Get to Know Your SEC Football Players

In a never-ending quest to seek as much information as my brain can store, it's time to get to know a little bit more (or just anything at all) about one of the Southeastern Conference's football players. Now when this player succeeds, massively fails or is shown milling around in the background of a TV shot, you'll know that his greatest off-the-field accomplishment involves the sale and transportation of hobos. Or something like that.

The team of the player selected is chosen through a super-secret process which I cannot reveal, however, the number of the player is randomly chosen by visiting www.random.org and using whatever they give me.

Today's number: 89
Today's team: LSU

(EDIT: The first number I got was 67, but alas, there is no number 67 on LSU's roster. The second number was 89 and two players actually wear this number. Unfortunately for redshirt freshman TE Greg Ostrom out of Catholic High School in Baton Rouge, he will not be profiled here today. But in good news, I have just given you all the information the Internet has to offer on Greg Ostrom.)


#89 Lavar Edwards, DE, LSU

Some background information: Lavar came to LSU from Desire Street Academy, which is the high school started by Desire Street Ministries presently headed by Danny Wuerffel. He played in 11 games last season and started against Louisiana Tech, collecting one sack. I have no idea if he and Greg Ostrom are friends since they share the same number. Also, here's a picture of that sack against Tech.



Greatest on-field accomplishment: In LSU's 13-3 loss to Florida last fall, Lavar had five tackles, including one solo. In a close second, he caught 12 touchdowns as a tight end his senior year in high school. And he also keeps a straight face when Les Miles opens his mouth.

Greatest off-the-field accomplishment: In at least two spring practice reports, Les Miles mentioned Lavar by name to reporters. And in a complete sentence and not a random incoherent thought or shout. Also, he narrowly avoided being confused with former BYU coach LaVell Edwards. I'm sure there's something better than this, but I can only look through so many Google search pages (meaning:  five, tops).

Way(s) in which he has embarrassed himself, his family, team and school:  So far, Lavar has been walking the straight and narrow.

Strengths:  Athleticism, speed, game experience, defensive line coach's name is Brick Haley.  I have no idea if Haley is a good coach, but his name indicates he could have been a veteran linebacker in Any Given Sunday or the Yankees' closer in Major League.

Weaknesses:  Les Miles' hands hold his college career.  At least for another year.

What to expect in 2010:  Lavar should be a key figure in LSU's defensive line rotation, perhaps even drawing a few starts.  This means when you see him this fall, he'll be on the field participating in the game and not be one of the guys crowded around the other defensive players on the sidelines as the coaches scream at them and point angrily at a white grease board that's filled with sloppily drawn x's and o's.

Steve Spurrier Workout Program

At 65 years old, Steve Spurrier is still coachin' 'em up with the same smirks, visor-tossing and general disbelief that his plays were not properly executed as he was 20 years ago at Florida. He may have lost a little heat off his visor fastball, but the reaction time from failed play to visor-in-hand is just as quick as it ever was. In the age of 18-hour work days in college football, that sort of longevity in solid physical fitness is hard to maintain. Even the cyborg-ish, freight train of intensity that is Urban Meyer came crashing to a halt in December with stress and fatigue issues.

So just how does Spurrier do it? Well, step one includes not working 18 hours a day, which I feel is an excellent choice. Step two involves a healthy diet and step three calls for working out five to six days a week. And the plan seems to be working. Spurrier is still trucking along, consistently winning at a place that's never really won before. In fact, according to this article, Spurrier says that he's in better shape than he was when he was 25. And luckily for us, a photographer was there to document the Spurrier workout regimen.

Warm-Up

Pound Kentucky and Vanderbilt into submission push-ups with core-strengthening.

Abs

Avoid the Phil Fulmer figure side crunches.

Arms

Practice demotion speech to Garcia free weight lifts.

Back and Triceps

Carrying the Carolina nation lifts.

Cool Down

20 minute not think about Stephen Garcia or any other quarterback except the good times with Danny Wuerffel walk.

Results

"This close to the end of my career without getting fired and making an enormous amount as a commentator or analyst. Also, the golfing will be nice."

Around the SEC: What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend

Tyler Russell pummels Chris Relf's starting quarterback candidacy into submission.
The once-labled "Savior" of Mississippi State football under Dan Mullen (although he briefly lost this title and was declared a solid back-up option when junior college recruit Cam Newton showed some interest in the Bulldogs) took no steps, and possibly even a backwards one or two, in the Bulldogs' spring game to show that it is he who deserves to be MSU's starter going into fall practice. Normally, I don't put any stock in stats in spring games unless those stats are truly awful and Russell's 12 of 27 for 125 yards with no TDs and two picks qualify as awful. I realize he's a redshirt freshman and still learning/growing/otherclichesusedinasentencelikethis, but one would think he'd be a little more familiar with offensive friendly numbers by now. I even had a State friend send me a text which included the dreaded word "bust" with Russell's name.

So this should be good news for Chris Relf, no? While he put up a versus-Jacksonville-State-like performance (13 of 24, 184 yards, 2 TD, 0 INT), Mullen did not declare him the starter for the fall, probably recalling some of Relf's performances against teams not named Ole Miss. So while Tyler Russell is most likely behind Relf in the quarterback pecking order, Mullen is telling him he's got a chance. It's probably not a good chance, maybe something like a gal like Lloyd Christmas and a guy like Mary Swanson getting together, but it's a chance.

Ole Miss' spring game conducted in an extremely efficient and understandable format.
Only Houston Nutt would devise a set of rules that include points being added to one team's score at the end of every quarter, quarterbacks changing teams in mid-game and a seven-on-seven scrimmage, which determined the color of the jerseys for the first home game, taking place between the 15 and 30-yard lines while the spring game was being played (that one may not have happened). Regardless of the controlled chaos, no one was injured and Nathan Stanley (11 of 16, 166 yards, 2 TDs, 2 INTs) and Raymon Cotton (5 of 7, 178 yards, 2 TDs, 0 INTs) did not look awful in their quest to replace Jevan Snead and his 20 interceptions at quarterback.

Stanley is clearly the starter coming out of spring football, but Cotton, who is playing with a partially torn labrum in his shoulder, will get to see the field in certain situations, assuming his shoulder holds up. Cotton will have his shoulder examined again in a few weeks at which time it will be decided if he'll need surgery or can keep playing. If he needs surgery, junior college transfer Randall Mackey and someone named Richard Absher move up the depth chart. Let's hope that shoulder stops tearing.

Gene Chizik finds a quarterback that lives up to the mediocrity set forth by Chris Todd.
There are roughly 24,000 students eligible to play football on Auburn's campus and Chizik has managed to reduce that number all the way to four in his search for a starting quarterback. All four players (Barrett Trotter, Cam Newton, Neil Caudle and Clint Moseley) saw action during Saturday's spring game and all four did nothing to make Chizik's mind lean one way. According to the demolition expert of Iowa State football, the competition will last into fall practice. Personally, I'd like to see all four rotate throughout the season if only to make Steve Spurrier angry that someone is trying to show him up, which could then result in the first ever nine-man quarterback rotation when South Carolina takes the field.

Mark Ingram and Trent Richardson earn stupid sportswriter-created nickname.
But they will soon enough. I'm sure they'll eventually settle on something along the lines of "Thunder and Lightning" or "Heisman One and Heisman Two" (since Richardson will clearly win a Heisman before leaving Tuscaloosa according to Alabama fans. I also like the idea of SEC sponsor-generated nicknames. "Golden Flake and Texas Pete," "The Purple Pill and Bryan Sausage" and "Regions and Morgan Keegan." All solid options.). Whatever they end up being called, look for it on a t-shirt at Walmart and other carriers of non-licensed Alabama products where it will be bought in metric ton quantities.

Derek Dooley enjoys a relaxing weekend.
His top choices at starting quarterback went 30 of 66 with 2 TDs and 3 INTs and one of his starting safeties was arrested for a potpourri of offenses related to being hammered drunk at 2:00 AM in a parking lot in Knoxville. The good news for Dooley is that the arrest of safety Darren Myles will temporarily distract Vol fans from thinking about a five-win season in 2010.

Please Stand By

Normally I wouldn't bother explaining why there is no new post here and leave you to angrily wonder why is this guy so lazy. But new Gray is making an effort to be more informative, fan-friendly and industrious. Or something like that. Anyway, the weekend recap is not present and accounted for right now because I was out of town all weekend and have no idea what happened. Compound that with very little sleep and the decision to drive from Austin to New Orleans, which I immediately regretted in the ninth hour of a 16-hour round trip, and I've got nothing left in a tank that holds very little anyway (Also, I might have mild bed sore-like things on my butt cheeks from the excessive car-riding/driving.). So after I dream and spend some time in thought about not being inside of a car, I'll find out what I missed and put the recap up this afternoon. Until then, I suggest entertaining yourself here.

NCAA Coaches' Rule Submissions: Helping Rein in the Chaos

Yesterday, the NCAA's Bureaucraticly-Named Rules Committee Taskforce Coalition Reform Alliance passed three rules changes for the 2011 season in an effort to smash chaos in college football in the face with an iron fist. Players will no longer be allowed to have personal messages written on their eye black (HOW DARE COLLEGE STUDENTS SHOW PERSONALITY. THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL THINK THEY SHOULD GET A SLICE OF THE MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THEY GENERATE EVERY YEAR FOR THE NCAA. THE NERVE OF THESE YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS.) as made popular by Tim Tebow and Reggie Bush, wedge blocking on kickoffs will result in a 15-yard penalty and players flagged for taunting on their way into the endzone will cost their team a touchdown. Officials will now be required to penalize the offending team 15 yards from the spot of the foul and take away the touchdown instead of enforcing the penalty on the extra point or ensuing kickoff.

Luckily, players and coaches will have almost 17 months to prepare for these changes because no one could get them figured out in the five months between now and the start of the season. That would be asking a bit too much of men paid to coach football and play it (allegedly, of course). But, had additional rules been passed, the enforcement year might have been pushed back even further.

In case you didn't know, the NCAA asked coaches across the country to submit ideas for new rules to help control a game that is wildly out of hand and requires yearly updates filled with minutiae and whatever stamps out fun. While none of the coaches' submissions made it to the voting stage, they were recording for historical/ass-covering purposes. A small selection is listed below:

-Ed Orgeron requests that all coaches be allowed to sleep only 45 minutes a night during recruiting season. Other than being of the lunatic variety, we feel this rule would benefit only Mr. Orgeron as he does not need sleep to function, relying on an energy drink called Red Bull to fuel his daily activities. Therefore, no further action will be taken on this rule proposal.

-Nick Saban submits that all high school recruits be assigned a code rather than be called by their name (for example, recruit "John Smith" would be known as A4-3539). He argues that a code is more efficient and machine-like, which removes the need for personal touch and getting involved with another cog in the machine. Mr. Saban's idea is certainly interesting, but ultimately we feel that a coach should know his players' names (If Coach Bowden were still coaching, he would be exempt) so we move to take no further action on this proposal.

-Ron Zook wants to see his teams (Illinois and whatever school talks themselves into hiring him after the Illini fire him) be allowed to play with 16 players on the field on offense and defense and 37 on special teams. Mr. Zook desperately wants to keep his job and all future jobs and believes he is at a coaching disadvantage due to his inability to coach properly. We take no pity on him. DENIED.

-Les Miles seeks an additional eight timeouts added to a team's allotment of three, clock stoppages every seven seconds and a personal consultant by his side at all times to slowly and clearly explain his options (starting with the most logical and moving to least logical). Mr. Miles also submitted his request in crayon and there was an additional paragraph that was what we deemed to be nothing more than indecipherable jibberish. And there also appears to be a picture of a wolf at the bottom of the page. We feel it best to move on without further comment.

-Lane Kiffin asks that only beautiful people be allowed to participate in recruiting. Mr. Kiffin, still high on his recent success in Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive" poll, believes that as a beautiful person he is giving recruits a true sense of being the most special person alive because if someone as beautiful as he is paying attention to them, they must be special. Not beautiful people tend to disorient the recruits. We wish Mr. Kiffin best of luck in the second round against Danica Patrick. When are these going to be over?

-Dan Mullen proposes what he calls the "Tyson Lee" rule. This would prevent coaches from playing quarterbacks with a height lower than 5'8"-ish in games. Mr. Mullen cites Lee's height as the determining factor in his incomplete pass on third and goal against LSU in 2009, which if completed would have most certainly given the Bulldogs the upset win and made them bowl eligible. Other ways to have beaten LSU included handing the ball off four straight times to your 240-pound running back who had run for 106 yards and two touchdowns. We recommend better decisions on the goal line and deny this request.

-Houston Nutt believes the forward pass should be eliminated from the college game. We believe Mr. Nutt is still shell-shocked from watching his pre-season Heisman Trophy candidate quarterback throw a mind-blowing 20 interceptions in a single college football season. And given that he has no experienced quarterback on his 2010 roster, he is most likely making a preemptive strike against all future disasters. We advise calling nothing but running plays and also strike this submission from any further consideration.