My apologies for not giving the world 2500 words on who would win the eight SEC games over the weekend, but seeing that six of those teams played awful teams, I can assure you that nothing remotely interesting would have been found here (of course, that's assuming interesting things are normally found here, which is debatable). So without further delay, let's get right to all those thrilling games from the weekend.
Arkansas 33, South Carolina 16
Here are two series of events that perfectly define the Steve Spurrier era of one step forward, two steps back at South Carolina:
1. Second quarter, just under three minutes left before halftime, leading 10-7, the Gamecocks have the ball third at two at the Arkansas 49. They fail to convert and punt to Arkansas, who starts at their own 24. The Hogs immediately complete a 69 yard pass to D.J. Williams to the South Carolina 7 and kick a field goal to tie it before halftime.
2. Third quarter, first play of the half, South Carolina throws an 80 yard touchdown pass. They then immediately drop the snap on the extra point and fail to convert it.
Now, as an Ole Miss fan, I can appreciate that effort in disappointment. I've seen much worse than that over the years, but the essence of failure was still there. This is now year five for Spurrier at South Carolina and I'm not sure you can say they're any better than they were after year one. I know South Carolina has never had this level of consistent winning before (seriously, go look at their football history. It. Is. Awful.), so it's hard to question South Carolina for not wanting to make any changes (and this is still Steve Spurrier we're talking about), but with the lack of improvement and same dumb mistakes made over and over again, maybe it is time to discuss the idea of Spurrier moving to a golf course and an environment free of college kids who ruin his perfect plays. A firing seems as likely as a successful South Carolina running game, but a "retirement" doesn't seem completely out of question. So with that said, let's all watch South Carolina beat Florida next week, only to lose the following week to Clemson by four touchdowns.
Georgia 38, Tennessee Tech 0
While Joe Cox did not throw any interceptions, his backup (and I would assume the starter for next year), Logan Gray, did and is getting a jump on the 2010 Awww-Shit Trophy.
Kentucky 37, Directional Kentucky School 12
Let's all enjoy an interpretive dance to the Star Spangled Banner.
Auburn 63, Furman 31
I am happy to report that former Two-a-Days star Max Lerner of "We're gonna lose the game because Max Lerner is a dumbass" fame led the Paladins in tackles with eight and even forced a fumble. Unfortunately for Furman, Ross Wilson was not quarterbacking the offense and Rush Probst was not involved in any way.
Alabama 24, LSU 15
I'm sure you've read and heard all about LSU's claims that they were jobbed by the officials in this game. And they do have some legitimate claims, especially the Patrick Peterson interception that was incredibly ruled not to be an interception, but what everyone is ignoring here is that even if Peterson had been given credit for making the pick, LSU still had to have another score, and leading that effort would still have been Jarrett Lee. JARRETT LEE. And the scoring drive would have had to been one of 69 yards (assuming he would have been spotted out at the 31). The odds of that happening are about as good as an SEC replay official getting a call right.
I understand the outrage over not having the chance to watch Lee throw some more incompletions or another interception, but personally I'd rather not have to go through that and save myself the stress from such an event that would most certainly take off at least three weeks of my life. This game was over when Charles Scott and, I can't believe I'm typing this, Jordan Jefferson were done for the game. Jefferson played under control and was actually giving LSU a chance to win the game, as was Scott who was really starting to look good before hurting his shoulder. Without those two, the burden of winning the game fell on the LSU defense to create a turnover (which they sort of did) or a touchdown and on Jarrett Lee, which was almost a guarantee Alabama would win.
So now that the SEC finally has its Armageddon match up between Florida and Alabama set up, maybe this will be the end of the weekly buffoonery of SEC field and replay officials. However, they still want both of them to reach the title game undefeated, so two more weeks of stupidity should be expected, assuming that there is some sort of conspiracy, of which I am drinking the kool-aid. Only the National Basketball Association deals with these rampant conspiracy rumors, which may not be exactly rumors. How else can one explain such a constant screw up when a play goes to the replay booth (or even on the field)? With the amount of incompetency reigning down from these veiled figures in the press box, I wouldn't be surprised if the outcomes of the reviews were based on two drifters fighting over a tin can of saltines. And until your team has been thoroughly screwed over by one of these assholes, you'll never understand the rage that the rest of us have at the SEC.
Tennessee 56, Memphis 28
Now that the Tommy West era in Memphis is officially over, he has a few things he'd like to tell the world what the rest of us already knew. Watch the bridges burn.
Florida 27, Vanderbilt 3
The good news was that Vanderbilt had quite the balanced offense attack on Saturday. The bad news is that it produced only 100 passing yards and 99 rushing yards. It is still my hope that they can somehow beat Kentucky next week and allow Ed Orgeron to hold on to the title of the last head coach to lead his team to zero SEC wins in a season.
Ole Miss 38, Directional School 14
Rest assured ladies and gentlemen, Jevan Snead is still not very good. I was there for a little over a half of this game and nothing I saw leads me to believe he can produce a win against Tennessee. After he stinks up the first half this week against the Vols, there is no evidence in existence that could possibly prove he'll be a competent quarterback this year, which means he's officially done, so let's move on. For the sake of my sanity and health, let's at least give Nathan Stanley the chance to show that he too stinks.
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
Northwestern 17, Iowa 10
How is it humanly possible to talk about Iowa for a month straight? Well, at least this will be the last week in which the Hawkeyes are mentioned here. Finally, they ran out of sacrificial animals and the football gods struck them down with all their might. In fact, they even took out the starting quarterback in payment for Iowa's streak that was bordering on challenging on Seal for luckiest sequence of events in the history of mankind (his music career and his smoking hot wife, which to this day cannot be explained). Unfortunately, this turn of events means we'll most likely be seeing Ohio State in the Rose Bowl where Terrelle Pryor will ring in the New Year with a holiday basket of incompletions and generally awful quarterbacking skill.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
(Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches.)
It's the first week in which we have no winner. Seriously, everyone sucked this week.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
(Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play.)
Jarrett Lee, QB, LSU
Although not really his fault since he wasn't supposed to play, Lee came in for the injured Jordan Jefferson and reminded everyone why he no longer plays. He wins this week's award because he had the opportunity to at least give LSU a chance (assuming they wouldn't have been screwed by the officials even more) and responded with a 4 of 10 for 44 yards and 1 INT.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
(Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him.)
Nick Saban, Alabama
Despite a void at the quarterback position, Saban finally broke LSU's win streak in Tuscaloosa. Yes, he got a little help, but in the end it was his defense that put LSU away for good.
2009 SEC Awww-Shit Trophy Leaderboard
The trophy, which gets its name from the reaction of fans when their team’s quarterback throws an interception (“Awww-shit!!!), will be awarded at the end of the year to the quarterback in the SEC who throws the most interceptions. A more prestigious award I cannot recall.
1. Jevan Snead 13
2. Joe Cox 12
3. Tyson Lee 11
4. Jonathan Crompton 10
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Tennessee at Ole Miss
The Shrimp Boat Captain returns to the school in which he won just three conference games and 10 games overall in three years. I plan on being there when the Vols get off the bus with a big pot of gumbo in hopes of luring him away from his game day responsibilities. Not that jumping up and down with the players before they run out of the tunnel is that important, but anything to throw off their normal Saturday would be a good thing.
Florida at South Carolina
Florida's last major test in keeping the undefeated season alive before reaching Atlanta against Alabama. I would mention something about Florida State, but let's be serious.
Alabama at Mississippi State
It has to be some sort of record for a team to host two top two teams in one season. I'm sure someone has done the research (if not, get on that, the rest of us need to know), but for now let's say it's never happened before.