Get to Know Your SEC Football Players: Christian Holmes Edition

It's June, it's hot, and other than Ohio State committing one NCAA violation after another (welcome to the NCAA party, North Carolina!), not very much is going on right now.  However, to prevent your brain from entering a complete state of mush, we begin our annual offseason educational process of learning about the players who we both curse and praise during football season.  

Through this weekly, perhaps more if things get REALLY boring this summer, get-to-know-you format, it is my hope that you learn a little something about the player in this spot so that you may properly identify him as he destroys your team's chances to win a game with either a great or WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING play, is arrested, or is simply milling around in the background of shots of the sidelines.

Selection of players and teams is done through a super-secret formula that consists of I'm in charge, will do as I please, and mind your own business.  At the very least, I will not choose a team twice until all teams have been represented.


#44 Christian Holmes, LB, Mississippi State

Some background information
Well, well, well. I go and run my mouth about getting starters and contributors so far for this thing and here we are with a true freshman linebacker who's not going to play this year. However, we did catch somewhat of a break here as Christian is all over the Twitter scene, specializing in Tweets that are less than 10 words:



Sound advice and dedication from a player who looks to have his head on straight.

Greatest on-field accomplishment
Yet to occur, minus high school moments, which I'm sure were lovely.  I've only been looking through his Twitter pictures for about 10 minutes, but this is the best one so far:


Strengths
Recognizing Alabama rednecks at the beach:


Weaknesses
Taste in movies:

Seriously, you can't watch this one and not watch Tokyo Drift as well.

Based on 10 seconds of me looking at his picture, what is his favorite song, movie, TV show, or piece of literature
The yet-to-be made summer blockbuster, Seven Fast, Seven Furious.

Where to look for him in 2011
Twitter. Barring injuries in front of him, it doesn't seem likely Christian will see significant playing time. I'd keep an eye out for him in the background of shots of the sidelines and maybe even during special team plays.

Coach Mullen, any final thoughts?

"Christian's a great kid. He's gonna help us keep the Egg Bowl trophy in Starkville for a long time."

Tale of the Tape: SEC Quarterback Back Tats

In the red corner:

AJ McCarron's back tat

And in the blue corner:

Tyler Bray's back tat

Let's do this thing!

Looks Like It Has Something to Say
I do not have a tattoo, nor am I particularly interested in getting one.  This is mainly due to me wanting to avoid the pain of a needle stabbing me hundreds, if not thousands, of times in an hour or two.  Plus, if it didn't occur to me that my idea for a tattoo sucked until a month or so after getting inked, and/or the tattoo artist sucked, well, that would all suck.

However, I've always believed that if one were to get a tattoo, there has to be some meaning behind it.  Getting a sun or any sort of tribal band is a badge that lets the world know you went to Ohio State, made a bad mistake that one time in Panama City Beach, or are an idiot (God have mercy on the person that is all three of those).  A tattoo that honors someone close to you, alive or dead, or marks some time period in your life you consider special for one reason or another, those make sense to me.

And that finally brings us to the breakdown of this category.  McCarron's tattoo has a lot going on.  There's the redneck title "Bama Boy," Jesus with a crown of thorns (and perhaps tears of blood), a shield, names that could be important to him, and it's all in the shape of a crest, which keeps things nice and tidy.  Bray's tattoo spans a good chunk of his upper back, while indicating nothing more than how to spell his last name, complete with tilted letters and stars to give it some depth.

I know what I'm getting with Bray's tat.  I'm not sure of the story behind McCarron's tat, but color me intrigued.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Quality of Design
While not particularly crisp, McCarron's tattoo (this thing needs a name so I can stop typing that over and over again...we'll call it "The Crest") does incorporate shadows, different shades of ink and typefaces, it has an area of focus in the face of Jesus, and it tells an unknown story.  Bray's tattoo ("Jazz Stars") looks like someone found some Microsoft clip art from the late '90s and said, "Done."  Or the tattoo artist was a 14-year old girl.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Fratty Bro's Initial Reaction to the Tattoo
The Crest:  "Dude, bad ass, man.  What's up with Jesus and all the names?  Whoa, is that dove too?  Hey, do you know Trent Richardson?"
Jazz Stars:  "Dude, you know what, as long as you win us nine games, I don't give a shit how gay it looks."

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

Head Coach's Reaction When Asked by the Media About the Tattoo
Nick Saban (on The Crest):  "Who?"
Derek Dooley (on Jazz Stars):  "I don't have any myself, but as long as he uses proper shower technique and prevents infection, I don't have a problem with it."

ADVANTAGE:  Bray

Street Cred
The Crest:  While it doesn't scream "I'm ready for life inside Angola state prison," it has enough of an edge to it.
Jazz Stars:  If that street was the street on which one of Panama City Beach's junior high schools was located, it would be strong to quite strong.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

What My Mom Would Say
The Crest:  "Ugh.  Gross."
Jazz Stars:  "Ugh.  Gross."

ADVANTAGE:  Push

Will There Be Regret at Some Point in Their Lives
The Crest:  Possibly, but unlikely.
Jazz Stars:  Happened about five seconds after it was shown to the first person not in the tattoo parlor at the time of the Jazz Star's creation.

ADVANTAGE:  McCarron

So there you have it.  By a dominating score of 5-1, AJ McCarron's "The Crest" has defeated Tyler Bray's "Jazz Stars" in the first ever battle of SEC quarterback back tattoos.  Let us hope, nay, get down on our knees and pray that this will not be the last.

(Intensely staring at you, Stephen Garcia.  MAKE THAT MISTAKE.)

Channing Crowder May Have Sold His Florida Game Jerseys; Wait, Channing Crowder Has a Radio Show?

The current Miami Dolphins linebacker and former Florida standout mentioned with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink-say-no-more that he "hypothetically" sold his jerseys while playing at Florida.  His exact words:

"I'll say hypothetically I don't have any more of my Florida jerseys.  There were some Jacksonville businessmen that really hypothetically liked my play."

Well, something had to help cover those non-hypothetical court fees from a pair of arrests while in Gainesville.  But what does this mean in the grand scheme of things?  That radio stations have WAY WAY WAY too much time to fill, resulting in literally anyone getting a radio show.

Russell Wilson Will Attempt to Choose Wisely

Wilson, formerly of the NC State Wolfpack, will allegedly make his decision this afternoon on where he will attend school in the fall, but mostly play college football ("THAT DANGED JEREMIAH MASOLI NEVER WENT TO A DAY OF CLASS" -No one, because Ole Miss was 4-8 last year). The final two schools on his list are Auburn and Wisconsin, but the possibility remains that he'll choose to continue playing minor league baseball. To help put his options in perspective, I give you pictures that represent words I was too lazy to write.

Auburn

"My dawg!!!"






Sometimes, they don't even wait until you're out of your uniform.

Wisconsin



Only when supplies of Natty Light run out.






Will not be at Wisconsin.

EDIT BEFORE I COULD EVEN FINISH THIS:
Wilson chose Wisconsin over Auburn and baseball. 

Les Miles Sweeps the Leg of His Own Child

I know this is at least two or three days old, but no one has ever said, "You know, I could really use a little less Les Miles in my life." So drink of it deeply. If you've been hiking with James Franco or trapped in his invisible art museum, here's the full video.