Auburn Hands Out Championship Rings and More

Yesterday, on the information superhighway (is that terms still relevant?), pictures appeared of Auburn's championship rings from last football season's triumphs came into the light.  There were three rings total because, as Auburn's recruiting strategy says, three is always better than one.



Not pictured were other various gifts and rewards for a job well done, mainly because the NCAA frowns upon such a thing, but, again, as Auburn's recruiting strategy says, what they don't know can't hurt them (or us). Some of the additional gifts are pictured here:


Scepter
No king can rule without a shiny, valuable stick to point at someone to show how much better they are than them.


Golden crown
And no king is complete without a crown. This is just how it works. I've seen the movies.


A pair of mules
While always pretending to be a sophisticated lot, Auburn is an agricultural school. These will come in handy when the school eventually loses its SACS accreditation, which should happen right around the time someone gets to the bottom of the Cam Newton scandal in 2046.


Dodge Charger
Wait...hold on. I'm terribly sorry, I've mixed up my Ohio State files with the Auburn ones. Moving on...


Briefcase full of cash money
Now that's more like it. A much more familiar feeling for Auburn.


Bingo cards


Bingo markers


Greyhound
All to be used during a trip to prominent Auburn booster, and bingo parlor and dog track baron, Milton McGregor's places of business. Assuming he doesn't get sent to federal prison.


An evening with Pat Dye
Players must supply booze, fishing gear, and possibly pants for Pat.


Towels with flakes of gold
Sorry, players. These are for Trooper Taylor only.

Matthew McConaughey Reviews Mike Leach's Book

As you may have heard, former Texas Tech coach, and forever nemesis of Craig James, Mike Leach has a book coming out next month. Titled Swing Your Sword, because there is no other name for a Mike Leach book, it promises to be Leach's views on everything from coaching to leadership to barometric pressure to the best item to get on McDonald's breakfast menu. Plus, the part where he mentions how much Craig James REALLY REALLY sucks will be awesome.

Who better to review such important tales of pirating, scoreboard lighting up, and dating advice than America's favorite movie star who became one of his characters in real life, Matthew McConaughey. .

Take it away, Matthew*...


"He’s one of the most unique people I’ve ever met. He’s infinitely curious about everything. He doesn’t come in there and meet new situations with an agenda. He likes to walk straight up and ask the tough questions. He loves it when someone is real as can be. He wants to learn something new. He wants to hear another point of view on something.

Mike Leach is an infinitely interesting guy. His free association is epic. Nobody has the ability to free associate like this guy. He starts going and you’re thinking, ‘O.K., where are you going with this?’ I love his re-set. His re-set line is always, ‘well, the thing is.’ Whenever he switches gears to another subject, that his comma, it’s ‘Well, the thing is. . . ‘"

Real?


"As can be."

Free association?


"Epic."

If you called Mike Leach "Melba Toast," which it's highly possible you do, what would he be packing?





*Did not make the quote up. That's his actual review on the Amazon page.

Jordan George Thomas Jefferson

Like his completion percentage, Jordan Jefferson gets half of the answer right:




I'LL BET WE ALL LOOK ALIKE TO YOU, JORDAN.

Things That Go Faster Than They Probably Should

Supersonic jets


Sonic the Hedgehog


College football season


Usain Bolt


Dexter McCluster


John Avery
(I'll stop with the Ole Miss; I have so little to hold on to now)


The General Lee


Time while playing Modern Warfare 2


Days with temperatures that don't immediately create back and ass sweat


2011 Nissan Altima*

*Only when driven by Oregon defensive back Cliff Harris. 118 in a 65? SIX CYLINDERS OF RAW AMERICAN MUSCLE CAR.

This Man Will Make $425,000 Next Season

This shows all you kids out there that if you're hungry, aggressive, never rise above the level of running backs or receivers coach (minus two years where you were a co-offensive coordinator with your head coach, in which your duties included saying "Yes, sir!" and chest bumping), master taking care of people and working in the shadows from December to February, and are really, really good at waving a towel, you too can make just shy of half a million dollars in a calendar year.

But, if you're really lucky, you can be completely overmatched, compile a 6-45 record as a head coach with a former employer, have your defense rank 68th and 60th in the country in total defense and 79th and 53rd in scoring defense in your first two years of employment in your current job, fall ass-backwards into an All-American defensive tackle who is now gone, and you can make $500,000 in one year.

/drives to gas station
/impatiently waits for a pump to open
/FINALLY gets access to a pump
/accidentally opens the hood
/closes hood and opens gas tank
/swipes debit card
/YES THIS IS A DEBIT CARD, HOW PERCEPTIVE OF YOU, STUPID MACHINE
/enters pin
/selects 87 octane from pump
/places nozzle in mouth
/begins fueling
/drinks pump dry
/spends last breath refusing car wash and receipt