Even though the firestorm combined with an F5 tornado that is college football expansion has seemingly run its course (AT LEAST FOR THIS YEAR, YOU NAIVE FOOLS), there are still a few questions remaining. The most important of which, and also the most impossible to answer, is how did the BP-level incompetent Dan Beebe pull the Big 12 out of a nearly cement-encased tomb and into the world of the living? Unfortunately, it shall remain a secret the universe will never tell. Nevertheless, we will press on and attempt to recap the day's events and answer a few questions.
The Basic Plot
Texas and company (mainly and most importantly Texas) were promised enough money to keep their interests in the Big 12. Once it was certain that the Big 12 was not going to fall apart, Texas A&M ended its talks with the SEC and chose to stay as well. The Big 12 lives on at the promise, not actual though, of money in a new, very high dollar TV deal. Risky? No doubt, but the Pac-10 deal was all speculation as well. And Baylor, Kansas, Kansas State and Missouri sent $100 gift baskets to all the important people at Texas for keeping their respective schools alive.
Reason #1 Texas chose to keep the Big 12 alive
Commissioner Dan Beebe dropped off a suitcase of highly valuable bald eagle scalps (tremendous street value in Bolivia) in Austin. Perhaps I made that up (or is he really a poacher?), but what he did do was promise Texas straight cash money from a TV deal and assured the Longhorns that they would be allowed to pursue their own network with which, combined with the conference TV money, they would generate more money than most continents do in a fiscal year. The Pac-10 had informed Texas that they could not create their own network for reasons that I'm sure only enlightened West Coast people could understand.
In-the-gray-area reason #1 Texas chose to keep the Big 12 alive
While Texas was flirting with the idea of going west, Texas A&M begin to flirt with the idea of going east to the SEC. Had they joined the SEC, the recruiting grounds of the state of Texas would have become wide open to the vultures of SEC recruiting (probably would have worked better with a bird of prey, but I like saying the word vulture). This notion caused Texas to nearly choke on the cigars they were smoking, which of course were lit by $100 bills (How do you light yours? With a match? Or a lighter? What are you, poor?). The majority of the Longhorns' talent comes from its home state and the idea of fighting off the likes of LSU and Alabama for those players was a little too terrifying.
In-the-gray-area reason #2 Texas chose to keep the Big 12 alive
Texas has a pretty good setup going right now. They play one game a year (Oklahoma) and occasionally have to deal with a gnat like Texas Tech, but the rest of the schedule is a parade right to a BCS game. By leaving the Big 12 the road would get a little tougher in the Pac-10, not by much, but somewhat. This is probably the most important reason they'll never join the SEC. Why make it harder on yourself if you don't have to? Even though everyone will make fun of you and your girl parts.
In-the-gray-area reason #3 Texas chose to keep the Big 12 alive
Academics. You see...I want to send a flying roundhouse kick to the temple of anyone who utters that word when college football is discussed. This is college football, no one gives a damn about academics. EVERY DECISION FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF TIME WILL ALWAYS BE BASED ON MONEY. ALWAYS. REPEAT: ALWAYS. So let's stop pretending learnin' and shit is even considered.
What happens next
Most likely, this is a temporary extension for the Big 12's existence. They need two more teams to add a conference championship game (per NCAA rules) and I'm not sure who they can steal to make this a legitimate conference. I read a rumor that involved BYU and Air Force, but that has little to no believability. And so, there lies a major problem. Can they get two teams to help raise the price of the TV deal or will they try to move on with just 10 teams? Moving forward with just 10 teams will hurt their BCS credibility and more importantly hurt the giant TV contract they all seem to think is headed their way. Unless they find two solid additions to the conference, we'll see the Big 12 collapse again at some point, but I get the feeling that next time it will be a much more organized collapse.
Are we finally done with all this expansion talk?
Sweet merciful crap, I hope so. But with Jim Delany still stalking around, there's always a chance he'll get in a shit-stirring mood and we'll be right here again. And it is times like these I am reminded how much I hate the Big Ten.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend Headlines
Expansion talk calms the hell down; relaxes by the pool with its drink of choice.
While Texas continues to figure out what it really wants to do (and Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Texas Tech wait for Texas to tell them what to do), it appears as though an internal battle between men with large hats is taking place at Texas A&M over whether the school should join the Pac-10 or SEC. One group wants to follow Texas and the other Big 12 schools to the Pac-10 and the other prefers a future in the SEC. The Houston Chronicle is reporting that A&M will join the SEC, but allegedly the decision has not been decreed to be law by anyone with the authority to do so. I'm hoping the closed-door meetings will begin with civil discussions, eventually turning to insults being hurled and finalized with a lasso contest. Or sheep shearing. And by the way, if you're keeping score at home, Texas A&M would give the SEC West (assuming they'll be placed there) four agricultural schools (LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State are the other three).
Missouri rides in on a flaming black stallion to save the day.
In a last-ditch effort to keep itself from falling into a black hole, important people at Missouri met for the fourth time in four days to figure out a way to save the Big 12. The ideas that made it all the way to day four include: a bake sale, wrapping paper sales, buying Texas a really nice watch and doing everyone's laundry for the next two years. They've yet to hear back from anyone, but just in case Texas lost their number it's 573-882-6501. They'll be up at all hours.
A pair of SEC student-athletes spend their weekends enjoying time at the BSU.
Arkansas' Van Stumon and Florida's Frankie Hammond Jr. (who might have a future in Disney movies with a name like that) got their drankin' and drivin' on (and in Hammond's case got his underage version on) during their respective quests to not be bored during summer school. While I'm sure we can all understand the need to fill the boring times in college (I HATE EVERYONE IN COLLEGE, YOU LUCKY BASTARDS) with stupidity, we all know it's best to find those activities that do not lead to nights or hours spent in a local detention center. I recommend laying/lying (I refuse to learn that rule) on the couch, moving to the recliner when that gets old and periodically checking the fridge to see if anyone has magically put some food in there. Dammit, I miss college.
England thrashes America in World Cup opener; celebrates by swapping extremely dry jokes.
A win by the United States was probably a little too much for which to ask (although we had our chances to win), but a tie was certainly achievable and the team delivered one. Things got a little shaky in the second half when England remembered it had a gear we don't have, but our guys held it together and got a huge point. Now if the defense can figure out how to not create a hurricane-like shitstorm made up of poor communication and marking in the back, wins should happen against Algeria and Slovenia, which would get us into the round of 16. Most likely we would face Germany, and in a one-game format anything can happen. Including Germany running like a Jim Delany buzzsaw through Dan Beebe's Big 12 as they did to Australia on Sunday.
While Texas continues to figure out what it really wants to do (and Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Texas Tech wait for Texas to tell them what to do), it appears as though an internal battle between men with large hats is taking place at Texas A&M over whether the school should join the Pac-10 or SEC. One group wants to follow Texas and the other Big 12 schools to the Pac-10 and the other prefers a future in the SEC. The Houston Chronicle is reporting that A&M will join the SEC, but allegedly the decision has not been decreed to be law by anyone with the authority to do so. I'm hoping the closed-door meetings will begin with civil discussions, eventually turning to insults being hurled and finalized with a lasso contest. Or sheep shearing. And by the way, if you're keeping score at home, Texas A&M would give the SEC West (assuming they'll be placed there) four agricultural schools (LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State are the other three).
Missouri rides in on a flaming black stallion to save the day.
In a last-ditch effort to keep itself from falling into a black hole, important people at Missouri met for the fourth time in four days to figure out a way to save the Big 12. The ideas that made it all the way to day four include: a bake sale, wrapping paper sales, buying Texas a really nice watch and doing everyone's laundry for the next two years. They've yet to hear back from anyone, but just in case Texas lost their number it's 573-882-6501. They'll be up at all hours.
A pair of SEC student-athletes spend their weekends enjoying time at the BSU.
Arkansas' Van Stumon and Florida's Frankie Hammond Jr. (who might have a future in Disney movies with a name like that) got their drankin' and drivin' on (and in Hammond's case got his underage version on) during their respective quests to not be bored during summer school. While I'm sure we can all understand the need to fill the boring times in college (I HATE EVERYONE IN COLLEGE, YOU LUCKY BASTARDS) with stupidity, we all know it's best to find those activities that do not lead to nights or hours spent in a local detention center. I recommend laying/lying (I refuse to learn that rule) on the couch, moving to the recliner when that gets old and periodically checking the fridge to see if anyone has magically put some food in there. Dammit, I miss college.
England thrashes America in World Cup opener; celebrates by swapping extremely dry jokes.
A win by the United States was probably a little too much for which to ask (although we had our chances to win), but a tie was certainly achievable and the team delivered one. Things got a little shaky in the second half when England remembered it had a gear we don't have, but our guys held it together and got a huge point. Now if the defense can figure out how to not create a hurricane-like shitstorm made up of poor communication and marking in the back, wins should happen against Algeria and Slovenia, which would get us into the round of 16. Most likely we would face Germany, and in a one-game format anything can happen. Including Germany running like a Jim Delany buzzsaw through Dan Beebe's Big 12 as they did to Australia on Sunday.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Now Come the Questions We're All Afraid to Ask
It was without a doubt the most exciting Thursday a football offseason has ever seen. In fact, if not for the Juice riding around in his Bronco for a few hours on LA's freeways after he killed his ex-wife and her boyfriend some years ago, I submit it was the most exciting day in the month of June in the last 20 years (I suppose calling a murder's half-hearted flee from justice exciting is probably in bad taste, so maybe that should be entertaining/compelling/riveting/interesting.). In the last 12 hours, the following took place:
-Colorado will now fly west for all of its conference sporting events.
-USC had their business (almost literally true) smashed to pieces by 67 pages of 8 1/2 X 11 paper.
-Just about every team not in the Pac-10, Big Ten or SEC was involved in a rumor that had them in a new conference.
And Friday could be even more out of control. If Nebraska formally announces they will move to the Big Ten as they are expected to, the next move on the checkers board (this is college football, no one is smart enough to play chess) goes to the Texas bloc (not quite as communist as the old school Eastern Bloc, but still a bloc) or the SEC, if it chooses to make a preemptive strike. Either one of those moves could result in two to five teams making a move to a new conference while destroying an old one. Or nothing could happen and tomorrow could be like the second day of this year's NCAA Tournament. Enjoyable, yes, but ultimately a letdown.
While expansion and its three ring circus with dozens of bears juggling Volkswagens filled with clowns and giraffes has made this offseason one of the most enjoyable, no one is asking the questions that lie beneath the surface of this madness. Things like, is this ultimately good for college football? Or, is this the first major step in the direction of a playoff system? But most importantly, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE SCHEDULE-FILLER CONFERENCES? I'm talking about C-USA, the Sun Belt, the WAC, the MWC and the MAC. THESE TEAMS HAVE TO SURVIVE IN ORDER FOR MOST OF US TO MAKE BOWL GAMES.
And in order for them to survive, they'll need as many people in their, for lack of a better term, conference district. And in districts that include the likes of Bowling Green, Denton and Moscow, that means they need as much square mileage as possible. Right now, the WAC has the jump on everyone because they have something close to 876 billion square miles of real estate, or roughly the planet Mars, so if the Big 12 does indeed collapse, there won't be much time to waste on picking away at the financial road kill that is the group of Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Baylor and Iowa State.
First, a few bits of information to consider. Kansas will probably be forced to take near-I-70 partner Kansas State with them. Snatching up this pair will certainly boost basketball prowess for a conference, but not square mileage. Missouri, which has faxed its resume to the Big Ten everyday, three times a day for the last month (and twice a day to the SEC), will be a pretty easy get. Cold reality has just smashed them in the nose and they have realized just how far up shit creek in a sinking Cuban refugee raft they really are. They should be the last phone call a conference makes. And as for Baylor and Iowa State, they're not so much desperate as they are indifferent. They know they're going to suck no matter where they go, which is good news for all the other bad teams, so they should be told where to go rather than asked to join.
If I'm in C-USA, I'm making a play for the Kansas schools. Even though basketball doesn't matter in the money game, it would at least boost Memphis' NCAA Tournament resume so they wouldn't have to win the conference tournament every year to go to the NCAAs. More importantly, the four corners of your empire are Manhattan, El Paso, Orlando and Greenville, North Carlina. You now cover the Southeast, parts of Atlantic Seaboard, a few Midwestern states and parts of the Southwest. That's three different time zones, more miles than I want to count and a lot of damn people with which to market you low-level mediocre product.
The Sun Belt could overtake C-USA and become the size of the Ottoman Empire if they add Iowa State. Denton, Texas to Ames, Iowa to Bowling Green, Kentucky to Miami, Florida. You'd need like 425 divisions of the Turkish army to control all of that. And control it they would. Burning villages, genocide, the works. Plus, the addition of the Cyclones gives the conference another football team that is exactly like all of the other football teams and doesn't rock the jon-boat.
As for the MAC, well, I'm pretty sure it doesn't really exist. It's just an ESPN creation to fill a ratings black hole in Tuesday and Wednesday night programming. Apparently, Stump the Schwab just wasn't cutting it in Bristol. Have you ever seen a game involving MAC teams not played during the week? There's a reason they don't have names on their jerseys, it's because only two teams exist.
The WAC and Mountain West don't appear to be so urgent to make a move. The WAC probably would like to find a way to sell Louisiana Tech to someone else, but Ruston just doesn't have the street value it once had. And the MWC enjoys adding nothing, other than the same yearly argument that they belong in the BCS.
So there they are, the ideal scenarios for the schedule-fillers of the world (note: this term does not include Boise St., TCU, Utah, Fresno State in good years, BYU, Air Force and sometimes Houston). The key to survival is square mileage, gentlemen. Or, if massive expansion doesn't happen, it is four $800,000 - $1.2 million contracts to take four road trips a season to receive a vicious beating at the hands of school whose 18-wheeler equipment truck costs more than your school.
-Colorado will now fly west for all of its conference sporting events.
-USC had their business (almost literally true) smashed to pieces by 67 pages of 8 1/2 X 11 paper.
-Just about every team not in the Pac-10, Big Ten or SEC was involved in a rumor that had them in a new conference.
And Friday could be even more out of control. If Nebraska formally announces they will move to the Big Ten as they are expected to, the next move on the checkers board (this is college football, no one is smart enough to play chess) goes to the Texas bloc (not quite as communist as the old school Eastern Bloc, but still a bloc) or the SEC, if it chooses to make a preemptive strike. Either one of those moves could result in two to five teams making a move to a new conference while destroying an old one. Or nothing could happen and tomorrow could be like the second day of this year's NCAA Tournament. Enjoyable, yes, but ultimately a letdown.
While expansion and its three ring circus with dozens of bears juggling Volkswagens filled with clowns and giraffes has made this offseason one of the most enjoyable, no one is asking the questions that lie beneath the surface of this madness. Things like, is this ultimately good for college football? Or, is this the first major step in the direction of a playoff system? But most importantly, WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO THE SCHEDULE-FILLER CONFERENCES? I'm talking about C-USA, the Sun Belt, the WAC, the MWC and the MAC. THESE TEAMS HAVE TO SURVIVE IN ORDER FOR MOST OF US TO MAKE BOWL GAMES.
And in order for them to survive, they'll need as many people in their, for lack of a better term, conference district. And in districts that include the likes of Bowling Green, Denton and Moscow, that means they need as much square mileage as possible. Right now, the WAC has the jump on everyone because they have something close to 876 billion square miles of real estate, or roughly the planet Mars, so if the Big 12 does indeed collapse, there won't be much time to waste on picking away at the financial road kill that is the group of Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Baylor and Iowa State.
First, a few bits of information to consider. Kansas will probably be forced to take near-I-70 partner Kansas State with them. Snatching up this pair will certainly boost basketball prowess for a conference, but not square mileage. Missouri, which has faxed its resume to the Big Ten everyday, three times a day for the last month (and twice a day to the SEC), will be a pretty easy get. Cold reality has just smashed them in the nose and they have realized just how far up shit creek in a sinking Cuban refugee raft they really are. They should be the last phone call a conference makes. And as for Baylor and Iowa State, they're not so much desperate as they are indifferent. They know they're going to suck no matter where they go, which is good news for all the other bad teams, so they should be told where to go rather than asked to join.
If I'm in C-USA, I'm making a play for the Kansas schools. Even though basketball doesn't matter in the money game, it would at least boost Memphis' NCAA Tournament resume so they wouldn't have to win the conference tournament every year to go to the NCAAs. More importantly, the four corners of your empire are Manhattan, El Paso, Orlando and Greenville, North Carlina. You now cover the Southeast, parts of Atlantic Seaboard, a few Midwestern states and parts of the Southwest. That's three different time zones, more miles than I want to count and a lot of damn people with which to market you low-level mediocre product.
The Sun Belt could overtake C-USA and become the size of the Ottoman Empire if they add Iowa State. Denton, Texas to Ames, Iowa to Bowling Green, Kentucky to Miami, Florida. You'd need like 425 divisions of the Turkish army to control all of that. And control it they would. Burning villages, genocide, the works. Plus, the addition of the Cyclones gives the conference another football team that is exactly like all of the other football teams and doesn't rock the jon-boat.
As for the MAC, well, I'm pretty sure it doesn't really exist. It's just an ESPN creation to fill a ratings black hole in Tuesday and Wednesday night programming. Apparently, Stump the Schwab just wasn't cutting it in Bristol. Have you ever seen a game involving MAC teams not played during the week? There's a reason they don't have names on their jerseys, it's because only two teams exist.
The WAC and Mountain West don't appear to be so urgent to make a move. The WAC probably would like to find a way to sell Louisiana Tech to someone else, but Ruston just doesn't have the street value it once had. And the MWC enjoys adding nothing, other than the same yearly argument that they belong in the BCS.
So there they are, the ideal scenarios for the schedule-fillers of the world (note: this term does not include Boise St., TCU, Utah, Fresno State in good years, BYU, Air Force and sometimes Houston). The key to survival is square mileage, gentlemen. Or, if massive expansion doesn't happen, it is four $800,000 - $1.2 million contracts to take four road trips a season to receive a vicious beating at the hands of school whose 18-wheeler equipment truck costs more than your school.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Sensory Overload in College Football
Ah, yes, remember just two days ago when I said the only event that would happen in expansion would be Notre Dame joining the Big Ten? Well, as usual, I could not have been more wrong. In the past 10-ish hours, the Big Ten appears to be on the verge of gaining a team not named Notre Dame, the Big 12 is teetering on the brink of extinction, and the Pac-10 is set to gain at least 17 more teams. Oh, and toss in the news that USC just got hit with a level of NCAA probation that gives an indication that justice and order still exist in this world (more on that after a few more very important sentences), and I was struck with a temporary blindness that only occurs during extreme joy or terror. And IT WAS AWESOME.
A quick recap of Wednesday's events:
-Nebraska has informally decided that they will leave the Big 12 and join the Big Ten.
-Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado all have offers to join the Pac-10 and all seem ready, especially Colorado, to do so. Although, there are some very busy and very important people meeting on Thursday in Austin to discuss what the Texas schools will do.
-This article emerged saying that Texas A&M and the SEC have also had talks over the last few months about the Aggies joining the league (Take that you long-haired, no-job, Godless hippies).
-Kansas spent all day on the phone trying to persuade other schools not to leave the Big 12. They were ignored.
-One Pac-10 school kicked its quarterback off the team (and not for shitting the bed against Ohio State in the Rose Bowl).
-USC finally has to pay the toll for using the freeway of cash giveaways and illegal recruiting tactics. They received a two-year bowl ban and loss of 20 scholarships. Not to worry, Trojan fans, Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron are in charge.
I'm still, and I'm sure we all will be for at least a few more weeks, trying to comprehend what has happened and what it about to happen. For all the years I've watched college football, something like today and the next few days has never come to fruition. I suppose the closest occurrence was the dissolving of the Southwest Conference, which should be known as the Big 12 1.0 (and don't forget the old Metro Conference...actually, everyone already did and agreed it never happened), but its end and scattering of the teams didn't have nearly the impact as the coming shift will. I remember the addition of South Carolina and Arkansas to the SEC, and the additions the ACC made, both allowed for a 12-team league and a conference championship game, but not exactly earth-shattering at the time (I think you can argue that the SEC going to 12 teams and having a conference championship game was the moment that lead us to today, as it was the beginning of major, major clumps of, as Randy Moss once said, "Straight cash, homey" becoming a part of college football.).
But the complete collapse of a 12-team conference and the formation of one, possibly three mega-conferences (assuming the Big Ten and SEC add a few more teams)? Surely there is lots of jesting taking place. Conferences just don't disappear or grow by six teams and LANE KIFFIN FINALLY DIDN'T FIND THAT RANDOM $20 IN HIS POCKET. I find myself confused and delighted. Confused because I'm not sure what I truly think of the prospect of mega-conferences (it may be great at first, but what's stopping the really big schools from one day forming the official NFL Minor League System, effectively ending college football as it is now?), but ultimately delighted on this day because Lane Kiffin's anti-lottery day arrived. Sure the odds of it happening were about the same as getting mauled by a polar bear, a Kodiak bear, and struck by lightning all in the span of 20 minutes, but it happened, dammit. It finally happened.
With that said, so long Big 12 conference, Kansas football, Lane Kiffin's smirk, Ed Orgeron's recruiting budget, college football of my youth, Washington State's chances of winning more than two games before 2018 and Jeremiah Masoli. We shall not really miss any of you. Now, if the World Cup would hurry up and get here asd;lfk ababnmn g53fhky weop238dsasd
/TEMPORARY BLINDNESS RETURNS
A quick recap of Wednesday's events:
-Nebraska has informally decided that they will leave the Big 12 and join the Big Ten.
-Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Colorado all have offers to join the Pac-10 and all seem ready, especially Colorado, to do so. Although, there are some very busy and very important people meeting on Thursday in Austin to discuss what the Texas schools will do.
-This article emerged saying that Texas A&M and the SEC have also had talks over the last few months about the Aggies joining the league (Take that you long-haired, no-job, Godless hippies).
-Kansas spent all day on the phone trying to persuade other schools not to leave the Big 12. They were ignored.
-One Pac-10 school kicked its quarterback off the team (and not for shitting the bed against Ohio State in the Rose Bowl).
-USC finally has to pay the toll for using the freeway of cash giveaways and illegal recruiting tactics. They received a two-year bowl ban and loss of 20 scholarships. Not to worry, Trojan fans, Lane Kiffin and Ed Orgeron are in charge.
I'm still, and I'm sure we all will be for at least a few more weeks, trying to comprehend what has happened and what it about to happen. For all the years I've watched college football, something like today and the next few days has never come to fruition. I suppose the closest occurrence was the dissolving of the Southwest Conference, which should be known as the Big 12 1.0 (and don't forget the old Metro Conference...actually, everyone already did and agreed it never happened), but its end and scattering of the teams didn't have nearly the impact as the coming shift will. I remember the addition of South Carolina and Arkansas to the SEC, and the additions the ACC made, both allowed for a 12-team league and a conference championship game, but not exactly earth-shattering at the time (I think you can argue that the SEC going to 12 teams and having a conference championship game was the moment that lead us to today, as it was the beginning of major, major clumps of, as Randy Moss once said, "Straight cash, homey" becoming a part of college football.).
But the complete collapse of a 12-team conference and the formation of one, possibly three mega-conferences (assuming the Big Ten and SEC add a few more teams)? Surely there is lots of jesting taking place. Conferences just don't disappear or grow by six teams and LANE KIFFIN FINALLY DIDN'T FIND THAT RANDOM $20 IN HIS POCKET. I find myself confused and delighted. Confused because I'm not sure what I truly think of the prospect of mega-conferences (it may be great at first, but what's stopping the really big schools from one day forming the official NFL Minor League System, effectively ending college football as it is now?), but ultimately delighted on this day because Lane Kiffin's anti-lottery day arrived. Sure the odds of it happening were about the same as getting mauled by a polar bear, a Kodiak bear, and struck by lightning all in the span of 20 minutes, but it happened, dammit. It finally happened.
With that said, so long Big 12 conference, Kansas football, Lane Kiffin's smirk, Ed Orgeron's recruiting budget, college football of my youth, Washington State's chances of winning more than two games before 2018 and Jeremiah Masoli. We shall not really miss any of you. Now, if the World Cup would hurry up and get here asd;lfk ababnmn g53fhky weop238dsasd
/TEMPORARY BLINDNESS RETURNS
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Get to Know Your SEC Football Players
It's Wednesday, which means it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.
Today's number: 71
Today's team: Alabama
Some background information: For the love of all things decent and right, it is possible to not get a walk-on or permanent fixture on the bench for this feature? By my count, and it involves my memory which can barely remember what I did eight minutes ago, we've had three guys that will contribute to their respective teams next year and everyone else has been of the never-gonna-play variety. And this week that below-averageness continues with Allen.
It should be noted that Allen attended high school at Tuscaloosa County, which was the same high school that defeated Hoover High School in a regular season game during the filming of the greatest show MTV has ever produced, or more simply known as Two-A-Days. If you have forgotten, that was the episode in which Ross Wilson got himself obliterated right in front of the Hoover bench on a pass attempt. After coach Rush Propst claimed that the hit was the hardest hit in which he's ever heard a head hit the ground, he sent the younger Wilson (with silver dollar-sized pupils) back into the game to take more of a beating and throw more bad passes. Hoover lost and John Parker's brother spent the next day throwing up.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Perhaps he was in the crowd during the Two-A-Days filming or even on the sidelines.
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: I shall assume he's walked the straight and narrow because I know of no tales of ill repute out of Tuscaloosa County.
Strengths: Choosing to walk-on at a place like Alabama.
Weaknesses: Lack of Division-I athletic talent.
What to expect in 2010: If the camera is not on the sideline, you probably won't see Allen. Unless Alabama suffers multiple injuries on the unit that apparently never commits holding penalties, Allen will never see the field. And if all of those injuries do happen, I'm sure Saban and company will turn him into an All-SEC lineman in a matter of two quarters. Sons of bitches.
The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever number is spat out from its random-creating machine.
Today's number: 71
Today's team: Alabama
Some background information: For the love of all things decent and right, it is possible to not get a walk-on or permanent fixture on the bench for this feature? By my count, and it involves my memory which can barely remember what I did eight minutes ago, we've had three guys that will contribute to their respective teams next year and everyone else has been of the never-gonna-play variety. And this week that below-averageness continues with Allen.
It should be noted that Allen attended high school at Tuscaloosa County, which was the same high school that defeated Hoover High School in a regular season game during the filming of the greatest show MTV has ever produced, or more simply known as Two-A-Days. If you have forgotten, that was the episode in which Ross Wilson got himself obliterated right in front of the Hoover bench on a pass attempt. After coach Rush Propst claimed that the hit was the hardest hit in which he's ever heard a head hit the ground, he sent the younger Wilson (with silver dollar-sized pupils) back into the game to take more of a beating and throw more bad passes. Hoover lost and John Parker's brother spent the next day throwing up.
Greatest on-field accomplishment: Has not occurred.
Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: Perhaps he was in the crowd during the Two-A-Days filming or even on the sidelines.
Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school: I shall assume he's walked the straight and narrow because I know of no tales of ill repute out of Tuscaloosa County.
Strengths: Choosing to walk-on at a place like Alabama.
Weaknesses: Lack of Division-I athletic talent.
What to expect in 2010: If the camera is not on the sideline, you probably won't see Allen. Unless Alabama suffers multiple injuries on the unit that apparently never commits holding penalties, Allen will never see the field. And if all of those injuries do happen, I'm sure Saban and company will turn him into an All-SEC lineman in a matter of two quarters. Sons of bitches.
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