From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

Arkansas 31, Vanderbilt 28
If you're a Vanderbilt fan, you know how your season is gonna go. Of your eight conference games, you will get blown out in two or three, beat Ole Miss, and have four games you could or should win, but lose, and often in a horrible fashion like Saturday. After Arkansas ran the Zac Stacy fumble back 94 yards for a touchdown, turning what would have been a 35-20 game into a 28-28 game, any good Vanderbilt fan had to know it was over.

James Franklin has certainly turned Vandy into a much more competent group, but without a group of 25-30 solid SEC players (I think they're around 15-20), they're going to find ways to lose games like this. And let's also pull the emergency break on all this James Franklin coach of year talk. He's 1-4 in the league, with his lone victory coming against Ole Miss.  I think you'll find that Bobby Johnson produced similar results.

Georgia 24, Florida 20
In the process of trying to recruit the fastest team in America (WHICH IS THE MOST GENIUS IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD HOW DID NO ONE ELSE CONSIDER THIS), Urban Meyer forgot to recruit guys who can block, get open on pass routes, run between the tackles, and play quarterback. Quite a problem if you have to play offense, which, based on the rules of football, can be helpful to your efforts to win a game.

John Brantley is a quarterback with a ceiling of average (whatever they have behind him currently has a ceiling of war bunker). When you are limited at quarterback, (and he's further limited by wide receivers and pass protection), you best be able to generate some kind of a ground game or your offense becomes an offense that isn't really an offense, but a group that hopes the defense and special teams can give it a short field so they can run three plays and then let special teams kick a field goal.

And as bad as Florida's offense has been, on-field discipline has actually gotten worse than Florida's off-the-field discipline.  IMPOSSIBLE, you say?  In the last three games, the Gators have been flagged for 32 penalties and currently sit in last place in the conference in penalties with 75 in eight games (an average of just over nine a game; Auburn, who has played nine games, is the closest to Florida with 57 penalties).

For a guy who came from the Saban tree, which stresses discipline and error-free football while waiting for the other team to screw up, it's hard to believe something like this would characterize a Muschamp team.  But, thanks to his team's love of self-inflicted wounds, we get the privilege of seeing a grown man come a few blood pressure points away from having an Old Faithful-like geyser of blood shoot out of the top of his head.

Auburn 41, Ole Miss 23
Let's play a game. It's called guess which coaches know what the hell is going on and which ones don't. From Rick Cleveland's column on Sunday:

Both Ole Miss defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix and offensive coordinator David Lee said Auburn made no big changes.

And three paragraphs later, the Auburn version of events:

"At halftime, we made a lot of great adjustments, adjusting defensively to some of the run game that we needed to get under control that in the first half got away from us a little bit," Chizik said.

"Coach (Ted) Roof and the defensive staff did a really nice job with that," Chizik continued. "Offensively I felt like at that point we really kind of understood what their game plan was and really knew how to attack them in the second half both running and throwing the football."

If you guessed Ted Roof and company understand more about football than Ole Miss' bunch, congratulations, you are one of life's winners.

And, so now, the rest of you know what Ole Miss fans are dealing with this season. Coaches who can't recognize when the other team adjusts ("WHY ISN'T OUR STUFF WORKING ANYMORE? BETTER JUST STAY WITH WHAT WE WERE DOING. I'M SURE IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME."), then spend two quarters getting their asses handed to them.

Assuming no firings are done on the weekend, I'm treating November 28th like a national holiday. Probably take the day off, watch the press conference of Pete Boone and Houston Nutt being shown the door about 742 times, eat a disgustingly fattening lunch, take a four-hour nap, and say goodbye with some daytime fireworks.

Mississippi State 28, Kentucky 16
You know what, screw you, Mississippi State if you injured Morgan Newton enough that he can't keep competing for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. How dare you spoil our fun.

South Carolina 14, Tennessee 3
If there's any good news to be had here for Tennessee, it's that true freshman Justin Worley is already on the same plane as senior Matt Simms, so there's at least a chance for some advancement to another plane. But for now, he and Matt Simms are the same person.

And if you were paying attention, though odds are you didn't watching this game, South Carolina put together a 20-play, 98-yard drive that lasted 11 minutes and 35 seconds. After the resulting touchdown, Spurrier high-fived an assistant, then vomited in a bucket, wiped his mouth, and said, "NEVER AGAIN."


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Tyler Wilson, Arkansas
27-43, 316 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Wilson, per standard procedure this season, got the hell beat out of him, yet stayed alive and made some throws no other quarterback in the conference could make when they needed to be made.


ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Justin Worley, Tennessee
10-26, 105 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Not his fault he had to play when he wasn't ready, but the Eric Oliver of the Week award does not take into account sympathy.


JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Mark Richt
After some "find a way to lose" performances against Florida, Richt held everything together after going down 17-3 and came back to beat a team he should beat. How he prevented a complete collapse, we'll never know. But, if you really want to know, it's that he was playing Florida.


2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
1. Aaron Murray 9
3. Morgan Newton 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
4. Chris Relf 6
7. Larry Smith 5
7. Jordan Rodgers 5
9. Randall Mackey 4
10. Tyler Wilson 3
10. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Matt Simms 3
10. A.J. McCarron 3
10. Connor Shaw 3


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-1
Season: 37-26-1 (.586)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 3-2
Season: 46-19 (.708)


Mr. Blue
Week: 5-0
Season: 38-27 (.585)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 3-2
Season: 54-11 (.831)


Chris Low
Week: 5-0
Season: 55-10 (.846)


KING OF THE RING
Gray 44-7
Venkman 37-14
Poe 40-11


WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Ole Miss at Kentucky
The Anti-Game of the Century. Do you like two pieces of notebook paper colliding? Do you like watching everything go wrong all of the time? Do you hate your life? If so to all three, this game will bring rest and refreshment to your soul.

LSU at Alabama
Essentially, if you care about college football at all and don't watch this, you hate yourself, your life, and everything that is good and decent in this world. Arkansas and South Carolina fans have somewhat of an excuse, as their game, scheduled 45 minutes before this game, is kind of a big deal to each school. But everyone else? Your team stinks and so does the team they're playing.

Texas Pete Week Nine Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "The guy is seemingly unflappable now. When I used to run across quarterbacks like him, I'd show one down lineman and 10 defensive backs arranged in the shape of a diamond."

2. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "You can't win anymore than Les has this year! He won ALL of the games, which is all that there have been!"

3. Nick Saban
Dave Rowe: "And Nick too! Hahaha! Oh, boy! What a pair of coaches!"

4. A.J. McCarron
Replay official: "Upon further inspection, the sternum tattoo remains as one of the worst ideas ever."

5. James Franklin
Dave Rowe: "Coach Franklin has got Vanderbilt fired up! Those fans are going to pack the stadium out on Saturday!"

6. Willie Robinson
Joe Lee Dunn: "Anyone can have a bad start, but it's not usually caused by Houston Nutt and David Lee."

7. Dennis Johnson
Dave Rowe: "Dennis, man, he looks like a little bowling ball running around out there! But a bowling ball with running ability!"

8. Zac Stacy
Dave Rowe: "You can just feel his grit and toughness!"

9. Joker Phillips
Joe Lee Dunn: "Wait, what happened to Hal?  Is he alright?"

10. Morgan Newton
Replay official: "Because we felt like something was wrong, we've gone back and credited seven more interceptions to Morgan. We just want to get all the calls right."


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 33-25-1 (.568)

Arkansas (-9.5) at Vanderbilt
The Commodores flexed their covering muscle last weekend by running through and around Army, bringing their record against the spread to 5-2. If you can say one thing about the James Franklin era, it's that he's made gamblers reassess their standard pick against Vanderbilt. Unfortunately for Franklin and company (he really needs to hire an offensive coordinator with the last name of Bash so I can make reference's to TNT's Franklin & Bash, starring Zack Morris, and of which I saw all the episodes), Vanderbilt is an Ole Miss-like 2-8 against the spread in their last 10 conference games.

Also working against them is an Arkansas team that spent all week talking about getting its ass in gear in the first half. Yesterday, I mentioned that, due to the JP-ness of this game and Vandy's involvement, it probably wasn't going to happen. But, luckily for Arkansas, there are two additional quarters, and two quarters in which they show how good they can be. Arkansas to cover.

Georgia (-3) at Florida (Jacksonville)
Since 1990, Georgia has only beaten Florida THREE times. For a futility comparison, Ole Miss has beaten Alabama that same number of times since then. And who says Mark Richt can't beat teams of equal or greater value? Actually, I think everyone says that. If you don't, you deserve a flying scissor kick to the throat.

Though it goes against every fiber of my being to pick Georgia, I've seen nothing out of Florida that indicates they can score enough points to even score points. Yes, this whole thing reeks of Georgia bed-shitting and Todd Grantham dumbassery, but Georgia, while maddeningly inconsistent and with a lack of identity or direction on offense, has the ability to slap together a few scoring drives to ensure a cover. While I am stating my regret, Georgia to cover.

Ole Miss at Auburn (-12)
Everyone seems to think Ole Miss is going to keep this one close, with a few lost souls proclaiming Ole Miss could actually win this game. I could also win the lottery (AND NEVER WRITE HERE AGAIN), but I know that only those 60 and up win the lottery because they buy lottery tickets on their nine weekly trips to the bank.

Yes, it is true Auburn's offense is struggling and quarterbacked by Clint Moseley, but if I recall correctly, they still operate as a run-heavy offense with gallons upon gallons of read-option and misdirection plays. Have you ever seen Ole Miss successfully defend one of these plays? The answer is NO YOU HAVE NOT. Additionally, the Rebels ranked last in the conference in rushing defense, giving up 222.9 yards a game (for a futility comparison, Alabama, who has played one more game than Ole Miss, has given up 359 total rushing yards and Ole Miss check in at 1,560, a difference of 1,201 yards).

Typically, when a bad Ole Miss team shows signs of improvement, the coming week's opponent is not playing well, and the Rebels have to go on the road, disaster ensues. Like three or four score-loss disaster. I've seen it happen too many times, usually in person, and a shalln't be falling into that trap of optimism again. Auburn to cover.

Mississippi State (-10) at Kentucky
I'm not sure if this game or the Vanderbilt/Kentucky game will be the second-most unwatchable game of the season. But, either way, Kentucky fans have to be delighted that they're team will be involved in all three of the most unwatchable games of the year. Quite a feat for the Joker Phillips era. Mississippi State to cover.

South Carolina (-3.5) at Tennessee
I know Matt Simms stinks (whoa, whoa, whoa, settle down there, Phil, I only want to fight you over your analysis on CBS, not over your bad quarterback son), but our sample of Simms this season has been against LSU, Alabama, and part of the Georgia game. Not exactly an ideal group from which to sample your quarterback.

So I'm not sure why Derek Dooley decided to burn Justin Worley's redshirt (especially when the Alabama game was over) after Simms only showed that he is not very good against the best two defenses in college football. Now, odds are Simms would be bad against South Carolina, but, given South Carolina's offensive problems, don't you trust your defense and hope Simms can do one or two good things and maybe escape with a win?

Tennessee needs three more wins to achieve bowl eligibility so Dooley can claim a positive Herm Edwards WE CAN BUILD ON THIS season. Looking at the rest of the schedule, the Vols go to Arkansas and play MTSU, Kentucky, and Vandy. No matter who their quarterback is, they're not winning in Fayetteville, but no matter who their quarterback is, they can beat those other three, which gets them to six wins. So why waste a year of a quarterback's eligibility when he's going to improve your situation by zero games? WHAT'S YOUR GAME HERE, DEREK DOOLEY?

South Carolina to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 43-17 (.717)

Arkansas
Georgia
Ole Miss
Mississippi State
Tennessee


Mr. Blue
Season: 33-27 (.550)

Arkansas
Georgia
Auburn
Mississippi State
South Carolina


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 51-9 (.850)

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
I would rather stab myself in the eye than watch another JP game in Nashville. (30-10 Arkansas)

Georgia at Florida
It is idiotic that Georgia continues to consent to playing this game in Jacksonville. Beyond a better chance of winning, home football games bring recruits and millions of dollars to your city and campus. I would think that a school that has only beaten its biggest rival a couple of time over the last 20 years would be looking for any competitive advantage it could get. For Georgia, however, the appeal of partying in a ratty navy town outweighs winning football games. That is why Georgia is just a big Ole Miss. (20-17 Fla)

Ole Miss at Auburn
I liked last week's improved Rebel effort. I also like that Clint Moseley is Auburn's quarterback. (21-20 Rebs)

Mississippi State at Kentucky
I'm sure that Dan Mullen will start blabbering again about winning the West after State gets its first SEC win against this awful Kentucky team. (27-14 State)

South Carolina at Tennessee
For some reason Mr. Orange Pants decided to bench Phil Simms' son and burn the redshirt of a true freshman quarterback well after the Alabama game had gotten out of hand. He subsequently announced that the true freshman would start this game. I'm no supporter of Phil Simms' son, but the decision to put him down for a true freshman seems like a drastic move considering his two starts were against two teams that have made everyone look like shit. On a personal level, I'm glad Orange Pants made the move because I hate Tennessee. (24-14 USC)


Chris Low
Season: 50-10 (.833)

Auburn
Arkansas
Mississippi State
South Carolina
Georgia


KING OF THE RING
WAC Edition

Gray 41-7
Venkman 36-12
Poe 37-11

San Jose State at Louisiana Tech
Gray: Louisiana Tech
Venkman: San Jose State
Poe: Louisiana Tech


Hawaii at Idaho
Gray: Hawaii
Venkman: Idaho
Poe: Hawaii

Nevada at New Mexico State
Gray: Nevada
Venkman: Nevada
Poe: Nevada

Game Watchability Ratings

With Alabama and LSU taking the week off to prepare for yet another game of the century (BRO, MICHIGAN/OHIO STATE 2006 WAS THE GAME OF THE CENTURY; HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST AFFLICTION T-SHIRT? HERE, LET ME TAKE OF MY STARTER JACKET AND SHOW YOU.), the SEC schedule this week is kind of, well, how do I say this without, oh, what the hell, it's full of pain and suffering. Despite this, we'll still watch because that's what something deep inside of us makes us do, even though we are rewarded with so little joy.

And, if you can't make it to a game, why would you even leave the house on a Saturday unless it's to acquire food and drink? I already leave the house the other six days, so if there's not a legitimate (read: life or death and even that's iffy) reason to leave, my ass is PLANTED in a chair or on the couch, watching games in which I hope everyone screws up.

However, if you're one of these people with additional responsibilities other than yourself, I would imagine your window for watching games is somewhat limited. To help you wade through this weekend's less-than-ideal slate of games, I've rated each game's watchability on a scale of one to five Les Miles Seal Claps.

A rating of five Les Miles Seal Claps indicates that a game will be highly entertaining/amusing based on gross incompetence and poor play that achieves laughable status (there's a very fine line between horrid poor play and laughable poor play, but you know it when you see it). A rating of one Les Miles Seal Clap means that a game will be uninteresting and cause you to be sad for everyone involved.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
Arkansas' quarterback Tyler Wilson vowed this week that he would get the offense off to a quick start in the first half of games for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, staring him in the face this week is an 11:21 Jefferson Pilot game. At Vanderbilt. I'm sure it's written in the SEC bylaws somewhere, but it's well understood that no such thing will be accomplished on this day. Throw in Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying a single, insightful thing, and UGH, this will be negative fun.
RATING:


Georgia at Florida (in Jacksonville)
Rumors of a John Brantley return, the chance Todd Grantham gets off his leash, meats out, and further embarrasses Georgia and Mark Richt, and the possibility one of these teams finds a brutal way to collapse and lose this game (*cough* GEORGIA), the potential for excellence in incompetence and failure is sky high. I've probably never been this excited about watching a terrible game.
RATING:


Ole Miss at Auburn
Auburn's offense is in the midst of its worst slump under the direction of Gus Malzahn. Lucky for them and unlucky for everyone else, the Ole Miss defense comes to town and will help restore the Tiger offense to a non-bumbling status. Watching Houston Nutt and David Lee wreck an offense once plays aren't scripted anymore is always a good time, and with Nutt, it's possible a fire could break out on the sideline at any time. By rule, all games in which Houston Nutt has a hand in the decision-making receive a minimum rating of three Les Miles Seal Clap, and can go up from there.
RATING:


Mississippi State at Kentucky
Since the Auburn game, State has scored 28 total points in conference play. Kentucky has scored 20 points in three conference games. But, you have to be excited about a Morgan Newton interception or five.
RATING:


South Carolina at Tennessee
I'm only watching for the Spurrier faces of exasperation, which, by rule, requires a minimum ranking of two Les Miles Seal Claps.
RATING:


(Edited for mistakes related to 14 seconds of proofreading)

Please Stand By

Work for which I receive compensation has decided that NO FUN IS TO BE HAD TODAY and has me, you know, actually doing my job during working hours.  Let this be a lesson to all of you college kids or those without jobs and with enormous amounts of free time, win the lottery because work ruins EVERYTHING.  Always.

Until I emerge from my death stare at my computer monitor and an endless number of requests to do stuff, enjoy the Derek Dooley Halloween costume*.


*Does not include mother who tells everyone within earshot that it is a great costume and deserves to be at many, many more Halloweens.

Abe Simpson Cuts to the Core of Expansion Results

I stated my position on all this conference expansion business early last month and still stand firmly in that corner, perhaps even angrier than before.  Angry that there is a such major distraction running through the best 15 or so weeks of the year, angry that I have to somewhat pay attention to expansion talk or be left clueless, and really angry that next June and July, a perfect time for such talk, is going to be horribly barren and boring because the issue is being addressed now.

Now, the grand reward, at least in the SEC, for three months of "we're so screwed if we don't start scooping up teams now," is that Texas A&M and Missouri (most likely, but seriously, hurry up and make your final decision, assholes) get a meal ticket into the SEC.  Texas A&M, whatever.  If the conference was going to take a team, it could have done better, but it wasn't a stretch phone call, and it may turn out to be a great decision.  I'm just not sure there's that much excitement over their addition.  Missouri, however, well, I'll let Abe Simpson say it best: