On Saturday, the 136th Kentucky Derby will be run at Churchill Downs (I know, I forgot to write it down in my calendar too. It sort of slips up on you. Small aside at the beginning of an introductory paragraph: Do the people in charge of this event randomly select a spring weekend each year or is there a set date, like the last weekend in April? Because I have no idea. I feel like the Kentucky Derby is something that should be embedded in my mental calendar but never is. Additional aside: While I have never been to the Kentucky Derby, I have been to Churchill Downs. It's a long story involving an incredibly insane explanation of our family vacations when I was growing up. And as much as horse racing doesn't really appeal to me, I would thoroughly enjoy attending this thing at least once in my life. Let's see...yes, end of asides.). So, with the spirit of horse racing coursing through my veins, I did some checking around and found that most all of the coaches in the SEC dabble in horse racing, many of them owning multiple horses. Though none of their horses made the field at Churchill Downs, I'm sure many will be appearing in a buggy race at a county fair near you.
(Given the title of this post, you can now rest easy since the following is not a lengthy list of players on which I have a giant man-crush, although that list will come in due time.)
Your coaches and their horses:
Nick Saban
Shitstorm
Accountability
No Sleep in T-Town
Houston Nutt
Controlled Chaos
Awesome Responsibility
Coach Frank Broyles
Dan Mullen
Horse from the School Down South
Cam Newton How Dare You
I'm Available to Talk
Les Miles
YYYAHHHHHH!!!
Fourth Downs Are Easy
SDF)()S&SKLVCN>SDl!!!!
Bobby Petrino
The Hessians Are My People
Forget About Atlanta
Opt Out
Gene Chizik
Left My Losing in Ames
Friend of Jay Jacobs
Gus is Alright
Urban Meyer
Addazio the Figurehead
Fast, Faster, Fastest
Jeremy Fowler Sucks
Derek Dooley
Callin' Ruston
Doctor Coach Speak
Joker Phillips
Finally
Old Man Picked Up His Golf Clubs
Steve Spurrier
Gonna Throw It Around
Stephen, What the Hell?
Ain't Got Time for This
Bobby Johnson
None
("Horse racing is the work of the devil. Get off my football field.")
Mark Richt
None
(Sold his horses for a quarterback.)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Get to Know Your SEC Football Players
In a never-ending quest to seek as much information as my brain can store, it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number they give me.
Today's number: 96
Today's team: Kentucky
#96 Collins Ukwu, DE, Kentucky
Also in more active, larger and hidden form, chasing quarterback Morgan Newton:
Some background information: A redshirt sophomore heading into the 2010 season, Collins saw the field on the field in all 13 games last year, starting three of them. Also, his name is pronounced "OOk-woo," which is extremely fun to say. Sort of sounds like an Ewok word if anyone could understand just what the hell those things say.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: I call it a tie: He had one sack against Florida (not the one that knocked out Tim Tebow) and three games in which he had three tackles.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: While redshirting his freshman year, he was named scout team player of the week three times. While those performances took place on a field, technically they did not occur on the real field. Plus, I could find nothing else on him.
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: Collins has walked nothing but the straight and narrow.
Strengths: Athleticism, speed and plays hard according to his coach, Joker Philips. From a spring practice report, "Collins Ukwu is leading with the way he has been playing. He is playing full speed and playing fast..."
Weaknesses: Lack of experience, the rest of the defense isn't very good and from that same spring practice report, "...he is not a communicator or a big talker. We need a guy who is going to step up and be a guy that grabs them by the throat and gets them back in the huddle for us and get them rallied up when things aren’t going good."
What to expect in 2010: From my 10 minutes of research, it appears that Collins will be a major contributor next season. It doesn't sound like he'll start every game, but will play in passing situations and is being counted on for solid depth in Kentucky's defensive end rotation. I know "solid depth" and "Kentucky" probably don't belong in the same sentence without use of the phrase "lack of," but I'll give the Wildcats a break since it's only April. So on the rare occasions Kentucky's defense creates a third and long for their opponent, look for number 96 on your television. And if Kentucky makes it to a 2:30 CBS telecast, be prepared to enjoy the pipes of Verne Lundquist putting forth the sound of "OOk-woo."
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number they give me.
Today's number: 96
Today's team: Kentucky
#96 Collins Ukwu, DE, Kentucky
Also in more active, larger and hidden form, chasing quarterback Morgan Newton:
Some background information: A redshirt sophomore heading into the 2010 season, Collins saw the field on the field in all 13 games last year, starting three of them. Also, his name is pronounced "OOk-woo," which is extremely fun to say. Sort of sounds like an Ewok word if anyone could understand just what the hell those things say.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: I call it a tie: He had one sack against Florida (not the one that knocked out Tim Tebow) and three games in which he had three tackles.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: While redshirting his freshman year, he was named scout team player of the week three times. While those performances took place on a field, technically they did not occur on the real field. Plus, I could find nothing else on him.
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: Collins has walked nothing but the straight and narrow.
Strengths: Athleticism, speed and plays hard according to his coach, Joker Philips. From a spring practice report, "Collins Ukwu is leading with the way he has been playing. He is playing full speed and playing fast..."
Weaknesses: Lack of experience, the rest of the defense isn't very good and from that same spring practice report, "...he is not a communicator or a big talker. We need a guy who is going to step up and be a guy that grabs them by the throat and gets them back in the huddle for us and get them rallied up when things aren’t going good."
What to expect in 2010: From my 10 minutes of research, it appears that Collins will be a major contributor next season. It doesn't sound like he'll start every game, but will play in passing situations and is being counted on for solid depth in Kentucky's defensive end rotation. I know "solid depth" and "Kentucky" probably don't belong in the same sentence without use of the phrase "lack of," but I'll give the Wildcats a break since it's only April. So on the rare occasions Kentucky's defense creates a third and long for their opponent, look for number 96 on your television. And if Kentucky makes it to a 2:30 CBS telecast, be prepared to enjoy the pipes of Verne Lundquist putting forth the sound of "OOk-woo."
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Spring Fashions in the SEC
Long gone is the era of college football coaches donning ties and sports coats while stalking the sidelines in 90-degree temperatures and 60% humidity. A smart decision? Probably. A classy one? Absolutely not. Instead of coaching 18 to 22-year-olds while looking like their wives dressed them for an engagement party or graduation ceremony, most coaches now opt for the standard "coaches' shirt", which is easily duplicated and sold to the schools' masses for $50. It's a fast way to make money, but it creates a more soulless and generic sideline. Different colors, school logo on the left chest and a Nike/Adidas/Under Armour logo stamped somewhere. It's all the same shirt (What the hell happened to Reebok? Remember when there was a legitimate question as to who would rule the sports apparel world, Nike or Reebok? I'm pretty sure the only place you can get Reeboks now is in Radio Shacks.).
But just maybe 2010 will be different. Sure, all the coaches will be wearing a version of the same shirt, but this year's model could have some personality. In order to find out, The Belly of the Beast sent fashion correspondents to all 12 SEC schools' spring games to get a taste of what we might see in the fall. Here's what we found...
Mark Richt
Coach Richt is wearing the latest from Nike. The black stripes on the sleeves are a memorial to the steady stream of quarterbacks that no longer want to play at Georgia.
Derek Dooley
Coach Dooley wears the latest "Trash Bag" shirt from Adidas. It is a constant reminder to him and his coaching staff of exactly where the Tennessee football program lies right now. It also doubles as a motivational tool.
Houston Nutt
Coach Nutt is trying out Nike's latest "Weird, Shirtless Old Guy Walking Down the Beach" straw hat. He also is wearing lightweight windsuit pants from Nike in case he needs to spring into action to offer some hands-on coaching to his untested quarterbacks.
Dan Mullen
Coach Mullen's latest from Adidas screams "Choosing a quarterback is hard! I should just have them wrestle for the starting job!"
Les Miles
Coach Miles has not changed clothes since he arrived in Baton Rouge. Although he has placed a request to Nike to create a hat that sits higher on his head and pants that come up to just below his nipples.
Urban Meyer
Coach Meyer is wearing Nike's 2009 windbreaker, but the 2010 Nike pen (with strap) tied securely around his neck allows him to write thoughts down as they occur faster than ever before.
Joker Philips
Coach Philips is wearing Nike's 2007 line of coaching gear. Kentucky's athletic department decided that all money spent on athletic wear should go directly to the basketball program where it can be used to purchase new uniforms and new players to fill those uniforms. Billy Gillispie only used the money for booze and fish sandwiches from Captain D's. His successor, John Calipari has begun properly using the money.
Bobby Petrino
Coach Petrino enjoys the latest from Nike after Arkansas made the switch from Adidas. He finds Nike products to be more comfortable and less likely to fall apart in key coaching situations.
Bobby Johnson
Coach Johnson is wearing "whatever Nike stuff I found in that big box in my office closet. Now get off my football field."
Gene Chizik
Coach Chizik is wearing the latest from Under Armour. For the fall of 2010, he hopes to add a tiger tail coming out of the back and some paw prints on the front.
Steve Spurrier
Too. Mesmerized. By. The. Awesomeness.
Nick Saban
Coach Saban is wearing the latest from Saban-Wear because "THAT'S WHAT NICK $#*@&!% SABAN WEARS! IT'S BLUE BECAUSE I LIKE BLUE! IT BRINGS OUT THE SOFTNESS IN MY EYES! I JUST WON THE BCS TITLE SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!"
But just maybe 2010 will be different. Sure, all the coaches will be wearing a version of the same shirt, but this year's model could have some personality. In order to find out, The Belly of the Beast sent fashion correspondents to all 12 SEC schools' spring games to get a taste of what we might see in the fall. Here's what we found...
Mark Richt
Coach Richt is wearing the latest from Nike. The black stripes on the sleeves are a memorial to the steady stream of quarterbacks that no longer want to play at Georgia.
Derek Dooley
Coach Dooley wears the latest "Trash Bag" shirt from Adidas. It is a constant reminder to him and his coaching staff of exactly where the Tennessee football program lies right now. It also doubles as a motivational tool.
Houston Nutt
Coach Nutt is trying out Nike's latest "Weird, Shirtless Old Guy Walking Down the Beach" straw hat. He also is wearing lightweight windsuit pants from Nike in case he needs to spring into action to offer some hands-on coaching to his untested quarterbacks.
Dan Mullen
Coach Mullen's latest from Adidas screams "Choosing a quarterback is hard! I should just have them wrestle for the starting job!"
Les Miles
Coach Miles has not changed clothes since he arrived in Baton Rouge. Although he has placed a request to Nike to create a hat that sits higher on his head and pants that come up to just below his nipples.
Urban Meyer
Coach Meyer is wearing Nike's 2009 windbreaker, but the 2010 Nike pen (with strap) tied securely around his neck allows him to write thoughts down as they occur faster than ever before.
Joker Philips
Coach Philips is wearing Nike's 2007 line of coaching gear. Kentucky's athletic department decided that all money spent on athletic wear should go directly to the basketball program where it can be used to purchase new uniforms and new players to fill those uniforms. Billy Gillispie only used the money for booze and fish sandwiches from Captain D's. His successor, John Calipari has begun properly using the money.
Bobby Petrino
Coach Petrino enjoys the latest from Nike after Arkansas made the switch from Adidas. He finds Nike products to be more comfortable and less likely to fall apart in key coaching situations.
Bobby Johnson
Coach Johnson is wearing "whatever Nike stuff I found in that big box in my office closet. Now get off my football field."
Gene Chizik
Coach Chizik is wearing the latest from Under Armour. For the fall of 2010, he hopes to add a tiger tail coming out of the back and some paw prints on the front.
Steve Spurrier
Too. Mesmerized. By. The. Awesomeness.
Nick Saban
Coach Saban is wearing the latest from Saban-Wear because "THAT'S WHAT NICK $#*@&!% SABAN WEARS! IT'S BLUE BECAUSE I LIKE BLUE! IT BRINGS OUT THE SOFTNESS IN MY EYES! I JUST WON THE BCS TITLE SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!"
Monday, April 26, 2010
Around the SEC: What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend
NFL teams fill their personnel bellies with ACC, Big Ten, Pac-10 and Big 12 players in the 2010 NFL Draft.
Granted, players from these conferences were drafted, but more like in appetizer quantities as compared to the SEC, whose players were inhaled like fried catfish in Jerrell Powe's path. The SEC had 49 players selected out of 255 picks (just about one in every five), 23 of those went in the first three rounds (the Big Ten was second with 34 overall selections and the Pac-10 had 15 players go in the first three rounds) and seven went in the first round. Not that any of these numbers should surprised anyone. 11 out of the last 13 drafts have seen the SEC lead the way in players selected and currently the conference has a streak of four straight drafts of most players selected. And knowing the bloodthirst of SEC fans for complete and total Walmart-like dominance, I can assure you this won't slow down anytime soon. The Big Ten could expand to 40 teams and the SEC would find a way to be more successful and win a category like most players drafted. Although, I don't think they could ever challenge the Big Ten in couch-burning. Mainly because we don't need the heat and, like most people, we prefer to sit on our furniture rather than cover it in lighter fluid and yell as it's consumed by flames.
The NFL loves it some SEC quarterbacks.
We all knew Tim Tebow would be drafted, maybe not exactly where, but we knew he would go in one of the early rounds. After that, I think the only guy anyone thought might have a chance to get drafted was Ole Miss' Jevan Snead, and he probably wasn't going until at least the sixth round. So I don't think Snead not being drafted was that big of a surprise, but seeing Jonathan Crompton go in the fifth round to the San Diego Chargers certainly classified as a legitimate surprise.
Crompton was the ultimate average quarterback. Good against bad teams, bad against good teams and average against average teams. And I really thought he was setting off on a special journey when he threw eight interceptions in the first four games of the 2009 season. Fortunately for him, he righted the ship and stopped impersonating Jevan Snead and ended up having an average year. I'm guessing the Chargers, who traded away third-stringer Charlie Whitehurst before the draft, decided to take a shot on a rookie that they could pay 1/3 of whatever they owed Whitehurst. And if you're scoring at home, the last three QBs drafted by the Chargers: Eli Manning, Charlie Whitehurst and Jonathan Crompton.
As for Snead, he did sign a free agent contract with Tampa Bay where he will join another Ole Miss quarterback, Michael Spurlock. Snead won't have to beat out Spurlock for the third-string spot, as Spurlock plays receiver/kick returner (AS HE SHOULD HAVE HIS ENTIRE TIME AT OLE MISS), but he will have to lock horns with such greats as Rudy Carpenter and Josh Johnson. And one final piece of advice for Jevan: Throw the ball to your team.
Other SEC QBs ignored by the NFL: Tyson Lee, Joe Cox and Chris Todd.
Kentucky showcases a defensive orgy in the its spring game.
One team beat the other one 60-25 in front of 9,000 already-missing-John-Wall-DeMarcus-Cousins-Eric-Bledsoe-fans. But more importantly, the early favorite for the 2010 Awww-Shit Trophy (given to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions in season, which might have to be renamed after Jevan Snead and his 20 picks last year) Mike Hartline played well enough that he could be the starter when fall practice starts. Head coach Joker Philips wouldn't declare him the starter, but Hartlines's 11 of 24 for 124 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT clearly bested someone named Ryan Mossakowski (6 of 13, 37 yards) and Morgan Newton (6 of 12, 96 yards). If you recall, Hartline had a strong start (six INTs in first five games) in the battle for the trophy last year before injuring his ankle/foot/something. I hope for a full and healthy season from him so he can take a crack at Jevan's seemingly untouchable 20 INTs.
Ryan Mallett wows Arkansas fans in the Hogs' spring game.
Unfortunately, he didn't play due to his broken foot so there's not a lot to cover here. I'm sure there were good plays, bad plays and other stuff that goes with spring games. I still stand by my decree that if Arkansas can find an average defense before the 2010 season starts, they have a chance to win 10 games. They have to get lucky with injuries and Mallett will have to stop sucking in road games, but they have the offense to win that many. If the 11th or 12th-ranked defense shows up, expect another year of potentially beating anyone before falling painfully short.
Granted, players from these conferences were drafted, but more like in appetizer quantities as compared to the SEC, whose players were inhaled like fried catfish in Jerrell Powe's path. The SEC had 49 players selected out of 255 picks (just about one in every five), 23 of those went in the first three rounds (the Big Ten was second with 34 overall selections and the Pac-10 had 15 players go in the first three rounds) and seven went in the first round. Not that any of these numbers should surprised anyone. 11 out of the last 13 drafts have seen the SEC lead the way in players selected and currently the conference has a streak of four straight drafts of most players selected. And knowing the bloodthirst of SEC fans for complete and total Walmart-like dominance, I can assure you this won't slow down anytime soon. The Big Ten could expand to 40 teams and the SEC would find a way to be more successful and win a category like most players drafted. Although, I don't think they could ever challenge the Big Ten in couch-burning. Mainly because we don't need the heat and, like most people, we prefer to sit on our furniture rather than cover it in lighter fluid and yell as it's consumed by flames.
The NFL loves it some SEC quarterbacks.
We all knew Tim Tebow would be drafted, maybe not exactly where, but we knew he would go in one of the early rounds. After that, I think the only guy anyone thought might have a chance to get drafted was Ole Miss' Jevan Snead, and he probably wasn't going until at least the sixth round. So I don't think Snead not being drafted was that big of a surprise, but seeing Jonathan Crompton go in the fifth round to the San Diego Chargers certainly classified as a legitimate surprise.
Crompton was the ultimate average quarterback. Good against bad teams, bad against good teams and average against average teams. And I really thought he was setting off on a special journey when he threw eight interceptions in the first four games of the 2009 season. Fortunately for him, he righted the ship and stopped impersonating Jevan Snead and ended up having an average year. I'm guessing the Chargers, who traded away third-stringer Charlie Whitehurst before the draft, decided to take a shot on a rookie that they could pay 1/3 of whatever they owed Whitehurst. And if you're scoring at home, the last three QBs drafted by the Chargers: Eli Manning, Charlie Whitehurst and Jonathan Crompton.
As for Snead, he did sign a free agent contract with Tampa Bay where he will join another Ole Miss quarterback, Michael Spurlock. Snead won't have to beat out Spurlock for the third-string spot, as Spurlock plays receiver/kick returner (AS HE SHOULD HAVE HIS ENTIRE TIME AT OLE MISS), but he will have to lock horns with such greats as Rudy Carpenter and Josh Johnson. And one final piece of advice for Jevan: Throw the ball to your team.
Other SEC QBs ignored by the NFL: Tyson Lee, Joe Cox and Chris Todd.
Kentucky showcases a defensive orgy in the its spring game.
One team beat the other one 60-25 in front of 9,000 already-missing-John-Wall-DeMarcus-Cousins-Eric-Bledsoe-fans. But more importantly, the early favorite for the 2010 Awww-Shit Trophy (given to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions in season, which might have to be renamed after Jevan Snead and his 20 picks last year) Mike Hartline played well enough that he could be the starter when fall practice starts. Head coach Joker Philips wouldn't declare him the starter, but Hartlines's 11 of 24 for 124 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT clearly bested someone named Ryan Mossakowski (6 of 13, 37 yards) and Morgan Newton (6 of 12, 96 yards). If you recall, Hartline had a strong start (six INTs in first five games) in the battle for the trophy last year before injuring his ankle/foot/something. I hope for a full and healthy season from him so he can take a crack at Jevan's seemingly untouchable 20 INTs.
Ryan Mallett wows Arkansas fans in the Hogs' spring game.
Unfortunately, he didn't play due to his broken foot so there's not a lot to cover here. I'm sure there were good plays, bad plays and other stuff that goes with spring games. I still stand by my decree that if Arkansas can find an average defense before the 2010 season starts, they have a chance to win 10 games. They have to get lucky with injuries and Mallett will have to stop sucking in road games, but they have the offense to win that many. If the 11th or 12th-ranked defense shows up, expect another year of potentially beating anyone before falling painfully short.
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Belly of the Beast and Kentrell Lockett Recap the 1st Round of the NFL Draft
I considered yammering on for close to 1,000 words about what many of us watched earlier tonight, but then I realized that would be a little pretentious of me. After all, there are something close to 600,000 NFL Draft recap pieces written or being written as I type this and other than disparagement and a few paragraphs on Chris Berman's suckitude, I have nothing more to offer. So, with that in mind, I enlisted the help of Ole Miss defensive end Kentrell Lockett to help me bring a unique angle to this recap. Most likely Kentrell will hear his name called next season, probably not in the first round, but I feel strongly that he will be drafted.
However, I do not actually know Kentrell nor did I get in touch with him to help me out here. Instead, I relied on his breakdown of the draft on his Twitter page, which is nothing short of spectacular. Let's get to the picks...
#1 Rams, Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Gray: Call me crazy, but I don't remember Sam Bradford doing anything that really amazed me. Yes, he put up some crazy numbers in college but mainly against some of the craptastic defenses so readily available in the Big 12. His one game against a real defense (in the BCS title game against Florida) saw him go 26 of 41, 256 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. Not bad, but not great. If I were able to wager on his success in the NFL (and I have nothing against him), I would not bet on him.
Kentrell: Looking for the closest krispy kreme in phili!!!
(Note: He had not started watching the draft yet. Nor do I know why he is in Philadelphia.)
#2 Lions, Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Gray: The man almost single-handedly kept Texas out of the BCS title game this year and he plays DEFENSIVE TACKLE. Everyone (including fans and media) was ready to get an apartment with him for like a month after that game. Why was he not taken first again?
Kentrell: The damn vending machine prices are insane $1 for a small bag of chips $175 for a drink!! They tripping.
#3 Buccaneers, Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Gray: I seem to recall Mel Kiper thinking highly of him.
Kentrell: I'm gonna be on that draft stage a year from today!!!
#4 Redskins, Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Gray: Three of the top four picks and what bowl did the Sooners play in this year? Ah, yes, THE SUN BOWL. Granted, one of those didn't play most of the year, but Bob Stoops, that's a little embarrassing.
Kentrell: not ready for what Ima do when I get on that stage!!!
#5 Chiefs, Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Gray: A strong to quite strong player. Although in all his awesomeness, he couldn't prevent this from happening:
Kentrell: stage better get ready cause me n my family going to have a revival on that stage!!!
#6 Seahawks, Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Gray: I remember watching him in the Cotton Bowl against Ole Miss and being mildly impressed. Or maybe very impressed. I forget which. Mainly because I was blinded with rage watching Jevan Snead shit away another game in which Ole Miss should easily win.
Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like a brown ipad!!
#7 Browns, Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Gray: According to Urban Meyer's fake 40 times, he's the fastest man alive on the fastest team alive. Only he's not that fast with his 4.5-ish in the 40 at the combine. Regardless, he's very athletic and has a chance to be a good NFL corner.
Kentrell: Joe Hayden needs to kill them sideburns!!
#8 Raiders, Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Gray: Perhaps only Rolando came close to matching my man crush for Tim Tebow (Not to worry, I too am horribly annoyed at all the puff pieces put forth by middle-aged white sportswriters in search of a great white hope from which to cling, but the guy is a fantastic player.). The dude was a human wrecking ball and usually knew what opposing offenses were going to do before the offenses did. Watching him play in person was one of the highlights of the 2009 season for me and I hate Alabama.
Kentrell: Rolando Mcclain needs to kill his self for all them white girls around them!!
#9 Bills, C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
Gray: HE'S NO THURMAN THOMAS!!!
Kentrell: Cj Spiller look like Macki Phifer!!
#10 Jaguars, Tyson Alualu, DT, California
Gray: Apparently stock in defensive tackles has never been higher. Three in the top 10.
Kentrell: I still can't get over Rolando Mcclain with all them damn #snowbunnies
#11 49ers, Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Gray: I can truthfully say I saw less than five minutes of Rutgers football in 2009.
Kentrell: I'm going have my draft party at the Library do when they announce my name we gonna take shots till we drop!!
(Note: I would pay top dollar to be there.)
#12 Chargers, Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Gray: I shall defer to Kentrell on this one.
Kentrell: Who the he'll is Ryan Mathews!!
#13 Eagles, Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan
Gray: Other than the "Eagles Suck" chant that started right before this pick, Kentrell, anything interesting here?
Kentrell: Dwion Sanders must have sent up a special prayer for them straight ass teeth!!
#14 Seahawks, Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Gray: I feel like Kentrell is on fire right now so I'll go back to him.
Kentrell: I bet Michael Irvin could snort a whole butter finger through them cocaine abused nostirls!!!
#15 Giants, Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
Gray: I would assume someone this athletic can succeed in the NFL.
Kentrell: Jason Pierre-Paul and Rudy Wilson must be brothers!!!
#16 Titans, Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
Gray: Yet another freakishly athletic defensive end. I vaguely recall several Thursday night games (home of mediocre ACC football matchups) in which Morgan made me wonder just who the hell he was. I don't know what that means in terms of NFL ability, but he caught my attention in the 12 minutes I watched before becoming bored.
Kentrell: What the hell did that manin the Pittsburg jersey do to his moustache!!!
#17 49ers, Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho
Gray: I enjoyed his dad (maybe grandfather) wearing a burgundy blazer at the draft party at his house. Thought he nailed the occasion.
Kentrell: There is a homeless shelter right next to the hotel!! Scary!!!
#18 Steelers, Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Gray: Ignoring his physical capabilities, which are strong, I was mesmerized by the giant silver/diamond/gold medallion hanging from his neck when ESPN's cameras showed his draft party which very well could have been a rap video.
Kentrell: Man the pouncey twins gay!!
(Note: Considering he's played against them, Kentrell could have an expert opinion on this.)
#19 Falcons, Sean Witherspoon, OLB, Missouri
Gray: A defensive player from a bad Big 12 defense is an interesting choice. By interesting, I don't know what that means.
Kentrell: I wonder how many cleat chasers are watching the #NFLdraft waiting for their jumpoffs name to be called!!
#20 Texans, Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama
Gray: I can always get behind one of the better players on one of the best (if not the best) defenses I've ever seen in person. I also thoroughly enjoyed the highlight of his interception against Ole Miss that happened right in front of me. I remember cursing and wishing I could never see Jevan Snead throw another pass.
Kentrell: They would show an highlight of a interception from Jevan ass!!!
#21 Bengals, Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Gray: I always thought he was a pretty solid tight end. Athletic and good hands. But on the downside he did all of his damage against Big 12 defenses, which as we all know STINK.
Kentrell: Waiting for anybody from #olemiss to be called!!
(Note: Keep waiting.)
#22 Broncos, Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech
Gray: Brandon Marshall's replacement that was a receiver in a flexbone offense and ran nothing but stop and go and jet routes. I haven't seen all the film (or maybe any), but did anyone ever see him inside the hash marks?
Kentrell: #random does anybody know where @MsLeiLo ass at!!!
(Note: Perhaps a shoutout to someone else on Twitter?)
#23 Packers, Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Gray: This guy looked like he's done nothing but lift tractors over his head since the age of eight. I'm pretty sure he could harvest an entire field of wheat by himself in less than 45 seconds.
Kentrell: They getting on this Bulaga guy head! No homo!!
(Note: ?)
#24 Cowboys, Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Gray: An interesting selection since it was a former Cowboy (Deion Sanders) that helped end Bryant's collegiate career.
Kentrell: @MRMarcusTillman boy I bet your name will never be called fir this draft you gonna be found #dead!!
(Note: Again, ?)
#25 Broncos, Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
Gray: I have no idea if Tebow can play quarterback in the NFL, but I would never bet against him. He's way too physically gifted, has a crazy work ethic and strikes me as one of these people that goes out of his way to prove people wrong (making all of us underachievers look even worse). As I said before, I grow tired of the Tebow love-fest, but there's something very special about him that keeps me from saying he can't do it.
(Note: It was about this time Kentrell apparently stopped watching the draft. So we'll just have to rely on his previous Twitter posts for commentary from here on out.)
Kentrell: If I don't make it to the league I want commisioner Gaddels job!!!
#26 Cardinals, Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Gray: Did Ed Orgeron cry? Surely he at least texted.
Kentrell: Rolondo Mcclain going to get him some Becky tonight!! Well alot of Becky
#27 Patriots, Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Gray: See my earlier comment about Rutgers. Also, when was the last time Rutgers had two guys go in the first round?
Kentrell: Evrybody in philadelphia smells the same!! They smell like inscents and body oils!!!
#28 Dolphins, Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State
Gray: Another defensive tackle!
Kentrell: #watif one of the players had a tuxedo with a cumberbun on!!!
#29 Jets, Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Gray: How about the jackass at Tebow's draft party that wore the same color shirt as him? I don't think it would be a big deal except the shirt were both pale green, an unusual color. What's that? DON'T JUDGE ME, IT'S THE 29TH DAMN PICK IN THE DRAFT. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.
Kentrell: Cj Spiller should have combs his daughters hair too!!!
#30 Lions, Jahvid Best, RB, California
Gray: I still get chills watching this. And that would be the bad kind of chills.
Kentrell: Marshall Faulk looks like the dude of Bay Bays kids!!!
(Note: I'm lost.)
#31 Colts, Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU
Gray: Sure, Jerry Hughes. We all remember that crazy bastard.
Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like Manila folders!!
#32 Saints, Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Gray: Probably the first time the Saints have ever had the last pick of the first round.
Kentrell: Joe Haden was on that movie grimlins right!!
However, I do not actually know Kentrell nor did I get in touch with him to help me out here. Instead, I relied on his breakdown of the draft on his Twitter page, which is nothing short of spectacular. Let's get to the picks...
#1 Rams, Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma
Gray: Call me crazy, but I don't remember Sam Bradford doing anything that really amazed me. Yes, he put up some crazy numbers in college but mainly against some of the craptastic defenses so readily available in the Big 12. His one game against a real defense (in the BCS title game against Florida) saw him go 26 of 41, 256 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs. Not bad, but not great. If I were able to wager on his success in the NFL (and I have nothing against him), I would not bet on him.
Kentrell: Looking for the closest krispy kreme in phili!!!
(Note: He had not started watching the draft yet. Nor do I know why he is in Philadelphia.)
#2 Lions, Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska
Gray: The man almost single-handedly kept Texas out of the BCS title game this year and he plays DEFENSIVE TACKLE. Everyone (including fans and media) was ready to get an apartment with him for like a month after that game. Why was he not taken first again?
Kentrell: The damn vending machine prices are insane $1 for a small bag of chips $175 for a drink!! They tripping.
#3 Buccaneers, Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma
Gray: I seem to recall Mel Kiper thinking highly of him.
Kentrell: I'm gonna be on that draft stage a year from today!!!
#4 Redskins, Trent Williams, OT, Oklahoma
Gray: Three of the top four picks and what bowl did the Sooners play in this year? Ah, yes, THE SUN BOWL. Granted, one of those didn't play most of the year, but Bob Stoops, that's a little embarrassing.
Kentrell: not ready for what Ima do when I get on that stage!!!
#5 Chiefs, Eric Berry, S, Tennessee
Gray: A strong to quite strong player. Although in all his awesomeness, he couldn't prevent this from happening:
Kentrell: stage better get ready cause me n my family going to have a revival on that stage!!!
#6 Seahawks, Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma State
Gray: I remember watching him in the Cotton Bowl against Ole Miss and being mildly impressed. Or maybe very impressed. I forget which. Mainly because I was blinded with rage watching Jevan Snead shit away another game in which Ole Miss should easily win.
Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like a brown ipad!!
#7 Browns, Joe Haden, CB, Florida
Gray: According to Urban Meyer's fake 40 times, he's the fastest man alive on the fastest team alive. Only he's not that fast with his 4.5-ish in the 40 at the combine. Regardless, he's very athletic and has a chance to be a good NFL corner.
Kentrell: Joe Hayden needs to kill them sideburns!!
#8 Raiders, Rolando McClain, LB, Alabama
Gray: Perhaps only Rolando came close to matching my man crush for Tim Tebow (Not to worry, I too am horribly annoyed at all the puff pieces put forth by middle-aged white sportswriters in search of a great white hope from which to cling, but the guy is a fantastic player.). The dude was a human wrecking ball and usually knew what opposing offenses were going to do before the offenses did. Watching him play in person was one of the highlights of the 2009 season for me and I hate Alabama.
Kentrell: Rolando Mcclain needs to kill his self for all them white girls around them!!
#9 Bills, C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson
Gray: HE'S NO THURMAN THOMAS!!!
Kentrell: Cj Spiller look like Macki Phifer!!
#10 Jaguars, Tyson Alualu, DT, California
Gray: Apparently stock in defensive tackles has never been higher. Three in the top 10.
Kentrell: I still can't get over Rolando Mcclain with all them damn #snowbunnies
#11 49ers, Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers
Gray: I can truthfully say I saw less than five minutes of Rutgers football in 2009.
Kentrell: I'm going have my draft party at the Library do when they announce my name we gonna take shots till we drop!!
(Note: I would pay top dollar to be there.)
#12 Chargers, Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno State
Gray: I shall defer to Kentrell on this one.
Kentrell: Who the he'll is Ryan Mathews!!
#13 Eagles, Brandon Graham, OLB, Michigan
Gray: Other than the "Eagles Suck" chant that started right before this pick, Kentrell, anything interesting here?
Kentrell: Dwion Sanders must have sent up a special prayer for them straight ass teeth!!
#14 Seahawks, Earl Thomas, S, Texas
Gray: I feel like Kentrell is on fire right now so I'll go back to him.
Kentrell: I bet Michael Irvin could snort a whole butter finger through them cocaine abused nostirls!!!
#15 Giants, Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida
Gray: I would assume someone this athletic can succeed in the NFL.
Kentrell: Jason Pierre-Paul and Rudy Wilson must be brothers!!!
#16 Titans, Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech
Gray: Yet another freakishly athletic defensive end. I vaguely recall several Thursday night games (home of mediocre ACC football matchups) in which Morgan made me wonder just who the hell he was. I don't know what that means in terms of NFL ability, but he caught my attention in the 12 minutes I watched before becoming bored.
Kentrell: What the hell did that manin the Pittsburg jersey do to his moustache!!!
#17 49ers, Mike Iupati, OG, Idaho
Gray: I enjoyed his dad (maybe grandfather) wearing a burgundy blazer at the draft party at his house. Thought he nailed the occasion.
Kentrell: There is a homeless shelter right next to the hotel!! Scary!!!
#18 Steelers, Maurkice Pouncey, C, Florida
Gray: Ignoring his physical capabilities, which are strong, I was mesmerized by the giant silver/diamond/gold medallion hanging from his neck when ESPN's cameras showed his draft party which very well could have been a rap video.
Kentrell: Man the pouncey twins gay!!
(Note: Considering he's played against them, Kentrell could have an expert opinion on this.)
#19 Falcons, Sean Witherspoon, OLB, Missouri
Gray: A defensive player from a bad Big 12 defense is an interesting choice. By interesting, I don't know what that means.
Kentrell: I wonder how many cleat chasers are watching the #NFLdraft waiting for their jumpoffs name to be called!!
#20 Texans, Kareem Jackson, CB, Alabama
Gray: I can always get behind one of the better players on one of the best (if not the best) defenses I've ever seen in person. I also thoroughly enjoyed the highlight of his interception against Ole Miss that happened right in front of me. I remember cursing and wishing I could never see Jevan Snead throw another pass.
Kentrell: They would show an highlight of a interception from Jevan ass!!!
#21 Bengals, Jermaine Gresham, TE, Oklahoma
Gray: I always thought he was a pretty solid tight end. Athletic and good hands. But on the downside he did all of his damage against Big 12 defenses, which as we all know STINK.
Kentrell: Waiting for anybody from #olemiss to be called!!
(Note: Keep waiting.)
#22 Broncos, Demaryius Thomas, WR, Georgia Tech
Gray: Brandon Marshall's replacement that was a receiver in a flexbone offense and ran nothing but stop and go and jet routes. I haven't seen all the film (or maybe any), but did anyone ever see him inside the hash marks?
Kentrell: #random does anybody know where @MsLeiLo ass at!!!
(Note: Perhaps a shoutout to someone else on Twitter?)
#23 Packers, Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa
Gray: This guy looked like he's done nothing but lift tractors over his head since the age of eight. I'm pretty sure he could harvest an entire field of wheat by himself in less than 45 seconds.
Kentrell: They getting on this Bulaga guy head! No homo!!
(Note: ?)
#24 Cowboys, Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma State
Gray: An interesting selection since it was a former Cowboy (Deion Sanders) that helped end Bryant's collegiate career.
Kentrell: @MRMarcusTillman boy I bet your name will never be called fir this draft you gonna be found #dead!!
(Note: Again, ?)
#25 Broncos, Tim Tebow, QB, Florida
Gray: I have no idea if Tebow can play quarterback in the NFL, but I would never bet against him. He's way too physically gifted, has a crazy work ethic and strikes me as one of these people that goes out of his way to prove people wrong (making all of us underachievers look even worse). As I said before, I grow tired of the Tebow love-fest, but there's something very special about him that keeps me from saying he can't do it.
(Note: It was about this time Kentrell apparently stopped watching the draft. So we'll just have to rely on his previous Twitter posts for commentary from here on out.)
Kentrell: If I don't make it to the league I want commisioner Gaddels job!!!
#26 Cardinals, Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee
Gray: Did Ed Orgeron cry? Surely he at least texted.
Kentrell: Rolondo Mcclain going to get him some Becky tonight!! Well alot of Becky
#27 Patriots, Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers
Gray: See my earlier comment about Rutgers. Also, when was the last time Rutgers had two guys go in the first round?
Kentrell: Evrybody in philadelphia smells the same!! They smell like inscents and body oils!!!
#28 Dolphins, Jared Odrick, DT, Penn State
Gray: Another defensive tackle!
Kentrell: #watif one of the players had a tuxedo with a cumberbun on!!!
#29 Jets, Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise State
Gray: How about the jackass at Tebow's draft party that wore the same color shirt as him? I don't think it would be a big deal except the shirt were both pale green, an unusual color. What's that? DON'T JUDGE ME, IT'S THE 29TH DAMN PICK IN THE DRAFT. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.
Kentrell: Cj Spiller should have combs his daughters hair too!!!
#30 Lions, Jahvid Best, RB, California
Gray: I still get chills watching this. And that would be the bad kind of chills.
Kentrell: Marshall Faulk looks like the dude of Bay Bays kids!!!
(Note: I'm lost.)
#31 Colts, Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU
Gray: Sure, Jerry Hughes. We all remember that crazy bastard.
Kentrell: Joe Haden ears look like Manila folders!!
#32 Saints, Patrick Robinson, CB, Florida State
Gray: Probably the first time the Saints have ever had the last pick of the first round.
Kentrell: Joe Haden was on that movie grimlins right!!
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