Gene Chizik Dance Party

Yesterday, the NCAA announced that it was ending its investigation of Auburn's recruitment of Cam Newton.  Citing that no one has been wronged enough by Auburn to start talking for purposes of revenge, the organization said no firm proof of payment for playing services was found, and they considered the matter closed, unless further evidence was provided.

You kinda have to admire Auburn's ability to pull this off.  They kept the circle tight, took care of those within the circle, paid in cash, and kept no physical records of anything.  All of that sounds easy, but you have to remember people are dumb (VERY dumb), become even dumber when money is involved, and everyone who thinks they're someone always wants to be in the know.  Auburn kept it all in check and didn't allow it to spiral out of control like it so easily can (for example, watch the ESPN documentary Pony Excess and see what happens when too many people know what's going on and want to be taken care of for their contribution to the program).

So, for now at least, Auburn is in the clear and Gene Chizik can finally stop shouting "THAT'S GARBAGE," and get down to what he and the fellas wanted to do all along:  JUST DANCE.


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Reactions to the End of the Stephen Garcia Era

Last May, when the return of Stephen Garcia from his fifth suspension was imminent, we sought the reactions of the coaches of the teams South Carolina would play in 2011.  Given Garcia's final departure from the South Carolina team, it's only fitting we ask the coaches whose teams will now play a Stephen Garcia-less Gamecock team for their thoughs, as well as get some reactions from around the SEC.

Dan Mullen

"I COACHED TWO FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICKS, ONE OF WHICH WAS THE TIM TEBOW. WHAT ABOUT YOURS, STEVE?"

Derek Dooley

"Please send help. Team now led by Matt Simms. Will not last long. Goodwill supply slowly dwindling."

Bobby Petrino

"It's a shame about that positive alcohol and marijuana test. Funny how just about anyone can get into those labs for the right price."

Will Muschamp

"I'M PRETTY SURE I HATED HIM ANYWAY. I TEND TO HATE EVERYTHING."

"BOOM!!!"

Kevin Higgins

"Seriously, guys, I can't stop staring at solar eclipses."

Dabo Swinney

"If you pump your arms really high while running, it feels like you're running at an incredible rate of speed. Also, DEATH VALLEY, BABY!!! WWWWHEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!"

Nick Saban

"Oh, hello there. What's that? Stephen Garcia? No, no. I never think of his 9 for 10, 3 TD first half against us last year. I've completely forgotten it. Yes, sir. Completely forgotten it."

/stares into his own soul
/secures commitments from 17 five-star recruits

Houston Nutt

"Stephen, buddy, you've got my number. We'll figure out the eligibility stuff. You know, waivers and things. We'll figure it out. Just give me a call. Here to help."

Les Miles

"Certainly, there is a piece that yearns for things to be as a whole part. We all learn parts that can be insufficiently sufficient and need greater correction as we move on. These are lessons we teach our young men and I hope they see to it that they, in turn, find places in their lives for what greatness teaches and commands of those who want to be a part of what is very special to those who care about us as individuals."

James Franklin

"Did you know we beat Ole Miss 30-7 this year? I know! You should look it up."

Gene Chizik

"3-0 against him. Deal with it."

Mark Richt

"Now, Aaron, don't you go out and get caught up in that kind of lifestyle. We love you just the way you are. And for the love of all things good and decent, do NOT get a scooter."

Joker Phillips

(sad trombone)

Steve Spurrier

Vaya Con Dios, Stephen Garcia

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And so it ends. Stephen Garcia is no longer confined to his cage of structure known as South Carolina football. He is free. And so is Steve Spurrier. All it took was five suspensions, a failed alcohol/drug test, and one Connor Shaw 300-yard, four-touchdown passing game.

So join me in honoring one of my favorite players to ever wear a college football uniform, and the greatest of all the South Carolina Gamecocks. Pick up a torch and whatever you want to break, and let's burn it all down.

Exploring the Space of Offensive Stink

Yesterady, Kentucky beat writer Kyle Tucker waded neck-deep into the abyss of suck that is Kentucky's offense to explore just how bad the Wildcats' offense has been this season. He looked at every play Kentucky has run so far and tried to determine how many of them were "bad" plays, which he defined as plays that gained zero yards, lost yards, or resulted in a turnover, or "good" plays, which gained yardage. Incredibly, 46.2% of the Wildcats' 377 offensive plays fall into one of those three categories.

Because I have deep, dark obsession with offensive incompetency, I decided to find out how my team fared in good play/bad play percentages. One slight change I made to his classifications of a bad play is that I added penalties, which not only lose yards, but ruin some of the few good plays a bad offense makes. I was not as detailed in my research as Tucker was, mainly because I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO, and just have plays listed as good or bad, not detailing no gain/loss/turnover/penalty.

Also, I have no doubt I screwed up the count by one or two, but what good non-scientific research doesn't. Additional also, I did not count the Southern Illinois game.

BYU
Good plays: 34
Bad plays: 26
Bad play %: 43.3%

Vanderbilt
Good plays: 35
Bad plays: 31 (seems WAY WAY WAY too low)
Bad play %: 46.9%

UGA
Good plays: 26
Bad plays: 30
Bad play %: 53.6%

Fresno State
Good plays: 39
Bad plays: 23
Bad play %: 37%

Season
Good plays: 134
Bad plays: 110
Bad play %: 45.1%

Look at that! Right behind Kentucky!

/drinks all the beers

If not for the Fresno State defense, our bad play % would be 47.8%, passing Kentucky for the lead. SHOULD HAVE SCHEDULED A WAC SCHOOL, KENTUCKY. And, because I had some time between the important things I do, I calculated that Alabama, Ole Miss' opponent this weekend, is causing teams to have bad plays 49.4% of the time. By the chaos math theories to which I subscribe, that means Ole Miss will have a bad play 94.5% of the time on Saturday.

/94.5% actually happens
/dubbed "genius of math"
/wins Fields Medal
/exposes building janitor to the world of chaos math
/gets janitor high-paying job
/janitor repays favor by ignoring job and leaving for California
/Houston Nutt is fired

Some Perspective on -20 Rushing Yards

Saturday night, Tennessee amassed -20 yards rushing on 23 attempts in an entire game of football.  The following is a list of things with greater numerical value than -20.

-Teams ranked ahead of Tennessee in rushing offense (113)

-Matt Simms rushing touchdowns on Saturday (1)

-Morgan Newton completions on Saturday (4)

-Barrett Trotter completions on Saturday (6)

-Average weight in pounds of a newborn baby (7.5)

-Number of Tyler Bray broken thumbs (1)

-Memphis rushing yards against Rice (70)

-Steve Spurrier daydreams in last hour of landing a 9-iron at 132 yards within three feet of the pin (8)

-LSU punter taunting penalties (1)

-Fahrenheit temperature in Fairbanks, Alaska (38)

-Kiehl Frazier passes to his team on Saturday (2)

-Kiehl Frazier passes to the other team on Saturday (2)

-Points from Gray's fantasy football defense Sunday (-2)

-Dumb things said by Chris Rainey today (1)
"I felt we was better than them (LSU and Alabama)."

-Dumb things said by Memphis AD R.C. Johnson today (1)
"Ultimately we would like to be in the SEC. That's where we think we belong geographically. We think we deserve to be."

-Members of Guns N' Roses still in Guns N' Roses from the Use Your Illusion days (2)
(I just know Axl is going to screw up the upcoming US tour.)

-Nick Saban laughs in past 24 hours (-19)

-Nick Saban chuckle-snorts in past 24 hours (-14)

-Nick Saban smirks in past 24 hours; sarcastic or amused (eleventy sarcastic, 0 amused)

-Bobby Petrino smirks in past 24 hours; sarcastic or amused (one less than Nick Saban; 0 amused)
/Sarcastic Smirk National Championship for Alabama
/print the shirts
/Roll Tide

One thing -20 rushing yards did beat:

-Number of real good times had while watching the Pitbull Dr. Pepper commercial (-4.8 billion)

BURN IN A FIRE, DR. PEPPER.