Normally this diary thing is reserved for the coaches of sports, but given the recent lack of material (or perhaps me not paying close enough attention) provided by America and, in the Olympic spirit, the World's coaches, I'm forced to go elsewhere. And to be honest, I don't think I can be sarcastic or angry enough to nail the Andy Kennedy edition that should be here. But one more Ole Miss game and I'll probably be in the right place. Or another cab driver punching. Either way and I'll be good.
2/23/10
8:10 PM
Dear Diary,
What a privilege it is to be here in breathtakingly beautiful Vancouver, Canada. Just a gorgeous setting for these games of the Winter Olympics. One of the great towns in all of North America. You know, coming here makes you wonder why you don't live here. The majesty and scenery of this place are best seen with the eyes and told with pictures, of which our NBC crew is doing an outstanding job of bringing the viewers.
Why, just two weeks ago, I found myself in Auburn, Alabama. Or was it Columbia, South Carolina? Or Lexington? It's hard to remember when you're neck deep in the fast-paced SEC basketball circuit. Even though I no longer broadcast SEC basketball games thanks to the red devil that is ESPN, I still find myself traveling around to all the great SEC towns. Larry Conley tells me I'm out of my damn mind, but I think Larry has forgotten what it's like to be in Baton Rouge on a Wednesday night in early February when the South Carolina Gamecocks are in town. That kind of energy is contagious! It lives in my blood! The microphone. The headset. Teasing up the perm so the headset doesn't keep it down. And the sports jacket. Oh, how I miss the Lincoln Financial 40 Long. What a great fit! I should get the name of their tailor.
But I can't complain about where I am now. NBC has not spared a dime in some of the duds we've been given. First class operation here at NBC, home of Notre Dame football AND the Olympics. Of course...oh, man, look at the time. Need to go loosen up the pipes before the women's figure skating short program tonight. I like to go back to some of my Breeder's Cup calls and even a few of my favorite SEC games. Really helps get the emotions going and stretches the vocal chords. Puts me in a good place to be on top of my game. Plus, Scott Hamilton needs to go over what the hell all these jumps are again. You would think that after all these years of doing the Winter Olympics I'd have these down, but have you watched figure skating? It's all the same jump! Triple, double, whatever. I just know when they fall.
Alright, I'm signing off for now. I think I just heard Hamilton crying already. He usually waits until an "amazing" performance before turning on the tears and the shrieking. He must have been watching a tape of the '02 Games. Sarah Hughes. It was one of those moments that made you proud to help bring it to the world.
So long, diary. For Tom Hammond, this is Tom Hammond.
P.S. Grab extra tissues for Hamilton.
P.S.S. Need to learn the name of the lady in the booth with us. Hamilton hates her, which makes her the first person in his entire life that he's hated.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
What Didn't Happen Over the Weekend
February got even more interesting. Minus 2.8 billion people dissecting every syllable and blink made by Tiger Woods during his, well, whatever that was on Friday, the month returned to its hole and left people pretending they cared about the Olympics. In my limited viewing of the games of the Winter Olympiad, the sport (or bar game) of curling appears to be on television more than any other event. In fact, if you were to turn on one of the NBC channels right now, there's probably one of these matches (or games? Do they call them games? Tilts? Scrums?) going on right now. I'm not sure if there are 2,000 teams competing or if each team plays 250 matches/games/titls/scrums. Maybe both. BUT IT NEVER ENDS. It's entirely possible the 2010 gold medal for curling won't be awarded until three weeks before the 2014 games start. If the Olympics aren't canceled by then.
Tim Tebow began work on catching passes, route running and blocking technique for his inevitable move to a hybrid position in the NFL. After everyone got done screaming "I told you so" once Tebow's disappointing Senior Bowl showing was in the books, Tebow has gone to work on changing his throwing motion in hopes that he will get a shot at playing quarterback in the NFL. Most notably, he's looking to take out the giant loop in his throwing motion, which occurs when he brings the ball down to his hip as he begins his motion. I'd like to see him add a second loop just because he damn well can. Then crack Todd McShay's sternum with a 328 mph pass, which he could then throw because of the extra power generated by loop number two.
Ole Miss basketball team fights and claws its way to a win over Florida. In its second straight must-win game, the Ole Miss team came out with as much passion and interest as America will have in Hot Tub Time Machine. What started out as a promising season has quickly become a season that needed to end two weeks ago. This team clearly lacks a leader, has no emotion (save for a few Murphy Holloway and Terrance Henry moments) and does not play well with one another. It is a miserably painful team to watch. There's so much potential, but watching them go through the motions and continue to do the same stupid things over and over again (turnovers, turnovers, turnovers, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls and defensive breakdowns) makes it not worth watching them. So to you, Rebel roundballers, I say good luck the rest of the way, but I have checked out for the season. Let me know when you care again, then I'll care. Until that day, I'm practicing for the eventual arrival of shuffleboard, darts and tic-tac-toe in the Summer Olympics.
Tim Tebow began work on catching passes, route running and blocking technique for his inevitable move to a hybrid position in the NFL. After everyone got done screaming "I told you so" once Tebow's disappointing Senior Bowl showing was in the books, Tebow has gone to work on changing his throwing motion in hopes that he will get a shot at playing quarterback in the NFL. Most notably, he's looking to take out the giant loop in his throwing motion, which occurs when he brings the ball down to his hip as he begins his motion. I'd like to see him add a second loop just because he damn well can. Then crack Todd McShay's sternum with a 328 mph pass, which he could then throw because of the extra power generated by loop number two.
Ole Miss basketball team fights and claws its way to a win over Florida. In its second straight must-win game, the Ole Miss team came out with as much passion and interest as America will have in Hot Tub Time Machine. What started out as a promising season has quickly become a season that needed to end two weeks ago. This team clearly lacks a leader, has no emotion (save for a few Murphy Holloway and Terrance Henry moments) and does not play well with one another. It is a miserably painful team to watch. There's so much potential, but watching them go through the motions and continue to do the same stupid things over and over again (turnovers, turnovers, turnovers, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls, fouls and defensive breakdowns) makes it not worth watching them. So to you, Rebel roundballers, I say good luck the rest of the way, but I have checked out for the season. Let me know when you care again, then I'll care. Until that day, I'm practicing for the eventual arrival of shuffleboard, darts and tic-tac-toe in the Summer Olympics.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Well Played, February, Well Played
A cold and crafty adversary this month has become. I put things around here on autopilot for a few days assuming that this February (like every other February ever) would be filled with lots of nothing. Sure, there would be some Olympic banter and John Kruk's portly self would become more visible as baseball people attempted to drum up interest over pitchers and catchers reporting for spring training, but I had hundreds of years of Februaries that clearly showed nothing of importance would happen. It's the single worst month of the year. Football withdrawals are in full force, it's cold, college basketball has fallen into a rut (and has generally been not very fun to watch across the board this year), it's cold, the NBA has at least two more months before it gets interesting and it's cold. There's a a reason this bastard only has 28 days. Even those who set up the calendar knew better than to give it equal footing as the other months.
Then, after hundreds of years of sleep, February decided on Tuesday night it's time to burn everything down and give July a challenge for 11th place in the month pecking order. Since Tuesday, the following has happened:
Then, after hundreds of years of sleep, February decided on Tuesday night it's time to burn everything down and give July a challenge for 11th place in the month pecking order. Since Tuesday, the following has happened:
- Mississippi State fans began texting and calling Kentucky forward DeMarcus Cousins' cell phone, offering all sorts of pleasantries, like racial and gay slurs.
- Mississippi State nearly beats Kentucky in a game plagued by what could generously be described as piss poor officiating (I know, hard to believe that would happen in the SEC).
- Mississippi State fans declared war on their home floor at the end of the game, throwing water bottle and plastic cups on it. Not sure why they hated that floor so much, but something it did upset them.
- The national media reigns down condemnations and finger wags in the direction of State fans for their Palestinian-like assault on said floor.
- Men who prance around an ice skating rink in tight, sequined clothes started talking smack to one another, and did so without any slaps or wild gesturing. Yet.
- Arkansas quarterback Ryan Mallett broke his foot when he firmly planted it on the ass of defensive coordinator Garrick McGee, hoping to drive home the point that if the Razorbacks get any defense they might win 10 games in 2010.
- Oregon running back LaMichael James, carrying on an Oregon tradition of fighting, found himself in jail after a domestic violence incident.
- Vanderbilt recruit Rajaan Bennett was murdered by a selfish asshole.
- The Ole Miss basketball team put forth one last uninspired and emotionally dead effort, losing to Vanderbilt in Oxford and semi-officially ending any shot of making the NCAA Tournament. Can't wait to see what they bring to the table on Saturday against Florida in what will surely be a half-filled Tad Smith Coliseum.
- Tiger Woods plans to give the always exciting and genuine prepared statement on Friday morning after a few months of silence. He will take no questions and might break the Internet as 400% of those working in offices across America will attempt to watch the online streaming video.
Monday, February 15, 2010
A Late Valentine's Day Gift
The Belly of the Beast is in the process of relocating its headquarters right now, so posting has taken a backseat to coordinating DirecTV's arrival at the new headquarters, telling Comcast that I really really really really do want to discontinue my Internet service (and no, I do not want to know about any other upcoming specials) and cramming 50 pounds of junk into boxes made to hold only 30 pounds (YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME, CARDBOARD. Although, the past two nights have seen my dreams haunted with visions of Aristocrat Gin and Woodford Reserve, so maybe they actually ARE winning.) So, bear with this bit of chaos thrown into your disciplined daily routine. I shall resume posting in the next day or two. Until then, accept this picture as a token of my gratitude to you the reader.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Vancouver Made Less European and Snowy
In just two days, the day we've all eagerly been waiting for will finally arrive, and will arrive with a fury like no other. The sense of anticipation and nervous energy that you'll feel on that day is the direct result of the Games of the XXI Winter Olympiad roaring into your home Friday night. And who can't get excited about hordes of white people competing in events in which something like 3% of the world has any experience in either playing or just watching? For me, if I don't get to see any of the Giant Slalom, YOU DO NOT WANT KNOW ME THE NEXT DAY. PISSED WILL BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT.
But, for those of you who will make an effort to watch two weeks worth of events that could easily be completed in about six and a half hours, I'll attempt to help you get through the confusion of tights, spandex, sequins, snow covering 100% of everything and a plethora of names filled with consonants and very few vowels, by comparing some of the events (I can't believe there are actually more than like five events in this thing) with college football teams in the SEC. Hopefully, this will help you identify which events you would enjoy watching, hate watching or at the very least understand a little more. And then grow to hate.
In no particular order, starting with the East (so, I guess there is some order):
Downhill - Florida
Considered one of the premiere events in the Winter Olympics, the Downhill involves frightening speeds achieved by highly skilled people with the most recognizable names in the Olympics. This event is also the most highly promoted and takes on an air of superiority, despite being one of many events that takes place on skis.
Cross-Country Skiing - Vanderbilt
I've been skiing three or four times in my life and without a doubt the single worst part about skiing (other than getting all those ski clothes on, which is almost reason alone not to go skiing) is when you reach the bottom of a run and are faced with flat earth. There, gravity is no longer your friend and you have to pull yourself with your arms and legs a stupidly long distance to get over to the lift so you can go back up the mountain. IT IS INHUMANE. The burn running through your arms and legs from doing this should never happen on a vacation. Unless you like vacationing in a gym. And that's why I prefer the beach. On the beach, I can sit my fat ass in a chair and drink and eat things that make it fatter and lazier. No pain is involved.
Anyway, that crap you have to do to get to the lift, that's what cross-country skiing is. Except instead of doing it for 25 yards, you do it for miles at a time. It's the worst idea I've ever heard. I would almost rather burn alive than cross-country ski, which is essentially a slow death also. And that's what Vanderbilt is. A slow death that's boring to watch and miserably uninteresting. Do not watch this event.
Ski Jumping - South Carolina
The idea of watching someone fly like half a mile through the air is pretty cool on the surface until you actually watch ski jumping. It's essentially a parade of really short guys from Nordic countries and Austria landing in the same spot over and over again. No one really stands out. I have no evidence to back this up, but I'm pretty sure the difference between first place and last place is two feet. And so it is with South Carolina. So much promise, but it's the same team over and over and over and over again. But without really short people from Norway.
Biathlon - Kentucky
The Biathlon is one degree more exciting than cross-country skiing because the participants get to carry guns. The same boring cross-country stuff is taking place, but periodically the participants stop to shoot at a target. While not riveting, it certainly helps break the monotony of the woosh-woosh sound that no one finds compelling and rich.
Figure Skating - Georgia
Lots of finesse, gaudiness, emphasis on outfits and prancing. There's always a lot of hype surrounding the figure skating events. Ultimately though, it's miserable to watch because there's only a certain number of times a human being can watch tip-toeing and jumping around to Chicago songs.
Curling - Tennessee
With the arrival of Derrick Dooley, no one has a feel for what Tennessee will be like until next season. So, much like curling, we have no idea as to what's going on. People are moving around and engaging in some type of activity, but confusion rules the day.
Super-G - Alabama
One of the downhill specialties that involves both speed and agility. While not as fast as the pure downhill, the Super-G requires a great deal of movement and an ability to adapt to the course, as racers are not permitted practice runs before the actual competition (and yes, it sickens me that I had to look up and learn all this about the Winter Olympics). They may inspect the course before barreling down the mountain, but they don't get to experience it until the event starts, which makes it much more challenging. It doesn't receive all the glamor the Downhill gets, but those who live to tell the tale of this event are much more rounded skiers.
Skeleton - LSU
The Skeleton is like the bobsled except instead of your feet leading the way down, YOUR FACE DOES, which is exactly the way Les Miles would get down a mountain. Unconventional, yes. Crazy, indeed. But it can get the job done, assuming one's face doesn't meet the mountain and leave its contents there. I think most rational people would tell you that this is something you should never try unless you travel between our universe and the one only you inhabit.
Short Track Speed Skating - Auburn
Short, exciting bursts of movement that can be highly enjoyable to watch at times. Of course, the only problem with this variety of speed skating is that if one guy goes down, he wipes out everyone and then the race sort of sucks. Well, not quite. It's pretty awesome when it does happen. NOW NO ONE CAN GET A GOLD MEDAL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So when one guy inevitably wipes out the pack in these games, just call him Chris Todd.
Snowboarding - Ole Miss
With the snowboarding events, there's a always a chance for something really cool to happen, total disaster to take place or more guys boringly completing jumps that no one has ever heard of (The Inverted-Double Helix-Banshee-Firefly-1080-Cross-Over is one of my favorites). And so it goes with Houston Nutt. There's always the possibility that he can do something that will blow your mind (a variety of 5+ overtime games and crazy upsets), create an unexpected disaster (2009 Egg Bowl) or leave everyone unfulfilled (9-4 in 2009). It's what he does, pure exhilarating terror. And who doesn't need that jolt of life every Saturday? MY PERSONAL HEALTH, THAT'S WHO.
Freestyle Skiing - Arkansas
At times, dazzling to the eye with all the explosive maneuvers that are somehow kept under control. And it's also exciting because if the participants make a mistake, they find themselves completely defenseless as gravity reclaims its subject.
Ice Hockey - Mississippi State
Everyone knows what they're getting with hockey. It's fairly boring to watch (and don't forget hard to watch), but has a few bursts of activity that are enjoyable. These bursts do not make you want to watch or become invested in it, but if condensed into a 20 second highlight package, you can handle that.
But, for those of you who will make an effort to watch two weeks worth of events that could easily be completed in about six and a half hours, I'll attempt to help you get through the confusion of tights, spandex, sequins, snow covering 100% of everything and a plethora of names filled with consonants and very few vowels, by comparing some of the events (I can't believe there are actually more than like five events in this thing) with college football teams in the SEC. Hopefully, this will help you identify which events you would enjoy watching, hate watching or at the very least understand a little more. And then grow to hate.
In no particular order, starting with the East (so, I guess there is some order):
Downhill - Florida
Considered one of the premiere events in the Winter Olympics, the Downhill involves frightening speeds achieved by highly skilled people with the most recognizable names in the Olympics. This event is also the most highly promoted and takes on an air of superiority, despite being one of many events that takes place on skis.
Cross-Country Skiing - Vanderbilt
I've been skiing three or four times in my life and without a doubt the single worst part about skiing (other than getting all those ski clothes on, which is almost reason alone not to go skiing) is when you reach the bottom of a run and are faced with flat earth. There, gravity is no longer your friend and you have to pull yourself with your arms and legs a stupidly long distance to get over to the lift so you can go back up the mountain. IT IS INHUMANE. The burn running through your arms and legs from doing this should never happen on a vacation. Unless you like vacationing in a gym. And that's why I prefer the beach. On the beach, I can sit my fat ass in a chair and drink and eat things that make it fatter and lazier. No pain is involved.
Anyway, that crap you have to do to get to the lift, that's what cross-country skiing is. Except instead of doing it for 25 yards, you do it for miles at a time. It's the worst idea I've ever heard. I would almost rather burn alive than cross-country ski, which is essentially a slow death also. And that's what Vanderbilt is. A slow death that's boring to watch and miserably uninteresting. Do not watch this event.
Ski Jumping - South Carolina
The idea of watching someone fly like half a mile through the air is pretty cool on the surface until you actually watch ski jumping. It's essentially a parade of really short guys from Nordic countries and Austria landing in the same spot over and over again. No one really stands out. I have no evidence to back this up, but I'm pretty sure the difference between first place and last place is two feet. And so it is with South Carolina. So much promise, but it's the same team over and over and over and over again. But without really short people from Norway.
Biathlon - Kentucky
The Biathlon is one degree more exciting than cross-country skiing because the participants get to carry guns. The same boring cross-country stuff is taking place, but periodically the participants stop to shoot at a target. While not riveting, it certainly helps break the monotony of the woosh-woosh sound that no one finds compelling and rich.
Figure Skating - Georgia
Lots of finesse, gaudiness, emphasis on outfits and prancing. There's always a lot of hype surrounding the figure skating events. Ultimately though, it's miserable to watch because there's only a certain number of times a human being can watch tip-toeing and jumping around to Chicago songs.
Curling - Tennessee
With the arrival of Derrick Dooley, no one has a feel for what Tennessee will be like until next season. So, much like curling, we have no idea as to what's going on. People are moving around and engaging in some type of activity, but confusion rules the day.
Super-G - Alabama
One of the downhill specialties that involves both speed and agility. While not as fast as the pure downhill, the Super-G requires a great deal of movement and an ability to adapt to the course, as racers are not permitted practice runs before the actual competition (and yes, it sickens me that I had to look up and learn all this about the Winter Olympics). They may inspect the course before barreling down the mountain, but they don't get to experience it until the event starts, which makes it much more challenging. It doesn't receive all the glamor the Downhill gets, but those who live to tell the tale of this event are much more rounded skiers.
Skeleton - LSU
The Skeleton is like the bobsled except instead of your feet leading the way down, YOUR FACE DOES, which is exactly the way Les Miles would get down a mountain. Unconventional, yes. Crazy, indeed. But it can get the job done, assuming one's face doesn't meet the mountain and leave its contents there. I think most rational people would tell you that this is something you should never try unless you travel between our universe and the one only you inhabit.
Short Track Speed Skating - Auburn
Short, exciting bursts of movement that can be highly enjoyable to watch at times. Of course, the only problem with this variety of speed skating is that if one guy goes down, he wipes out everyone and then the race sort of sucks. Well, not quite. It's pretty awesome when it does happen. NOW NO ONE CAN GET A GOLD MEDAL. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. So when one guy inevitably wipes out the pack in these games, just call him Chris Todd.
Snowboarding - Ole Miss
With the snowboarding events, there's a always a chance for something really cool to happen, total disaster to take place or more guys boringly completing jumps that no one has ever heard of (The Inverted-Double Helix-Banshee-Firefly-1080-Cross-Over is one of my favorites). And so it goes with Houston Nutt. There's always the possibility that he can do something that will blow your mind (a variety of 5+ overtime games and crazy upsets), create an unexpected disaster (2009 Egg Bowl) or leave everyone unfulfilled (9-4 in 2009). It's what he does, pure exhilarating terror. And who doesn't need that jolt of life every Saturday? MY PERSONAL HEALTH, THAT'S WHO.
Freestyle Skiing - Arkansas
At times, dazzling to the eye with all the explosive maneuvers that are somehow kept under control. And it's also exciting because if the participants make a mistake, they find themselves completely defenseless as gravity reclaims its subject.
Ice Hockey - Mississippi State
Everyone knows what they're getting with hockey. It's fairly boring to watch (and don't forget hard to watch), but has a few bursts of activity that are enjoyable. These bursts do not make you want to watch or become invested in it, but if condensed into a 20 second highlight package, you can handle that.
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