This Man Will Make $425,000 Next Season

This shows all you kids out there that if you're hungry, aggressive, never rise above the level of running backs or receivers coach (minus two years where you were a co-offensive coordinator with your head coach, in which your duties included saying "Yes, sir!" and chest bumping), master taking care of people and working in the shadows from December to February, and are really, really good at waving a towel, you too can make just shy of half a million dollars in a calendar year.

But, if you're really lucky, you can be completely overmatched, compile a 6-45 record as a head coach with a former employer, have your defense rank 68th and 60th in the country in total defense and 79th and 53rd in scoring defense in your first two years of employment in your current job, fall ass-backwards into an All-American defensive tackle who is now gone, and you can make $500,000 in one year.

/drives to gas station
/impatiently waits for a pump to open
/FINALLY gets access to a pump
/accidentally opens the hood
/closes hood and opens gas tank
/swipes debit card
/YES THIS IS A DEBIT CARD, HOW PERCEPTIVE OF YOU, STUPID MACHINE
/enters pin
/selects 87 octane from pump
/places nozzle in mouth
/begins fueling
/drinks pump dry
/spends last breath refusing car wash and receipt

Get to Know Your SEC Football Players: Craig Loston Edition

It's June, it's hot, and other than Ohio State committing one NCAA violation after another, not very much is going on right now.  However, to prevent your brain from entering a complete state of mush, we begin our annual offseason educational process of learning about the players who we both curse and praise during football season.  Through this weekly, perhaps more if things get REALLY boring this summer, get-to-know-you format, it is my hope that you learn a little something about these players so that you may properly identify him as he destroys your team's chances to win a game with either a great or WHATTHEHELLAREYOUDOING play, is arrested, or is simply milling around in the background of shots of the sidelines.

Selection of players and teams is done through a super-secret formula that consists of I'm in charge, will do as I please, and mind your own business.  At the very least, I will not choose a team twice until all teams have been represented.


#6 Craig Loston, Safety, LSU

Some background information
A redshirt sophomore, Craig hails from Houston, Texas, the capital of the not-so-sweet combination of sprawl, pavement, and humidity. Per the usual for LSU defensive players, he was one of the best players in the country coming out of high school, yet was unable to significantly crack the rotation his first year because all the other best players in the country were ahead of him on the depth chart.

Sort of like Ole Miss' farm outside of Clarksdale where 5'9" cornerbacks are born and raised, except way better, LSU maintains a farm south of I-10 in a remote bayou where it raises 6'0" defensive backs who run like deer (the farm for massive, cat-quick defensive linemen is near the mouth of the Mississippi). Craig is a product of this farm, but was given the city of Houston as a cover.

And if Craig is 21 years old, then I'm 137.

Greatest on-field accomplishment
A career-high four tackles in the loss to Arkansas in 2010. Had LSU won that game for victory number 11 on the year, they would have done so with a starting quarterback who had thrown four touchdown passes in 12 games.

A close second in this category:



Strengths
Coached by Les Miles, and, as properly engineered in the lab, is big, fast, and strong for his position. And with his mature look, could easily rent a car without proving he's 25.

Weaknesses
Coached by Les Miles, suffered a wrist injury that ended his true freshman season, wears Rohan Davey's old number, which could increase his appetite to 290-pound proportions.

Based on 10 seconds of me looking at his head shot, his favorite book, song, movie, TV show, or piece of literature
Sanford and Son. Never missed an episode from 1972 to 1977.

Where to look for him in 2011
I don't claim to have my fingers on the pulse of the LSU depth chart, but could probably look it up (but I won't), however, all signs point to Craig getting significant playing time, either as a starter or rotation player.

Anything else?
According to Craig, they do not cut hair very well in Baton Rouge. And he knows Colt David's name! Yes, THE Colt David.

Casino Appalachia: Act Three

Click to avoid squinting

And so it ends. Bill Stewart is out as West Virginia head coach for "conduct detrimental to the university," or, more plainly, "trying to destroy Dana Holgorsen before Dana Holgorsen could destroy himself with casino ejections and alcohol incidents," which is probably the most Bill Stewart thing ever. If you ever watched Stewart's team play, you know that they rarely waited for the other team to do something dumb first. Stewart believed in preemptive strikes of confusion and tomfoolery, usually on the offensive side of the ball, which resulted in losing games he had no business losing.

As a result of Stewart's self-destruction, Holgorsen goes from coach-in-waiting to 3 a.m. casino evictee to head coach all in the span of a few months, and receives a $900,000 raise. So let this be a lesson to those who say nothing good ever happens after midnight. What you really mean is that Bill Stewart is a form of chaos roaming the planet, invincible to the laws of physics and order in this universe.

And with that, the curtain falls. However, with Holgorsen's rise into the spotlight, there's a chance the TV version of Casino Appalachia could see the light of day. But for now, we bid you a fond farewell. One more time, boys!

Handicapping the Field of Tennessee Athletic Director Candidates

In the wake of men's AD Mike Hamilton resignation (I would love to resign from something one day and be paid $1.3 million, rather than have everyone celebrate saying, "FINALLY, he's gone!"), Tennessee has named women's AD Joan Cronan as interim AD for the entire athletics program.  Cronan has been in charge of women's athletics since 1983 and will only hold onto this position until a replacement for Hamilton is hired.  As a school with a great deal of money, success, and power, there will be no shortage of candidates from which to choose.

Through my highly accurate deductive reasoning skills, which are made up of 1% logic and 99% "this would be totally awesome if it happened," I've managed to narrow the field into those most likely to be hired.


Older Corporate Suit, AD at another school
Odds: 2:3
Pros: Looks like an athletic director, has experience hiring and firing (not as much as Hamilton, but, then again, not many do)
Cons: Dinosaur alert, not a member of the Tennessee family


Young Corporate Suit, assistant AD at another school
Odds: 3:1
Pros: HE'S YOUNG SO HE MUST BRING LOTS OF ENERGY TO EVERYTHING
Cons: Lack of experience, not a member of the Tennessee family


Phil Fulmer, former Vol player and coach
Odds: 7:1
Pros: Loves Tennessee, would most certainly bring back David Cutcliffe, who is universally loved by Tennessee fans
Cons: David Cutcliffe would return, baseball and basketball would become intramural sports


Bill Dance, professional bass fisherman and UT fan
Odds: 15:1
Pros: The man knows how to fish, which has to count for something among the Tennessee faithful
Cons:




Sterling Marlin, former NASCAR driver, Tennessee native
Odds: 25:1
Pros: FORMER NASCAR DRIVER
Cons: Would most certainly put lesser and slower-footed athletic employees into the wall with his school-issued golf cart


Peyton Manning, NFL quarterback
Odds: 50:1
Pros: Would cause certain sportswriters across America to spontaneously combust (and never be heard from again) at the thought of writing their greatest slobber piece ever on the NFL hero coming home
Cons: Would also want to call plays, school would never beat Florida in his tenure


Davey Crockett, folk hero, frontiersman, volunteer
Odds: 150:1
Pros: East Tennessee native, man of the people
Cons: Dead


Colossal Fireworks Warehouse
Odds: 200:1
Pros: Readily available throughout the state
Cons: Potentially deadly when in the hands of the wrong rednecks


Chattanooga, TN, city
Odds: 210:1
Pros: According to the people who live there, "CHATTANOOGA IS THE GREATEST CITY IN AMERICA."
Cons: Relocation might be an issue, top 20 crime rate, industrial decay, I DON'T WANT ANY ROCK CLIMBING GEAR, PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE

Trooper Taylor and Stuart Scott Are Probably Really Good Friends

Click for more chest bump. Stolen from here.

"Hugs, fist pounds, chest bumps, dap, or, yo, just whatever you straight feelin', dawg."