My shallowest apologies for not slapping something up here today. I had a dog and pony show an elaborate preview of the South Carolina/Auburn game in mind, but alas, last night was an overload of television that had to be watched. And today at work I was hit with a tidal wave of, well, work, which is total OLDDONKEYCRAP. How dare they make a Friday like this.
Anyway, yesterday was the annual celebration of the day of my birth and it could not have been a more special day. For the Ole Miss Alumni Association SPARES NO EXPENSE when it comes to its members. From my inbox yesterday morning:
Click to observe the clip art from old Geocities webpages
Last time, when we met in the plush, all oak-walled surroundings of Gene Chizik's office, the family was returning from a fight with the members of the press hell-bent on bringing down the Auburn family and football program. In today's episode, the guys discuss just how to handle Cecil Newton's access to Auburn, while lounging around eating sandwiches.
Chizik: This is nice, gang, sittin' here.
Jacobs: Oh, yeah. Brown baggin' it.
Taylor: The team pancake breakfast is tomorrow morning at 10 instead of 9.
Chizik: Oh, Almost forgot. I won't be able to make it, fellas. Cecil and I are trying this new fad called, uh, revivaling. I believe it's revivaling or rivayaling. It might be a soft "V." I'm not sure, but apparently you just sway, dance, sweat and shout for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.
Roof: So Gene's not coming?
Taylor: No, dawg, Gene's coming. It's the pancake breakfast. We do it every month.
Chizik: I realize that. But sometimes you gotta look at yourself and say, "When in Newnan, Georgia."
Taylor: Yo, bottom line is, you've been spending a lot of time with Cecil. You're a member of the Auburn coaching staff.
Chizik: That's a given.
Taylor: We need you, dawg. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. Don't know where to send money, who to give it to. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your chin-jut. I miss...I miss your ferocious gum-chewing. I miss your musk. When this gets sorted out, I think you and I should get an apartment with a recruits' parents.
Jacobs: Just take it easy, Trooper. Why don't you stop talking for a while? Maybe sit the next couple of plays out. You know what I mean?
Taylor: Yeah, I'm gonna quit sayin' shit when it crops up in the ol' skull, yo.
Jacobs: See what it's like when you're not here? You're our leader. Look what you're doing to the group. Trooper's been a mess. Ted can't sleep at night.
Here's the thing, I don't trust this bishop. We need you around and he's just using you.
Chizik: Everyone, just relax. Believe me, if there's one thing Gene Chizik knows, it's fathers acting without their son's knowledge (winks). Okay? And Cecil Newton, he's just...he's just dying to take a step back so we can finish this season undefeated without distractions.
Jacobs: I don't know, Gene.
Chizik: Guess what. I do. I know that one day, Cecil and I are going to stand in one of his churches that we paid for on top of a mountain. And there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs.
And we will dance till whenever Pentecostals have to go to bed. And then Cam and the other children will form a sports agency. And we will go across the country finding schools for high school and junior college players as long as they promise to pay us a flat rate of 10% of their first NFL contract. AND YOU WON'T BE INVITED!
(extends chin a foot and a half)
Now get out of my office!
(group slinks out of his office)
Cecil, Cam, you can step out from behind the California Redwood I had imported to display in my office because I can.
(Cecil and Cam emerge)
Cecil: That was close. Maybe we should take a step back. Cam: Dad! Cecil: Quiet, you!
Chizik: Nonsense. This whole situation is garbage! GARBAGE I SAY! Com'on. We've got to go pick up Fairley from his Spearing: The Destruction of Quarterbacks 554 class.
ESPN's lead investigator/inside scooper/Blackberry user/whatever is firmly planted as the epicenter of the reporting surrounding the Miami Hurricanes' search for a new coach. His "sources," a term ESPN freely uses, have stated that all signs point to Jon Gruden being named head coach within a few days. The other name mentioned, which would more directly affect people who read here everyday, is Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullen.
Now, just who Schad's sources are never exactly clear. Maybe some of those shadowy robe-wearing things from Lord of the Rings. But probably less evil. Or so I assume.
To this confusion, I say bullcrap. It's time to finally reveal who told Schad it would be Gruden and who brought up Dan Mullen's name. This way, you can decide for yourself who is a more credible source.
Jon Gruden Source The guy down by the pier
Honesty can take a man a long way. Perhaps even right into a fish sandwich combo from Burger King. Why yes I will upsize that!
Dan Mullen Source Fanciful unicorn
Alright, I'm gonna have to call bullshit on this one, Joe Schad. Everyone knows unicorns only like being around rainbows and sun-soaked forests.
The Guy Down by the Pier Source His friend Russell
Who was also clearly irritated because even he considers Burger King to be slumming.
Trooper Taylor Source Trooper Taylor
He says he's only got so many towel-waves left in his arm and leaping chest/side bumps left in his Achilles tendons before the body gives out. And that's a shame.
After Saturday night's loss to Mississippi State, Ole Miss fans slammed shut the book of Jeremiah Masoli's career and subsequently whipped it across the room. Not necessarily because of what he individually did or didn't do, but because the whole season was A NIGHTMARE STRAIGHT OUT OF THE DEPTHS OF HELL. Masoli was one of the few bright spots to the entire season, frustrating at times, no doubt, but his athletic ability allowed us to slap together four wins and at least make things interesting in a few conference games. Without him, we would have referred to 2010 as the year I plucked out my eyeballs with a spoon.
And so, it comes time to bid goodbye to the first American of Samoan descent to ever visit the South (zero research confirms this could be true). I am sorry things didn't work out better. I am sorry your offensive line was what it was. I am sorry you had a front row seat to the worst defense in the history of a school you'd never even seen before. I am sorry your best wide receiver was MELVIN HARRIS.
I wish things could have turned out differently, but, alas, it happened the way it happened. To send you on your way to your impending tryouts with the Roughriders and Argonauts of the world, as well as pay homage to one of the men who helped shape my sense of humor and we unfortunately lost on Sunday, Leslie Nielsen has a few parting words of wisdom:
Capt. Ed Hocken: ...you're taking a big chance. Lt. Frank Drebin: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.
AND THE HELL WITH IT, BONUS QUOTE
(For those who thought Stanley should have gotten the call this season)
Lt. Frank Drebin: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago. Capt. Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis. Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati. Lt. Frank Drebin: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly. Capt. Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin. Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South. Lt. Frank Drebin: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia. Capt. Hocken: You sure know your boxing. Lt. Frank Drebin: All I know is never bet on the white guy.
BONUS FOOTAGE (ACTUALLY, THE ONLY FOOTAGE IN THIS POST)
The first time my dad saw this part of the movie, I thought I was going to watch him die from suffocation because he was laughing so hard.
Auburn 28, Alabama 27
As an Ole Miss fan who has seen and experienced dozens upon thousand-kabillions of missed opportunities that ALWAYS come back to bite you in the ass, I knew Trent Richardson's drop of a sure touchdown pass was going to do just that to Alabama. A 28-0 lead would have been the kill shot and the end of Cam Newton prancing around like the drama queen that he is. Instead, the game goes down as one of the all-time great choke jobs in SEC history. And I say, WELCOME TO THAT LIST, ALABAMA. It is a cold and unforgiving place, but provides excellent material when you launch into an incoherent rant on the general failure of every facet of your school.
And that rant may start with offensive coordinator Jim McElwain and his remarkable ability to abandon what was working (short, quick passes) in favor of a power run game into the teeth of an Auburn defense with seven to eight guys within three yards of the line of scrimmage. Then, he maintained a dedication to that attack, despite Auburn's defense getting more and more aggressive. I find it hard to believe Nick Saban will let such a transgression go quietly, especially after his defense did what they did in the first half, shutting down one of the best offenses in the conference and country. The good news for Jim is that he'll have a handful of Ole Miss coaches with which he may form a support group.
Tennessee 24, Kentucky 14
I don't even pretend to know what the hell is going on with Tennessee football, so forgive my ignorance in asking this question, but why did Matt Simms start so many games again? While I think Tyler Bray throws the ball like a drunken, poop-slinging monkey (seven picks in 179 attempts; one INT every 25.6 passes), he's exponentially better than Simms, who threw the ball like a drunken, poop-slinging monkey with no arms.
Arkansas 31, LSU 23
Finally, a team massively outgains LSU (464-294) and WINS. I never thought we'd live to see that day. And there is no doubt that Arkansas' 80-yard touchdown pass right before halftime, the result of two LSU DBs smashing into one another, was the sweetest sight these eyes have seen in a long, long time. Now, LSU fans, you know how the rest of us have felt since Les Miles' insanity started working to his and your benefit.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Florida State 31, Florida 7
Alright then, Florida is much worse than I thought and I thought Ole Miss would have a chance to beat them. Luckily, Urban Meyer is on record saying he's not into excuses, but solutions. I look forward to the excuse he uses to avoid the solution, which is the dismissal of Steve Addazio.
Mississippi State 31, Ole Miss 23
From last week: "I can't wait to yell incoherently at the TV as I watch a stunt or reckless run blitz on first and ten result in a hole the size of Nebraska opening, through which Vick Ballard or Chris Relf will sprint and evade the Ole Miss safeties by continuing to run along the same path, knowing such a horrible angle will have been taken that Johnny Brown, Fon Ingram, Damien Jackson or Brishen Matthews will just fly right by."
Easiest prediction ever? Easiest prediction ever. My only regret is that I only hinted that Chris Relf would win SEC Offensive Player of the Week rather than just saying he was absolutely going to win it. I never said I was overly smart, I only think it.
As of this writing, the rumor mill is working its child laborers at a rapid, unrelenting pace. In just the past few hours, I've heard Houston Nutt to Dallas, Houston Nutt is retiring, Houston Nutt is going to Colorado, some coaches will be fired, no coaches will be fired, Dave Rader is fired, Tyrone Nix and his brother are fired and Ole Miss is fired by its fans. 99.999999% of it of course is total bullshit, but that doesn't take away any enjoyment from guzzling it down and demanding more.
However, if Ole Miss is a legitimate football program (and I often question whether it is), someone or someones have to be fed to the fans as an "I'm sorry" gesture from Houston Nutt for the shit show we had to watch since September. And more than likely, the main course of that meal has to be Tyrone Nix. You don't operate the worst defense in school history and live to tell the tale. It was obvious Nix had zero answers or adjustments for any offense or situation he faced. By offering no improvements or even flashes of hope that he might get this thing figured out, there is no reason he should return. Every week was a constant stream of quotes saying "we're going to work harder" and "we're going to make plays," yet none of those things held true. If he stays, and I would not be surprised that he does, he should make exactly $1 less than Don Lindsey, Art Kaufman and Chuck Driesbach ever did, because that's what he's worth right now.
Offering up Dave Rader is not a strong enough sacrifice to those who pump money and life into the football program. Rader's firing will be as worthless as his hiring. It must be Nix (I would also gladly accept a few more thrown in, but will settle for just Nix) or Houston Nutt toes the line of completely losing the fanbase.
South Carolina 29, Clemson 7
Clemson fulfilled the terms of their agreement with the sports gods: No more than eight wins, no fewer than six.
Wake Forest 34, Vanderbilt 13
A rarity for Vandy as they outgained their opponent 443-299. Not a rarity for Vanderbilt, they lost.
Georgia 42, Georgia Tech 34
Did anyone get confirmation that Georgia Tech's quarterback did not receive an arm transplant surgery in which his donor was a 12-year old girl? I swear I read that. Also, it should be noted that the SEC East's bowl eligible teams, excluding South Carolina, have a combined 25 wins and 23 losses and are 1-11 against SEC West teams (congratulations, Ole Miss).
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE Nevada 34, Boise State 31
So Boise went from BCS championship game dark horse, and at the very least at-large birth contender, to not even going to win the WAC. The difference between Boise State and the SEC is that when one of our kickers misses a kick that literally destroys our season, we do rage-filled, childlike things, like force him to get a new cellphone number, move, change his name, alter his daily routine, drop out of school and consider his spoken name blasphemy. We DO NOT create a Facebook page to offer him support. Until you learn to hate and act like morons, you'll never make it to the biggest stage.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Chris Relf, QB, Mississippi State
13-20, 288 yards, 3 TDs, 1 INT
12 carries, 62 yards
In support of Tyrone Nix, at least Relf didn't go over 100 yards rushing like last year. Put that on your resume for your next job.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Tyrone Nix, Defensive Coordinator, Ole Miss
The Ole Miss secondary
288 yards to Chris Relf.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Dan Mullen, Mississippi State
He spent all year running his mouth, and when the time came to back it up, he did.
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jeremiah Masoli 13 (Winner)
2. Ryan Mallett 11
3. Jordan Jefferson 9
Mike Hartline 9
John Brantley 9
Stephen Garcia 9
7. Tyler Bray 7
8. Tyler Russell 6
Cam Newton 6
10. Larry Smith 5
Chris Relf 5
Congratulations to Jeremiah Masoli, the second straight winner from Ole Miss. In the past two seasons, Ole Miss starting quarterbacks have combined to throw 33 interceptions. And who says Houston Nutt is a quarterback killer?
/tears of joy that the atrocity that was the 2010 season is now over
/gears up to be ultimately disappointed by the basketball team
