Five Stories to Follow for Your Weekend

In between being bored and completing a list of chores that you already know is headed your way, here are five stories to watch that could possibly give you more than five minutes of entertainment.

The United States men's hockey team looking for another shot at the 800-pound monster with a chainsaw as its unit; otherwise known as Team Canada.
We play Finland today at 2 CST and if we win we'll most likely play Canada in the gold medal game as the Canadians face Slovakia, a team they are expected to treat like Brad Wesley treated the people in his town pre-Dalton, later tonight. If we get by Finland, and I assume we are the favorites, I cannot stress the importance of beating Canada in the gold medal game. Yes, it would be awesome to see the United States beat Canada in a sport that is so much more important to so many more people to our north. Plus, the thought of the thousands of shots of Wayne Gretzky and his wife (an American) cheering on the Canadians makes me want to vomit. But most importantly, if Canada wins, that means that in some way Nickelback wins too. And that is completely unacceptable. So I strongly encourage everyone to get on the bandwagon and support the US team this weekend. You may not like hockey, but I know you hate Nickelback and that's something for which we can all cheer.

The Canadian women's hockey team has a throw down on the ice.
After beating the US women's team in the gold medal game, members of the Canadian team came back out onto the ice for a picture after all the spectators were out of the building. In addition to themselves, they brought booze and cigars and had themselves a small party on the ice. Nothing wrong with that until pictures of the event made it to the Internet, which gave people a chance to jump on their high horse and condemn such behavior, most notably the IOC, which will "investigate" the matter (whatever that means. I think we're all pretty clear on what happened. Canada wins. Goes onto ice with beer and cigars to celebrate. End of events.). I'm not sure what sort of punishment the IOC can hand out, but I have a feeling it won't be directed at themselves for having the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, where it's 50 degrees and doesn't snow this time of year.

The NFL combine starts its business tomorrow.
Players invited to the combine can expected to be poked with sticks, herded from room to room or station to station, stand semi-nude for long periods of time and take a test that allegedly determines if one is an idiot or not. Minus the test, it really is sort of like a cattle auction (although if cows had opposable thumbs, I'm sure they would have to take a test). And you can see it all on DirecTV! I'll be looking to see how fat Alabama's Terrance Cody is and if it's possible that Dexter McCluster can run the 40 in 3.85 seconds. I say marginally fat and yes he will.

The Olympics will end, but will the ceremony debacles continue for Vancouver?
The closing ceremonies will take place on Sunday and who isn't excited about the possibility that something else will go wrong? While I could not be more excited, I will not actually watch because those things are so painfully long and boring. Now, if great Canadians such as Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Will Arnett, Avril Lavigne and Alanis Morissette are involved, I'm potentially interested.

An assortment of college basketball games will take place.
I'm sure there's at least one you'll find worth watching. Enjoy your two days of freedom.

Announcer's Diary: Tom Hammond Edition

Normally this diary thing is reserved for the coaches of sports, but given the recent lack of material (or perhaps me not paying close enough attention) provided by America and, in the Olympic spirit, the World's coaches, I'm forced to go elsewhere.  And to be honest, I don't think I can be sarcastic or angry enough to nail the Andy Kennedy edition that should be here.  But one more Ole Miss game and I'll probably be in the right place.  Or another cab driver punching.  Either way and I'll be good.

2/23/10
8:10 PM

Dear Diary,

What a privilege it is to be here in breathtakingly beautiful Vancouver, Canada.  Just a gorgeous setting for these games of the Winter Olympics.  One of the great towns in all of North America.  You know, coming here makes you wonder why you don't live here.  The majesty and scenery of this place are best seen with the eyes and told with pictures, of which our NBC crew is doing an outstanding job of bringing the viewers.

Why, just two weeks ago, I found myself in Auburn, Alabama. Or was it Columbia, South Carolina? Or Lexington? It's hard to remember when you're neck deep in the fast-paced SEC basketball circuit. Even though I no longer broadcast SEC basketball games thanks to the red devil that is ESPN, I still find myself traveling around to all the great SEC towns. Larry Conley tells me I'm out of my damn mind, but I think Larry has forgotten what it's like to be in Baton Rouge on a Wednesday night in early February when the South Carolina Gamecocks are in town. That kind of energy is contagious! It lives in my blood! The microphone. The headset. Teasing up the perm so the headset doesn't keep it down. And the sports jacket. Oh, how I miss the Lincoln Financial 40 Long. What a great fit! I should get the name of their tailor.

But I can't complain about where I am now. NBC has not spared a dime in some of the duds we've been given. First class operation here at NBC, home of Notre Dame football AND the Olympics.  Of course...oh, man, look at the time. Need to go loosen up the pipes before the women's figure skating short program tonight. I like to go back to some of my Breeder's Cup calls and even a few of my favorite SEC games. Really helps get the emotions going and stretches the vocal chords. Puts me in a good place to be on top of my game. Plus, Scott Hamilton needs to go over what the hell all these jumps are again. You would think that after all these years of doing the Winter Olympics I'd have these down, but have you watched figure skating? It's all the same jump! Triple, double, whatever.  I just know when they fall.

Alright, I'm signing off for now. I think I just heard Hamilton crying already. He usually waits until an "amazing" performance before turning on the tears and the shrieking. He must have been watching a tape of the '02 Games. Sarah Hughes. It was one of those moments that made you proud to help bring it to the world.

So long, diary.  For Tom Hammond, this is Tom Hammond.

P.S. Grab extra tissues for Hamilton.

P.S.S. Need to learn the name of the lady in the booth with us. Hamilton hates her, which makes her the first person in his entire life that he's hated.

What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

February got even more interesting. Minus 2.8 billion people dissecting every syllable and blink made by Tiger Woods during his, well, whatever that was on Friday, the month returned to its hole and left people pretending they cared about the Olympics. In my limited viewing of the games of the Winter Olympiad, the sport (or bar game) of curling appears to be on television more than any other event. In fact, if you were to turn on one of the NBC channels right now, there's probably one of these matches (or games? Do they call them games? Tilts? Scrums?) going on right now. I'm not sure if there are 2,000 teams competing or if each team plays 250 matches/games/titls/scrums. Maybe both. BUT IT NEVER ENDS. It's entirely possible the 2010 gold medal for curling won't be awarded until three weeks before the 2014 games start. If the Olympics aren't canceled by then.

Tim Tebow began work on catching passes, route running and blocking technique for his inevitable move to a hybrid position in the NFL. After everyone got done screaming "I told you so" once Tebow's disappointing Senior Bowl showing was in the books, Tebow has gone to work on changing his throwing motion in hopes that he will get a shot at playing quarterback in the NFL. Most notably, he's looking to take out the giant loop in his throwing motion, which occurs when he brings the ball down to his hip as he begins his motion. I'd like to see him add a second loop just because he damn well can. Then crack Todd McShay's sternum with a 328 mph pass, which he could then throw because of the extra power generated by loop number two.

Ole Miss basketball team fights and claws its way to a win over Florida. In its second straight must-win game, the Ole Miss team came out with as much passion and interest as America will have in Hot Tub Time Machine. What started out as a promising season has quickly become a season that needed to end two weeks ago. This team clearly lacks a leader, has no emotion (save for a few Murphy Holloway and Terrance Henry moments) and does not play well with one another. It is a miserably painful team to watch. There's so much potential, but watching them go through the motions and continue to do the same stupid things over and over again (turnovers, turnovers, turnovers, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls and defensive breakdowns) makes it not worth watching them. So to you, Rebel roundballers, I say good luck the rest of the way, but I have checked out for the season. Let me know when you care again, then I'll care. Until that day, I'm practicing for the eventual arrival of shuffleboard, darts and tic-tac-toe in the Summer Olympics.

Well Played, February, Well Played

A cold and crafty adversary this month has become. I put things around here on autopilot for a few days assuming that this February (like every other February ever) would be filled with lots of nothing. Sure, there would be some Olympic banter and John Kruk's portly self would become more visible as baseball people attempted to drum up interest over pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, but I had hundreds of years of Februaries that clearly showed nothing of importance would happen. It's the single worst month of the year. Football withdrawals are in full force, it's cold, college basketball has fallen into a rut (and has generally been not very fun to watch across the board this year), it's cold, the NBA has at least two more months before it gets interesting and it's cold. There's a a reason this bastard only has 28 days. Even those who set up the calendar knew better than to give it equal footing as the other months.

Then, after hundreds of years of sleep, February decided on Tuesday night it's time to burn everything down and give July a challenge for 11th place in the month pecking order. Since Tuesday, the following has happened:

• Mississippi State fans began texting and calling Kentucky forward DeMarcus Cousins' cell phone, offering all sorts of pleasantries, like racial and gay slurs.
  
• Mississippi State nearly beats Kentucky in a game plagued by what could generously be described as piss poor officiating (I know, hard to believe that would happen in the SEC).
• Mississippi State fans declared war on their home floor at the end of the game, throwing water bottle and plastic cups on it. Not sure why they hated that floor so much, but something it did upset them.
• The national media reigns down condemnations and finger wags in the direction of State fans for their Palestinian-like assault on said floor.
• Men who prance around an ice skating rink in tight, sequined clothes started talking smack to one another, and did so without any slaps or wild gesturing. Yet.
• Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett broke his foot when he firmly planted it on the ass of defensive coordinator Garrick McGee, hoping to drive home the point that if the Razorbacks get any defense they might win 10 games in 2010.
• Oregon running back LaMichael James, carrying on an Oregon tradition of fighting, found himself in jail after a domestic violence incident.
• Vanderbilt recruit Rajaan Bennett was murdered by a selfish asshole.
• The Ole Miss basketball team put forth one last uninspired and emotionally dead effort, losing to Vanderbilt in Oxford and semi-officially ending any shot of making the NCAA Tournament. Can't wait to see what they bring to the table on Saturday against Florida in what will surely be a half-filled Tad Smith Coliseum.
• Tiger Woods plans to give the always exciting and genuine prepared statement on Friday morning after a few months of silence. He will take no questions and might break the Internet as 400% of those working in offices across America will attempt to watch the online streaming video.
  

I'm not sure if it's safe to assume this raging inferno of activity has begun to die out (although we now know not to turn our backs on February for at least a few more years), but the good news is that The Belly of the Beast is resuming daily operations in order to continue to serve you the reader. The headquarters is still in the process of being moved, but it should not cause any further work stoppages. Unless the workers unionize, in which case work will stop but only to give me time to destroy the masses.

A Late Valentine's Day Gift

The Belly of the Beast is in the process of relocating its headquarters right now, so posting has taken a backseat to coordinating DirecTV's arrival at the new headquarters, telling Comcast that I really really really really do want to discontinue my Internet service (and no, I do not want to know about any other upcoming specials) and cramming 50 pounds of junk into boxes made to hold only 30 pounds (YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME, CARDBOARD. Although, the past two nights have seen my dreams haunted with visions of Aristocrat Gin and Woodford Reserve, so maybe they actually ARE winning.) So, bear with this bit of chaos thrown into your disciplined daily routine. I shall resume posting in the next day or two. Until then, accept this picture as a token of my gratitude to you the reader.