roy - "heck" he wants to do. He's in the NIT, but his attire suggests he's watching an intra-squad scrimmage in Chapel Hill or perhaps an AAU game at a Nike camp. The man wants to win, but if he doesn't, so what. He's got a ring on his finger and a fat paycheck coming every two weeks. I think that attitude will translate well with his players and they'll show that same feeling into the finals.

Jim Baron, Rhode Island
Either the real Jim Baron had a prior engagement or the real Jim Baron is also the University of Rhode Island's Dean of Student Housing. Or Student Government. I think Jim was filled with nervous energy about Rhode Island's appearance on the New York stage and didn't want to seem to casual about it. And there could have been an academic conference taking place as well and he didn't want to go back to the hotel to change, which I think is an idea we can all appreciate. Jim's stiff, professional demeanor makes me a little wary about the Rams' chances. I think they'll play most of the game as if they too are wearing a suit. For you degenerates out there, I like North Carolina to beat them (and cover).

Brian Gregory, Dayton
Brian is wearing what I would assume most coaches would wear to an event like this. The Not Guilty Look - coat, dress shirt and no tie - says I wanted to dress up, but I'm not getting carried away (it also says I am not guilty of the crimes of which I stand accused). And because Brian is keeping it so real, I like Dayton's chances. The Not Guilty Look tells me he's approaching this time in New York just like he would any other game. He knows what his team is and is confident of their ability. Dayton is my pick to win it all.

Andy Kennedy, Ole Miss
Was Andy aware that this was a public event? The custom Ole Miss track suit with the Jordan brand t-shirt says "Where is the entertainment again? Over here? Oh, behind that curtain. Gotcha." I do not like Ole Miss' chances. And I think it's safe to assume that the charter plane isn't leaving New York until Friday, not because of the finals on Thursday but because Andy has a few dozen places to visit in Manhattan.

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Urban Meyer maintains icy, unflinching death stare; burns reporter's house to the ground.
After lashing out at the Orlando Sentinel's Jeremy Flower for correctly quoting one of his players, which then spawned a Gulf of Tonkin-like skirmish with the media, Meyer met with Fowler privately so the two could have an airing of grievances. According to Fowler, Meyer apologized and said the discussion between the two was "constructive." But fear not, Urban Meyer fans. His rage is not burning any less bright after backing down to media pressure. If anything this incident just took it to another level, only now Derek Dooley and the Tennessee Volunteers (and probably Mark Richt and Georgia) will receive the focused aggression meant for Jeremy Fowler. And just think how badly Florida will beat both of those teams this year with a real quarterback.

LSU's spring game spawns a Montana/Young quarterback battle.
Jordan Jefferson led the White team (racists!) to a 24-9 victory over the Purple team on Saturday. Jefferson was Jefferson, completing 8 of 23 passes for 94 yards and one interception. And our old friend Jarrett Lee continued to showcase his unbelievable ability to throw touchdowns to the other team, as one of his 20 passes was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. However, 10 of his passes did find the hands of those on his team, including one for a touchdown. On a windy day, Les Miles said his team "put a premium on running the football." No word whether a premium was also placed on clock management, sound coaching decisions and remaining calm at all times.

South Carolina's sports marketing joins Ole Miss' as one of the SEC's elite.
Steve Spurrier has become the latest coach to install the "Wildcat" package as part of his offense. And, like so many schools, the formation has a nickname specific to South Carolina (like Wild Rebel at Ole Miss). After careful consideration, those in control of this name or at least getting the name out to the public have decided it should be known as the "Wild Cock." Now, maybe it's the immaturity inside of me and that I couldn't sit through a 7th grade Life Science class without laughing, but surely there's a better name from a marketing perspective than Wild Cock (hahahaha). Wild Visor, Wild Smirk, Wild No Quarterback, Wild I-Don't-Know-If-I-Can-Do-This-Much-Longer. Just a thought. Although, if the name survives until the fall, I very much look forward to hearing Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson discuss the successes and failures of the Wild Cock.

Hoover Hot Tub Time Machine

11:00 PM
July 2010
SEC Media Days Eve
Hoover, Alabama
Wynfrey Hotel

Scene opens with Nick Saban, Houston Nutt, Les Miles and Steve Spurrier relaxing in the hot tub of the Presidential Suite, surrounded by the finest Italian marble and fixtures found in the Birmingham area.

Nutt: Nick, I gotta tell you, this is impressive. All this marble. Very shiny. Classy. Fun to stare at for long periods of time. If I had skates, probably could skate on it. Need to get some for the ranch in Oxford.

Saban: Well, Houston, I'm Nick Saban. I own this son of a bitch. Not by title, but I own it. Hell, I own the whole state now, and if I want marble I'll get my damn marble. I might even get marble highways coming in and out of Tuscaloosa.  (Tosses head back and cackles maniacally)

Spurrier: Nick, I have to ask, whatcha drinkin' in that gold goblet? I mean, I'm enjoying my margarita, really like the strawberry kind, but whatever you got seems to be the best of the bunch.

Saban: You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Spurrier: Try me. The Ball Coach has seen and done just about everything. Why in 1996...

Saban: Bald eagles' blood mixed with silverback gorilla testosterone.

Miles: YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! THAT'LL PUT SOME HAIR ON YOUR CHEST!!!

Spurrier: Les, why are you yelling? And can you take your hat off? We're in a hot tub. You're starting to weird me out.

Miles: THE HAT STAYS WHERE IT SITS!!!
(Takes an eight second swig out of a brown jug labeled "New Iberia XXX.")

Nutt: Bald eagles. So majestic. Free. Flying through the air. Thought about getting some at the ranch. Get rid of some of the snakes around the pond. Don't like the snakes. Hard to enjoy fishing with snakes on the mind. Can't relax. Slimy things slithering around. Dangerous.  (Appears to be deep in thought, then takes a sip of his of red wine through a crazy straw.)

Saban: Well, gentlemen, I'm glad you could join me on this fine evening before we face the media. I"m sorry not everyone could make it. Johnson thought he might have fun, so he declined. Mark thinks only the devil's work takes place after 10 PM, Mullen was busy getting his resume updated and Urban said something about holding a practice in the parking garage. I didn't bother inviting those assholes from Auburn and Arkansas, but if I knew who the hell the guys at Tennessee and Kentucky were I would have ask them to join us.

Miles: YYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! DAMN FINE COACHES!!!

Saban: So you say. Gentlemen, (raises goblet) to a another fantastic year in the Southeastern Conference.

All take part in the cheers with glasses, goblet or, in Miles' case, jug. The booze, bald eagles' blood and Les Miles' insanity flow freely for the next few hours before all four men call it a night.

8:45 AM
July 1998
SEC Media Day
Hoover, Alabama
Wynfrey Hotel

Saban, Spurrier and Nutt groggily shuffle into the living room of the Presidential Suite. Saban is dressed in a Spartans Football shirt and khakis, still holding his goblet. Spurrier is wearing a Florida windbreaker, khakis, and trademark visor. Nutt looks like this:



And Miles is lying face down on the floor, naked, save for a Dallas Cowboys shirt.

Nutt: (rubbing temples) Bad idea. Bad idea. Should have stopped at half a glass. I know how I get after one. Gotta be better than that. Mistake needs to be corrected.

Saban: Why in the holy #$%@ am I wearing Michigan State clothes? SOMEONE BETTER HAVE SOME ANSWERS FOR ME!!! I DO NOT TOLERATE A LACK OF INFORMATION! WHERE IS THAT SACK OF SHIT S.I.D. WE PAY TOO MUCH MONEY?

Spurrier: Now calm down there, Nick. We don't look so bad. I always did look best in Gator blue and orange. And this visor, so crisp and blue. Look how far I can throw it. (Throws it with good velocity into the bedroom.)

Miles: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Roars to life and on his feet. Notices the Cowboys shirt, but ignores his pantlessness.) DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS, DALLAS. JERRY, I'M COMING HOME. CHAN CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT ME!!! YYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Sprints out of the suite, down the hallway and presumably out of the hotel.)

Nutt: Strange dude that Les. But intense. Love intensity. Gotta have intensity. Need it each day you go to work. It's what we preach to our young men. No days off on this level.

Saban: Come on, guys. We need to go figure out what the hell is going on here. I've got no Gucci and Armani, I'm wearing this awful green color and I SURE AS SHIT DON'T SEE ANY ITALIAN MARBLE IN HERE! WHEN I FIND THAT S.I.D., HE'S DEAD. DEAD. I TAKE NO PRISONERS.

The three head down to the lobby of the Wynfrey. When the elevator doors open, standing just 20 yards away are Phil Fulmer and Jackie Sherrill discussing new ways to cheat.

Spurrier: Fulmer. I thought we put him out to pasture. He was done. Finished. My easiest source of victories other than Kentucky and that smart school. I won the battle between good and evil. How can he be back?

Nutt: Read about the undead one time. Scary stuff. You kill 'em. They look dead. But they ain't dead. Come back and hang around. I'd watch out, Steve. Hocus-pocus stuff makes me nervous.

Saban: (Pointing across the lobby) Who the hell is that chunky, bald guy with those Alabama people? Does he think he's in charge now? I will show this @!#$%^&*%#@$ what in charge is. (Stomps off to savagely berate the man.)

Fulmer: (Spots Spurrier and waddles over to talk; Sherrill tags along) Steve, good to see you again. Hope everything is well with you.

Spurrier: Hey there, Phil. It's been a while. (Turns to Sherill) Jackie Wayne, how are ya?

Sherrill: It's just Jackie, Steve. Jackie.

Spurrier: Sure thing, Jackie Wayne.

Sherrill: Jackie.

Spurrier: Wayne. Jackie Wayne.

Sherrill: Ja-

Spurrier: Jackie Wayne. Got it. (Turns back to Fulmer) Hey, Phil, got a question for ya?

Fulmer: Shoot.

Spurrier: Have you lost some weight because nothing loses faster than... Wait, no, that's not right. Okay, have you lost some weight because you can't lose weight without orange... Awww, man. Hold on. One more try. Hey, Phil...

Fulmer: Yes, Steve?

Spurrier: Have you lost some weight because losing weight is easy when you can't spell... Dammit! None of those are right. I'm all out of practice. I used to have a whole list of these things memorized. Shouldn't have left Florida. I have no good jokes at South Carolina. None. There's nothing there. Nothing. (Begins mumbling incoherently to himself and gets back on the elevator.)

Fulmer: That was weird. Can't believe he didn't think of a Peyton Manning joke. Well, Houston, welcome to the league. I'm sure you'll find...

Saban: (Sprinting back over to the group) Houston! Houston! We've got to get out of here. Do you know how that bald man was? MIKE DUBOSE!!! He's destroyed just about everything he's touched, especially at Alabama. AND I TOUCHED HIM. I'M UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN I TELL YOU, UNCLEAN!

Nutt: Easy there, Nick. Deep breaths. That's what I always do when I get worked up. Learned that trick trying to coach Greg Hardy. Confused young man that Greg. Talented. Needs to work harder. Stay focused. More energy. Still a good Rebel.

Saban: Houston, listen to me. We've traveled back in time. It's 1998, not 2010. All that damn Italian marble must have done something weird to the hot tub. For the sake of our careers we have to get away from DuBose and Sherrill. They're as good as done.

Nutt: Now, Nick. That doesn't make sense. Time travel. Read about it one time. Can't be done. Even thought about building my own time machine. The guy at Ace told me they didn't have the parts. Neither did Home Depot. Nice people those folks at Ace. It's the neighborhood...

Tommy Tuberville appears.

Tuberville: Hey guys, just wanted to hand you my card. (Begins handing them out) That's got my home number, cell number, fax, home address, something called an email address and directions to my house. If you hear of any jobs, I'm always ready to listen. You never say no, right?  (Winks and walks away.)

Saban: (Throws card to the floor in disgust. Grabs Nutt's arm and pulls him into the elevator.) It's time to get back to 2010 so the king can still be the king.

Sherrill: Hey, that's my nickname!

Saban: I don't speak to the unemployed.

Nutt: I was unemployed once. Not fun that unemployment. Boring. Just kind of...(elevator doors close)

Fulmer: (Turns to Sherrill) Wanna hit up the buffet?

Sherrill: Can't. Gotta go make some living arrangements for some junior college players we have coming in. Found them a nice hotel right off campus.

THE END

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Mississippi State athletic director Greg Byrne signs a lifetime contract; pledges to remain in Starkville forever.
The man who secured his job status for the next ten years in the eyes of State fans when he mercifully put an end to the Sylvester Croom era decided that he would prefer to fire bad coaches at another school. Byrne resigned from Mississippi State and has accepted the same position at Arizona, where, judging from their big three sports teams, he won't be doing any firing in the near future (unless the basketball team misses another NCAA Tournament, which will cause rioting and mayhem throughout Tuscon). This news probably doesn't come as a huge shock to State fans since rumors about Byrne and Arizona have been floating around now for at least a month, but the loss may hit hard for some of them.

Ever since he canned Croom, Byrne achieved sort of a hero status among the MSU faithful. After all, this is the guy stood up and said "I don't care what it costs, we're not paying an overmatched, career NFL assistant coach to win four games anymore." He was young, full of energy and appeared to have a plan to make State into a well-run and successful athletic program. Now, whether he was on his way to doing that I don't know (I can only follow one team at a time), but he did find and hire Dan Mullen and, my personal favorite, told the angry, get-off-my-lawn, old man head baseball coach Ron Polk that his services were no longer needed (this eventually lead to Polk becoming outraged he didn't have any say in who the new coach would be, requesting that his name be taken off the stadium and saying something along the lines of "Now Tommy ain't got no job" when his choice and top assistant, Tommy Raffo, was not hired). With Byrne's departure, State fans now face the possibility of a member of the GOB (good ol' boy) network replacing him and that Dan Mullen's departure date from Starkville just moved up. If Mullen isn't comfortable with the new AD, I doubt he'll be there to see the start of Tyler Russell's junior season (not to mention he'll have no reason to show loyalty to the new guy). And while Greg Byrne was probably a little more hype than substance, he at least showed publicly that he would not put up with losing or falling behind.

Nick Saban declares coach of the year award should be named for him.
Not yet, but all in due time. Instead, Saban received the inaugural Bobby Bowden coach of the year award on Saturday. No, the award is not given to the coach who displays the most confused look on his face for the longest period of time (Bowden shattered all previous records with the same confused look for eight consecutive seasons), but to the coach that does really well at coaching football. Or something like that. I'm not sure if Saban can continue being horrifyingly angry for another 25 or so years, but if he does, I look forward to him angrily presenting the Nick Saban Coach of the Year Award to someone else in the year 2038.

Mark Ingram's father gets a reduced sentence for excellent cleaning work on the highways of the state of New York.
The Heisman trophy winner's father had two more years tacked on to his sentence after his 2009 attempt to jump bail to see his son play in the Sugar Bowl against Utah. The elder Ingram was to surrender in December of 2008 to start his sentence of seven years and eight months for money laundering and bank fraud. Even more unfortunately for him, he didn't even get to see the game as he was arrested in his hotel room before it started. A note to Ingram Sr.: Sir, crimes against the people of the state of New York on any level do not appear to be a successful endeavor for you. Do your time, get yourself together and perhaps then you can see your son play in person and not via television in a correctional facility or a hotel room.

Kansas basketball rides a wave of destruction over the first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament.
Well, well, well. We meet again. Several years ago, after yet another Kansas team failed me miserably in the NCAA Tourney (lost to Bucknell in the first round; No, I don't know who that is either), I swore I would never pick them again. I stuck by that promise even when the team that beat Memphis appeared so dominant. Then, for some unknown reason, I decided that this year would be different. This Kansas team really was the most complete team in the field. They had three or four NBA players on the team. No one could possibly match them. And then those assholes go out and lose to Northern Iowa. NORTHERN IOWA. NOT IOWA OR IOWA STATE. A DIRECTIONAL SCHOOL WITHIN THAT STATE. AT BEST, THE THIRD SCHOOL IN IOWA. A TEAM THAT HAD THE LOOK OF A MISSISSIPPI PRIVATE SCHOOL TEAM. WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU?

Nothing would bring me greater joy in this life than if Kansas never won another game. Not just in the NCAA Tournament, but ever. Exhibition or regular season. EVER. No one team has consistently ruined more people's brackets like Kansas has. Roy Williams' teams always found a way to fall apart in March. And save for a John Calipari epic failure, Bill Self's teams have followed suit. I would say that no basketball program in the country has historically done less with more (the school has had more All-Americans than any other school). Every year since I can remember watching basketball, all I've heard is how loaded Kansas is. That they're the team to beat. And in my lifetime they've won two NCAA titles. Two. You know who else has won two? THE FLORIDA GATORS, a bastion of basketball tradition. And they did it in consecutive years. So hear this, I will not be sucked into Kansas' siren song ever again. I will hate them with every fiber in my being for as long as I shall live. I will take indescribable pleasure in their losses. I will weep with joy when they lose in March next year. And I will laugh to the point of tears when I see their sad players and fans after yet another horrible loss in the NCAA Tournament.

NCAA Bracket Breakdown By a One-Time Pool Winner

I hate and always will hate Chris Webber. I was 12 years old when Webber called the infamous timeout that his team didn't have. It cost Michigan a chance to beat North Carolina in the 1993 NCAA Championship game and it's a play that still follows Webber. But more, and absolutely most importantly, it cost me $250.

With the financial backing of my dad, I filled out a bracket for his office pool, selecting Kentucky as my champion (most everyone else picked North Carolina). Our bracket lead from the beginning all the way into the Final Four weekend. Then Kentucky took it upon themselves to lose to Michigan on Saturday. We were done, or so we thought. After doing the "what if" math, I discovered that if Michigan won on Monday night, we still had enough points to win. And so, when Webber called timeout, my dreams of winning $250, which is like $10,000 in 12-year old money, and a big-money pool were smashed.

Since that harrowing loss, I have never recovered. I've won an NCAA pool only once. It was in college and I think I won something like $30 or $40. Even though it wasn't much, as Jeff Spicoli would say, those were righteous bucks. Mostly because I finally won one of these damn things and could lord it over people, which is ALWAYS AWESOME. And despite my horrible lifetime record (1-16, I believe), I will always fill out a bracket, just to have a shot at rubbing my victory in the faces of my fellow pool members.

So, with a near-complete track record of failure, I present what you need to know about all the teams for this the 2010 NCAA Tournament.

Teams to Avoid
If you saw a team playing last week in a big high school gym and the television feed wasn't in HD, they probably belong here. Also, teams that just plain stink.

Lehigh
Ohio
UC Santa Barbara
Vermont
North Texas - The Sun Belt should always be on this list.
Oakland
East Tennessee State
Montana
Morgan State
Arkansas-Pine Bluff - Why in the hell won't the NCAA make the play-in game between two teams that would be interesting to watch? A play-in game between someone like Mississippi State (or any other bubble team) and Utah State would have been fantastic. Yes, Winthrop and APB are terrible teams, but they at least won their conference tournaments. How could you not be in favor of having something worth watching on a Tuesday night? This drives me nuts.
Robert Morris
Texas
Louisville
Houston
Georgia Tech
New Mexico State
Florida State
Northern Iowa
Vanderbilt - This Vandy team should be a brand of toilet paper known for its softness.
Wofford
Minnesota - Another play-in game nominee
Wake Forest
Florida - Play-in game nominee
Washington - Shouldn't be in.
Wisconsin - If they win a game, I hope it's 40-35.
Clemson
Missouri
Purdue - Injury to best player lands them here
Sam Houston State

Teams That Are Intriguing, but Will Ultimately Not Make You Look Smart
Every year I have some fantastic upset picks, like upsets that have a legitimate chance of happening. Except they never happen. I look smart (after all, that's what a bracket is really about, looking smarter than everyone else) for about 35 minutes until the underdog pick falls apart because they're just not very good. Then I am told what an idiot I am. DAMN YOU 2006 WINTHROP EAGLES. HOW COULD YOU NOT HOLD ON AGAINST TENNESSEE?

Old Dominion - According to EDSBS, this should also become a brand of malt liquor.
California
Cornell - They're so smart/scrappy/intelligent/well-coached/disciplined!
Gonzaga - Has one team lived off two tournament runs more than this school?
Texas A&M
UNLV
UTEP
Murray State
Marquette
San Diego State
Pittsburg
Richmond - Just thought I should write something here during this boring stretch of teams.
Siena
Oklahoma State
Notre Dame
Maryland
St. Mary's
BYU
Tennessee
Michigan State - Please, please, please go out early.

Unexpected Teams to See in the Sweet 16
You would do best to totally ignore what I write here. Every year I try to name these Cinderellas and every year I fail miserably.

Butler
Baylor - I realize they are a three seed, but Baylor in the Sweet 16 still sounds weird
Utah State
New Mexico - See Baylor
Temple
Xavier

High Seeds That Won't Quite Make the Final Four
These are good teams, but just don't have enough (or won't be lucky enough) to push their way into the last weekend. I'm sure at least two or three teams on this list will enrage me by their failures or failure to stay on this list.

Ohio State
Villanova - Stinking it up as of late.
Georgetown - John Thompson III following in his father's footsteps of coaching his team out of games.

Legitimate Final Four Contenders
I hate no surprise teams in the Final Four, and all number one seeds are boring, but here's the short list.

Kansas
Duke - Kansas, the number one overall seed, would like to swap regionals with you.
Kentucky - They're a Final Four contender, but they're also a second round loser contender.
Syracuse
West Virginia - If they figure out how to shoot, which is not likely, I would hate to play them.
Kansas State

My final piece of advice to you is to ignore everything you've just read, avoid the go-for-broke upsets I so thoroughly enjoy picking, pick Duke to lose because we all like rooting for that and sign up for the Beast's NCAA pool.

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