Les Miles Plans to Get in the Way of Les Miles

On Wednesday, former LSU starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson was reinstated to the football team after his felony bar parking lot fightin' and kickin' charges were dropped to a misdemeanor. Without Jefferson, a two-year starter, Les Miles has turned LSU into the number one team in the country (without any other team losing) led by the quarterback Jefferson replaced in 2008.

They've looked so dominant through the first four weeks that the only two things that appear to have the power to derail them from a trip to the national championship game are Alabama and this man:

As is usually the case with LSU, Les Miles gives them the best chance to win with his insanity-laced decisions, non-existent clock management that somehow always works out for their success, and his ability to keep the talent pool at LSU deeper than 99% of the rest of country, but, minus the talent pool attribute, he also gives them the best chance to lose with his decision-making and clock management.

Observe the latest round of decision-making:

"I told (Jefferson) today that (Lee) will be our starter going forward,” Miles said during his radio show.

Later with the media, Miles said “Right now Jarrett Lee is our starting quarterback and what we would want to do is obviously add to that skill set.”

Meaning, that despite starting 4-0, with two dominant wins over top 20 teams, and propelling themselves to the number one spot in college football, Les Miles is going to play Jordan Jefferson. A quarterback, who before the bowl game against Texas A&M (Welcome, Aggies! NOW GO TO HELL.) last season, had four touchdown passes and nine interceptions in 12 games, leading the way for an offense that fought with Vanderbilt for right to be called the worst in the conference (and naturally, LSU won 11 games with it).

Les Miles has long been playing with house money, but this is a direct flaunting of society's conventions. Jarrett Lee has overcome his demons of throwing the ball to the other team for touchdowns to become a serviceable asset of an offense that only needs to take advantage of the field position given to it by its defense and special teams. And now Miles want to tinker with this inexplicable fortune?

THIS RUN HAS TO END SOMETIME, RIGHT?  No one can walk around with double middle fingers constantly moving in a 360-degree rotation, right?  At some point, the ass has to have a giant bite taken out of it, right?  Sports gods, why do you choose to lounge around on your asses all day while this stuff goes on directly in your sight?

/shakes fist at sky
/Houston Nutt returns to coach Ole Miss in 2012

Oh, well played, sports gods.  I've learned my lesson now, and that lesson is SPORTS ARE HORRIBLE AND STEADILY DRAIN THE MARROW OF LIFE FROM MY SOUL.

Things More Stable Than The Big 12

Tuesday, the athletic directors of remaining nine Big 12 schools met to have Texas and Oklahoma reassure them that they had no plans to set fire to the building or steal anymore of their money.  Then, after taking up a collection for the Longhorns and Sooners as a goodwill thank you offering ($273!), they all told the media they were committed to the idea of stability and preservation of the Big 12.

Just how many or few teams will compose the Big 12 as it moves forward?  No one, not even Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard, knows:

"There's a lot of possibilities. It could be nine, it could be 10, it could be 12, it could be 16, pick a number," Pollard said.

Okay, sure.  79.  -24.  π.   Zero.  Infinity.  ABSOLUTE ZERO.  They're all in play.  However, what's somewhat worrisome for the future of the Big 12 is that the first person quoted is the athletic director from IOWA STATE.  When reassurances and commitments to fixing problems need to be made, most companies don't turn to the guy running the mailroom to publicly deliver that message.  He may know his role quite well and do a good job, but his authority extends only to the degree in which it is given to him by those actually in charge of the show.

So if the mailroom guy is fielding questions, one can only assume the rest of the interoffice structure no longer functions and it's only a matter of time until a game of survival of the fittest breaks out.  And what makes that so exciting is that the game could be triggered by just about anything.  Not holding a door open, a dumb forwarded email, a refusal to validate parking.  PICK A CAUSE.

With all of that raging instability, and in order to show you just how unstable everything is, let's look at other things that are currently more stable than the Big 12.


Les Miles


Refrigerator-moving business in the Florida Panhandle


Somalia


Housing market in southern Arkansas


Gus Johnson during the NCAA Tournament


Gus Johnson calling a Hail Mary


Boat/Sandbar parties


Nick Saban after a 3rd and 14 is converted against his defense


Your stomach after four plates of meat and no salad bar at Fogo de Chao


The mind of W. Axl Rose

/prays the US tour is still going on by the time it gets near me


Mama grizzly bear after she determines her cubs have been bothered


Pete Boone and Houston Nutt's job security

SEC Orientation for Texas A&M

Congratulations, Texas A&M fans.  You are now part of the best conference in all of college football, and the latest member of the toughest division in college football.  Though no one has been able to, in a non-bullshit fashion, explain why your addition helps the rest of the SEC without vague references to TV markets and Texas recruits, who don't seem to win significant games for you or Texas, you are to be congratulated on getting richer and better without really doing a single thing.  That kind of planning and execution can only be conceived and brought to fruition in America.

Since you're new around here, I've taken the time to put together a few rules, stereotypes, and nonsensical hatred with which to familiarize yourself before beginning conference play in 2012.  These can get a little tricky given that there's no rhyme or reason to many of them, but just follow along as best you can and do what the American education system teaches everyone to do:  memorize everything, don't learn anything.

Basic Rules
1. Go to the Ole Miss/A&M game in Oxford. Oxford is one of the best college towns you will ever visit, and you'll probably win the game.

2. Don't try to find out how many football national championships Alabama has won. Wildly inconsistent sourcing will only make your head hurt. Just know that they've won more than you and their fans think they've won way more than that.

3. Bear Bryant really is dead, despite what your Alabama road trip experience will tell you.

4. You lost a recruit to another SEC school? CHEAT HARDER.

5. As a member of the SEC West, you are required to schedule either UAB, Louisiana Tech, Memphis, or at least one I-AA team each season. That Music City/Other Mediocre Exhibition Bowl slot isn't going to fill itself.

6. LSU will beat you in a way that makes you question whether they've signed a pact with the Dark Prince (note: NOT your former coach Jackie Sherrill, but the Biblical one), God hates your school, or both.

7. Auburn will beat you in a way that makes you question whether they've signed a pact with the Dark Prince (note: NOT your former coach Jackie Sherrill, but the Biblical one), God hates your school, or both.

8. You know how much you care about basketball? That's how much Kentucky and Vanderbilt care about football. Yes, Ole Miss cares about football, but everything they do indicates they don't.

9. We'll all need our dry cleaning picked up for the next year. Light starch is always appreciated.

10. The rest of the rules we make up as we go along. What, and you thought we had it together over here? FRESH MEAT.


Types of Fans
Because broad, sweeping stereotypes are so much easier to package neatly into quick points, I'll use those to outline the two types of fans you will encounter at every school.

Alabama
1. They own at least two recruiting national championship t-shirts (yes, these exist), somehow will work a long "a" sound into yelling "Roll Tide," will viciously taunt you about taking the Bear from you even though they weren't alive  then, can't find Tuscaloosa on a map (even if they are in Tuscaloosa), and at some point in their lives have come to blows with an immediate family member or close friend over the merits of 3rd and 4 running play in the fourth quarter against North Texas while leading 51-3.

2. Outside of three to four hours on a Saturday, a functioning, contributing member of society. But, when their blood gets up during the game, they will want to take your blood. And as long as Nick Saban is coaching, they probably will.

Arkansas
1. Those who wear plastic hog hats.

2. Those who take 20 minutes of your time directing your attention to their exhibits A through ZZZZZZZZZZZ as to why Houston Nutt is the worst coach in the history of college football and I don't care if we just won 10 games and are a rising program I want to talk about the atrocity that is Houston Nutt.

Auburn
1. People who are "All In."

2. Energy vampires.

Florida
1. Jort, Croc, and sleeveless t-shirt wearers.

2. Old people.

Georgia
1. Ole Miss fans with an ever GREATER sense of entitlement

2. Ole Miss fans who demand even less out of their school

Kentucky
1. Passing the time until basketball starts.

2. Already in Rupp Arena waiting for midnight madness to start.

LSU
1. Those who start Saturday boozing at or before 7 AM.

2. Those who start Saturday boozing at or before 9 AM (also known as "lazy elitists").

Mississippi State
1. "How did what we just accomplished compare to that of the Mississippi Ole Pi$$ Webel Black Bears?"

2. Tortured, good-natured souls who have endured more total misery than their in-state rivals, but have witnessed less consistent bed-shitting and one more trip to Atlanta.

Ole Miss
1. Those who own this print:

And subscribe to it with all their heart.

2. People who genuinely want to see Ole Miss not give a shit about the party and fix what's been plaguing the school for 40 years. They'll sooner climb Mount Everest than uproot the GOB network.

South Carolina
1. Will attend every game no matter if Lou Holtz is coaching his way to an 0-11 record or Brad Scott is doing something dumb.

2. No one else.

Tennessee
1. Those who hate Charles Woodson more than they like Peyton Manning.

2. Those who own Indianapolis Colts merchandise.

Vanderbilt
1. "Northwestern, Duke, and Virginia admissions are a bunch of assholes."

2. "I wanna go to the game, but I only want to stay for like 20 minutes."

And that covers most of what you need to know for now.  The rest you'll learn as you go.  My advice for the first year is to make minimal eye contact, don't stand out, but don't fall behind, and for the love of all things good and decent, don't lose to Ohio State.

From The Weekend That Was

GAME RECAPS

Georgia 27, Ole Miss 13
I'm done complaining and engaging in all forms of wailing and gnashing of teeth over this Ole Miss team. Well, at least until the next time something makes me really mad, which will almost certainly happen in the first 10 minutes of every game. So, like Ole Miss, NOTHING HAS OR WILL CHANGE.

But for now, the final analysis of the Ole Miss team is pretty simple. No quarterback, no offensive line (burn in a fire, Phil Steele), no coach, and average defense. I mentioned this on Twitter on Saturday (if you're not on the Twitters or are, you have the opportunity to be exposed to even MORE of my disappointment and fist-shaking at the sky by clicking on the "follow me" link on the right), but when we're looking for our new coach, if we don't hire a Mike Leach/Dana Holgorsen Air Raid-ish believer, and go with a Skip Holtz type, I quit.

Saturday night, with a significant talent gap and playing one of the best, if not THE best defense in the country, Holgoren's West Virginia offense put up 533 yards of total offense against LSU, with Geno Smith throwing for 463 yards. Special teams disasters and turnovers kept West Virginia from keeping it close until the end, but they moved the ball at will after the first quarter.

By comparison, the Ole Miss offense has 591 TOTAL yards through three D-I football games. I never want to see another pro-style offense which relies on having better players than everyone else to be successful, because, as I said before, we will never have those players on a consistent basis. Dammit, I'm ready for this coaching search to get started. IT'S ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

Also, Georgia, you stink.

Alabama 38, Arkansas 14
In the modern era of D-I college football, as in when black players were finally allowed to make the game a million times more fun to watch, has a team ever been held to negative yards of total offense? If not, there's a good chance it will happen on October 15th in Oxford, Mississippi when Alabama comes to town.

If they were able to manhandle Bobby Petrino's offense, which is an actual functioning offense, first degree felony abuse/assault/battery is headed the Rebels' way.

Auburn 30, Florida Atlantic 14
A round of congratulations to Ted Roof for allowing fewer than a quarter of a million yards to an opposing offense. FAU, one of the few teams in the country with a worse offense than Ole Miss, only managed to grind out 307 yards and 14 points, which were 306 yards and 13.9 points above their respective averages.

Florida 48, Kentucky 10
On Friday I wrote that Kentucky had to know that their only chance of winning was limiting Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps, forcing John Brantley to throw. How'd that work out? 405 yards rushing for Florida, with 262 from Rainey and Demps. So I'd say not well. The bloodbath of ineffectiveness between Ole Miss and Kentucky on November 5th will be a tale of horror passed down through generations until the end of time.

Mississippi State 26, Louisiana Tech 20
Rest a little easier, Bulldog fans, for your team is the second football team in which Tech has taken to overtime this season. Now, you may get worried again because that first team was Central Arkansas.

Chris Relf seems to have responded really well to being pulled on the biggest drive of the game against LSU. If standing on a beach, his ability to throw the ball into the ocean is in question at this point. However, the lifeguard stand and beach furniture storage box could still be in play due to the fact the ball could go anywhere when it leaves his hand.

I understand the whole team being flat in a game like this, but to only score 13 offensive points (in regulation) against a bad defense like Louisiana Tech's is a troubling sign. Not to mention, State was a few "that's why they're Louisiana Tech" plays away from being 1-3 after eight months of contending in the SEC West talk.

South Carolina 21, Vanderbilt 3
How about everyone go ahead and sign an agreement to never say anything about Vanderbilt being a new kind of Vanderbilt. That would save me time in saying, "I NEVER TIRE OF BEING RIGHT," and it would save everyone else time in retracting praise for Vanderbilt and their coach at the time of incorrect praise. 77 yards of total offense against a defense that was shredded by East Carolina and Georgia is an excellent reminder that, assuming a win over Kentucky happens, Vanderbilt will go 2-6 in the SEC.

But the real excitement to come out of this game is the collapse of Stephen Garcia, who has looked awful for most of the season. With his four interceptions in this game, he's taken the lead in the competition for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. And thanks to Connor Shaw being just as bad or worse, Spurrier will be forced to keep playing him, which will result in more headset-throwing montages ESPN showed us at various points in the game.

/weeps hot tears of joy

LSU 47, West Virginia 21
See above for my man-crush on all things Dana Holgorsen, but only LSU loses their starting quarterback a week before the season starts and gets BETTER. WAY BETTER. Jarrett Lee has stopped throwing interceptions and now specializes in not doing dumb things and making a smattering of really good throws. Had Reuben Randle not dropped a touchdown pass that would have made it 34-7, Lee would have thrown four TDs and put a special exclamation point on a curb-stomping.

Of course, it helps to have good running backs, receivers, and offensive line, but Lee has elevated himself to whatever level is above game manager. Let's call it game supervisor. Or game assistant to the vice president. If LSU and Alabama hold their courses, the November 5th game will be the exact opposite of the Ole Miss/Kentucky game on that day.


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Jeff Demps, Florida
10 carries, 157 yards, 2 TDs


ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Stephen Garcia, South Carolina
16-30, 228 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs


JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Les Miles
The man is an unstoppable force, perhaps even a Nightrain?


(In honor of Guns going back on tour. Even without Slash and most of the rest, I'm gonna do my best to be there.)


2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 7
2. Morgan Newton 6
2. Zack Stoudt  6
4. Barrett Trotter 3
4. Chris Relf 3
4. Tyler Wilson 3
4. Aaron Murray 3
4. Larry Smith 3
9. John Brantley 2
9. A.J. McCarron 2
9. Tyler Bray 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 2-5
Season: 18-17-1 (.513)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 6-1
Season: 29-9 (.763)

Mr. Blue
Week: 3-4
Season: 22-15 (.594)


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 7-0
Season: 31-6 (.837)


Chris Low
Week: 7-0
Season: 31-6 (.837)


KING OF THE RING
Gray: 22-4
Venkman: 20-6
Poe: 22-4


WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Texas A&M at Arkansas
Ugh. Now I have to pay attention to another team? You'll find me in the camp that thinks the addition of A&M is unnecessary and only benefits Texas A&M. I'm not sure I understand the logic of messing with the best set up in college football.

/informed this means we may not have to lose to Alabama every year

Welcome aboard, Aggies!

Florida at Alabama
A Saturday night with Uncle Verne? YES PLEASE.

Ole Miss at Fresno State
If he loses, it could be Houston Nutt's last game at Ole Miss. COACHING SEARCH PLEASE.

Week Four Power Poll And Picks

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. James Franklin
Dave Rowe: "Oh, wow! Vanderbilt! Undefeated! You gotta like what he's done with this team. Really playing hard and looking good on offense. I expect them to put up some points today!"

/Vandy fails to get first down until the third quarter

2. Stephen Garcia
Joe Lee Dunn: "I can't figure this boy out. Big, fairly athletic, strong arm, yet he doesn't know where the ball is going. I don't know. Probably should blitz."

3. John Brantley
Joe Lee Dunn: "Brantley reminds me of Russ Shows, minus the dedication to run head-first into a defensive lineman."

4. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "Don't sleep on the Commodores, Ball Coach!"

5. Bobby Petrino
Replay official: "Seriously. What an asshole."

6. Chris Rainey
Dave Rowe: "A text message? I don't understand. It's like letter that goes through your phone? Oh, boy! What'll they think of next!"

7. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "He's thrown how many interceptions? And you're telling me there's not a job for me somewhere in D-I football?"

8. Les Miles
Replay official: "I have it on good authority that Les only considers challenging plays when the clock is on an even number in months that have 31 days and odd numbers in months with 30 days."

9. A.J. McCarron
Dave Rowe: "Hey, he's still alive! Nice job, A.J.!"

10. Tyler Wilson
Joe Lee Dunn: "Oh, right. Sorry, not much on him. Working on getting my application to Memphis before the weekend."


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 16-12-1 (.569)

Georgia (-9.5) at Ole Miss
My JP game history is a little foggy, mostly because the human brain does a remarkable job of shoving trauma into a deep, dark cave never to been seen again until triggered by the smallest of events, but I cannot recall a JP game in which so much was on the line. Not in terms of division titles or bowl births, but, rather, in a perfectly fitting JP fashion, the survival of a pair of coaches.

Lose to Ole Miss, a team that just got waxed by Vanderbilt, and Mark Richt is either fired on Sunday or a dead man walking for another two months. Get blown out by Georgia, and the same applies to Houston Nutt. A respectable loss probably earns Nutt time until the next thrashing, and an improbable win gives Nutt one bright spot in what is sure to a miserable year, ultimately resulting in his firing.

Looking at this game, I'm reminder of 2006 when an Ed Orgeron team was fresh off a 27-3 drilling at the hands of mighty Wake Forest in Oxford. Georgia came to Oxford the following week, favored by three scores, and walked away with an UGLY UGLY UGLY 14-9 win.

Incidentally, that was the drunkest Ole Miss crowd in the school's history. A horrible football team, an 8 PM kickoff, and no hope. It was also that same night in which someone defecated in the Grove, was seen doing so by Ole Miss' PR-type person, Jeff Alford, who announced to the state's largest newspaper what he had seen, and was printed for all the world to read. WELL DONE, JEFFREY.

Anyway, the point I should have made three paragraphs ago is that even though Ole Miss is a bad team, they're not totally cooked yet, meaning I think they still have some pride. And in the testosterone-fueled world of violent sports, pride can motivate you to keep from getting embarrassed for a second straight week. Combined with Georgia's problems (poor offensive line, head coach pressure, soft run defense, and general bed-shitting tendencies), it makes for an ideal time to take the points with an SEC team at home. Ole Miss won't win, but the points are too good to pass up.

Arkansas at Alabama (-12)
Arkansas goes from three straight games where it was possible to score 75 points if everything clicked as Bobby Petrino saw it clicking, to a game in which 7.5 points would be a respectable number. Mostly because I don't know how they'd get that .5 points.

However, the Alabama offense in its one legitimate game scored 23 points on a team that needed a late touchdown to beat Temple. It's possible they could be saving the two percent of non-conservative plays they have for this game, or they're just relying on the defense to make sure three field goals and a touchdown is enough to get the job done, and perhaps even be called a little excessive.

Alabama should dominate with their defense, but it will be an ugly dominate. Ugly enough that 12 points is enough for me to take.

Florida Atlantic at Auburn (-33.5)
I'm pretty sure I once babbled mildly incoherently in this space about Auburn dominating bad teams even in the Chris Todd era. Then they went out and nearly lost to Utah State. The lesson to be learned here is that I do not learn lessons, and take Auburn to cover.

Florida (-20) at Kentucky
VEGAS, ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO FORCE ME TO TAKE ANOTHER UNDERDOG? I hate this so much. The Wildcats are challenging Ole Miss for offensive worthlessness, but on the other side, surely they understand that limiting Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps puts the ball in the hands of John Brantley, which is a huge win for themselves. But can they do it? I DON'T KNOW.

Based on a rule I just made up, I'm taking Kentucky and the points because no SEC team should be a 20-point dog at home unless they are Vanderbilt or coached by Ed Orgeron.

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State (-20.5)
State to cover.

Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-16)
Just to stick to my guns that Vanderbilt is terrible, I'll take South Carolina to cover. There's nothing like the kind of stubbornness that takes you down with the ship.

LSU (-6) at West Virginia
It's too bad a fine-tuned Dana Holgorsen offense doesn't get to go up against this LSU defense. It would have been, as they say, an extreme conflict of interest making for awesome television. No idea if they actually say that, but you get the point. Another year or two at West Virginia, and I think Holgorsen has a chance to put a dent in this defense.

Alas, we are stuck with the matchup at hand. I like LSU to cover, but I think this is the game we finally get a Jarrett Lee pick six due to West Virginia's aggressive and unconventional (3-3-5) style of defense. AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. It's been far too long since we've seen that friend.

Also, read this if you want to learn legitimate things about this game.  And it should help erase any doubts an Ole Miss fan will have about hiring a Leach/Air Raid disciple.

*You will not double your paycheck.


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 23-8 (.742)

Georgia at Ole Miss
Georgia. Last Saturday, my father, who is pushing 60 years of age and attended an SEC school, called me from Nashville to tell me that this Ole Miss squad is hands down the worst SEC team he has ever seen in person. I’ve never been one of those cool cats who skips the game to party in the Grove, but if ever there was a year to do it, it’s this one.

Arkansas at Alabama
Alabama. Did anyone else notice that North Texas resembled the Texas State University Fightin' Armadillos from Necessary Roughness? I half-expected Scott Bakula to enter the game and throw bombs to Sinbad.  Love that kelly green.

FAU at Auburn
Auburn. This is one of three remaining wins on the Tigers’ schedule (Ole Miss, Samford). Ted Roof is clearly one of the top defensive coordinators in the Alabama Independent School Association.

Florida at Kentucky
Florida. I just found my post-game bar outfit for Gainesville next week:


LA Tech at Mississippi State
MSU. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Vandy at South Carolina
South Carolina.

LSU at WVU
West Virgina. No, that’s not a typo. Like a woman scorned, look for WVU to take out all of her “no conference thinks we’re good enough” angst against Les Miles and company. Also look for Jarrett Lee to backslide from the hallowed grounds of “game manager” to “who the hell gave this tubby sack of shit a scholarship to an SEC school?”


Mr. Blue
Season: 19-11 (.633)
This week we're graced with thoughts from the mind Mr. Blue.

Georgia at Ole Miss
Ole Miss. “What the hell? He shells out Ol’ Roy for the first eight years of my life, now it’s free meat on Hump-day.”

Arkansas at Alabama
Arkansas. (Censored; Ed: Who knew that Mr. Blue, a fan of letting the world see his red rocket, had such sexy time thoughts.)

FAU at Auburn
FAU. “Meat…meat…meat…Meat…Meat…MEAT…BRAAAAAAHHHHMMMM!”

Florida at Kentucky
Florida. “Hey, vanilla face! Get the low-sodium turkey for crying out loud. Elderly black men stroke out on this salty shit!”

LA Tech at Mississippi State
MSU. “How did it come to this? From 2003-2005 I’m pimp-walking around right field at Rebel baseball games, breakin’ hearts and sniffin’ butts, now the highlight of my week is a quarter-sized piece of meat on an index card.”

Vandy at South Carolina
Vandy. “Sometimes, late at night, I remember a flimsy structure, over on South 16th. Oxford Place, I think it was. There was a bearded man in a hat…they called him Torrent. He had such gentle hands…”

LSU at WVU
LSU. “If he goes blind, I hope he’d keep me on as his seeing eye dog. I wonder how fast I could get him in oncoming traffic?”


POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 24-6 (.800)

Georgia at Ole Miss
Last time Georgia came to Oxford someone took a dump in the Grove. This time I hope someone pulls a Todd Packer and takes a dump in Houston Nutt's office. I've seen many putrid Rebel performances, but last week's game may be the worst. It's a testament to how bad Ole Miss football has become when it's not surprising that they lose to Vandy.

The thing that did surprise me, however, was the total lack of effort put forth by the team It is clear that this team has quit on Nutt. Teams that quit on their coach early in the season don't come back. (See e.g. Bama 2000, Bama 2006, Auburn 2008) Georgia will roll and Houston Nutt will take one step closer to the unemployment line. (35-10 UGA)

Arkansas at Alabama
I've been about to vomit all week because of this game. Bobby Petrino offenses scare the hell out of me. I don't think Bobby has thought about anything other than this game since the season began. The Alabama defense will see all sorts of crazy shit to start the game. I hope that the defense can withstand the storm because I don't think Chest Tattoo Boy will put a ton of points on the board.

I'm going to go with the Tide because this game is in T-town, but it will be close well into the 4th quarter. If Alabama wins, I will wear this shirt at next week's game in Gainesville. (20-17 Bama)


FAU at Auburn
Auburn loses one game and the AD is sending a don't panic letter to the Auburn "family." They must really think that the ship is about to hit the iceberg. (45-21 Auburn)

Florida at Kentucky
Kentucky lost to Louisville. Kentucky must suck real bad. Florida has a good defense and a below average offense. A below average offense will be enough. (38-7 Gators)

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
Dan Mullen did a good job of convincing his players, State fans, and stupid members of the media that State was a legitimate contender for the Western Division title. He failed to back up that big talk in losing his first two SEC games, which brought his record against SEC west opponents to 2-10. Mississippi State is just an AVERAGE football team.

At State, average is reason to celebrate and have big pep rallies with Fred Smoot, but let's stop this nonsense about Dan Mullen turning State into an SEC power. You would think Dan would shut the hell up after two straight losses, but Dan is still spouting off about taking State to Atlanta one day. Dan, one day I'm going to be President of the United States. (31-17 State)

Vandy at South Carolina
I give the new guy at Vandy credit because winning any games at Vandy is difficult. I'm not buying, however, the idea that he is turning that program around. The team I watched on Saturday looked a lot like the Steve Martin era Vandy teams. They were just playing a much shittier version of Ole Miss. They will not upset Carolina in this game.

I think Spurrier hates his quarterbacks so much that he is trying to see if he can win a game by giving it to Marcus Lattimore on every offensive play. Lattimore carried the ball 37 times last week against Navy. I predict 62 carries and 340 yards for Mr. Lattimore this week. (28-17 Carolina)

LSU at West Virginia
Dana Holgorsen's hair and offense are must see TV when West Virginia is up against the typical Big East foe. Unfortunately, Dana does not have enough players to consistently move the ball against the LSU defense. This game will be a lot like the LSU/State game. It won't be a blowout on the scoreboard, but it won't ever feel like West Virginia has a chance to win the game. (24-14 LSU)


Chris Low
Season: 24-6 (.800)

Georgia
Alabama
Florida
South Carolina
Auburn
Mississippi State
LSU


KING OF THE RING
WAC Edition

New Mexico State at San Jose State
Gray: I saw San Jose State play UCLA two weekends ago and they were, what's the word I'm looking for...WORSE THAN UCLA, if possible. But, at the end of the day, they're not New Mexico State. SJSU.
Venkman: I will be voting straight libertarian anarchist this week. All home WAC teams, please. SJSU.
Poe:  New Mexico State.  Does Hal Mumme still coach the Aggies?

Fresno State at Idaho
Gray: Fresno, in preparation for our loss to them next weekend.
Venkman: Fresno.
Poe:  Fresno.

Nevada at Texas Tech
Gray: Texas Tech. Tommy Tuberville back in Oxford? I would not put up a fight that no one would pay attention to anyway.
Venkman: Texas Tech.
Poe:  Texas Tech.

Colorado State at Utah State
Gray: Utah State.
Venkman: Utah State.
Poe: Utah State.  I liked their work against Auburn.

UC Davis at Hawaii
Gray: Hawaii. Former Hawaii coach and current SMU coach June Jones in Oxford? No issue here.
Venkman: Hawaii.
Poe:  Hawaii.