It's only Tuesday, but it's never too early to begin your meticulous preparation for wagering so that you can properly waffle over various point spreads from Wednesday night to Friday afternoon. And we all know it's not a real bet unless you interpret defensive passing efficiency statistics combined with the tides schedule in the Gulf and that one Tennessee fan who annoyed the hell out of you five years ago in Knoxville to mean that, YES, the road underdog will cover. So to add to the information most certainly necessary to making a successful bet, The Belly of the Beast is here to help.
But first, a free exercise in wagering to get the competitive juices flowing. In the following video, Big Boi of Outkast spends a few minutes with penguins. And how dare you require an explanation as to why. Will he: Reel in terror when the penguin waddles up to him or share a Swisher Sweet with the penguin? MAKE YOUR WAGERS.
If you had "I can't wait to see the polar bears," then you correctly anticipated the late touchdown for a cover and your pockets are now full of imaginary money.
Florida WR Chris Rainey seems like a lucid, got-his-head-on-straight kind of guy
Actually, whatever the direct opposite of that is, that's what Chris Rainey is. Rainey was arrested (DIRTY COACH ALERT, Stewart Mandel; I expect 1500 words STAT) last night on a charge of aggravated stalking. Just what constitutes aggravated stalking? Apparently, sending a text to your sort of girlfriend that says "Time to die" and following that up with "Wait and see what happens when they leave" when told the police have been contacted. One would assume this will keep Rainey out of Saturday's game against Tennessee, but it's possible Urban Meyer will find a way to pin this on a reporter, call him a "bad guy" and give him the Meyer death stare, which lost its effectiveness when Tim Tebow graduated.
INFLUENCE ON BET: None. A car made out of milk crates, duct tape and old mops is still not a functioning car even when it loses one of those mops, no?
Les Miles considers tinkering with his offense (does not understand tinkering is supposed to make things better)
After Jordan Jefferson's display of incompletions against Vanderbilt, Miles has opened the door for the possible return of the pick-six machine that was Jarrett Lee. Somehow, Miles has managed to block out the seven touchdowns Lee gave to other teams in 2008 and is considering giving Lee a shot at taking over for Jefferson. "Jarrett Lee is practicing better, and he deserves to compete in this process," he said. Though Jefferson remains the starter, it is likely Lee will see some action if Jefferson struggles, which means that Lee will see some action. Possibly this weekend.
INFLUENCE ON BET: When you have visual confirmation of Lee entering the game, buy a new house, take out no less than eight mortgages and confidently place them on the team LSU is playing. And if LSU is favored, scrape up any spare cash you have and add that to the bet.
Arkansas RB Dennis Johnson has....yikes...you may want to enter a full-body flex before reading this
Johnson has what head coach Bobby Petrino described as a "bowel injury" that required surgery after Saturday's game. Petrino said that his strength coach told him that Johnson talked about falling on the ball during a play. Initially, the team thought it was a rib injury until Johnson starting throwing up, then they took him to the hospital for surgery. According to Petrino, Johnson is "very, very sore" from surgery, but is up and walking and seems to be doing well.
I read that last night and still haven't relaxed my abdominal muscles (what few functioning ones there are). Let's hope Johnson makes a full recovery and this injury NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN to anyone because I can't read something like that again. Plus, if my abs don't relax soon, I won't be able to properly stuff my face at lunch.
INFLUENCE ON BET: Ryan Mallett on the road in the SEC is all the influence I need.
SEC home games: 86-137 (62.8%), 331.8 yds/gm, 12 TDs, 3 INTs
SEC road games: 53-135 (39.3%), 216.3 yds/gm, 4 TDs, 2 INTs
Alabama RB Mark Ingram returns to practice with 1.5 good knees
Ingram practiced wearing a brace yesterday, a sign that he might see some playing time against Duke this weekend. However, it is Duke and he probably won't be needed. But if he were pressed into playing duty, I would think Mark Ingram with no knees could probably still grind out 80 yards and a touchdown against the Blue Devils.
INFLUENCE ON BET: None. But this highlight involving Duke is pretty awesome.
Houston Nutt wants to see more out of his defense this weekend and not the team in general
I'd like to see both units play for extended periods of time like they are not completely and totally as bad as I think they are. Though I suppose the first steps to admitting you have a problem is some type of public admission, so we're taking steps to correct this. By 2011.
INFLUENCE ON BET:
/checks line
/sees Ole Miss (-14)
/purchases new home
/takes out eight mortgages
/places all eight firmly and confidently on Vanderbilt
A.J. Green's weekend eligibility to be determined Wednesday
The NCAA is expected to hear Georgia's appeal tomorrow and possibly issue a ruling on the same day. Or maybe Friday. Or next week. Or in 2049. There are no rules or accountability for the NCAA, so my best guess is that he gets an additional three game suspension, has to enroll in a graduate program while still an undergraduate and intern next summer in Indianapolis to take the workload off the four full-time employees. Fair? It's debatable. But things like this happen when the spirit of a rule is compromised.
INFLUENCE ON BET: How about a prop bet that says Aaron Murray will not throw a touchdown until A.J. Green returns?
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
From the Weekend That Was
GAME RECAPS
Week: 9-0
Season: 19-1
South Carolina 17, Georgia 6
Wait, you're telling me a redshirt freshman quarterback with zero career starts in the SEC, a defense that was seventh in the conference in total defense in 2009 and a defense that is completely changing its scheme is a serious candidate to win the SEC East? I'm sorry, I thought this was America, a place where LOGIC AND INTOLERANCE FOR CRAP PREVAILS. In case you didn't see it, Aaron Murray wasn't awful, but he essentially brought nothing to the table, or what I like to call a "non-producer." However, what was awful was Georgia's ability to tackle South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore. Steve Spurrier, temporarily possessed by bizarro-Steve Spurrier, elected to stop throwing and run the ball without mercy because of the Georgia defense's tendency to bounce off of Lattimore.
While this no doubt resulted in several millimeters being ground off of Spurrier's teeth, it did dramatically reduce the chance that Stephen Garcia would shake off this new responsible version of himself and do his best to give the game away. Once again, Garcia played above average but did nothing spectacular, which, given the South Carolina defense's performance, he did not need to do. As I've said before, under control Garcia is very disappointing and makes South Carolina games more boring than normal. And that's a shame. Because if all of us need more of something in life, it's Stephen Garcia operating as he was born to do: WITHOUT STRUCTURE. Also, if I owned a visor, I would give a tip of it to Spurrier who proved he still can win a big game he should win.
Florida 38, South Florida 14
Question for Skip Holtz: Actually, this is more of a statement: The rules of college football do not require you to throw a certain number of passes. Observe: The Bulls averaged 6.3 yards per carry on 39 rushing attempts. Quarterback B.J. Daniels attempted 20 passes, FIVE were completed, FOUR were intercepted and ONE was caught for a touchdown. Just a thought, but as you watched Florida's offense sputter its way into another punt attempt, why was it necessary to allow B.J. Daniels the opportunity to give the ball right back to them? That crap might fly in C-USA, but this is the Big East, buddy. TIGHTEN UP.
LSU 27, Vanderbilt 3
Jordan Jefferson
8-20, 96 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
Larry Smith
8-15, 70 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Other than losing their hysterical blindness sometime Sunday morning, which they contracted from watching something so horrifying (or from consuming large quantities of grain alcohol), the good news for LSU fans was that they did outgain Vandy 392-135, which should secure LSU 11th place in the conference in total offense.
Alabama 24, Penn State 3
As expected, Alabama dominated from start to finish. Not as expected, a sign at GameDay that made me snort-laugh out loud: "Joe Pa fathered each cast member of the Jersey Shore." If only Paterno had brought in The Situation to inspire and offer career, relationship and woman-juggling tips, perhaps Penn State could have made things interesting.
Arkansas 31, Former Directional School 7
Oregon 48, Tennessee 13
If only the Vols could have stopped playing at the 14:21-mark in the second quarter, they would have won 13-3. Unfortunately, the remaining 44:21 had to be played and during that time Oregon scored 45 points while Tennessee scored none. Although, I suppose you could argue the Vols actually did stop playing at the 14:21-mark. It would almost be better to admit you quit because trying and getting outscored 45-0 has to be a most soul-numbing experience. There is good news, Vol fans. You, America and Derek Dooley now have visual confirmation that Matt Simms stinks, which means Tauren Poole should get 75 rushing attempts a game.
Kentucky 63, Western Kentucky 28
Mike Hartline, sir, who do you think you are? How dare you put up stats that are such a far departure from 2009. This, sir, is two straight games without an interception. You disgust me.
Ole Miss 27, Tulane 13
/checks schedule
/discovers there are 10 more games in the 2010 season
/contacts local hospital to inquire about whiskey IV solutions
Same story as last week, only Jeremiah Masoli decided to dominate when things got tight. Pass defense is still terrible, interior offensive line is now worse (guard Rishaw Johnson kicked off the team and the back-up gets hurt) and the third quarter has turned into the third quarter in the David Cutcliffe era (How in the holy hell do you, as a major college football program, not gain a SINGLE YARD OF OFFENSE in the third quarter? SONOFABITCHWEARETERRIBLE.). Unless Houston Nutt is playing an ultimate version of possum before SEC games, this team is a 2-6 SEC team. Maybe. Okay, 1-7. (Note: We are not playing possum.)
And to further stoke my fires of rage, I had to deal with Time Warner Cable's giant sack of suck and bullshit. Because Time Warner is horrible and hates its customers, they do not offer man's greatest invention, ESPN3.com. So I was forced to try to purchase ESPNClassic, which was showing the first part of the game before it switched over to ESPN2 (upon the conclusion of the Orgeon/Tennessee game). I wanted to give Time Warner money and they REFUSED TO TAKE IT. They claimed they did not recognize the account number and therefore could not provide me with whatever horseshit sports package of which ESPNClassic is a part. Instead, I was forced to listen to the Tulane radio broadcast over the Internet until the Oregon game, which took half a damn century to play the third quarter, ended. And of course that crap didn't end until about 10 minutes to go in the Ole Miss game. So the lesson here is, as always, never subscribe to Time Warner.
However, I did get to see Houston Nutt and Tyrone Nix's celebration when we ended Tulane's last series with a sack. Since when does an ugly win over a horrid team warrant a celebration like we've just locked up a spot in Atlanta? Apparently, AFTER YOU LOSE TO JACKSONVILLE STATE. But, again, NO LOSSES IN THE SEC.
/finds splotches of wool on back
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
James Madison 21, Virginia Tech 16
Taste my pain, Virginia Tech! And what type of an act would it take to ban writers and coaches from placing Virginia Tech, Miami and Florida State in the preseason Top 25? Free Golden Corral? Personalized stationary? Whatever it is, let's, as a collective college football body, make this happen.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
37 carries, 182 yards, 2 TD
And 29 broken tackles.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Chris Relf, QB, Mississippi State
12-25, 110 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
14 carries, 26 yards
Perhaps a little unfair because his coaches put him in situations that clearly did not suit what he does well, but as a starting quarterback, he should have made some of the throws he had open. Plus, even though Jordan Jefferson was probably worse, his team did win.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
The Ball Coach had a game he should win and in typical un-South Carolina fashion, he won. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come, or it's just setting up for another South Carolina collapse, complete with more false start penalties ever recorded by a team.
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jordan Jefferson 2
Ryan Mallett 2
Jeremiah Masoli 2
4. Aaron Murray 1
Chris Relf 1
Matt Simms 1
Larry Smith 1
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Georgia
If Arkansas is serious about winning 10 games, this is a game they have to win. If Georgia wants to not crank up a preliminary coaching search, they need to win this game. And then there's the Ryan Mallett Heisman campaign. SOMETHING MUST GIVE.
Mississippi State at LSU
Another chance for Dan Mullen to get a win against one of the big teams in the SEC, which I think is possible against this LSU team. Unfortunately, it's in Baton Rouge and that place is to Mississippi State what Tuscaloosa is to Ole Miss. That, to you uninformed masses, means a State win has about as much chance of happening as a bone in Ed Orgeron's foot does withstanding the intensity that resides in his body. Not to worry, he was still able to fulfill his duty of meating out and jumping around like a dumbass, like this:
Week: 9-0
Season: 19-1
South Carolina 17, Georgia 6
Wait, you're telling me a redshirt freshman quarterback with zero career starts in the SEC, a defense that was seventh in the conference in total defense in 2009 and a defense that is completely changing its scheme is a serious candidate to win the SEC East? I'm sorry, I thought this was America, a place where LOGIC AND INTOLERANCE FOR CRAP PREVAILS. In case you didn't see it, Aaron Murray wasn't awful, but he essentially brought nothing to the table, or what I like to call a "non-producer." However, what was awful was Georgia's ability to tackle South Carolina running back Marcus Lattimore. Steve Spurrier, temporarily possessed by bizarro-Steve Spurrier, elected to stop throwing and run the ball without mercy because of the Georgia defense's tendency to bounce off of Lattimore.
While this no doubt resulted in several millimeters being ground off of Spurrier's teeth, it did dramatically reduce the chance that Stephen Garcia would shake off this new responsible version of himself and do his best to give the game away. Once again, Garcia played above average but did nothing spectacular, which, given the South Carolina defense's performance, he did not need to do. As I've said before, under control Garcia is very disappointing and makes South Carolina games more boring than normal. And that's a shame. Because if all of us need more of something in life, it's Stephen Garcia operating as he was born to do: WITHOUT STRUCTURE. Also, if I owned a visor, I would give a tip of it to Spurrier who proved he still can win a big game he should win.
Florida 38, South Florida 14
Question for Skip Holtz: Actually, this is more of a statement: The rules of college football do not require you to throw a certain number of passes. Observe: The Bulls averaged 6.3 yards per carry on 39 rushing attempts. Quarterback B.J. Daniels attempted 20 passes, FIVE were completed, FOUR were intercepted and ONE was caught for a touchdown. Just a thought, but as you watched Florida's offense sputter its way into another punt attempt, why was it necessary to allow B.J. Daniels the opportunity to give the ball right back to them? That crap might fly in C-USA, but this is the Big East, buddy. TIGHTEN UP.
LSU 27, Vanderbilt 3
Jordan Jefferson
8-20, 96 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT
Larry Smith
8-15, 70 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
Other than losing their hysterical blindness sometime Sunday morning, which they contracted from watching something so horrifying (or from consuming large quantities of grain alcohol), the good news for LSU fans was that they did outgain Vandy 392-135, which should secure LSU 11th place in the conference in total offense.
Alabama 24, Penn State 3
As expected, Alabama dominated from start to finish. Not as expected, a sign at GameDay that made me snort-laugh out loud: "Joe Pa fathered each cast member of the Jersey Shore." If only Paterno had brought in The Situation to inspire and offer career, relationship and woman-juggling tips, perhaps Penn State could have made things interesting.
Arkansas 31, Former Directional School 7
Oregon 48, Tennessee 13
If only the Vols could have stopped playing at the 14:21-mark in the second quarter, they would have won 13-3. Unfortunately, the remaining 44:21 had to be played and during that time Oregon scored 45 points while Tennessee scored none. Although, I suppose you could argue the Vols actually did stop playing at the 14:21-mark. It would almost be better to admit you quit because trying and getting outscored 45-0 has to be a most soul-numbing experience. There is good news, Vol fans. You, America and Derek Dooley now have visual confirmation that Matt Simms stinks, which means Tauren Poole should get 75 rushing attempts a game.
Kentucky 63, Western Kentucky 28
Mike Hartline, sir, who do you think you are? How dare you put up stats that are such a far departure from 2009. This, sir, is two straight games without an interception. You disgust me.
Ole Miss 27, Tulane 13
/checks schedule
/discovers there are 10 more games in the 2010 season
/contacts local hospital to inquire about whiskey IV solutions
Same story as last week, only Jeremiah Masoli decided to dominate when things got tight. Pass defense is still terrible, interior offensive line is now worse (guard Rishaw Johnson kicked off the team and the back-up gets hurt) and the third quarter has turned into the third quarter in the David Cutcliffe era (How in the holy hell do you, as a major college football program, not gain a SINGLE YARD OF OFFENSE in the third quarter? SONOFABITCHWEARETERRIBLE.). Unless Houston Nutt is playing an ultimate version of possum before SEC games, this team is a 2-6 SEC team. Maybe. Okay, 1-7. (Note: We are not playing possum.)
And to further stoke my fires of rage, I had to deal with Time Warner Cable's giant sack of suck and bullshit. Because Time Warner is horrible and hates its customers, they do not offer man's greatest invention, ESPN3.com. So I was forced to try to purchase ESPNClassic, which was showing the first part of the game before it switched over to ESPN2 (upon the conclusion of the Orgeon/Tennessee game). I wanted to give Time Warner money and they REFUSED TO TAKE IT. They claimed they did not recognize the account number and therefore could not provide me with whatever horseshit sports package of which ESPNClassic is a part. Instead, I was forced to listen to the Tulane radio broadcast over the Internet until the Oregon game, which took half a damn century to play the third quarter, ended. And of course that crap didn't end until about 10 minutes to go in the Ole Miss game. So the lesson here is, as always, never subscribe to Time Warner.
However, I did get to see Houston Nutt and Tyrone Nix's celebration when we ended Tulane's last series with a sack. Since when does an ugly win over a horrid team warrant a celebration like we've just locked up a spot in Atlanta? Apparently, AFTER YOU LOSE TO JACKSONVILLE STATE. But, again, NO LOSSES IN THE SEC.
/finds splotches of wool on back
GAME I DIDN'T PICK BUT DESERVES MENTION HERE
James Madison 21, Virginia Tech 16
Taste my pain, Virginia Tech! And what type of an act would it take to ban writers and coaches from placing Virginia Tech, Miami and Florida State in the preseason Top 25? Free Golden Corral? Personalized stationary? Whatever it is, let's, as a collective college football body, make this happen.
DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches
Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
37 carries, 182 yards, 2 TD
And 29 broken tackles.
ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play
Chris Relf, QB, Mississippi State
12-25, 110 yards, 0 TD, 0 INT
14 carries, 26 yards
Perhaps a little unfair because his coaches put him in situations that clearly did not suit what he does well, but as a starting quarterback, he should have made some of the throws he had open. Plus, even though Jordan Jefferson was probably worse, his team did win.
JOHN VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him
Steve Spurrier, South Carolina
The Ball Coach had a game he should win and in typical un-South Carolina fashion, he won. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come, or it's just setting up for another South Carolina collapse, complete with more false start penalties ever recorded by a team.
2010 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the season
1. Jordan Jefferson 2
Ryan Mallett 2
Jeremiah Masoli 2
4. Aaron Murray 1
Chris Relf 1
Matt Simms 1
Larry Smith 1
WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Georgia
If Arkansas is serious about winning 10 games, this is a game they have to win. If Georgia wants to not crank up a preliminary coaching search, they need to win this game. And then there's the Ryan Mallett Heisman campaign. SOMETHING MUST GIVE.
Mississippi State at LSU
Another chance for Dan Mullen to get a win against one of the big teams in the SEC, which I think is possible against this LSU team. Unfortunately, it's in Baton Rouge and that place is to Mississippi State what Tuscaloosa is to Ole Miss. That, to you uninformed masses, means a State win has about as much chance of happening as a bone in Ed Orgeron's foot does withstanding the intensity that resides in his body. Not to worry, he was still able to fulfill his duty of meating out and jumping around like a dumbass, like this:
Friday, September 10, 2010
Week Two SEC Picks
We shall dissect the Auburn/State clash of marginally inept offenses with a slightly sharp but rusty razor blade and in obnoxiously great detail, but first we need to review this week's movers and shakers in the SEC.
Texas Pete Week Two SEC Power Poll
Carefully scored by a panel of three judges, former figure skater Scott Hamilton, current Secretary of the Navy (and former Mississippi governor) Ray Mabus, and a shadowy Russian judge, this poll attempts to rank those in the SEC who are living the good life. And by that I mean should probably go buy lottery tickets in bulk. Pronto.
1. Stephen Garcia
Still atop the Power Poll, Garcia probably didn't lose his spot because it's been a week and he has not involuntarily met with law enforcement or had Steve Spurrier give a him a backhanded compliment (or just a straight up insult). If he pulls this Georgia game off, I'd expect to see him here next week as well.
2. Les Miles
Only Les Miles can get away with dominating a vastly inferior team, nearly collapse, survive the collapse, nearly collapse again and live to tell the tale a second time.
3. Joker Phillips
I have no statistics to back this up, but I would venture to guess that it's very rare for a Kentucky football coach to win his first game.
4. Cam Newton
More on him in a few more paragraphs, but first road start in a hostile environment and he passed. Not a high passing grade, but in the 75-ish neighborhood.
5. Gene Chizik
1-0 in the SEC despite having a secondary that is Shannon Sharpe-doing-NFL-highlights awful. And not having a quarterback that can throw downfield.
6. Alabama
They get a freshman quarterback in Tuscaloosa coached by a man who can't possibly be coaching right now. Plus, they just found out Auburn isn't very good.
7. Tennessee
How can you go wrong with a group that now has been schooled in proper shower discipline? DIRT BEHIND THE EARS HAS NO CHANCE.
8. Arkansas
Nothing like some stat-padding with a healthy dose of a former directional school.
9. Joker Phillips
How many Kentucky coaches have ever started out 2-0? I don't know, but let's say never, which is easily worth a second appearance in this week's poll.
10. Steve Addazio
He still has a job and was not demoted. The Urban Meyer I know through the television and Internet is not that forgiving. BUY IN BULK, STEVE, BUY IN BULK.
GAME RECAP
Auburn 17, Mississippi State 14
For organizational purposes, which will keep my thoughts from becoming more of a jumbled mess than usual, let's start with Auburn. Any talk of Auburn winning the West or winning 10 games should be promptly taken out back and shot. This is a very, very average team. Its defense can't stop the run (or at least the read option). Its secondary can't cover. And it can't throw the ball effectively, especially down the field. Cam Newton, a much more spectacular athlete than I imagined, is very good at running/eluding/doingthingsChrisToddcouldneverdo. However, he cannot throw down the field with any degree of accuracy, as evident by the few throws he did try and the complete lack of trust Auburn coaches had in him to do so.
Auburn's offense hopes and prays you blitz it on passing downs because they love to throw quick screens right in behind the blitz, but more importantly, it takes the decision-making out of the hands of Cam Newton. With a blitz, he has time to make only one throw, the one originally called. State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz spent most of the first half blitzing off the corner in passing downs, instantly creating numbers for Auburn on the outside. As a result, two Cam Newton touchdown passes. In the second half, he stopped blitzing as much and when he did it came from right up the middle with his linebackers, which dared Newton to throw it there and he didn't, save for a completed pass near midfield in the 3rd quarter and an incomplete pass to Kodi Burns INTERFERENCE NOT CALLED late in the fourth quarter.
If you're still reading, we're moving on to Mississippi State. First, let's hand out a big, fat D- to Dan Mullen for this coaching performance. I had no problem with him playing Tyler Russell in the first half. It gave him a chance to see how Russell responded to a big game atmosphere and an SEC defense. However, after seeing him in the first half, he should have known Russell didn't need to see the second half, especially after Chris Relf led a dominating drive to open the third quarter. And even more improbably, after Relf comes off that 12-play, 63-yard touchdown drive in which he was involved in 10 plays, Mullen rolls the dice with an onsides kick, gets it, then chose to throw three straight passes of at least ten yards with a quarterback whose effective range is at five yards down the field. The touchdown drive saw a perfect blend of that wide receiver screen State ran so well, a roll-out pass, a play-action pass and a few rushes. Why in the hell he didn't immediately go back to that makes no sense.
After that three and out, Russell came in for the next two series and ran six plays that totaled nine yards of offense (5 passes, 1 rush). By not taking advantage of Auburn's reeling defense at that point in the game, Mullen was forced into a five-wide set with Chris Relf needing to lead a passing drive for a tying field goal or winning touchdown. The dropped pass on 2nd and 10 that would have put them in field goal range was a killer, but it should have never come to that.
As for the Bulldog defense, someone inform Manny Diaz he is allowed to play with linebackers that run faster than me getting out of bed in the morning. The majority of Auburn's offensive plays came on the outside or off the tackle because no linebacker could get out there (most notably #50, who I'm sure means well, but he stinks). We still don't know much about State's secondary considering they weren't really tested, but they did manage to intercept one deep ball and were in position to intercept another and run it back for a touchdown.
As a whole, it was a game State could have won. Less Tyler Russell, less passing, more Chris Relf, more rushing and a less aggressive defense probably would have done the trick. And if I were State, I'd also be a little concerned that so far there is no effective running back that can take the burden of running off Relf. I'm not sure he can survive an entire season taking as many hits and exerting as much energy as he does.
ARE YOU FINALLY DONE? Yes, mercifully. Let's move on.
THE PICKS
Last week: 10-1
Season: 10-1
Georgia at South Carolina
Am I casting my lot with Stephen Garcia for a very important conference game? YOU CAN BET YOUR BRITCHES I AM. Anytime I can pick against a redshirt freshman on the road in his second college start, no matter the unpredictability of one Stephen Garcia and South Carolina in general, I make that pick. And if Steve Spurrier has any coaching ability left, he wins this game.
South Florida at Florida
Will Florida score more points than fumbled/botched snaps? Will they have five more total yards than points entering the fourth quarter? Skip Holtz strikes me as an upset-minded bastard, but until I see someone not named Houston Nutt pull off a win that makes no sense, I will take the Gators.
LSU at Vanderbilt
Worst quarterback matchup of the weekend? Jordan Jefferson and Larry Smith say yes. I look for one of these two to make a move in the standings of the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. I'll take LSU to win and advise America to do everything you can not to watch this game.
Penn State at Alabama
All I want out of you, Alabama fan industrious enough to get up early to get on GameDay, is a correctly spelled, highly amusing sign that will cause me to at the very least cackle out loud. Alabama wins.
Former Directional School at Arkansas (in Little Rock)
How about Craig James tonight spending the first 20 minutes of the telecast calling Dan Mullen "Dan Mullens?" Preparation, general awareness and less assholeness are overrated.
Oregon at Tennessee
Bolstered by proper shower discipline, Tennessee will at least avoid any nasty infections or body odor heading into and after this game. Not sure if that helps during the actual game, but after Oregon smashes them into a fine paste, they'll be able to adequately clean themselves after the game.
Western Kentucky at Kentucky
THE MAN IS EVERYWHERE!
Ole Miss at Tulane
Even better news for the Rebels today, as starting right guard Rishaw Johnson was dismissed for the always popular crutch, "violation of team rules." This leaves Ole Miss with something just shy of the Pu-Pu Platter starting at both guard spots and center. Should it matter against Tulane? Not unless this somehow makes the defense even worse. WHICH IT COULD. I'll take the Rebels (it's embarrassing I even need to clarify who I"m taking here), but even if they lose, we're still UNDEFEATED in the SEC.
Texas Pete Week Two SEC Power Poll
Carefully scored by a panel of three judges, former figure skater Scott Hamilton, current Secretary of the Navy (and former Mississippi governor) Ray Mabus, and a shadowy Russian judge, this poll attempts to rank those in the SEC who are living the good life. And by that I mean should probably go buy lottery tickets in bulk. Pronto.
1. Stephen Garcia
Still atop the Power Poll, Garcia probably didn't lose his spot because it's been a week and he has not involuntarily met with law enforcement or had Steve Spurrier give a him a backhanded compliment (or just a straight up insult). If he pulls this Georgia game off, I'd expect to see him here next week as well.
2. Les Miles
Only Les Miles can get away with dominating a vastly inferior team, nearly collapse, survive the collapse, nearly collapse again and live to tell the tale a second time.
3. Joker Phillips
I have no statistics to back this up, but I would venture to guess that it's very rare for a Kentucky football coach to win his first game.
4. Cam Newton
More on him in a few more paragraphs, but first road start in a hostile environment and he passed. Not a high passing grade, but in the 75-ish neighborhood.
5. Gene Chizik
1-0 in the SEC despite having a secondary that is Shannon Sharpe-doing-NFL-highlights awful. And not having a quarterback that can throw downfield.
6. Alabama
They get a freshman quarterback in Tuscaloosa coached by a man who can't possibly be coaching right now. Plus, they just found out Auburn isn't very good.
7. Tennessee
How can you go wrong with a group that now has been schooled in proper shower discipline? DIRT BEHIND THE EARS HAS NO CHANCE.
8. Arkansas
Nothing like some stat-padding with a healthy dose of a former directional school.
9. Joker Phillips
How many Kentucky coaches have ever started out 2-0? I don't know, but let's say never, which is easily worth a second appearance in this week's poll.
10. Steve Addazio
He still has a job and was not demoted. The Urban Meyer I know through the television and Internet is not that forgiving. BUY IN BULK, STEVE, BUY IN BULK.
GAME RECAP
Auburn 17, Mississippi State 14
For organizational purposes, which will keep my thoughts from becoming more of a jumbled mess than usual, let's start with Auburn. Any talk of Auburn winning the West or winning 10 games should be promptly taken out back and shot. This is a very, very average team. Its defense can't stop the run (or at least the read option). Its secondary can't cover. And it can't throw the ball effectively, especially down the field. Cam Newton, a much more spectacular athlete than I imagined, is very good at running/eluding/doingthingsChrisToddcouldneverdo. However, he cannot throw down the field with any degree of accuracy, as evident by the few throws he did try and the complete lack of trust Auburn coaches had in him to do so.
Auburn's offense hopes and prays you blitz it on passing downs because they love to throw quick screens right in behind the blitz, but more importantly, it takes the decision-making out of the hands of Cam Newton. With a blitz, he has time to make only one throw, the one originally called. State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz spent most of the first half blitzing off the corner in passing downs, instantly creating numbers for Auburn on the outside. As a result, two Cam Newton touchdown passes. In the second half, he stopped blitzing as much and when he did it came from right up the middle with his linebackers, which dared Newton to throw it there and he didn't, save for a completed pass near midfield in the 3rd quarter and an incomplete pass to Kodi Burns INTERFERENCE NOT CALLED late in the fourth quarter.
If you're still reading, we're moving on to Mississippi State. First, let's hand out a big, fat D- to Dan Mullen for this coaching performance. I had no problem with him playing Tyler Russell in the first half. It gave him a chance to see how Russell responded to a big game atmosphere and an SEC defense. However, after seeing him in the first half, he should have known Russell didn't need to see the second half, especially after Chris Relf led a dominating drive to open the third quarter. And even more improbably, after Relf comes off that 12-play, 63-yard touchdown drive in which he was involved in 10 plays, Mullen rolls the dice with an onsides kick, gets it, then chose to throw three straight passes of at least ten yards with a quarterback whose effective range is at five yards down the field. The touchdown drive saw a perfect blend of that wide receiver screen State ran so well, a roll-out pass, a play-action pass and a few rushes. Why in the hell he didn't immediately go back to that makes no sense.
After that three and out, Russell came in for the next two series and ran six plays that totaled nine yards of offense (5 passes, 1 rush). By not taking advantage of Auburn's reeling defense at that point in the game, Mullen was forced into a five-wide set with Chris Relf needing to lead a passing drive for a tying field goal or winning touchdown. The dropped pass on 2nd and 10 that would have put them in field goal range was a killer, but it should have never come to that.
As for the Bulldog defense, someone inform Manny Diaz he is allowed to play with linebackers that run faster than me getting out of bed in the morning. The majority of Auburn's offensive plays came on the outside or off the tackle because no linebacker could get out there (most notably #50, who I'm sure means well, but he stinks). We still don't know much about State's secondary considering they weren't really tested, but they did manage to intercept one deep ball and were in position to intercept another and run it back for a touchdown.
As a whole, it was a game State could have won. Less Tyler Russell, less passing, more Chris Relf, more rushing and a less aggressive defense probably would have done the trick. And if I were State, I'd also be a little concerned that so far there is no effective running back that can take the burden of running off Relf. I'm not sure he can survive an entire season taking as many hits and exerting as much energy as he does.
ARE YOU FINALLY DONE? Yes, mercifully. Let's move on.
THE PICKS
Last week: 10-1
Season: 10-1
Georgia at South Carolina
Am I casting my lot with Stephen Garcia for a very important conference game? YOU CAN BET YOUR BRITCHES I AM. Anytime I can pick against a redshirt freshman on the road in his second college start, no matter the unpredictability of one Stephen Garcia and South Carolina in general, I make that pick. And if Steve Spurrier has any coaching ability left, he wins this game.
South Florida at Florida
Will Florida score more points than fumbled/botched snaps? Will they have five more total yards than points entering the fourth quarter? Skip Holtz strikes me as an upset-minded bastard, but until I see someone not named Houston Nutt pull off a win that makes no sense, I will take the Gators.
LSU at Vanderbilt
Worst quarterback matchup of the weekend? Jordan Jefferson and Larry Smith say yes. I look for one of these two to make a move in the standings of the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. I'll take LSU to win and advise America to do everything you can not to watch this game.
Penn State at Alabama
All I want out of you, Alabama fan industrious enough to get up early to get on GameDay, is a correctly spelled, highly amusing sign that will cause me to at the very least cackle out loud. Alabama wins.
Former Directional School at Arkansas (in Little Rock)
How about Craig James tonight spending the first 20 minutes of the telecast calling Dan Mullen "Dan Mullens?" Preparation, general awareness and less assholeness are overrated.
Oregon at Tennessee
Bolstered by proper shower discipline, Tennessee will at least avoid any nasty infections or body odor heading into and after this game. Not sure if that helps during the actual game, but after Oregon smashes them into a fine paste, they'll be able to adequately clean themselves after the game.
Western Kentucky at Kentucky
THE MAN IS EVERYWHERE!
Ole Miss at Tulane
Even better news for the Rebels today, as starting right guard Rishaw Johnson was dismissed for the always popular crutch, "violation of team rules." This leaves Ole Miss with something just shy of the Pu-Pu Platter starting at both guard spots and center. Should it matter against Tulane? Not unless this somehow makes the defense even worse. WHICH IT COULD. I'll take the Rebels (it's embarrassing I even need to clarify who I"m taking here), but even if they lose, we're still UNDEFEATED in the SEC.
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Important Storylines With Which to Familiarize Yourself So You'll Know What the ESPN Crew is Talking About During Tonight's Game Because They'll Spend Large Chunks of It Talking About Other Things
STORYLINES RELATED TO THE GAME
Cam Newton, last seen at the Egg Bowl ringing a cowbell on the field after the game, makes his return to Starkville
Hailed as the next great Bulldog quarterback (actually, make that "first" great quarterback) by State fans, Cam Newton eventually crushed their hopes and signed with Auburn. Branded "a piece of shit" by many, Newton is already being greeted well to quite well in Starkville.
I'm sure if State fans had the religious zealot death-zeal of Arkansas fans, they'd have already found his cell phone number and be giving him the DeMarcus Cousins treatment. But with probably more hate and racial slurs. Anyway, Cam Newton will be under a lot of pressure both State and Auburn fans.
Tyler Russell and Chris Relf face their first defense that probably ranks slightly above "putrid"
Against Memphis, the two combined for 372 yards of passing and 5 touchdowns (1 INT), which is Jacksonville State-upsets-Ole-Miss stunning. However, Auburn, while a terrible team against the pass (101st in 2009 against the pass and gave up 323 to the Arkansas State Red Wolves to open this season), is probably not as awful as Memphis. How much less awful is up for debate. If Relf and Russell can throw effectively with success, State could rampage through Auburn. Conversely, new Mississippi State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz oversaw the 87th ranked defense in America in 2009 while at Middle Tennessee State. I may be jinxing this, but I feel good about avoiding the 3-2 flaming three-wheeled covered wagon of horror we watched inch across our television screens in 2008 when the game was last in Starkville.
(For the sake of my weekly picks, I shall side with Auburn. A 5-7 team with a new quarterback versus an 8-4 team with a new quarterback. While State certainly has plenty of momentum, consider this list of Dan Mullen victories: Jackson State, Vanderbilt, MTSU, Kentucky, Ole Miss and Memphis. Until he beats one of the big schools, I'll side with the big schools.)
STORYLINES UNRELATED TO THE GAME (60% of broadcast material will come from here)
A.J. Green suspended for the next three games for selling one of his jerseys (4 games total)
There is a clear NCAA rule that forbids players from selling merchandise they receive from their school. It's understood that when you go to college to play college athletics, you forfeit your right to make money off your name. It's brutally unfair, but thems the rules. So in this incident, the NCAA was able to interpret the rule book as it is and did not have to make something up to achieve their desired result (suspension). What is truly ridiculous is that the NCAA is still allowed to throw out random numbers for games suspension. Allegedly, Green sold his jersey to an agent-ish person for $1,000. Suspended Alabama defensive lineman Marcell Dareus got $2,000 in benefits for a trip to Miami and will miss only two games, which makes perfect sense. You see, of the four people that work for the NCAA, the number four was the favorite number of employee #2 and it was his week to use that favorite number in any way he saw fit.
Alabama's Mark Ingram will most likely not play against Penn State
Without him, Alabama really struggled to run against San Jose State, accumulating only 257 yards.
Derek Dooley unimpressed, not with Tennessee's offense, but their SHOWER DISCIPLINE
I'm sorry, I though you said "shower discipline." It's true, shower discipline. Granted, I have not spent a considerable amount of time in community showers, but I feel like there are three simple rules to maintaining proper shower discipline:
1. Eyes up. Let's not make this weirder than it already is.
2. No popping those in the shower with wet towels. Unless your name is Ace Ventura and you're looking for Ray Finkle.
3. No peeing in the shower while someone else is in there. I'm pro-shower peeing, but no one wants to be in a room where another human's pee is out in the open. Now if the showers are blocked off by stalls, then pee freely.
To be fair, Dooley was addressing proper washing technique and towel usage to prevent staph infections. Technique and usage most of us learned by age nine through a teacher known as common sense.
But if Tennessee's shower discipline was that sloppy, what was shower time like under Lane Kiffin? Was it like Any Given Sunday when they throw that live alligator in the shower? Did Ed Orgeron stalk around in there ready to towel-pop anyone who took longer than 42 seconds? Did the place clear out like it was on fire when Monte Kiffin rolled in? THE HORROR OF OLD MAN NAKEDNESS. I'm beginning to wonder if the only rule Kiffin enforced (other than "no eye contact, gentlemen") was that teammates were not allowed to throw feces at one another.
Reggie Bush cares as much about losing his Heisman as the majority of America cares about who wins the Heisman
Who's looking forward to this year's popularity contest? Anyone? No? Okay. No one it is.
If Les Miles survives 2010, he'll have another opportunity to showcase his ability to scare the hell out of his fans while still winning on opening weekend
Oregon will meet LSU in Cowboys Stadium to open the 2011 season for both teams. Whenever Les Miles can display his game-mangling skills before a national television audience, you'll have my full support.
Cam Newton, last seen at the Egg Bowl ringing a cowbell on the field after the game, makes his return to Starkville
Hailed as the next great Bulldog quarterback (actually, make that "first" great quarterback) by State fans, Cam Newton eventually crushed their hopes and signed with Auburn. Branded "a piece of shit" by many, Newton is already being greeted well to quite well in Starkville.
I'm sure if State fans had the religious zealot death-zeal of Arkansas fans, they'd have already found his cell phone number and be giving him the DeMarcus Cousins treatment. But with probably more hate and racial slurs. Anyway, Cam Newton will be under a lot of pressure both State and Auburn fans.
Tyler Russell and Chris Relf face their first defense that probably ranks slightly above "putrid"
Against Memphis, the two combined for 372 yards of passing and 5 touchdowns (1 INT), which is Jacksonville State-upsets-Ole-Miss stunning. However, Auburn, while a terrible team against the pass (101st in 2009 against the pass and gave up 323 to the Arkansas State Red Wolves to open this season), is probably not as awful as Memphis. How much less awful is up for debate. If Relf and Russell can throw effectively with success, State could rampage through Auburn. Conversely, new Mississippi State defensive coordinator Manny Diaz oversaw the 87th ranked defense in America in 2009 while at Middle Tennessee State. I may be jinxing this, but I feel good about avoiding the 3-2 flaming three-wheeled covered wagon of horror we watched inch across our television screens in 2008 when the game was last in Starkville.
(For the sake of my weekly picks, I shall side with Auburn. A 5-7 team with a new quarterback versus an 8-4 team with a new quarterback. While State certainly has plenty of momentum, consider this list of Dan Mullen victories: Jackson State, Vanderbilt, MTSU, Kentucky, Ole Miss and Memphis. Until he beats one of the big schools, I'll side with the big schools.)
STORYLINES UNRELATED TO THE GAME (60% of broadcast material will come from here)
A.J. Green suspended for the next three games for selling one of his jerseys (4 games total)
There is a clear NCAA rule that forbids players from selling merchandise they receive from their school. It's understood that when you go to college to play college athletics, you forfeit your right to make money off your name. It's brutally unfair, but thems the rules. So in this incident, the NCAA was able to interpret the rule book as it is and did not have to make something up to achieve their desired result (suspension). What is truly ridiculous is that the NCAA is still allowed to throw out random numbers for games suspension. Allegedly, Green sold his jersey to an agent-ish person for $1,000. Suspended Alabama defensive lineman Marcell Dareus got $2,000 in benefits for a trip to Miami and will miss only two games, which makes perfect sense. You see, of the four people that work for the NCAA, the number four was the favorite number of employee #2 and it was his week to use that favorite number in any way he saw fit.
Alabama's Mark Ingram will most likely not play against Penn State
Without him, Alabama really struggled to run against San Jose State, accumulating only 257 yards.
Derek Dooley unimpressed, not with Tennessee's offense, but their SHOWER DISCIPLINE
I'm sorry, I though you said "shower discipline." It's true, shower discipline. Granted, I have not spent a considerable amount of time in community showers, but I feel like there are three simple rules to maintaining proper shower discipline:
1. Eyes up. Let's not make this weirder than it already is.
2. No popping those in the shower with wet towels. Unless your name is Ace Ventura and you're looking for Ray Finkle.
3. No peeing in the shower while someone else is in there. I'm pro-shower peeing, but no one wants to be in a room where another human's pee is out in the open. Now if the showers are blocked off by stalls, then pee freely.
To be fair, Dooley was addressing proper washing technique and towel usage to prevent staph infections. Technique and usage most of us learned by age nine through a teacher known as common sense.
But if Tennessee's shower discipline was that sloppy, what was shower time like under Lane Kiffin? Was it like Any Given Sunday when they throw that live alligator in the shower? Did Ed Orgeron stalk around in there ready to towel-pop anyone who took longer than 42 seconds? Did the place clear out like it was on fire when Monte Kiffin rolled in? THE HORROR OF OLD MAN NAKEDNESS. I'm beginning to wonder if the only rule Kiffin enforced (other than "no eye contact, gentlemen") was that teammates were not allowed to throw feces at one another.
Reggie Bush cares as much about losing his Heisman as the majority of America cares about who wins the Heisman
Who's looking forward to this year's popularity contest? Anyone? No? Okay. No one it is.
If Les Miles survives 2010, he'll have another opportunity to showcase his ability to scare the hell out of his fans while still winning on opening weekend
Oregon will meet LSU in Cowboys Stadium to open the 2011 season for both teams. Whenever Les Miles can display his game-mangling skills before a national television audience, you'll have my full support.
Wednesday, September 08, 2010
New Ole Miss Mascot Options
If you've been paying attention to Ole Miss in the news over the past few months (yes, we are the school that also just lost to Jacksonville State), you'd know that student government type people and administrators at Ole Miss seem hell bent on giving the University of Mississippi what it really needs. No, it's not a unified community, massive pledge drive for athletics or anything remotely useful, but a mascot to put on the field so the seven people who give a shit about this will finally shut the hell up.
You may recall the initial list released to the public for further consideration. If you don't want to click the link (because I know how much work that is), I'll summarize: The list included multiple forms of Muppets, a lion, a land shark, a bear and some other stuff stolen from other teams. The list has since been narrowed further to only include a land shark, bear, lion, horse and our very own ambiguously gay duo, Hotty and Toddy. Of those five, one will become the new Ole Miss mascot. And let me add, mark it down, Hotty and Toddy will win because Ole Miss cannot and will not ever get out of its own damn way.
While some of the finalists are not terrible ideas, they do not represent the true spirit of Ole Miss, or, more importantly, what it's like to be an Ole Miss fan. As always, I'm here to help the people (note: not poor people) and have a few ideas to submit for late consideration. I feel as if these ideas do a better job of capturing, nay, bottling for drink the emotions that so many Ole Miss fans experience when watching their Rebels compete in the field of athletics.
A Yo-Yo
Up, down, left, right, around the world, walking the dog. These are what happen to your mental state when you watch Ole Miss play in any sport, even something like women's riflery (if you attended one of these shoot-offs or whatever, I'm sure you'd either get shot or see someone else get shot). Nothing involved with Ole Miss athletics is a smooth or, gasp, an ascending line. It's one constant state of getting jerked around. Things going a little too well? I hope you didn't just get whiplash from being snapped back into the suck. Is this 31-13 lead going into the fourth quarter a little too conventional? How about a 49-48 double overtime loss trick?
A Seesaw
Fairly self-explanatory. One minute your up, the next your down. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Try that out 11 or 12 Saturdays in the Fall for the past 20 years. Nausea, disgust and a sore ass are the common side effects. And notice that the Ole Miss seesaw has no handles, MAKING IT EVEN MORE DANGEROUS.
The Oxygen Cycle
Almost any cycle would work here, but I found this depiction both color-friendly and incredibly inexpensively done, which is right in Ole Miss' wheelhouse. Essentially, what happens with Ole Miss teams is that they build up your hope, through either preseason hype, the other team sucking heading into the game or strong enough play that it leads you to believe they can pull off an upset. Then, of course, those hopes are crushed like Eastern European revolts during Soviet dominance. So you swear them off, saying you'll watch but no longer be as emotionally invested as you once were. But nature keeps cranking, and you'll be pulled back in emotionally and slammed once again with more disappointment. And you'll keep doing it as long as oxygen flows through your lungs.
Venus Flytrap
"Hey, this looks like a pretty safe place to be. Ooooh, look how enjoyable it looks in there. This looks fun, we should definitely stop here."
DEAD.
Stockholm Syndrome
"At first, I hated you, but the way you criminally abuse my emotions, I gotta say, I LIKE IT. Remember how you lost to a I-AA team in double overtime? Can you please do that again? Why, of course I'll beg! Please, please, please, please, please do it again! Ooooohhhhh. That was good. Wait, where are you going? DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I NEED YOU, DAMMIT!"
This is the only rational explanation as to why we Ole Miss fans keep coming back. Any person not held captive by this emotional abuser can see we're all idiots for sticking around. But Ole Miss has firmly sunk its claws into something buried in my DNA and I am powerless to fight it. It's Wednesday and I already miss it so damn much. Do I want to watch this team play football anytime soon? A thousand times NO, but only .5% of me realizes that. The other 99.5% recognizes that I better damn well find out what channel ESPN Classic is for the Tulane game. And screw you, ESPN for starting our game on Classic then switching it to ESPN2 after the Tennessee/Oregon game is over. How dare you make me work to watch television.
And yes, the physical mascot would be a blob with the Wikipedia page information printed on it.
You may recall the initial list released to the public for further consideration. If you don't want to click the link (because I know how much work that is), I'll summarize: The list included multiple forms of Muppets, a lion, a land shark, a bear and some other stuff stolen from other teams. The list has since been narrowed further to only include a land shark, bear, lion, horse and our very own ambiguously gay duo, Hotty and Toddy. Of those five, one will become the new Ole Miss mascot. And let me add, mark it down, Hotty and Toddy will win because Ole Miss cannot and will not ever get out of its own damn way.
While some of the finalists are not terrible ideas, they do not represent the true spirit of Ole Miss, or, more importantly, what it's like to be an Ole Miss fan. As always, I'm here to help the people (note: not poor people) and have a few ideas to submit for late consideration. I feel as if these ideas do a better job of capturing, nay, bottling for drink the emotions that so many Ole Miss fans experience when watching their Rebels compete in the field of athletics.
A Yo-Yo
Up, down, left, right, around the world, walking the dog. These are what happen to your mental state when you watch Ole Miss play in any sport, even something like women's riflery (if you attended one of these shoot-offs or whatever, I'm sure you'd either get shot or see someone else get shot). Nothing involved with Ole Miss athletics is a smooth or, gasp, an ascending line. It's one constant state of getting jerked around. Things going a little too well? I hope you didn't just get whiplash from being snapped back into the suck. Is this 31-13 lead going into the fourth quarter a little too conventional? How about a 49-48 double overtime loss trick?
A Seesaw
Fairly self-explanatory. One minute your up, the next your down. Up, down, up, down, up, down. Try that out 11 or 12 Saturdays in the Fall for the past 20 years. Nausea, disgust and a sore ass are the common side effects. And notice that the Ole Miss seesaw has no handles, MAKING IT EVEN MORE DANGEROUS.
The Oxygen Cycle
Almost any cycle would work here, but I found this depiction both color-friendly and incredibly inexpensively done, which is right in Ole Miss' wheelhouse. Essentially, what happens with Ole Miss teams is that they build up your hope, through either preseason hype, the other team sucking heading into the game or strong enough play that it leads you to believe they can pull off an upset. Then, of course, those hopes are crushed like Eastern European revolts during Soviet dominance. So you swear them off, saying you'll watch but no longer be as emotionally invested as you once were. But nature keeps cranking, and you'll be pulled back in emotionally and slammed once again with more disappointment. And you'll keep doing it as long as oxygen flows through your lungs.
Venus Flytrap
"Hey, this looks like a pretty safe place to be. Ooooh, look how enjoyable it looks in there. This looks fun, we should definitely stop here."
DEAD.
Stockholm Syndrome
"At first, I hated you, but the way you criminally abuse my emotions, I gotta say, I LIKE IT. Remember how you lost to a I-AA team in double overtime? Can you please do that again? Why, of course I'll beg! Please, please, please, please, please do it again! Ooooohhhhh. That was good. Wait, where are you going? DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! I NEED YOU, DAMMIT!"
This is the only rational explanation as to why we Ole Miss fans keep coming back. Any person not held captive by this emotional abuser can see we're all idiots for sticking around. But Ole Miss has firmly sunk its claws into something buried in my DNA and I am powerless to fight it. It's Wednesday and I already miss it so damn much. Do I want to watch this team play football anytime soon? A thousand times NO, but only .5% of me realizes that. The other 99.5% recognizes that I better damn well find out what channel ESPN Classic is for the Tulane game. And screw you, ESPN for starting our game on Classic then switching it to ESPN2 after the Tennessee/Oregon game is over. How dare you make me work to watch television.
And yes, the physical mascot would be a blob with the Wikipedia page information printed on it.
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