Thursday, September 22, 2011

Missourah Sends The SEC A Gift Basket

If Michael Scott taught us anything, it's that morons are always in charge and gift baskets are the way business works (also:  don't trust your GPS).  Taking that line of thought, Missourah (if they're ever going to join the SEC, then we get to call them Missourah; way more fun to say) made sure the SEC knew that the Tigers were very interested in doing permanent business with the SEC by sending commissioner Mike Slive a lovely basket of gifts on Wednesday (and yes, it did reek of "PLEASE DON'T FORGET US").

Though it appears expansion talk and action has settled down for the moment, much like Houston Nutt's firing, the termination date of the Big 12 is a question of when, not if.  However, as usual, no one knows the entire story, so things could shift in the next 20 minutes or 20 years.  But, based on Tigers' coach Gary Pinkel's comments, I'd lean in the direction of 20 minutes.
"...it's also really sad that this league … there's no other league in the nation that's dealing with this kind of stuff. It's (Texas A&M) the third member we've lost in two years. Obviously we've got problems in our league and we don't fix them. So, it's embarrassing. And it's sad because it has such great potential."
While the hour of destruction in not known, we do know the offerings delivered by the Tigers to the commissioner's office in Birmingham.  Peering through the cellophane,  the Tigers may be in need of hearing, "We'll be in touch (we promise!) soon."


Branson
Old people, and there are plenty of them in the South, eat this place up with the same vigor they reserve for $5.99 early bird specials, which are abundant in Branson.


2007 Kansas City Royals
Not the poster seen here, but the actual team. After going 69-93 that season, most of the players are out of work and in need of a job to give their lives some structure and discipline, and the SEC office always needs interns.


Todd Haley
The Tigers know Ole Miss will soon be in need of a new coach, and what better replacement than an overmatched ex-NFL coach.



Anti-Kansas shirts
Trying to capitalize on the SEC fans who have driven to Colorado to go skiing and had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing all of I-70 in Kansas, these shirts offer SEC fans and Missourah fans the chance to bond over a common enemy. Granted, SEC fans will never hate Kansas with the unbridled passion as those in the Show-Me State, but HOLY SHIT DOES I-70 SUCK.


Copies of the Oregon Trail computer game
If you recall, the game starts in Independence, Missouri before you head out into the unknown of the old American frontier. And yes, they should have stopped making computer games after this one. I beat this game once at school when I was in the fifth grade and I consider it my greatest achievement in life until I finally beat the control room board in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64 (it took me almost six months to beat that stupid board).


(click for the ability to see what the hell this is)

Non-Fascist alcohol laws
-No statewide open container law or prohibition on drinking in public
-No alcohol-related blue laws
-No precise locations for selling liquor by the package, which allows drug stores and gas stations to sell any kind of liquor)
-Missouri law expressly prohibits any jurisdiction from going dry

If you've ever lived in Oxford, take a few moments to wipe away the tears.

/bear hugs Missourah
/hands it a beer
/given ticket for open container and drinking in public

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Ole Miss Offense Gets Even More Vanilla

After Saturday's 30-7 loss to Vanderbilt, Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt and offensive coordinator David Lee agreed that the offensive playbook needed to be simplified.  So the two set out to reduce the level of exoticism in the playbook of the 115th-ranked Ole Miss offense (that's total offense; scoring offense is 95th).  After hours of scheming, editing, and getting the damn copier to collate properly, here's what offensive players received at the beginning of the week:

Click for the ability to read this.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, MARK RICHT. YOU'VE BEEN SO WARNED.

Hansel Explains Non-Expansion


"So I'm in the LA Coliseum, watching USC and Oklahoma play, and suddenly, this other team runs out on the field. They're wearing all this orange and black, and the whole thing is very confusing. 'Cause like, what are they doing here? There's already a game going on.

Then, a team wearing nothing but black comes running in behind a black horse with a rider on it making a gun with his hand. And I'm like, what is going on here? Not everyone can play, right? So just when I think it could get any more scary, Texas shows up. Yeah, Texas! How'd they even get there? Who told them the game was going on?

So, now, I'm like, totally spinning. Who's that, what's that over there, what's gonna happen next. I mean, it's really starting to freak me out. So I start screaming. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. I'll never forget the terror. When all of a sudden, I realize, 'Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote since August, and couldn't some of this be in your head?'

And it was. I was totally fine. Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, and Texas Tech have never even been in the Pac-12."

Monday, September 19, 2011

It's Time for Ole Miss to Pull the Plug on 40 Years of Failure

When Archie Manning's final season at Ole Miss ended in 1970, the glory years of Ole Miss football breathed its last breath.  The program had been on its way down from the dominance of the 1950s and early 60s, but with Manning and the old coach, John Vaught, there had remained hope that another run like the one a decade before could be made.  The Manning and Vaught combination never did win a conference championship (or obscure national championship), but their series of winning seasons extended Ole Miss' appearance on the stage of college football legitimacy.

Since that time, Ole Miss has drifted in and out of minor relevance.  A pair of 10-win seasons ('71 and '03), 14 bowl games (Cotton Bowl as the most prominent game; Houston Nutt would like to take this time to remind you of the BACK-TO-BACK Cotton Bowl wins he coached), and more Independence Bowls (five) than should ever be allowed in five lifetimes are the greatest accomplishments by the Rebels in the last 40 years.  And when you examine the records during those years, the details are even more underwhelming.

Beginning in 1971 and through the 2010 season, Ole Miss' overall record is 231-225-4 (.506; 17 winning seasons out of 40).  The SEC record in that time is a putrid 112-175-1 (.390; I easily could have missed a game or two, but you get the point), which includes just 10 above .500 SEC seasons in 40 seasons.  After the 1992 season, the next season Ole Miss had a winning conference record was 2003, and since 2003, the Rebels have had one winning record in conference play (2008).  Even the horrid days of the late 70s and early 80s didn't see a stretch as worthless as that (thanks to bowl expansion and increased conference tie-ins, the Rebels did go to more bowls in recent years despite .500 or worse conference records; also, in the record listed above, I did not count forfeit wins; if we lost on the field, I counted it as a loss).

Currently, we find ourselves in the midst of yet another run of futility, losing, and embarrassment.  The latest of which was a 30-7 thrashing of thrashings at the hands of unmighty Vanderbilt, marking the end of the Houston Nutt era at Ole Miss.  As of this writing, he hasn't been fired, but it's a matter of when, not if that decision is made.  And so, for the fourth time since 1998, we will be undergoing a coaching search.

I don't have the slightest idea who is on our radar as the next man to take over the program.  You can throw out just about any name right now and at least part of it will stick, as things tend to do during these searches.  I have a few favorites in mind, but it's not my ass that will be on the line when the decision is made (though, you could argue that if Pete Boone survives the Nutt firing, neither will his since he's also lived through the Orgeron debacle; also, for the record, which I know you diligently keep, my top three are Gus Malzahn, Kevin Sumlin at Houston, and Art Briles at Baylor).

However, what I do know is that Ole Miss cannot afford to hire someone who believes in a conventional style, most notably on offense.  For the last 40 years, we've tried to do things the way everyone else does them.  Recruit the best players we can get, then play a similar style of football.  We've tried to do this against a lineup of Alabama, LSU, Auburn, Tennessee, and Georgia, all schools with more of everything than we have.  It shouldn't come as a shock that this approach has failed for 40 years.

Granted, as I mentioned above, there have been some successes over those years, but nothing of the sustained variety (I would call the Cutcliffe years sustained mediocrity).  And the majority of those successes came during a period in which the window for opportunity for success in the SEC for everyone, no matter pecking order status, was still open (and we had one of the five best quarterbacks to ever play in the SEC).  If you recall, the mid-to-late 90s were dominated by Florida.  No one else, save for the '99 Alabama team and Tennessee, could remotely threaten the Gators for conference supremacy. 

In the SEC West, it was virtually anyone's game.  Nick Saban had not arrived at LSU, Alabama was coming off probation, and Tommy Tuberville had not built Auburn into a monster.  If you went 5-3, you had a pretty good shot at making it to Atlanta.  And anyone could crawl through that window, as evidenced by a Wayne Madkin-led Mississippi State team going to Atlanta in 1998.  But then, the arms race began in 2000 when Nick Saban showed up in Baton Rouge and that's when the window began to close.

As we know, Saban turned LSU into what they are, Tuberville matched him nearly step for step, and Alabama, while not nearly as successful, only needed a quality coach to challenge those schools, which they eventually got in Saban.  From then on, it became clear that unless your school had excellent recruiting (meaning: top ten) and pumped million of dollars into the football program, you weren't winning consistently in the SEC, particularly the SEC West.

Ole Miss cannot match those schools in recruiting or in money raised and spent.  In 2006, we had our best recruiting class ever, finishing 15th in published rankings.  That was good for FOURTH in our own division, and sixth in the SEC.  Since 2006, we have not had a recruiting class match that success, nor will we anytime soon.  Even if we kept up that level of recruiting, it means we're still bringing in the fourth best collection of talent in the SEC West.

In order to offset the recruiting deficiencies we will always have, we have to change our approach, particularly on offense.  The conventional way, which has 40 years of data saying it does not work for us, has to go.  Ole Miss needs someone who believes in an aggressive and non-traditional offensive philosophy.  We're never going to have the players to allow us to overpower other teams on offense and rely on a defense to shut teams down, like an Alabama or LSU.  And any effort to continue to play this way is pure insanity.

What we have now is an opportunity to change Ole Miss football.  We can break free of the mold in which we've buried ourselves for the last 40 years and try something new.  It's the same type of strategy change employed by Texas Tech, Navy, Oklahoma State, and other smaller schools attempting to cut down the gap between themselves and the bigger schools.  And for the most part, they've made themselves competitive year after year.  There are no guarantees it will work at Ole Miss and in a place like the SEC, but we already know what doesn't work:  the last 40 years of Ole Miss football.

From The Weekend That Was

Note:  While writing this, I dropped four Tyler Bray passes that I should have intercepted.

GAME RECAPS

LSU 19, Mississippi State 6
10:08 to go in the game, LSU leads 16-6, State, while not dead in the water, but certainly treading in it, pulls its starting quarterback in favor of a backup who has done nothing in his career to make anyone think he's going to lead a successful scoring drive.  Look, I know, and have mentioned at least 2,384 times, that Chris Relf can't throw vertically with any degree of accuracy, and at that point in the game vertical throwing was required.  But you don't pull arguably your best offensive player off the field for the most important possession of the game, essentially saying to a dominant defense, "Hey, guys, WE'RE GOING TO THROW NOW" (unless your name is Houston Nutt).

Tyler Russell's plays from the two drives before the garbage time drive (excluding one punt):
-Vick Ballard rush for five yard loss
-Incomplete pass
-Incomplete pass
-Sacked
-Interception

And that was the game.  Odds are Chris Relf doesn't get it done either, but going back to last week against Auburn, he got the ball back down 14 with eight and a half minutes left and almost pulled it off.  Now, LSU's defense is a kabillioninfinity times better than Ted Roof's atrocity, but not giving Relf a chance makes as much sense as letting Tyson Lee have the option to keep the ball on a fourth and goal from the one.

Clemson 38, Auburn 24
Seriously, Gus, WHAT DO YOU WANT?  IT'S YOURS.  JUST NAME YOUR PRICE.

Part of my sales pitch to Malzahn would be that, in three years, when he's ready to leave Ole Miss for more money and a higher profile job, the Auburn job will probably be open because Chizik, without a Malzahn, is Ed Orgeron without an accent.  So, if he really enjoys being at Auburn, take a two or three-year vacation, see another part of the world, then come back.

Vanderbilt 30, Ole Miss 7
I'll have more to say about Ole Miss later, but, for now, if Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones gives a shit at all about Ole Miss, he tells Pete Boone to fire Houston Nutt immediately, then offers Boone the chance to resign or be fired.  Then, he sets out to find an athletic director who has no ties to Ole Miss, but has run an athletic department or has been the number two at a big athletic department.  That person is charged with finding the next coach at Ole Miss.  Not Dan Jones or any other member of the GOB network, but the new AD.  He can use one of those coach search firms if he sees fit, but the decision is his.  Its success or failure rests solely on him.

As for this game, try to remember that Vanderbilt still stinks.  There will be plenty of hype about the 3-0 Commodores, but trust me, they stink.  So, yes, Ole Miss really is that bad.  I don't know if we will score a touchdown in conference play that is not in garbage time.  And if any member of our offensive line successfully pass blocks, they should be given the damn Rimington Trophy.

Georgia 59, Coastal Carolina 0
How bad is Ole Miss?  The initial line in Vegas for the Georgia game had the Bulldogs favored by 6.5 points.  Within a few hours, it jumped to 11.

Florida 33, Tennessee 23
If Florida's defensive backs were not playing defense with iron skillets as hands, it would be Tyler Bray who would be leading the conference in interceptions and not Zack Stoudt.  I counted seven passes that hit Florida defenders in the hands.  Had the ball not made a clanging noise when it hit them, Tennessee could have been looking at a four-touchdown loss.

Bray has a strong arm and can throw passes into a tight window, but his decision-making process is going to bite Tennessee in the ass and IT WILL BE GLORIOUS.  Also, John Brantley has officially achieved "I hope he doesn't screw this up" status for Florida fans and coaches.

South Carolina 24, Navy 21
Things with Steven Garcia are going so well that Spurrier had to give the ball, in the third game of the season, to Marcus Lattimore 37 times in order to win.  Luckily for South Carolina, the meat of the schedule doesn't start until the middle of October, but great Odin's raven, Lattimore is going to be a 65-year old running back when he's 22.  And a note to all the other SEC teams, don't schedule a triple option team ever.  Sucks to be you, Georgia.

Louisville 24, Kentucky 17
I thought about watching the second half of this, but instead drank a bottle of Liquid Drano.  Incidentally, that will be my drink of choice when Kentucky and Ole Miss play on November 5th.

Arkansas 38, Troy 28
Troy's quarterback attempted 63 passes, which equaled the number of sarcastic "die in your sleep" smirks that Bobby Petrino gave his players.

Alabama 41, North Texas 0
Rough week for the Sun Belt.  Aw, hell, who are we kidding.  Tough existence for the Sun Belt.


DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Chris Rainey, Florida
21 carries, 108 yards
2 catches, 104 yards, TD


ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Houston Nutt for Zack Stoudt's 13-26, 139 yards, 1 TD, 5 INTs


JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Les Miles
Took Jarrett Lee on the road and dominated, which has probably never been done before. At least not on this planet. Not sure about Les' home planet.


2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Zack Stoudt 5
2. Morgan Newton 4
3. Stephen Garcia 3
4. Chris Relf 2
4. Barrett Trotter 2
4. Larry Smith 2
4. Aaron Murray 2
4. Tyler Bray 2
4. John Brantley 2
4. Tyler Wilson 2
4. A.J. McCarron 2


DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-4
Season: 16-12-1 (.569)


MAN AGAINST BEAST

Week: 7-1
Season: 23-8 (.742)


Week: 5-2
Season: 19-11 (.633)


POE VERSUS LOW

Week: 5-3
Season: 24-6 (.800)


Week: 5-3
Season: 24-6 (.800)

KING OF THE RING
Gray 18-3
Venkman 16-5
Poe 19-2

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Alabama
Is Bobby Petrino already upset with someone?  Is Tyler Wilson practicing picking himself off the ground?  Will Nick Saban turn this game into a hammer fight? 

LSU at West Virginia
Now that West Virginia sells beer in its stadium, prepare for sales records to be shattered and never surpassed after this weekend.  And a note to West Virginia stadium officials:  Don't be like the Cotton Bowl a few years back and underestimate the drive for alcohol from rabid SEC fans.  I forget if it was the '04 or '08 Cotton Bowl, but the Ole Miss side of the stadium was completely out of beer by the end of the first quarter.  Whatever you think is enough, triple that order.