Cookin' in the SEC

Consumed every article written about your team, your conference, your rivals, teams you don’t care about and teams that you inexplicably hate? Check. Rearranged your schedule so that nothing important happens on a Saturday for a four-month period? Check. Informed people who are dumb enough to get married on a football Saturday that you will not be at the wedding, but you did put some thought into their wedding gift? Check. Started going to bed earlier to rest your body and mind for the physical and emotional demands of the 2009 college football season? Check.

These are just some of the basic preseason preparations fans across the country, especially in the South, are making as we get closer and closer to the start of college football (I mention the South because we’re the only group that stops giving a shit about baseball in mid-to-late July. Other places actually still care which teams are in the running for the AL Wildcard). We’re just under a month away from opening kickoff and as we get closer to that date, the preparation will increase and become more specific to individual games. Like, in what increment of time before the first game will your arrival on campus be measured. Hours or days? Or will you wait until the week of the game to start hating your first opponent or get started now?

And of course, the week of each game, mainly home games, getting the tailgating (or Grove as we at Ole Miss call it, and yes, I hoped that read as pretentious as I wanted it to) spread together is a massive undertaking. Food, drinks, logistics can all turn into nightmares. Thankfully for all of us, the coaches of the SEC have gone out of their way to make our burdens a little lighter, at least as it relates to food. Earlier this summer, they all agreed to submit their favorite tailgating (Grove) recipes. With these handy recipes, fans now have one less dish to worry about and the easy preparation will save even more time.

From Cookin’ in the SEC: My Casserole Has Its Own Indoor Facility
In Alphabetical Order by coach
(Note: Lane Kiffin would have submitted a recipe, but his dad would not let him anywhere near a hot stove. In his place, Ed Orgeron has submitted one of his favorites.)

Three, Four and Five-Letter Hodge-Podge Soup by Kentucky Coach Rich Brooks
1 cup f--- you
1 cup you stupid sack of shit
1 cup your ass is grass
1 cup you son of a bitch, what the hell is wrong with you?
1 cup damn

Heat on stove for 60 minutes on highest possible temperature setting, stir angrily every 10 minutes, allow no time for cooling and throw it those waiting to be served. Serves 85 males, ages 18-22.

Little Brother Lemonade by Auburn coach Gene Chizik
1 pitcher water
6 lemons
1 cup sugar
1 constant, repeating thought that one day, you will be as good as Alabama

Squeeze lemons (find someone who has had success with more than 5), mix with water and sugar and stir. Serves the 189 Auburn fans that thought Jay Jacobs made a good hire.

Square, White Toast by Vanderbilt coach Bobby Johnson
1 loaf of plain, white bread (preferably generic brand)

Use a knife to cut off the crust, forming a perfect square. Measure with protractor to ensure an accurate angle of 90 degrees. Place in toaster until light brown. Serve with no sugars, spices, butters, jams, jellies or any foreign substance. Water is recommended as a beverage compliment.

Fastest, Most Genius Recipe Ever Conceived By Man by Florida coach Urban Meyer

Only I know the ingredients and only I can understand them. You non-geniuses could never understand the genius behind wanting the fastest recipe in America. You will be reminded of this each time you watch a Florida game on TV. Also, Tim Tebow is awesome.

Last Second, Impulsive Raccoon and Possum Boudin by LSU coach Les Miles
1 raccoon and 1 possum (Both should be easy to find among Saturday LSU tailgaters)
2 misused timeouts
18 reckless fourth down attempts
1 season’s hopes pinned on a Harvard quarterback transfer
1 stovepipe hat

Place all ingredients in stovepipe hat. Stir haphazardly and without purpose. Heat in microwave for 27:32. Or maybe 68:31. Just pick a time. It will work out. YYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Serves the blindly loyal for about five seasons.

Retread Bean Dip by Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen
1 handful of has-been and never-were assistant coaches who spent 2008 outside of D-I football
1 former Ed Orgeron staffer
1 Bagman
1 D-II head coach who was a minor candidate for your job
1 never-ending dash of the phrase “the school up north”

Pour all ingredients into several pots spread around the kitchen. Heat at a medium temperature for three years. Keep telling everyone how exciting this is going to be. When the three years are up, call Urban to see if he needs any help with his recipe.

Fire and Brimstone Fried Chicken by Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt
1 whole chicken
1 multitude of quick, snappy sentences
1 visit to “Eye-rack” for perspective and motivational purposes to be used later
1 gimmicky phrase repeated to players over and over again
Pinch of good ol’ boy charm and grin
1 plexiglas podium
1 Good Book
1 motivational speech

Season the chicken with all other ingredients. While chicken is deep fried and super-heated at 900 degrees, begin pointing in all directions at random. Appear completely out-of-control while actually maintaining control. Hug everyone in the room and tell them that you love them when chicken is ready to serve.

Alligator Red Bull Gumbo by Ed Orgeron
1 freshly wrestled-to-death Louisiana alligator
76 four-packs of Red Bull
8 bags of pork rinds
3 head butts
2 cups of COMPETIN’
1 recruiting national title
1 copy of Meat Market
1 copy of The Blind Side
4 shirts
1 Hummer H2

Get up at 4:30 AM and place all ingredients in the biggest pot available. Heat until boiling hot. Stir while screaming “Wild Boys” and without a shirt. Verbally abuse everyone in the area, especially those who won’t try the gumbo. Serves people who don’t understand how bad of a coach you really are.
(Note: This recipe is banned in Mississippi.)

Suckers by Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino
1 case of Dum-Dum suckers
1 contract with escape clause

Hand out suckers, count your money and wait for another truckload from somewhere else to park in front of your house. Serves at least three fan bases.

Birthright Stew by Alabama coach Nick Saban
28 million cubic yards of houndstooth fabric
1 skeleton
1 lock of Snake Stabler’s hair
1 collective air of superiority
12 national titles
21 SEC titles

Before cooking, remove NCAA probation, ineligible players, cash payments, new cars, and grade changes from national and SEC titles and the past 112 years of football (Note: This may take an entire week.). Mix all ingredients into Bear Bryant’s open grave (Note: You’ll find plenty of help in digging up his grave). Let simmer and season with tank tops, Walmart Tide trucker hats, back tattoos depicting Bear Bryant leaning against a goalpost…



…and some Cowboy…



Stir until thoroughly mixed. Serves 2.5 million rednecks.

Golf Times by South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier

Spurrier’s director of football operations did not send in an actual recipe. Instead, he sent Spurrier’s golf schedule for the last two months. Spurrier has already apologize for the mishap and assures us that when he makes the turn at Augusta, he’ll email one right away.

Angel Food Cake by Georgia coach Mark Richt
64 ounces of Aw-shucks
1 team end zone dance, but done in a respectful manner
1 cup of humbleness after the annual loss to Florida
1 blackout, but a friendly blackout

Before baking, add a dash of “Our kids are great kids” for extra sweetness. Bake for 45 minutes, let cool and present to Urban Meyer in hopes that he doesn’t hang 60 on your team this year.

Twitter Friday

I'm still working on a little something special (don't worry, I don't think it will approach the 2500 words I used in the most mediocre SEC coach post), but haven't quite finished. So, in order not to disappoint, I'll be updating the Belly of the Beast Twitter page all day today. And yes, it will be as exciting as you are currently imagining it to be (and yes, this is a cop-out). My goal is to update at least once an hour, sometimes twice if I tap into my inner overachiever, assuming he hasn't been murdered by inner slacker. I haven't met him in about, oh, ever, so I'm not really sure I'd know what he looks like if he shows up.

Regardless, we're off to an early start on the Twitter page. I just found out Ole Miss has been ranked tenth in the USA Today poll that came out this morning. I immediately got dizzy and nauseous and had to lie down on the floor at work. And so the hype and pressure truly begins. Dammit.

You can check the Belly of the Beast out on Twitter here. Only seven and a half hours to the weekend.

Yet Another Way for Me to Leave Duties Unfulfilled

When I was introduced to Twitter, I was immediately outraged. On the surface, it appeared to a version of Facebook stripped down to just status updates, which for the most part I loathe. Hey, your kids are hungry? You're tired? You just had a great day? You know who cares about that? NOT A DAMN PERSON ALIVE. If you're going to have a status, make it interesting. Like, "Gray is going out to beat up some hippies." Or "Gray is going to scissor kick the face of the next person on Facebook who announces to the free world that they're tired and going to bed." Who wouldn't enjoy reading a news feed filled with those bits of goodness?

So I assumed Twitter was going to be nothing but people telling the world (and by the way, if something is on the Internet, EVERYONE CAN READ IT. Try to keep this in mind.) what was for supper or what movie they were about to watch. I would rather choke on my own vomit than read crap like that. But, as weeks have gone by, I have finally come to realize that Twitter can be quite enjoyable to read, especially if you're reading or "following" entertaining people. It's a great way to pick up some links to good stories, get instant updates on your favorite team or, in the case of Shaquille O'Neal, find out that he just saw a plane crash at the Santa Monica Airport. Good times. Well, maybe not for the guy who just crashed the plane, but you know what I mean.

Now it almost pains me to do it, but I have started a Twitter account for the Belly of the Beast. You can find it here or on in the links section to the right. I know it sounds absurd to commit to something like this when I can barely crank out two posts a week around here. And it's probably even more absurd for me to think people give a damn about what random, quick thoughts are rattling around in my head, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I can promise you that you'll never read anything about me, like I'm about to go for a jog. That will never happen. Ever. One, because I don't jog, and two, as I said before, NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT THAT. What you will find are links to new posts on here, other links I find interesting, the previously mentioned quick thoughts I might have and links to other Twitter pages of people who are much funnier and more entertaining than I.

Check it out daily because initially I will attempt to update several times throughout the course of the day, but those good intentions probably won't last long. Which means that by Friday, I won't even remember that I have a Twitter page.

Back here on Friday with an update.

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Earlier this summer, I introduced the “What Didn’t Happen Over the Weekend” idea, which I claimed would become a regular feature here. And, like any idea I claim that will become a regular feature, it appeared only once. But thanks to yet another painfully slow weekend, it’s back for a second appearance. I’ll make no promises for a third showing because it’s a miracle I even remembered I did this in the first place.

No Florida Gators or Mississippi State Bulldogs were arrested. Although I’m sure they tried, all managed to avoid the clink Friday through Sunday. Four of Mullen’s players have been arrested since he took over in December and Urban Meyer averages about five arrests a year (24 since 2005). In a related story, Jamar Hornsby has been arrested as a member of both the Florida and Ole Miss football teams. And after his dismissal from the Ole Miss team on Friday, he’ll most likely be given a chance to be arrested while on a third team. Quite impressive.

Stephen Garcia did not find himself arrested for mayhem. In one of my favorite running jokes, Garcia did not do anything that embarrassed himself, his family, the football team, the university or the Columbia community. Although it should be noted, Arkansas’ Ryan Mallett could be the one quarterback in the SEC that will challenge Garcia for supremacy in the Biggest Menace to Society: Quarterbacks' Edition category.

Houston Nutt did not hand out another football scholarship. After kicking Jamar Hornsby off the team on Friday, Nutt was tempted because 38 is such a “nice, beautiful even number”, but the loss of Hornsby meant that Ole Miss would be closer to the magic number of 25 for incoming players so he was forced to hold back.

Steve Spurrier did not pass off his coaching duties. Instead of letting his director of football operations run the show for 72 hours, he elected to do whatever it is he does while getting ready for the season. The director of football operations did however go pick up lunch for everyone on Friday.

Gene Chizik was not fired and is still employed by Auburn University. Iowa State fans are still burning couches and flipping over mid-sized Japanese cars as they continue to celebrate their good fortune.

Kentucky fans did not think about football. Instead, they began tracing the Italian bloodline of John Calipari back to the old country to compare it with that of Rick Pitino. Once they discovered Calipari's Italian ancestors were much more prominent in Italian society than Pitino’s, they raised a banner in Rupp Arena where 12,000 of them had gathered to watch the basketball graduate assistants play some friends in a four-on-four game.

Nick Saban did not have various members of the media kidnapped and sold to Shining Path members in Peru. But he wanted to. Maybe next weekend.

Checking for an End of the Week Pulse

Now that it's been a week since I last posted here, and even though I have no original ideas or anything remotely interesting has happened in that time, I suppose I should put something up for the few of you that have grown furious over looking at that same black and white picture that's been up for a week. So, I will revive the old gimmick post I once did every Wednesday where I take a screen shot of ESPN.com's top stories and basically point out what crappy stories make the top stories list in a world without football. And at the end, I determine if there is any sort of pulse in the world of sports.



Report: Manny, Ortiz on '03 list.
Well, well, well. A tip of the hat to you, Jose Canseco. After everyone wrote you off as a money-seeking whore, it turns out that you were right. I just hope this makes my Jose Canseco Donruss 40/40 Club baseball card that's in a box somewhere at my parent's house go up in value.

And it will also be thoroughly enjoyable to watch Red Sox fans realize that their franchise and its players do not, in fact, poop rainbows and are just like every other team in every sport.

Source: Odom, Lakers agree.
Apparently, there was a problem with Odom's request to be paid in Gummy Bears. Finding 12 metric tons of those is harder than you think.

BoSox working on deal with Indians for Martinez.
Once they find a reputable HGH dealer in Boston, which should be pretty easy, this one is done.

Arroyo not surprised in list of 104 includes him.
That makes three! Only 22 away from our first all-steroids team.

Washington at Jets camp.
A big, fat screw you from me to Leon Washington for cheating me out of some valuable fantasy football points last season. Thomas Jones does all the dirty work and then you steal all the glory in the redzone. I hate you.

At worlds, rival mocks Phelps on swimsuit issue.
Is this the Olympics? No? Okay then, no one cares. It's swimming.

Dodgers land Sherrill from Orioles.
Just over a month until football gets started again. But good luck to the Dodgers with Sherrill now on the team.

Raiders, No. 1 pick reach deal.
Congratulations, Darrius Heyward-Bay. You're career is over before it starts. Partially because you now play for the Raiders, but your quarterback will come from this group: Jeff Garcia, Bruce Gradkowski, JaMarcus Russell, Danny Southwick (that has to be a made-up name), Marques Tuiasosopo, Kenny Stabler (okay, I made that one up) and Andrew Walter.

In progress: Tiger makes furious surge at Buick.
Can a golfer really have a furious surge on a Friday? To me, a furious surge should be reserved for a Saturday, possibly a Sunday. I can see the headline "Furious surge by Tiger to get into contention for Sunday." Or, "Furious surge by Tiger falls short in final round of Buick." Today should get the "Tiger making noise on day two of Buick" treatment.

MLB Rumors: Up to the second trade chatter.
Shell out $3.33 a month to get the latest on trades that won't happen or that we get horribly wrong!

PULSE: Thanks to a recent injection of cow muscle builder, we're stronger than ever!