PR people are the worst. Especially when they're employed by a large public institution with its ass clenched so tight its lower intestines contain the same oxygen levels as space.
I don't care what the Florida PR people told you Ja'Juan, doodoo is an approved word for public use. And you're way too young to begin censoring yourself. That's why the Florida PR people are there. It's their job to horribly attempt to control the damage when you present them with a real doodoo-storm.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Point Of Clarification
Conference realignment can be tricky when trying to remember which schools now compose a particular conference. For instance, I, if offered $1 million right now, would not be able to accurately name the schools of the Mountain West Conference and the Western Athletic Conference. This is somewhat odd considering the attentiveness I have to college football, but I refuse to accept the blame for my confusion. Seemingly every five years or so, the two conferences have a meeting (I've been told Fort Collins, Colorado), throw all the teams into a hat, and draw to create new conferences. I haven't verified this stat, but since this policy began in the '90s, Fresno State has switched conferences 57* times.
Now, to add to the confusion, the Big 12 and BigTen/B1G/Big Ten/B1B1B1 will continue to go by their current names despite those names not accurately describing the number of teams in their conferences. This has been a standard practice of the B1G for years, as they've had 11 teams since 1993 yet maintained the name containing 10. And with the addition of Nebraska, they'll have 12 teams and a 10-team name.
Keeping up with the conference it trusted not to steal its members, Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe said his conference will continue to be called the Big 12 even though it is down to Texas, Oklahoma, and eight teams receiving less money than those two, which will ultimately lead to the destruction of Beebe's conference and Beebe himself (until the Fiesta Bowl finds a spot for him!). Conversely, the Pac-10 has added two teams and will change its name to the Pac-12.
If you lost track during all of that:
B1G/Big Ten/PICK SOMETHING LESS AWFUL THAN A "1" IN YOUR NAME: 12 teams
Big 12: 10 teams
Pac-12: 12 teams
WAC/Mountain West: Somewhere between 18 and 47 teams
So, yes, this does mark the first time people on the West Coast of the United States of America have made a more clear, conventional, and logical decision than good people of middle America. Are you noticing this, people of the Great Plains and Midwest? PEOPLE WHO ONCE VOLUNTARILY LIVED IN TREES, ELECTED THE TERMINATOR GOVERNOR, AND BIRTHED HIPPIES ARE MAKING BETTER DECISIONS THAN YOU.
Please fix this ASAP. Thanks.
*This includes a short stint in the now-defunct Valley Conference, which was composed of Fresno State and no one else. The conference was disbanded when Fresno realized no other school resided or wanted to reside in the San Joaquin Valley.
Now, to add to the confusion, the Big 12 and BigTen/B1G/Big Ten/B1B1B1 will continue to go by their current names despite those names not accurately describing the number of teams in their conferences. This has been a standard practice of the B1G for years, as they've had 11 teams since 1993 yet maintained the name containing 10. And with the addition of Nebraska, they'll have 12 teams and a 10-team name.
Keeping up with the conference it trusted not to steal its members, Big 12 commissioner Dan Beebe said his conference will continue to be called the Big 12 even though it is down to Texas, Oklahoma, and eight teams receiving less money than those two, which will ultimately lead to the destruction of Beebe's conference and Beebe himself (until the Fiesta Bowl finds a spot for him!). Conversely, the Pac-10 has added two teams and will change its name to the Pac-12.
If you lost track during all of that:
B1G/Big Ten/PICK SOMETHING LESS AWFUL THAN A "1" IN YOUR NAME: 12 teams
Big 12: 10 teams
Pac-12: 12 teams
WAC/Mountain West: Somewhere between 18 and 47 teams
So, yes, this does mark the first time people on the West Coast of the United States of America have made a more clear, conventional, and logical decision than good people of middle America. Are you noticing this, people of the Great Plains and Midwest? PEOPLE WHO ONCE VOLUNTARILY LIVED IN TREES, ELECTED THE TERMINATOR GOVERNOR, AND BIRTHED HIPPIES ARE MAKING BETTER DECISIONS THAN YOU.
Please fix this ASAP. Thanks.
*This includes a short stint in the now-defunct Valley Conference, which was composed of Fresno State and no one else. The conference was disbanded when Fresno realized no other school resided or wanted to reside in the San Joaquin Valley.
Monday, May 23, 2011
From The Weekend That Was
Just one of many, many reasons the rapture never came to fruition this weekend:
Stolen from somewhere on the Internet, but can't remember exactly where.
Even North American white Jesus can't handle Macho Man coming off the top turnbuckle.
Or it's possible we're dead and waiting for one last person, our own Dr. Jack Shephard, whoever/whomever that might be, to die and meet us in a church in Los Angeles so we can all walk into a really bright light, followed by millions of people screaming indignant things about how this is not how it's supposed to end.
Up next on the doomsday clock, the Mayans, who have December 23, 2012 pegged as the end of times. Too bad none of the true Mayans will be around to say, "We told you so" or be mercilessly mocked.
Speaking of mercilessly mocked, the schematic advantage will continue being what it is, an advantage that comes and goes as it pleases with no understanding by its pilot as to why it does so, but its pilot will be paid until 2015 for one good season of the advantage. I'm waiting for the day when a level-headed athletic director doesn't immediately back up a dump truck full of money to a coach's front door after one good season. Show everyone it can be done twice before you get enough money to never have to work again even after you are fired for being not good at what you do.
And while we're on that...oh, what's that? Hey there, Sports Illustrated. What? You want me back? And you'll give me a free Houston Texans jacket?
What better way to support the failed, yet still employed, Gary Kubiak era than a cheap jacket and a subscription to a magazine in which I can read all the major articles for free online.
Other things that aren't free? Putting on an unnecessarily long award presentation (is there any other kind?) to celebrate and acknowledge the best player in college football. Unless Charles Woodson is in the field, at which point, the player who has run back a punt for a touchdown against an overrated Big 10 team (again, is there any other kind? ZING!!!) will automatically be awarded the Heisman.
Though no Heismans were won or lost this weekend, an actual college football game was played, and not one of the spring variety. But, rather, one of the Tanzania variety. Drake, of NCAA Tournament reference point, beat a team of all-stars from Mexico 17-7 in what was called the Global Kilimanjaro Bowl in Arusha, Tanzania. The idea of a Mexican all-star football team seems about as silly as the United States sending an all-star soccer team to play in a world tournament.
/continues to deal with anger issues related to World Cup loss to Ghana
/WHY WERE YOU SO SLOW AND BAD, DEFENSE?
And finally, Ole Miss picked up a late football commitment in Georgia defensive back Denzel Nkemdiche. On the immediate front, Nkemdiche provides another warm body to throw out into a secondary that was one of the conference's worst last season and has four scholarship players at cornerback. On the down-the-road front, Nkemdiche's brother, Robert, a defensive end, is expected to be one of the top recruits in the country in 2013 and will most likely sign with the school his older brother is attending.
/vomits from thinking and talking about recruiting two years from now
Unfortunately for the brothers Nkemdiche and for Ole Miss fans, we all know how this is going to play out. In January of 2012, Robert will announce his intentions to attend Ole Miss, locking up one of the biggest recruits to come to Ole Miss. In March of 2012, Denzel will be kicked off the team for doing whatever dumb things college football players like to do. Robert will then re-open his recruitment and never step foot on the Ole Miss campus. I'm sorry Nkemdiches, but this is what happens when you cast your lot with Ole Miss. PAIN, AGONY, AND BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT CONSTANTLY SWIRLING ABOUT.
Stolen from somewhere on the Internet, but can't remember exactly where.
Even North American white Jesus can't handle Macho Man coming off the top turnbuckle.
Or it's possible we're dead and waiting for one last person, our own Dr. Jack Shephard, whoever/whomever that might be, to die and meet us in a church in Los Angeles so we can all walk into a really bright light, followed by millions of people screaming indignant things about how this is not how it's supposed to end.
Up next on the doomsday clock, the Mayans, who have December 23, 2012 pegged as the end of times. Too bad none of the true Mayans will be around to say, "We told you so" or be mercilessly mocked.
Speaking of mercilessly mocked, the schematic advantage will continue being what it is, an advantage that comes and goes as it pleases with no understanding by its pilot as to why it does so, but its pilot will be paid until 2015 for one good season of the advantage. I'm waiting for the day when a level-headed athletic director doesn't immediately back up a dump truck full of money to a coach's front door after one good season. Show everyone it can be done twice before you get enough money to never have to work again even after you are fired for being not good at what you do.
And while we're on that...oh, what's that? Hey there, Sports Illustrated. What? You want me back? And you'll give me a free Houston Texans jacket?
What better way to support the failed, yet still employed, Gary Kubiak era than a cheap jacket and a subscription to a magazine in which I can read all the major articles for free online.
Other things that aren't free? Putting on an unnecessarily long award presentation (is there any other kind?) to celebrate and acknowledge the best player in college football. Unless Charles Woodson is in the field, at which point, the player who has run back a punt for a touchdown against an overrated Big 10 team (again, is there any other kind? ZING!!!) will automatically be awarded the Heisman.
Though no Heismans were won or lost this weekend, an actual college football game was played, and not one of the spring variety. But, rather, one of the Tanzania variety. Drake, of NCAA Tournament reference point, beat a team of all-stars from Mexico 17-7 in what was called the Global Kilimanjaro Bowl in Arusha, Tanzania. The idea of a Mexican all-star football team seems about as silly as the United States sending an all-star soccer team to play in a world tournament.
/continues to deal with anger issues related to World Cup loss to Ghana
/WHY WERE YOU SO SLOW AND BAD, DEFENSE?
And finally, Ole Miss picked up a late football commitment in Georgia defensive back Denzel Nkemdiche. On the immediate front, Nkemdiche provides another warm body to throw out into a secondary that was one of the conference's worst last season and has four scholarship players at cornerback. On the down-the-road front, Nkemdiche's brother, Robert, a defensive end, is expected to be one of the top recruits in the country in 2013 and will most likely sign with the school his older brother is attending.
/vomits from thinking and talking about recruiting two years from now
Unfortunately for the brothers Nkemdiche and for Ole Miss fans, we all know how this is going to play out. In January of 2012, Robert will announce his intentions to attend Ole Miss, locking up one of the biggest recruits to come to Ole Miss. In March of 2012, Denzel will be kicked off the team for doing whatever dumb things college football players like to do. Robert will then re-open his recruitment and never step foot on the Ole Miss campus. I'm sorry Nkemdiches, but this is what happens when you cast your lot with Ole Miss. PAIN, AGONY, AND BITTER DISAPPOINTMENT CONSTANTLY SWIRLING ABOUT.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Ole Miss Fans, Administrators, And Students Have Always Kept Their Focus In The Right Place
From 1973-1986, the major bowls were the Sugar, Orange, Cotton and Rose Bowls. In January 1987, the Fiesta Bowl joined the mix. These remained the major bowls until the BCS bowls began in 1998, at which point the Cotton Bowl dropped out. For clarification, 1972 was the last time Ole Miss showed up at any of these, making the College World Series that year. And this was stolen outright from NAFOOM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TOOK COLONEL REB AWAY! HE'S MY MASCOT! I'LL NEVER SUPPORT THAT BEAR! NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY'LL BE CHANGING OUR NAME FROM THE REBELS TO THE BEARS! I HEARD THEY'RE ALSO GOING TO START CHARGING FOR SPACES IN THE GROVE. THEY'RE TAKING AWAY ALL OF OUR TRADITIONS!!! BRING BACK THE COLONEL!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Reactions To Stephen Garcia's Probable Return To Starting Quarterback
Though Steve Spurrier has yet to officially announce it, all signs point to the return of suspended South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia and his resumption of starting quarterback duties (which also would end my candlelight vigil that's been going since the suspension started in April). Essentially, as long as Garcia doesn't get drunk, steal the Ball Coach's visor, and shoot a 79 at Augusta, he should be ready to hand the ball off to Marcus Lattimore when South Carolina opens the season against East Carolina. Now, if he's sober, steals the visor, and shoots a 74, he can probably get away with it.
Other than the South Carolina football team and its fans, the most affected people by Garcia's imminent return are the teams the Gamecocks will play in 2011. With that in mind, let's get some thought from the coaches of those 12 teams, as they now have to prepare for Garcia instead of the mostly harmless Connor Shaw.
Ruffin McNeill, East Carolina:
"My defense gave up 44 points a game last year. I don't like any offense. Sweet mercy, it's hot in here. Do you have a towel? I believe mine's all soaked up."
Mark Richt, Georgia:
"Garcia, I don't really care about. Marcus Lattimore, however, I'm going to run over with a bus."
Ken Niumatalolo, Navy:
"We're going to need a handful of turnovers and some mental collapses in order to win. I'm not that familiar with the SEC, so is that a possibility with Stephen Garcia?"
It is indeed, Ken, it is indeed.
"Excellent."
James Franklin, Vanderbilt:
"Holy shit, I hope this guy doesn't have to play."
Gene Chizik, Auburn:
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GENE CHIZIK DOESN'T LIKE THIS ONE BIT."
Joker Phillips, Kentucky:
(sad trombone sound)
Dan Mullen, Mississippi State:
"I'm trying to remember, wait, I think we did. Yep, I was right all along. We did beat The School Up North the past two seasons."
Derek Dooley, Tennessee:
"My starting quarterback went 5 for 30 in the last major scrimmage before fall practice. Is it possible Garcia can still transfer here?"
Bobby Petrino, Arkansas:
/snickers
Will Muschamp, Florida:
"Last I checked, he's still got to use his mind, which works to our benefit. It's kind of l- BOOM!!! Hahaha! Gotcha! One more time, BOOM!!!"
Kevin Higgins, Citadel:
"Men, avoid staring at solar eclipses for extended periods of time."
Dabo Swinney, Clemson:
"I like this fella' right here. A prankster. Ain't no way Steve is going to let him come back after all that stuff he put them through.
Do what?
You're serious?
Oh man, there goes our shot at eight wins."
(sad trombone sound)
And finally, Coach Spurrier, what are your thoughts about Stephen returning to the team?
Other than the South Carolina football team and its fans, the most affected people by Garcia's imminent return are the teams the Gamecocks will play in 2011. With that in mind, let's get some thought from the coaches of those 12 teams, as they now have to prepare for Garcia instead of the mostly harmless Connor Shaw.
Ruffin McNeill, East Carolina:
"My defense gave up 44 points a game last year. I don't like any offense. Sweet mercy, it's hot in here. Do you have a towel? I believe mine's all soaked up."
Mark Richt, Georgia:
"Garcia, I don't really care about. Marcus Lattimore, however, I'm going to run over with a bus."
Ken Niumatalolo, Navy:
"We're going to need a handful of turnovers and some mental collapses in order to win. I'm not that familiar with the SEC, so is that a possibility with Stephen Garcia?"
It is indeed, Ken, it is indeed.
"Excellent."
James Franklin, Vanderbilt:
"Holy shit, I hope this guy doesn't have to play."
Gene Chizik, Auburn:
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! GENE CHIZIK DOESN'T LIKE THIS ONE BIT."
Joker Phillips, Kentucky:
(sad trombone sound)
Dan Mullen, Mississippi State:
"I'm trying to remember, wait, I think we did. Yep, I was right all along. We did beat The School Up North the past two seasons."
Derek Dooley, Tennessee:
"My starting quarterback went 5 for 30 in the last major scrimmage before fall practice. Is it possible Garcia can still transfer here?"
Bobby Petrino, Arkansas:
/snickers
Will Muschamp, Florida:
"Last I checked, he's still got to use his mind, which works to our benefit. It's kind of l- BOOM!!! Hahaha! Gotcha! One more time, BOOM!!!"
Kevin Higgins, Citadel:
"Men, avoid staring at solar eclipses for extended periods of time."
Dabo Swinney, Clemson:
"I like this fella' right here. A prankster. Ain't no way Steve is going to let him come back after all that stuff he put them through.
Do what?
You're serious?
Oh man, there goes our shot at eight wins."
(sad trombone sound)
And finally, Coach Spurrier, what are your thoughts about Stephen returning to the team?
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