Texas A&M Just Now Getting Around to Realizing How Badly They Are Screwed

I've never been to College Station. Even though I now live less than two hours away, I've never had the desire to see the state of Texas' version of an agricultural school. I assume everything is made of materials that cost one dollar more or one dollar less than the buildings at UT-Austin, depending on which school was in the mood to win the insignificant pissing contest of that day.

I'm sure it's a fine place, filled with many fine people. However, unlike the rest of the country, they fall within the area of those most likely to subscribe to the upcoming Longhorn Network, the all-University of Texas channel from ESPN, and have been subjected to constant reminders of its debut for several months now. If you haven't seen the commercial for the network, here it is and your brain would be correct if it just said to you, "Man, I hope they use McConaughey for the voice-over."



So, it's a little surprising they're just now getting around to learning more about the Longhorn Network, and doing so behind closed doors, presumably to hide very important and powerful people's "Oh shit" faces from public viewing.  Specifically, they're going to address the airing Big 12 (I HATE YOUR NAME SO MUCH) games on the network, and, most importantly, the possibility of showing high school football games with Texas branding all over that channel.  Of course, under the Big 12 (HONESTLY) TV agreement with Fox Sports, each school is free to start its own network, but the Aggie Network certainly would not carry as much recognition and power, or command of cash money, like that of the Longhorn Network.

Texas A&M already falls behind Texas in most pecking orders, and with the unleashing of the Longhorn Network, that distance is going to grow.  What the regents of Texas A&M should have learned by now, especially during the Big 12's bend-over-backwards efforts to keep Texas in the conference last summer, or at least realize during this meeting, is that unless Texas A&M gets away from Texas, there is no Texas A&M.  There's just the other school in Texas (No, no.  Not TCU.  The other one after that.).

Gene Chizik Should Sit the Next Couple of Plays Out

Last week, if you were paying attention, and with Women's World Cup fever sweeping the country, or about two to three percent of the population (and let's call it like it happened, they CHOKED HORRIBLY), it may have been difficult to do so, the New York Times published an article that detailed an exchange between the NCAA's vice president for enforcement and Gene Chizik at the SEC's spring meetings in Destin.  Amazingly, this incident stayed out of public light for almost two months, which seems impossible given the words used and the number of people who witnessed it (as well as coaches' natural inclination to run their mouths when they can go off the record).

To help those of you who have fallen behind catch up to this week, I submit this child-like recap of what went down.


Julie Roe Lach: "Buzzword buzzword buzzword, next slide, buzzword buzzword, SUCH NEAT FEATURES ON POWERPOINT, buzzword buzzword buzzword, Ohio State, buzzword buzzword, North Carolina, buzzword buzzword, USC, buzzword buzzword buzzword, monitor your program carefully. Any questions?"


Gene Chizik: "Yes, I've got one."


Lach: "Yes, the gentlemen from Auburn with the sharpened chin."


Chizik: "I'm tired of you investigating my program.  When will this end?  We've done nothing wrong."


Lach: "Well, Coach, as we've informed you, and you should know from all of our investigations ever, these things take time, often years. We will-"


Chizik: "I'm tired of it and don't like.  Not one bit.  I want it to stop."

/stomps foot
/extends chin


Lach: "Coach, I'm not going to get into specifics, but, as I said, we are very thorough, which takes time. You'll-"


Chizik: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  I CAN'T HEAR YOU!  LALALALALALALA!  I WANT TO KNOW WHEN THIS IS GOING TO BE OVER."


Lach: "You’ll know when we’re finished. And we’re not finished.”

SEC Media Days Pre-Game

One week from yesterday, coaches, a select group of players, reporters, and hundreds of Alabama fans with nothing better to do that catch a 15-second glimpse of Nick Saban walking through the lobby, will descend on the home of John Parker and Ross Wilson, Max Lerner, and Alex Binder, all of Two-A-Days fame, to discuss the upcoming season, which will still be over 40 days away.  Though always out of control, we all need SEC Media Days like Houston Nutt needs 37 signees and transfer quarterbacks.

The end of July is an especially dry time in the field of entertainment, both sporting and movies/TV (unless Cowboys and Aliens is the piece of over-the-top excellence I think it will be), so we need something to distract us from the cries of, "I know the Yankees have an offense, BUT DO THEY NEED ANOTHER ARM?  And how will the Red Sox counter that?  Also, all the other teams, we'll just refer to all of them as the Padres, might do something too."

With Media Days in mind, let us prepare our minds for those wonderfully non-informative three days by addressing the pressing questions that need to be asked and answered.

In order of appearance:

Arkansas
-So, Coach, Tyler Wilson, what's that gonna be like?
-How have you celebrated becoming the only SEC to ever benefit by a vacated Ohio State victory?
-Knile Davis was clearly the best player on your team by the end of the year.  How do you plan to take carries away from him with a relatively untested quarterback just because you can?
-Willie Robinson.  Did you know his last name was Robinson?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

Florida
-Use "Boom" as both an adverb and infinitive.
-Will John Brantley complete a pass longer than 10 yards this season?
-Will the first four games of the year not involve the center snapping the ball on the ground every third snap?
-Does Charlie Weis' sweat smell like pork, mozzarella sticks, or old fish?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

South Carolina
-Stephen Garcia.  Go.
-Is it possible you miss Chris Smelley?
-Blake Mitchell?
-Would you consider taking Tyrone Nix back?

/Gray is dragged out of the room and beaten by Hoover police

-Something something something paying players something something something.

Mississippi State

"I WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE. I WON NINE GAMES WITH CHRIS RELF PLAYING QUARTERBACK. I WENT 1-4 IN MY DIVISION. I BEAT FLORIDA AND GEORGIA BY SCORING 34 TOTAL POINTS. KNEEL WHEN YOU APPROACH ME."

-Uh, Coach...


"KNEEL."

-Oh, right (kneels), so last year, you added Jeremiah Masoli late in the summer. Do you think, looking back, that hurt your team chemistry?


"THAT WAS THE SCHOOL UP NORTH."

-What?


"The School Up North."

-I don't...I'm not sure I follow. You are from the Mississippi school, right?


"UGH. NEVERMIND."

/faxes resume again to Ohio State, Penn State, and Georgia

Kentucky
-Coach, name five players on your team so we'll know five players on your team.
-Something something something Rich Brooks something something something.
-How great is Coach Cal? I mean, wow, what a sharp guy.
-(silence)
-Something something something paying players something something something.

Georgia
-Will you have any scholarship running backs left by the time the season starts?
-Will you help increase the fun had at Georgia tailgating parties to further distract the fans from a potential eight-win season?
-Have you considered picking up the guitar and becoming the South's version of Rick Neuheisel?
-Stephen Garcia: Friend or foe?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

Auburn
-Seriously, was Cam Newton paid or not?
-Coach, if you had to, and were really, really angry, could you bench press 800 pounds? I've got $50 that says you could.
-Oh, now you're angry?
-Listen to your friend, Andy Kennedy, he's a cool dude.
-Something something something paying players something something something. Oh wait, but not the way you probably did. Or did.

Tennessee
-Coach, can you trust this?




/falls into 1,000-yard stare for entire allotted time

Alabama
-Coach, can you trust this?




/engages in slackjaw stare
/gathers himself
/consumes first two rows with a fireball from his mouth

Vanderbilt
-Will there be talk of turkey insemination this year?
-Oh, forgot to ask, can you name five players so we'll know five players on your team?
-Will your offense be as bland, less bland, or more bland than your offense at Maryland?
-Actually, all three of those could be an improvement over the 2010 version of Vanderbilt's offense.
-Something something somet- oh nevermind.


Ole Miss
-A reminder please:  Why is Tyrone Nix still employed?
-Is Dave Rader still in coaching?
-You do realize that Ed Orgeron's worst defense was not as bad as last year's defense, right?
-Tell the truth, does Enrique Davis have pictures of you removing the brakes of hundreds of wheelchairs?
-Something something something paying players something something something.

LSU
-One, two, or three end-of-game clock butcherings this season?
-One, two, or three fall-ass-backwards-into-a-win out of those butcherings?
-So, if I understand everything correctly, Jarrett Lee is Plan B?
-Rye, Bermuda, St. Augustine, or Zoysia?
-Something something something Will Lyles (YOU'RE SO BUSTED) something something something.

The Mike Leach Book Excerpt Only Intensifies My Man-Crush On Him

On Monday, West Virginia linebacker Branko Busick was arrested for an armed robbery that took place at a Morgantown apartment complex, which, while offering fewer security cameras than a gas station or liquor store, does not offer as much cash as a gas station or liquor store, all of which was brought to light when the victim of the crime told police that Busick, allegedly, began hitting him with a gun after he told Busick he had no money (should have asked for a couch to burn; those are always plentiful in Morgantown).  And today, Busick was officially kicked off the team by head coach Dana Holgorsen.

Interestingly, Busick is the son of former WWF heel, Big Bully Busick, who stomped around in the squared circle in the early '90s.

Though I was a wrestling fan, I have no recollection of him. Partly because I spent some time in the WCW world, but mostly because my brain has decided to forget things like this and remember things like the chorus to the audio atrocity that was whatever the song was that made Nickelback famous (DAMN YOU, BRAIN. REMEMBER WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER.)

However, young Branko is not the only college football player (I won't say ex-player because you know Terry Bowden already has him on a plane to North Alabama) to have a heel for a father. Yes, there is one more heel out there, but this one is not a character heel. This one is the Heel of College Football and the Heel of Life:

Craig James, father of Texas Tech's Adam James.  His tactics in and out of the ring, but mostly out of the ring, as recalled by Mike Leach in this book excerpt, would have made back-in-the-day wrestling very proud.

It's Amazing What A Little Production Value and Talent Can Do

As much as I curse those in charge of Ole Miss (and, as a result, the day I became an Ole Miss fan as a young child) for over 30 consecutive years of making sure the right backs were scratched and half-assing their way through everything else, I must acknowledge those few, so very few moments when they do something well.  From the Ole Miss Media people:


"Preparation" - Ole Miss Football Spot from UM Media Documentary Projects on Vimeo.

I realize I'm getting way too excited about a commercial to drum up ticket sales for a team that is going 4-8 this year, but, as I've said many times before in this space, I've been given so little competency from Ole Miss officials/administrators over the years, it's almost overwhelming when something like this turns out right.  The last time I remember an Ole Miss commercial not being horrible was when Morgan Freeman was providing poetic voice-over to sweeping shots of the Grove and campus in the summer and fall, which is almost impossible to screw up (and of course we did by not keeping that same line of commercials cranking out from now until the end of time).

Who knows, this, along with the in-writing changes to be made to the stadium/game day experience, could be the first step in a widespread commitment to non-half-assery.  The TV version will be cut down to :30 and :60 spots (unless the WB has slots for 1:37 commercials, which they might, given their programming), which should make it the perfect length (97 seconds?  UGH.  I HAVE THINGS TO DO.).  Hopefully, the efforts to use quality production value and people who know what they're doing will continue, but a lifetime of bitter disappointment tells me that the first question to be raised about this by those who get the bill will be, "Is there any way we can do this chea...less expensively?"

And so, I know-

"YOU KNOW WHAT I KNOW?"

Coach Mullen, wow, do you always travel with dry ice?

"I CAN SPIN A FOOTBALL LONGER THAN THAT."