Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Addressing the Miami Scandal With The Playmaker Scale

By now, I trust that you've adequately devoured the latest daisy cutter delivered by Yahoo! Sports to a major college football program. And by devoured, I mean read no fewer than nine times because it's the most entertaining thing you'll read this year. Miami players and hookers? Check. Miami players and cash payments? Check. Miami players and lavish favors? Triple check. Miami players and strip clubs? YOU KNOW IT.

The report's details are so over-the-top, not just in the various services provided by booster Nevin Shapiro, but in terms of the number of players involved and Miami's administration's lack of interest that they were burning their own house down, that it's almost something you would see in a movie written by people who don't watch or follow football. You'd be watching and say, "Alright, no one lets players have access to a million dollar yacht and jet skis that they can crash into things. I'd really like if TNT was showing Con Air right now" (and they would be because it's always on TNT). But all of that really did happen.

In order to properly rate the more bold details of the report...wait, hold on. ESPN's Joe Schad has just released an urgent statement concerning college football:

Well, some good news there. So, for those of you who picked up that game five weeks ago and still haven't figured that out, Joe Schad is all over that non-developing story.

Anyway, as I was saying, in order to properly rate the more bold details of the report, we need to bring in one of The U's most experienced members in this field, The Playmaker, Michael Irvin.

We'll be going though some of the individual player page reports (yes, I did say individual players because Yahoo! took the time to organize all of this information into the greatest page currently on the interwebs) and rating some of the alleged activities on a scale of One to Five Playmakers, with Five Playmakers being the most Michael Irvin action in which a player could participate.

Frank Gore
-Several lunches

-$20,000 to $30,000 cash from Shapiro's partner

And that, Ole Miss fans, is one of a few reasons why Gore changed his mind on signing day some years ago

Jacory Harris
-Food, drinks, and entertainment at Shapiro's mansion

-Pool tournaments for cash at Shapiro's home


James Bryant
-Several small cash gifts


Graig Cooper
-Lived on Shapiro's yacht for four days


Robert Marve
-Drinks and VIP access at three strip clubs

-At least two dinners at a steakhouse


Kellen Winslow, Jr.
-Drinks and VIP access in nightclubs

-Use of yacht and jet skis; crashing jet ski into another boat (should have seen that motorcycle wreck coming)


Devin Hester
-Repeated cash gifts

-Cash to buy rims for SUV

-$3,000 for an engagement ring

The Playmaker only shops at jewelry stores that require you to pay $3,000 just to get in the door.

-Tickets to Heat/Pistons playoff game

Loses half a Playmaker because he also proposed at the game, which is always, ALWAYS a terrible idea.

-Suit, shoes, and other clothing

-$7,500 in game bounties, ranging from touchdowns to celebration penalties


Antrel Rolle
-$7,500 watch

-Transportation to and from strip clubs and nightclubs by Shapiro's bodyguards


Sean Taylor
-$15,000 diamond-studded dog tags


Vince Wilfork
-$50,00 cash payment

-$1,500 washer and dryer


Willis McGahee
-Plane tickets to New York for girlfriend and another female

Probably the most Playmaker thing ever.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Exclusive Belly of the Beast Investigation: Why Did Steve Spurrier Never Kick Stephen Garcia Off the Team

Despite multiple suspensions as a result of drunken revelry, poor decisions, and general college bro behavior, South Carolina quarterback Stephen Garcia was given chance after chance to remain as a member of the football team.  Even after last spring's suspension when all signs pointed to Spurrier had finally had enough, Garcia escaped dismissal and was allowed to remain with the team.

Given Spurrier's general lack of patience and that it exponentially increases when it comes to his quarterbacks, the idea that Garcia could behave so erratically both on and off the field and not find his way off the team or out of playing time makes little to no sense.  To get to the bottom of Spurrier's inexplicable leniency, I assembled the finest investigation team zero dollars could buy.  Consisting of only me, the team began an exhaustive, part-of-the-morning look into why Spurrier never ended the Stephen Garcia era in Columbia.  The results were quite stunning and led me to one prime suspect: 

Alshon Jeffery.

Observe, Alshon Jefferey in 2010, discussing his next touchdown with Spurrier:


Jeffery, again in 2010, reacting to a Connor Shaw pass nowhere hear him:


Now, here is Jeffery in 2011:


And in a recent Sports Illustrated cover shoot:


Packing an additional 20-25 pounds of the non-muscle variety, and combined with the lack of improvement by Connor Shaw, after all, if Shaw were a functional quarterback, Spurrier would have sent Garcia packing months ago, there is only one conclusion to make here:

Alshon Jeffery ate Connor Shaw's career.

Compelling piece of evidence number one, Shaw in 2010:


Compelling piece of evidence number two, Shaw in 2011; note the area inside the circle:


Faced with the possibility of spending his last year in Columbia watching passes thrown over his head or skipped at his feet and potentially hurting his draft stock, Jeffery acted, and did so boldly. Spurrier had indeed reached his breaking point with Garcia and was prepared to inform Shaw that he would be named the starting quarterback and Garcia could leave or do "whatever it is that he does."  But Shaw never showed up.  There was no leap from last year to this year.  Frustrated by a less dumb and talented version of Garcia, Spurrier was forced to keep Garcia on the team as the starter and hope the quarterback could put it all together for once.

With some Tony's, bacon fat, and a special homemade sauce, as well as seven trips to McDonald's every day just because it was near the house, Jeffery preserved Garcia's career and gave himself and South Carolina a chance to do something special this season. Even if it meant becoming the first ever 275-pound wide receiver.

Player of Some Importance That Only Ole Miss Fans Know About Chooses to Stay at Ole Miss

Senquez Golson, true freshman cornerback for Ole Miss and 2011 eighth round draft pick of the Boston Red Sox, elected to turn down an alleged $1 million-plus signing bonus to continue playing football for the Rebels.  Why he chose to do such a thing, I have no idea.  Perhaps he is a more thoughtful individual than I, who would have immediately said yes right after the words "one million dollars" were spoken by the Red Sox (for the record, anyone with $1 million, I AM EASILY BOUGHT).  Or maybe he wasn't ready to give up football, Chevron chicken-on-a-stick, or Oxford for Lowell, Massachusetts.

Whatever his reasons, I shall sing praises of his name and write power ballads set to Irish folk music in his honor.  By returning to school, Golson gives Ole Miss a fourth cornerback option that is not one of these:

If you imagine them wearing Ole Miss jerseys, that's pretty much what the cornerback depth chart looks like after Golson.

I'm fully aware of the danger of relying heavily on a true freshman, especially multiple true freshmen, which Ole Miss will do this season, but when you're coming off a 4-8 season in which your defense surrendered a quarter of million points and yards, and you were a Kentucky bed-shitting away from going 0-8 in the conference, I say embrace, nay, INHALE the danger into your lungs until you feel its deep, deep burn.

This way, when everything catches on fire and it all burns to the ground, talented and now experienced players will be a strong selling point for the next coach, who is most certainly named Mike Leach.

/passes out from excitement at the mere thought of such joy

Monday, August 15, 2011

The Inside Story to the SEC's Non-Invite to Texas A&M

A phone call between Richard Box, Chairman of the Texas A&M Board of Regents, and Bernie Machen, University of Florida president and chairman of SEC's presidents and chancellor committee.


"Sure would be nice if you SEC fellas would extend that invite back our way. Should have listened to you last summer."


"I don't know about that. Seems kind of late now."


"Please."


"Alright, fine. I'll ask the others. Hold on."


"I can vouch for them."


"How the hell are you on this call? This is a secure line!"


"You don't get called The Dark Prince by keeping your hands out of the cookie jar."


"You know, Richard, I think we're all set for now. But, hey, we'll get back to you in a few weeks. Sound good? Alright, bye now."
(hangs up)


"Dammit."


"Sorry to hear that, Richard.  Maybe they'll call back.  We still on for a few hands of gin at three o'clock, your office?"


(sighs)
"Yeah. If this thing with Governor Perry doesn't run long.  I should be there close to then."


"Okay, I'll bring the cards and you still owe me $150 from last time."


"I know, I know. I'll see you at three."
(hangs up)
(sobs at desk)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dan Mullen Inadvertently Does Ole Miss A Solid

In January of 2009, Ole Miss ended a football season in which it won its last six games to finish with a 9-4 record.  That six-game winning streak displayed more pillaging and burning than I've ever seen delivered by an Ole Miss team, as the Rebels outscored their opponents 222-75 during that stretch.  To put it mildly, things were going well to quite well in Oxford.

Then the 2009 season happened.  Though finishing with another 9-4 record, which rarely happens at Ole Miss, it was an incredibly frustrating season.  Ole Miss quarterback Jevan Snead threw 20 interceptions and the Rebels lost to three teams with inferior talent, including Mississippi State under first-year head coach Dan Mullen.

Ole Miss fans were not satisfied with the way the season went, but it was hard to complain about back-to-back nine-win seasons at a place like Ole Miss where something like that had not happened since black players started playing college football in the South.  Plus, Ole Miss still had fresh wounds from the slow program death set in motion by David Cutcliffe and exponentially accelerated by the Shrimp Boat Captain.  So at that point, any kind of winning served as a great distraction to the usual stink of Ole Miss' shortcomings.

In Starkville, Dan Mullen didn't realize it, but he was setting in motion a fire to drastically change things at Ole Miss.  After the win over Ole Miss in 2009 and the emotional response from State fans (a combination of ending the season on a high note, beating Ole Miss, and having a competent coach in place of Sylvester Croom), Mullen fully recognized the importance that the majority of his fanbase placed on the Ole Miss game.  Many believe that no matter the outcome of the first 11 games, a win over Ole Miss at the end of the year makes the season a successful one.  Through a series of verbal jabs over the next year, Mullen made every effort to play up that win and united State fans behind the idea of always beating Ole Miss.

The 2010 season turned out to be the most successful season for Mississippi State since Sly Croom Les Milesed his way into the eight-win 2007 season, and tops of the last decade.  The excitement surrounding the season lead to record attendance and a State community, both fans and administrators, together like never before.  For Ole Miss, the 2010 season was the worst since the Shrimp Boat Captain era, and included another loss to Dan Mullen's team.

Ole Miss fans were outraged over a team that didn't care, was poorly coached, and offered little hope for improvement in the immediate future.  Adding fuel to their anger, the Ole Miss basketball and baseball teams completed seasons in which they failed to reach the postseason (no, the NIT doesn't count).  And during all of this, Ole Miss was being led by an administration that, other than a few "we're going to do better" quotes, seemed to stick to their decades-long attitude of apathy and the problem will eventually fix itself.  All the while, Mullen continued his verbal stick-poking, which eventually was adopted by the entire school, administrators included, and morphed into the "Our State" ad campaign, a rallying cry for State fans and a shot at Ole Miss (a perfect storm for the State fanbase).

Complete with disappointing teams, a fractured Ole Miss community, and the incessant yapping from everyone at State capable of talking to a media outlet, times in Oxford could not have been much worse.  But then, and I can't remember the exact tipping point, fires started to be lit under people's asses.  A privately organized group of donors (allegedly of the high-dollar variety) presented Ole Miss Chancellor Dan Jones with a demand for more accountability and people to act proactively, or, more simply, do their jobs for the first time ever.  A close look was taken at the Ole Miss gameday experience for the fans, which included the infamous survey where people got to bitch and moan about not having access to Coke Zero and other minor details.  And, incredibly, marketing/branding/advertising was finally turned over to trained professionals and not done by the same people who have done it poorly since the beginning of time.

Now, despite how silly some of this sounds, especially the minutiae of some of the survey details, the point is, proactive behavior started taking place.  Granted, it was proactive behavior that should have been done 30 years ago, but it finally happened in my lifetime, which I didn't think was possible.  Amazingly though, none of this behavior began by a sense of wanting to make Ole Miss as strong as it can be, or a responsibility to do one's damn job as it should be done, which should be fireable offenses across the board.  Instead, the fires under comfortable asses, though not entirely built by Dan Mullen, were lit by the State coach.

His consecutive victories over Ole Miss and playing to the "little brother" syndrome so entrenched in Mississippi State culture finally irritated, and perhaps caused enough fear in, enough people at Ole Miss that, for once, everyone associated with Ole Miss said enough with the half-assery, got on the same page, and decided to find ways to make Ole Miss better.  Though, it continues to be embarrassing that the chancellor and athletic director have gotten involved in a pissing contest of sorts with their constant reference to Ole Miss as Mississippi's "flagship" university, a return fire shot at State for the "Our State" business.

But, for the first time in a long time, they're showing that they care, or are at least pretending to care, about ending Ole Miss' half-assing ways that have dominated the school since ever.  It was a change in attitude that was INCREDIBLY overdue, and I can't believe it took a man from Pennsylvania and not pride to get it done, but it has and continues to happen.

Which brings us to yesterday, when a professional presentation (a HUGE step for Ole Miss) took place in which plans for a new basketball arena/multi-purpose building and expansion to the football stadium were revealed, complete with a legitimate website to provide more information and instructions on how to donate to the buildings.









Even the most jaded and bitterly cynical Ole Miss fan (not quite me...YET) cannot help but get excited by what has been planned.  More than likely, even if Dan Mullen had never arrived at Mississippi State, this would have happened on its own.  Probably right after the roof of the Tad Pad collapsed, crushing all those buckets used to keep the leaks off the floor.  But thanks to Mullen and his ability to understand what makes the culture at Mississippi State tick, he's driven Ole Miss fans and administrators together now to change the culture of the school.