ESPN's Joe Schad is Wading Through the Miami/Florida/Pitt Mess

ESPN's czar of the BlackBerry and friend of every person named Source or Sources, Joe Schad, is on the case of the Miami, Florida and Pitt job openings. Though, one could argue the Pitt jobs is already reserved for an ex-NFL coordinator or coach, thus there is no opening there (Norv Turner, you, sir, have life after San Diego). Regardless, Schad has been busy working all lines of communication, including one of his top sources:

That Guy Down By The Pier

After an early afternoon craving for halibut, Schad had the valet bring around his jet black Audi S4 and headed down to the pier (He eats the things right off the boat.  Is it weird?  No doubt.  Safe?  Only if you've got a stomach like Schad's.  Economical?  I did mention the S4, right?).  After polishing off his halibut, he decided that he might as well kill two birds with one stone and went looking for his guy.  He found That Guy Down By The Pier smoking a heater and watching two fellow pier residents throw pieces of glass at seagulls trying to out-muscle them for some Cheetos.

Once Schad agreed to pay for a 24-piece, $3.99 shrimp ring from Captain D's, That Guy Down By The Pier started talking.  Schad furiously transcribed juicy details with the world's most agile BlackBerry thumbs and here's what he's now reporting.

MIAMI

Tommy Tuberville
"He's not not happy about being in Lubbock, but he's not pleased either. How the hell he lasted this long, I'll never know. Let's see if the winter breaks him. You ever been to Lubbock in January? Passed through there once on the way to Amarillo. Let's put it this way, I'd rather live under a pier and fight ex-longshoremen with broken bottles over scraps of blubber than spend 45 seconds in Lubbock in late January."


Mike Leach
"He was not really a candidate, but has recently become one because he keeps talking to every person with a microphone, pen and keyboard how great he'd be at Miami. Sort of like a form of brainwashing. Like the George Costanza treatment. Co-stan-za! Damn, I loved that show. By the way, you do realize he went from Lubbock to Key West. I tried to figure out on my calculator just how big of a percentage upgrade that was, but it was missing the six, eight and nine buttons."


Michael Irvin
"The Playmaker's got his radio show in Dallas, but he misses talking to the kids. Particularly reminding them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again just how they did things when he was at the U. And how they're not living up to that legacy. Then he'll show them one of the Super Bowl rings and indignantly walk out. Not sure that's what they're looking for though."


Dave Wannstedt
"The University is pushing hard across all fronts to become more "green." And what better way for the football program to do their part than by hiring 100% recycled material. He recruits well so there will be no pollutants left when he's fired in four years. Sure he's not as sturdy and quality as original material, but Miami should get a nice tax break for being so eco-friendly."

FLORIDA

Dan Mullen
"Seems to be the first name everyone thought of when Urban called it quits. I'm not so sure he gets the first call. Or the second. Or the third. Maybe fourth. Probably fifth. Florida first has to go through their standard checklist of Bob Stoops, Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden before moving on to people who might actually take the job."


Bobby Petrino
"Even with a 10-2 record, things have grown a little stale in Fayetteville. After all, he's been there for TWO YEARS. That kind of commitment wears a man down. Plus, it's been quite some time since he firmly planted a knife in someone's back."


Tim Tebow
"Yeah, he's still hoping the NFL thing works out, but have you seen his throwing motion? Looks like a softball windup. I thought they worked on that.  If Florida put a plaque up commemorating some speech he gave after they LOST and before he graduated, they'll offer him the job. Though, I think they think he is still eligible to play."


The Head Ball Coach
"He's got the stink of South Carolina all over him, which is much like the smell of rotting halibut, but nothing washes that off like a virtually unlimited athletic budget and talent sitting on your front porch. And no Stephen Garcia."

PITT

Norv Turner
"Probably book it."


Dave Campo
"Book it."


Sylvester Croom
"BAM!"

/all 27 Pitt fans jump off bridge into the Allegheny
/State fans cackle with delight

Bowl Preview Spectacular Extravaganza Gala

Up two teams from last season, this year's crop of bowl teams includes 70, yes, that is a 7 and a 0, worthy to marginally worthy to totally UConn squads.  To help you differentiate between, say, the New Mexico Bowl and the uDrove Humanitarian Bowl (note:  there is no difference), I attempt to offer some limited assistance, but it's up to you to decide which ones you'd rather watch.  And, let's be honest, while most are horribly unwatchable, there is absolutely nothing else on TV during December and early January.  Damn you, TV and your extended breaks during holidays. 

New Mexico Bowl
BYU (6-6) vs. UTEP (6-6)
Pro:  The game is played in the early afternoon, which reduces players' and fans' chances of freezing to death by at least 80%.
Con:  After the result of this game, both teams will still have a combined .500 record
Way to make it better:  Move this thing out of the stadium and onto the desert floor, then maybe we can squeeze a picturesque painting out of this ordeal.

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl
Northern Illinois (10-3) vs. Fresno State (8-4)
Pro:  Northern Illinois's coach just left to go to Minnesota, so there's a chance we could have a Varsity Blues situation, minus the showdown in the locker room at halftime.  And the horrible accents.  I hope for the Huskies sake they have a James Van Der Beek at quarterback.
Con:  I have seen Fresno State play an entire game of football and I never want to watch them again.
Way to make it better:  Boise, Idaho in June.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl
Ohio (8-4) vs. Troy (7-5)
Pro:  I have always wanted to see a MAC and Sun Belt team in front of 12,000 people even though I've ignored it every Tuesday and Wednesday night since September.
Con:  Did I just type the words "MAC" and "Sun Belt?"
/scans last sentence
Yes, I did.
Way to make it better:  Throwback game at old Tulane Stadium.  Or the empty lot where Tulane Stadium once stood.  Or inside the building that sits on that once empty lot.

Beef 'O' Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg Bowl
Southern Mississippi (8-4) vs. Louisville (6-6)
Pro:  It's not easy having the word "bowl" in the title twice while successfully using two of the word's definitions.
Con:  Are the faux Irish strong at producing quality beef dishes?
Way to make it better:  More chotchkies on the wall, preferably an oversized stop light, a Kansas license plate and picture of a team of skydivers.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl
Utah (10-2) vs. Boise State (11-1)
Pro:  21 wins between the two with a threat of competent football.
Con:  Unfortunately, it's only a 15% threat from Utah.  Did you see the TCU game?
Way to make it better:  ANY KIND OF GAMBLING.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl
Navy (8-3) vs. San Diego State (8-4)
Pro:  San Diego.
Con:  There's a chance, a chance, it might be partly cloudy and only 71 degrees.
Way to make it better:  You and your perfect weather, San Diego.  Always looking down your nose at the rest of us.  I'll show you.  Watch me not watch most of this game.  Part of this game.  A quarter of this game.  Shit.  The intro.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl
Hawaii (10-3) vs. Tulsa (9-3)
Pro:  I think we've got an outside shot at 61,000 yards passing.
Con:  I said this last year, but every game I've ever watched taking place in Hawaii's stadium involves debris blowing across the field or swirling in the air.  What the hell is that?  This is not Costa Rica vs. Honduras in soccer.  CLEAN THAT CRAP UP.
Way to make it better:  Have the game serve as the backdrop to Saved By The Bell:  Hawaiian Reunion.  Like you wouldn't watch that.

Little Caesars Bowl
Florida International (6-6) vs. Toledo (8-4)
Pro:  I'm not sure anything in Detroit, and certainly anything in Detroit in December, has a pro.
Con:  I find it absolutely delicious that Isiah Thomas' Florida International basketball team lost to Jackson State, a member of the SWAC, which is usually in the race for the worst basketball conference in America.
Way to make it better:  $5 Hot-n-Ready pizzas for all.  These things are delicious, provided you eat the whole pizza in one sitting.  Saving that stuff for later ruins what little zest is actually in the pizza.  So to recap, it's cheap, tastily edible, but you'll be left feeling like a complete fatass for eating the whole thing.  HOW DARE YOU JUDGE ME.

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl
Air Force (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (6-6)
Pro:  Running.
Con:  Passing.
Way to make it better:  Bring back Poulan Weedeater.

Champs Sports Bowl
West Virginia (9-3) vs. NC State (8-4)
Pro:  Bill Stewart will have a month to fine-tune his Country Bear Jamboree offense, which consists mostly of 11 out-of-tune banjos and a washboard trying to make a passable song.
Con:  Tom O'Brien has a month to conceive of ways to bleed out what little interest there is in watching this game.
Way to make it better:  Stimulants for O'Brien and doses of logic for Stewart.

Insight Bowl
Missouri (10-2) vs. Iowa (7-5)
Pro:  Wait, Missouri won 10 games?  When did this happen?  Is that also counting last year?  I don't believe that happened.
Con:  It's unfortunate Iowa quarterback Ricky Stanzi cut down on his tendency to throw the ball to the other team.  The game could have used the spice of a five interception day from Stanzi, which he did once last year, so there's always a chance.
Way to make it better:  Stanzi, and only Stanzi, is allowed to wear a uniform made out of an American flag from a tank unit in World War II North Africa.

Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman
East Carolina (6-6) vs. Maryland (8-4)
Pro:  Ruffin McNeill's Pirate defense is actually worse than that of Tyrone Nix.  McNeill's defense gave up a staggering 43.4 points a game, almost 10 more than Nix's.  CANNOT.  IMAGINE.  THE.  HORROR.
Con:  We'll have to watch McNeill sweat, and I mean literally, sweat.  It's like he has the entire Great Salt Lake within his body and all of it must come out in three and a half hours.
Way to make it better:  A few dozen towels and a couple of fresh shirts for McNeill.

Texas Bowl
Illinois (6-6) vs. Baylor (7-5)
Pro:  Ron Zook alone is LIFE ON THE EDGE.
Con:  Ron Zook alone is also HOW IS THIS MAN ALLOWED TO COACH FOOTBALL.
Way to make it better:  Zook calls the shots for both sides and somehow Baylor wins.

Valero Alamo Bowl
Oklahoma State (10-2) vs. Arizona (7-5)
Pro:  I've scored this one as a toss-up between watching the Cowboys' offense when it's clicking and Mike Stoops shooting rage out of his eyeballs when something, anything happens.
Con:  I see that Craig James is going to be behind the mic here.  Last year, he did this game with Mike Patrick, and together those two spent an entire half of football laying out why Mike Leach deserved to get fired because James' son wasn't getting to play.  BURN IN A FIRE.
Way to make it better:  Let's not renew James' contract next time around, ESPN.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl
Army (6-5) vs. SMU (7-6)
Pro:  I love old tales of boosters who didn't give a damn and players who held out both hands (as long as it's not of my team).  So I can't wait for ESPN's latest 30 for 30 documentary, Pony Excess, about the bat shit craziness that was going on at SMU in the 80's.
Con:  I can wait to see this game.
Way to make it better:  The game is televised by thousands of cameras on these:

Only $19.99! Call now!

New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Kansas State (7-5) vs. Syracuse (7-5)
Pro: Not being at this game where you would:
1. Watch a truly horrible game.
2. Pay $16.75* for a beer
3. Spend three and a half hours in the Bronx
4. Did I mention Syracuse and Kansas State were playing?
Con: Everything associated with this game is pure evil.
Way to make it better: Conduct a home run derby while the game is being played.
*As a user of Confederate currency, this is only an estimation of what I think a beer costs in Yankee greenbacks.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
North Carolina (7-5) vs. Tennessee (6-6)
Pro: The chance to see UT AD Mike Hamilton grind his teeth down as he watches his school lose to a team he spent $750,000 on NOT to play.
Con: In late December in Nashville it's entirely possible you could see a group of frozen dead fans staring wide-eyed into one of the cameras.
Way to make it better: Let Vince Young play all-time quarterback until he either injures his woman parts or cries and throws his shoulder pads into the stands.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl
Nebraska (10-3) vs. Washington (6-6)
Pro: Nebraska has now lost two straight Big 12 Championship Games by a field goal, but at least it won't happen next year. They'll get their chance to do the same though, while in the Big Ten/Twelve/Conference/Cold Conference. Not really a pro, just an interesting fact.
Con: WASHINGTON.
Way to make it better: A counter in the corner of the screen for the pieces of gum Bo Pelini chews during the game. Or, how many fury smacks he makes when he watches his offense shit the bed on yet another possession.

Meineke Car Care Bowl
South Florida (7-5) vs. Clemson (6-6)
Pro: You can see the team that almost kept UConn out of a BCS game, then yell profanities at them for the duration.
Con: You get to watch Kyle Parker play quarterback and be reminded of his horrendous throw to a wide-open wide receiver in overtime against Auburn that could have stopped the Auburn freight train before it reached maximum velocity.
Way to make it better: DO NOT WATCH.

Hyundai Sun Bowl
Notre Dame (7-5) vs. Miami (7-5)
Pro: If you are not at the game, you do not have a chance to get abducted and taken into Mexico where you will never be seen again. I would think that's a pretty solid positive.
Con: The tens of thousands of references to the glory days of Miami and Notre Dame, which, if you're keeping track, last happened 20 years ago before 75% of the players playing in this game were even born.
Way to make it better: Both teams represent a drug cartel and whoever wins, that cartel gets control of the area across the border from El Paso. No more violence, just standard illegal business operations.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl
Georgia (6-6) vs. Central Florida (10-3)
Pro: One last chance to check out A.J. Green against competition that best resembles your athletic ability.
Con: I vividly remember watching the 2007 Liberty Bowl, when Mississippi State and UCF played, as the second worst college football game I've ever seen. State won 3-0, but humanity lost infinity to nothing (The worst game I've ever seen? Also at the Liberty Bowl, Ole Miss' 3-0 win over Memphis in David Cutcliffe's first year. It was at night, yet still close to 110 degrees, and Ole Miss should have lost.)
Way to make it better: Hot liquor drinks for all who brave hypothermia and actually attend the game.

Chick-fil-A Bowl
South Carolina (9-4) vs. Florida State (9-4)
Pro: I will always wholeheartedly support anything and everything Chick-fil-A does. Just thinking about stuffing my face with three sandwiches in one sitting makes me ready for this game.
Con: Quarterbacks.
Way to make it better: Order multiple platters from your local Chick-fil-A and eat all of them while watching Stephen Garcia ruin one last game for the Gamecocks.

TicketCity Bowl
Northwestern (7-5) vs. Texas Tech (7-5)
Pro: Nothing screams welcome to 2011 quite like an 11 AM CT kickoff between a team without a quarterback and Tommy Tuberville's quest to suck the life out of the once-great Texas Tech offense.
Con: 11 AM on New Year's Day.
Way to make it better: Demolish one of the end zones of the Cotton Bowl while the game is being played.

Outback Bowl
Florida (7-5) vs. Penn State (7-5)
Pro: It could plant the seed to later convince yourself that, yes, it is time to go to Outback, where I find overeating a requirement.
Con: Watching a Steve Addazio offense, the Tyrone Nix defense of offenses.
Way to make it better: Avoid direct eye contact.
*EDIT:  Damn you, Urban Meyer.  Now my Addazio jokes should be replaced by jokes about you quitting because it became too hard for you to engage "total asshole" mode on a regular basis.  But I won't do it!  I won't!  Not gonna give you the satisfaction that it's about you.  Jerk.

Capital One Bowl
Alabama (9-3) vs. Michigan State (11-1)
Pro: A potentially angry Alabama team unleashed on a Michigan State team that is not an 11-1 team.
Con: A potentially indifferent Alabama team half-assing its way through a game against a Michigan State team that can still probably be beaten with a half-assed effort.
Way to make it better:  Make sure the field doesn't look like it did last year:


Gator Bowl
Mississippi State (8-4) vs. Michigan (7-5)
Pro: Denard Robinson.
Con: Greg Robinson's defense.
Way to make it better: Allow Michigan to play with 27 defenders in order to keep the game close.

Rose Bowl
Wisconsin (11-1) vs. TCU (12-0)
Pro: The pageantry. The history. The traditi...wait. TCU? The lack of a Pac-10 presence will certainly make stuff, old white men highly uncomfortable.
Con: Other than TCU being pounded into a fine paste, nothing really here.
Way to make it better: Be less fascist and get non-Big Ten and Pac-10 teams in here more often.

Fiesta Bowl
UConn (8-4) vs. Oklahoma (11-2)
Pro: After the scorching, followed by the salting of the remains Husky football, this could be the final piece of evidence as to why the Big East should lose its seat at the table with all of the grown-ups.
Con: If Oklahoma acts like Oklahoma in BCS games and loses, then the Big East becomes like Boise State and we never hear the end of it. Also, if this happens, Oklahoma should disband its football program.
Way to make it better: How about West Virginia not totally sucking and beating UConn to prevent this from happening? Just so you know, UConn lost to TEMPLE, who is also 8-4 and not going to a bowl game.

Orange Bowl
Stanford (11-1) vs. Virginia Tech (11-2)
Pro: There are is not a pro when Virginia Tech is playing on television.
Con: I believe this is Tech's 32nd straight Orange Bowl appearance, so it might be time to freshen things up in Miami.
Way to make it better: Find a way to keep it from raining.

Sugar Bowl
Ohio State (11-1) vs. Arkansas (10-2)
Pro: Terrelle Pryor gets...no, just kidding. Nothing about the Ohio State offense is a pro. Except the seven guys that will go to the NFL and leave everyone wondering why the Buckeyes are always so blah on offense. Hint: JIM TRESSEL.
Con: Ohio State.
Way to make it better: Remove the tribal arm band tattoos so adored by Ohio State players.

GoDaddy.com Bowl
Middle Tennessee State (6-6) vs. Miami (OH) (9-4)
Pro: 13 teams that have 6-6 records got into bowl games (Army is 6-5 and plays Navy this weekend, so we could have 14).
Con: Those teams will be on TV.
Way to make it better: Less MAC and a little less Sun Belt.

Cotton Bowl
LSU (10-2) vs. Texas A&M (9-3)
Pro: We'll finally get to settle the question of whether Gary Crowton or Mike Sherman is more incompetent in an offensive capacity.
Con: Pat Summerall will not be calling the game this year, which means we won't be able to enjoy name mispronunciations or incorrectly identified players.
Way to make it better:  No one want to watch these two bumble around for 60 minutes.  The entire game should be the overtime process. Much faster and will pump some life and interest into the game.

BBVA Compass Bowl
Pittsburgh (7-5) vs. Kentucky (6-6)
Pro: There's a chance Dave Wannstedt could still coach this game and give the people what they want from a final Wannstedt game, a 6-3 bloodbath.
Con: Dave Wannstedt may not coach this game.
Way to make it better: Complimentary fake mustaches for all Pitt fans (and Kentucky fans, since Wannstedt is their best chance of winning) as a tribute to their coach before the door hits him in the ass on the way out.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl
Nevada (12-1) vs. Boston College (7-5)
Pro: This damn list is almost over.
Con: I'll never get back the hours it took to do this.
Way to make it better: More time and quicker wit.

BCS National Championship Game
Oregon (12-0) vs. Auburn (13-0)
Pro: Kind of an important game. Maybe you heard about it.
Con: Any shots of Trooper Taylor.
Way to make it better: Play this game with players who did NOT take hundreds of thousands of dollars for one year of service.

Belly of the Beast Readers, ASSEMBLE

It's time once again for us to gather together so that we may separate the one winner from the rest of us losers.  You may better know this process as the Fourth/Fifth-ish Annual Belly of the Beast College Bowl Pick'em Quest for Marginal Greatness.  Past winners include great people who I am sure have gone on to do a few okay-to-great things here and there.

Unlike previous years, this year's winner will take home an exclusive prize package, which includes the satisfaction of being one of life's winners, a $50 gift from yourself and a PDF that is on my computer's desktop and I can't remember what why I have it or what it is (I will not open it until I send it to you, so we're both in for a nice surprise).  So choose your picks wisely, my friends.  You can't win these things everyday.

Per the usual, if you're reading this, you're encouraged to sign up.  And don't be alarmed if you are terrible at picking games, because I look forward to battling you for last place.  Also, we're using confidence points only (no point spread).  So that means, you pick the game, assign a confidence point value to the game and earn that number of points if you correctly pick the game.  For example, if you pick Auburn over Oregon and put 35 points on it, and Auburn wins, you get 35 points.  If Auburn loses, you get nothing.  Person with the most points at the end of bowl season wins.

Here's your link and pertinent info.

Password:  seagal
Group ID#:  12298

You'll need to have a Yahoo! ID to sign up, but it's free and takes an annoyingly-long-but-really-shouldn't-be-but-still-is 15-20 seconds.

The first bowl game is on the 18th, so it would be wise to submit your picks before then.  Not required, but wise.

Give Each Other $20

There wasn't much time for anything else because, you guessed it, I am very busy and important, but I did take a few minutes to look under the couch cushions and see what fell off the plate in the past 24 hours or so.  As much as I hate powering through a round of links (finding them SUCKS), I get the feeling this could turn into a steady meal during the offseason.  Think along the lines of only one plate of a Golden Corral buffet.  It's edible, doesn't quite fill up the hole and will ultimately leave you wishing for the sweet release of death before your stomach murders itself.  With that, onward....

JEALOUS RAGE
As you've probably noticed, rage is sort of like my Vinny Testaverde of words to express my anger.  It's been around a long time, I've gotten some solid miles out of it, but it often gets overused and fails me miserably.  However, in this case, it's a perfect fit.  Texas, after a personally enjoyable for me 5-7 season, will enter 2011 without its offensive coordinator, offensive line coach and defensive line and special teams coach.  Greg Davis, Mac McWhorter (Friday Night Lights Mac?  Nnnnnnnnooooooooooo!!!) and Mike Tolleson, respectively, either resigned or retired.  I bring this up because, at last check, Tyrone Nix, James Shibest, Terry Price and Dave Rader are still gainfully employed by the University of Mississippi, who just achieved the worst season since a Shrimp Boat Captain was placed in charge of the football program.  And it's a debate whether or not the Shrimp Boat's 2007 squad could beat the 2010 team (I've got the 2010 team at -3).  WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

So that's how they do it
There's nothing groundbreaking here, but it's a solid profile piece by the New York Times on Chip Kelly and Oregon's jet-rocket-missile-(crystal meth?  I'm just sayin')-fueled offense.  The main bit of information I took away from this is that I do not ever want to play Oregon.
(You may have to register to read, but it's free, though still a complete pain in the ass.)

I assume Gerry DiNardo wasn't available
Indiana has been in the market for a new head coach to lead them to more 4-8 seasons since it fired Bill Lynch some days ago (I apologize if my knowledge of the recent history of Indiana football is a little hazy).  They've apparently tabbed Oklahoma defensive coordinator Kevin Wilson to be the next guy they fire.  Wilson, last seen wiping away the tears of laughter while watching film on UConn's offense, is set to become the Hoosier's sixth coach since 1986.

Jordan Jefferson and Jarrett Lee just lost their jobs
Former Georgia quarterback Zack Mettenberger has committed to play football at LSU.  Now, Gray, how can a guy with no college experience already have won that job?  BECAUSE HE'S NOT JORDAN JEFFERSON OR JARRETT LEE.  If you recall, Mettenberger was kicked of Georgia's team last spring after pleading guilty to two misdemeanor counts of sexual battery of a woman, or, more commonly known as putting his hands on things they should not have been on.  Let's hope he's learned his lesson and uses a different approach with the ladies.  Perhaps, something like, oh, I don't know, "Me.  Quarterback.  LSU."  That bit of gold is like fishing with dynamite.

Yes, we will be keeping that $750,000
Earlier this football season, Tennessee paid North Carolina a cool $750k NOT to play them in football in the 2011 or 2012 seasons.  Now, the two schools are matched up in the Music City Bowl.  No word if Tennessee can give the Tar Heels its share of the bowl money to not play them again.

The head of Lee Corso has been found
Not his actual head, because that would have SUCKED, but the big cartoon one made famous on GameDay and ESPN commercials.

That's not who we wanted
Minnesota fans were a little disappointed with the hiring of Jerry Kill, formerly of Northern Illinois, as their new head coach.  And that's okay, because Kill was equally disappointed when he realized that, yes, everyday in Minnesota from November to March looks exactly like this:

Belly of the Beast Year-End Awards

With Auburn's thrashing of South Carolina in the SEC Championship Game, our three-month long regular season journey comes to a close.  For some of us, those with at least semi-competent coaching and players, the journey continues into December and early January.  As is custom-ish around here, it's time to recognize those players who achieved strongly to quite strongly over the last three months, adding moments of joy to our three-month long physical and emotional odyssey that damaged our bodies, mental health and probably some relationships. 

However, the awards around here are not of the "Cam Newton is awesome" variety.  No, they are much more awesome than that.  These awards acknowledge the players who performed to such a high level that I would want to get an apartment with them, which is the highest award of which I can think.  Past roommates include Dexter McCluster, Shay Hodge, Tim Tebow, Darren McFadden, Mark Ingram and Anthony Dixon (and yes, it was a tearful moment when Dexter left for Kansas City).  There are several different tiers to the awards, mainly because living with lots of people would suck, but mostly because some dominated, some played well and others made me want to swim in pools of acid.  Congratulations to all listed, you earned your time in the spotlight.

1ST TEAM I WANT TO GET AN APARTMENT WITH HIM

Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
However, our first rule is that Cecil can never visit.  Ever.  I don't want him stealing my stuff and shopping it on eBay.  As for Cam, he took a team with no pass defense, an average run defense and one really good defensive lineman to the BCS title game.  He received some assistance from a fantastic offensive line, Gus Malzhan, one speedy running back and one solid wide receiver, but mostly it was him doing whatever the hell he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.  I've never seen anything like it, nor will I probably ever again.  I know it's probably blasphemy to say he was greater than Tim Tebow, even at the height of Tebow's powers, but I'm not sure Tebow could have gotten this team to 14-0.  I look forward to the day he goes pro and Auburn gets back to Chris Todds playing quarterback.  And when the NCAA shoves massive scholarship reductions down Auburn's throat.

Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
Yawn.  Another 30 TD, 3500-yard season.  And he did a chunk of that without his best wide receiver for the second half of the season.  Plus, with him there, we'll have to get an extra-high shower head.  As a relatively tall person, nothing is worse than a shower head that is level with my chin.  HOW DARE YOU PUT PRESSURE ON MY NECK AND THIGHS.

Marcus Lattimore, RB, South Carolina
I can't remember the rotation of SEC East teams on Ole Miss' schedule, but I think the Rebels have a chance to avoid South Carolina while Lattimore is there (assuming he goes pro after his junior year).  And to that I say, EXCELLENT.  Because with the way we tackle, 950 yards would be in play.

Alshon Jeffery, WR, South Carolina
And the same goes for Jeffery.  I have no idea who we'll be running out in our secondary in 2012, but rest assured, they will not belong on the same field as Jeffery.  I'm not sure what Steve Spurrier's had in mind during Saturday's championship game, but there should have been zero plays in which Jeffery and Lattimore were not involved.

Knile Davis, RB, Arkansas
Though I nearly leapt through my television to strangle him when he fumbled against Mississippi State, Davis was Arkansas' second-best player.  He also pulled a 2009 Dexter McCluster, gaining only 203 yards through the first six games, then in the final six, 980.

Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
Even with an injured hand (though Nick Saban had it replaced with a machine-like Luke Skywalker hand), he was virtually unguardable anywhere within 15 yards of the line of scrimmage.  And it will be nice to have someone with a touch of Saban discipline to help run a tight ship around the apartment.  PAY YOUR SHARE OF THE ELECTRIC BILL, RYAN.

A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
The single reason I said to myself, "Hey, self, that Aaron Murray isn't all that bad."

Randall Cobb, WR, Kentucky
This way I'll know what he looks like.  By the way, Cobb was the all-purpose yardage leader in the conference by over 600 yards.

Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
Ever wonder what a deer would look like if you put pads and a helmet on it?  This is your answer.

Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
Though I imagine he'd spend most of his time in the apartment in timeout for trying to break everyone else's spine, he has earned the right to be there and attempt to break said spines.

1ST TEAM HE CAN LIVE NEXT DOOR TO US

Stevan Ridley, RB, LSU
Ridley broke 1,000 yards and scored 14 touchdowns with two quarterbacks who combined for six touchdowns and 10 interceptions.  Repeat, six touchdowns and 10 interceptions.  Oh, and they went 10-2.  What a bunch of assholes.

Brandon Bolden, RB, Ole Miss
At six yards a carry, it would have been nice to see what he could have done had he averaged something close to 20 carries a game, instead of 13.6.

/SHAKES FISTS OF RAGE AT THE SKY.

Drake Nevis, DT, LSU
The Shrimp Boat Captain had this guy committed to Ole Miss, only to lose him late due to "pressures."  By this, I mean money.  Or I assume.  Who wouldn't want to play for a moron that had won three conference games in two years and was about to get fired?  I doubt that had anything to do with it.

Vick Ballard, RB, Mississippi State
Missed a game and still scored 16 touchdowns, which was only one behind Lattimore (and amazingly four behind Newton).  Plus, when he comes over to play Call of Duty, he can give us the latest on how soon Dan Mullen is going to Miami.

The Auburn Offensive Line
It typically helps a quarterback when an offensive line provides enough time to make a sandwich, then find an open receiver.  And if they happen to smash some knees and ACLs along the way, even better.  I considered this group for getting into the apartment, but didn't want all those fat guys eating all the food and smashing my ACL while enjoying our nine-foot high shower head.

1ST TEAM HE CAN LIVE IN OUR APARTMENT COMPLEX

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama
He missed two games, had an offensive coordinator who enjoyed drives in which no rushes were attempted (these also resulted in punts) and split time with another back, and still had a pretty solid season.  His performance against Arkansas was one of the greatest individual showings of the whole season.

Aaron Murray, QB, Georgia
Mike Hartline, QB, Kentucky
Roommates.  Inexplicably, wait.....because the SEC East sucked, these two combined for 47 TDs and only 15 INTs.

Danny Trevathan, LB, Kentucky
Featured last April in this space, the self-described Flowddaa Boy, led the SEC in tackles, and any good apartment complex needs a good linebacker.  Also, you are welcome, Danny for your preseason plug that clearly led to your success.

Josh Jasper, K, LSU
We've got to have a kicker.  And a punter.  And someone who can field a lateral on a bounce, then run for a first down on a game-winning drive.  Again, assholes.

1ST TEAM I'M SURE THERE'S A DORM ROOM ON CAMPUS FOR YOU
Director of Housing Houston Nutt will make sure your room meets the minimum number of regulations allowed by law during your stay.  If you have any questions or concerns, please contact your Resident Advisor, Tyrone Nix.

The Ole Miss Defense
Linebackers, you get the top bunk.  Defensive line, you're on the bottom bunk, and secondary, you'll be, well, we don't know where you'll be since you got lost on the way over.  Staying on task is not your strength.

Jordan Jefferson, QB, LSU
Jarrett Lee, QB, LSU
Again, six touchdowns and 10 interceptions, yet a 10-2 record.  All together now, ASSHOLES.

The Auburn Secondary
The South Carolina Secondary
Somehow, these units finished behind Ole Miss in pass defense.  After watching Ole Miss play defense for 12 games, I find that almost impossible to believe.

/looks out window
/sees Jeremy McGee running around in circles across the street
/Johnny Brown sprints by, headed in an undetermined direction

John Brantley, QB, Florida
At least Steve Addazio and Urban Meyer promised they'd help him move in to the dorm.

Chris Rainey, RB, Florida
Time to not suck, bitch.

Matt Simms, QB, Tennessee
Was unable to complete a pass against Ole Miss.  Yes, I do count 0 for 1.

Vanderbilt
Worst loss in Ole Miss history?  Worst loss in Ole Miss history.

THEY CAN STAY IN MY ROOM IF THEY'RE BETWEEN PLACES
Sorry, rest of SEC, this spot is reserved for the Ole Miss guys that looked like they gave a shit all season, and give me a reason to get sucked into the 2011 season before it starts.

Jeff Scott, RB
Even though the SEC attributes his kickoff return stats to Cliff Coleman, who broke his foot before the season started and never played a down (and is also a defensive back), Scott offered speed and a legitimate threat to score every time he touched the ball.  Would have been nice if all of Enrique Davis' carries could have gone to Scott.  WHAT DOES ENRIQUE HAVE ON YOU, HOUSTON.

D.T. Shackelford, LB/DE
A natural linebacker, our defensive ends were so horrible that we eventually placed Shackelford at DE in passing situations, followed by playing him there most of the time.  Solid year for a guy who was moved around so much.  If we can find non-awful defensive ends before next season, I look for a big year in 2011 from Shackelford at linebacker.

Jeremiah Masoli, QB
Even though he won't be around in 2011 and he had his moments of sucking, he's always welcome in the apartment.  Without him, we go 0-8 in the SEC and aren't even in the handful of games in which we were competitive.  His coming to Ole Miss saved Nathan Stanley's life and kept Ole Miss fans from watching the worst team in the history of Ole Miss football.