The end of July is an especially dry time in the field of entertainment, both sporting and movies/TV (unless Cowboys and Aliens is the piece of over-the-top excellence I think it will be), so we need something to distract us from the cries of, "I know the Yankees have an offense, BUT DO THEY NEED ANOTHER ARM? And how will the Red Sox counter that? Also, all the other teams, we'll just refer to all of them as the Padres, might do something too."
With Media Days in mind, let us prepare our minds for those wonderfully non-informative three days by addressing the pressing questions that need to be asked and answered.
In order of appearance:
Arkansas
-So, Coach, Tyler Wilson, what's that gonna be like?
-How have you celebrated becoming the only SEC to ever benefit by a vacated Ohio State victory?
-Knile Davis was clearly the best player on your team by the end of the year. How do you plan to take carries away from him with a relatively untested quarterback just because you can?
-Willie Robinson. Did you know his last name was Robinson?
-Something something something paying players something something something.
Florida
-Use "Boom" as both an adverb and infinitive.
-Will John Brantley complete a pass longer than 10 yards this season?
-Will the first four games of the year not involve the center snapping the ball on the ground every third snap?
-Does Charlie Weis' sweat smell like pork, mozzarella sticks, or old fish?
-Something something something paying players something something something.
South Carolina
-Stephen Garcia. Go.
-Is it possible you miss Chris Smelley?
-Blake Mitchell?
-Would you consider taking Tyrone Nix back?
/Gray is dragged out of the room and beaten by Hoover police
-Something something something paying players something something something.
Mississippi State
"I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE. I WON NINE GAMES WITH CHRIS RELF PLAYING QUARTERBACK. I WENT 1-4 IN MY DIVISION. I BEAT FLORIDA AND GEORGIA BY SCORING 34 TOTAL POINTS. KNEEL WHEN YOU APPROACH ME."
-Uh, Coach...
"KNEEL."
-Oh, right (kneels), so last year, you added Jeremiah Masoli late in the summer. Do you think, looking back, that hurt your team chemistry?
"THAT WAS THE SCHOOL UP NORTH."
-What?
"The School Up North."
-I don't...I'm not sure I follow. You are from the Mississippi school, right?
"UGH. NEVERMIND."
/faxes resume again to Ohio State, Penn State, and Georgia
Kentucky
-Coach, name five players on your team so we'll know five players on your team.
-Something something something Rich Brooks something something something.
-How great is Coach Cal? I mean, wow, what a sharp guy.
-(silence)
-Something something something paying players something something something.
Georgia
-Will you have any scholarship running backs left by the time the season starts?
-Will you help increase the fun had at Georgia tailgating parties to further distract the fans from a potential eight-win season?
-Have you considered picking up the guitar and becoming the South's version of Rick Neuheisel?
-Stephen Garcia: Friend or foe?
-Something something something paying players something something something.
Auburn
-Seriously, was Cam Newton paid or not?
-Coach, if you had to, and were really, really angry, could you bench press 800 pounds? I've got $50 that says you could.
-Oh, now you're angry?
-Listen to your friend, Andy Kennedy, he's a cool dude.
-Something something something paying players something something something. Oh wait, but not the way you probably did. Or did.
Tennessee
-Coach, can you trust this?
/falls into 1,000-yard stare for entire allotted time
Alabama
-Coach, can you trust this?
/engages in slackjaw stare
/gathers himself
/consumes first two rows with a fireball from his mouth
Vanderbilt
-Will there be talk of turkey insemination this year?
-Oh, forgot to ask, can you name five players so we'll know five players on your team?
-Will your offense be as bland, less bland, or more bland than your offense at Maryland?
-Actually, all three of those could be an improvement over the 2010 version of Vanderbilt's offense.
-Something something somet- oh nevermind.
Ole Miss
-A reminder please: Why is Tyrone Nix still employed?
-Is Dave Rader still in coaching?
-You do realize that Ed Orgeron's worst defense was not as bad as last year's defense, right?
-Tell the truth, does Enrique Davis have pictures of you removing the brakes of hundreds of wheelchairs?
-Something something something paying players something something something.
LSU
-One, two, or three end-of-game clock butcherings this season?
-One, two, or three fall-ass-backwards-into-a-win out of those butcherings?
-So, if I understand everything correctly, Jarrett Lee is Plan B?
-Rye, Bermuda, St. Augustine, or Zoysia?
-Something something something Will Lyles (YOU'RE SO BUSTED) something something something.
gray you do realize that houston nutt has been calling the plays for ole miss the past two years right?
ReplyDeleteAnd he's going to be calling them again this year, despite whatever he says. The Rader comment was intended to point out what a worthless hire that was.
ReplyDelete