ESPN has apparently come up with a sweet enough TV deal for the SEC that the conference will finally drag JP/Lincoln Financial/Raycom behind the barn and shoot it between the eyes. It's hard to believe it took this long to get rid of the disaster known as the employer of Daves, but I guess $2.25 billion changes minds pretty easily.
It was a great run for the network (and I use that word in the loosest of terms) that found most of its operating equipment in dumpsters behind public television stations across the South, trained its announcers on college student-run stations, and kept Dave Rowe from the shame of being in his sixties and having to work at McDonald's (Right there! Hamburger bun on hamburger bun!). However, JP/LF/Raycom CEO Ken Haines says his company will try to find ways to stay involved with the conference. Unless he's planning on starting a catering or laundry service, I think the SEC has seen the last of JP/LF/Raycom.
As much as I dislike ESPN at times, this is a near-undescribable upgrade for the SEC. The conference almost triples its money for media rights and I think this might put a dent in the giant ESPN man crush on the Big 10 and Pac-10. If the Leader is going to spend $2.25 billion on something, one would assume they'll be pimping it more than Billy Mays pimps KABOOM.
So before Ole Miss and State send JP/LF/Raycom out with a Viking funeral in November, here's a quick list of some things I'll miss:
-Dave "Buzz" Baker's solo halftime shows. Really, it was Buzz sitting in a chair, on the field, by himself. He didn't need any analysts with him. All he needed was some stock video of one of the teams playing and footage of the Alltel Scholar Athlete of the Week reading to some kids at a school.
-Buzz Baker bringing us hard-hitting in-game information. "Guys, I just talked with Vanderbilt's trainer and he says the Dores are tired, but they're going to keep fighting."
-Buzz Baker holding what appears to be notes during any pre-game or post-game piece. I will guarantee you those are blank pieces of paper.
-Saying the name Buzz Baker over and over again. It just rolls off the tongue.
-Finally, the Dave Rowe guest appearance. When JP/LF/Raycom decides to pull out the big guns and submit four fan bases to its unholy kick-off time by showing two games on Saturday, they need another analyst. Who do they call? Dave Freaking Rowe. Not known for his attention to detail or sharpness, Rowe after nearly a year out of television is at a complete loss. When confused though, he reaches back and throws us a bone with a "Big Man on Big Man!!!" line. Good times.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Seagal Has Something To Say
Steven Seagal wants to tell you a fascinating story. Or it might be a joke. I'm not sure, but it looks like he could use another bear claw.
And don't forget to sign up for the Belly of the Beast leagues on Yahoo. Check the post below for all the info.
And don't forget to sign up for the Belly of the Beast leagues on Yahoo. Check the post below for all the info.
Monday, June 23, 2008
WNBA Live '08
This video was passed along to me and it's now my civic duty to pass it on to you. In 55 seconds, it sums up every thought I've had on the WNBA in a much more succinct fashion than I could ever do. I suggest you treat it like one of those chain emails and send it on, of course, minus the "you're going to die in a horrible cement truck accident" threat if someone doesn't forward it.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Bodhi or Dalton?
The time has come to finally answer the question that has haunted our society (especially Spike TV viewers since the network was born in August of 2003). While it is not an easy question to answer, I will attempt to break it down thoroughly and objectively, hopefully removing an predetermined bias I might have lodged in my subconscious.
The question is: What is Patrick Swayze's best role, Bodhi in Point Break or Dalton in Road House?
Now, before I get into the breakdown, let me explain why these are the only two on the list. These are the only two characters he played that are both completely over the top and spectacularly amazing. You could make an argument about Jed in Red Dawn, but his character wasn't that ridiculous. The premise of the movie was ridiculous, but all-in-all Jed was pretty normal. If you just thought to yourself, "What about Ghost and Dirty Dancing?" Stop reading right now, walk outside, find the nearest bridge, and jump off.
The two roles will be broken down into seven categories and a point will be given to the winner of each category. Let's begin.
Better Name
First, you have Bodhi. A near perfect name for a surfer, then you throw in the fact he likes to dabble in philosophy and some sort of mysticism. I'm not sure a more fitting name has ever been given to a character. I'd like to think there's a colony of surfers somewhere who are all named Bodhi.
Second, Dalton. A true red-blooded American name. Tough and mean when he has to be. I think some shoe company should launch a brand of boots called Daltons. And they'd probably need to be steel-toed boots. I'd love to be able to say, "I saw a guy in a pair of Daltons kick the holy crap out of this other dude." However, as much as I love the name Dalton, I can't go against Bodhi.
ADVANTAGE:
More Ridiculous Character
First, Bodhi the surfer who also robs banks while wearing a mask of an ex-president. And he's apparently good enough at robbing banks that he's wanted by the FBI so badly they send in an undercover agent to bring him to justice, but only finally do so in AUSTRALIA because he's there to surf waves created by a 100 year storm. I know, take a minute and let that sink in.
Second, Dalton the cooler who's known throughout the Midwest and South for his ability to clean up troublesome drinking establishments and was probably the Curt Flood of coolers in America. Do you realize Dalton left Memphis for Jasper, Missouri and a bar located in a gravel parking lot next to an old man's auto parts store? I know the money was better but is that really a vertical career move? And let's not ignore the fact he's a cooler who makes an attempt to be nice. I'm quite certain that's completely insane.
This one is unbelievably close and I went back and forth on it several times. In the end, the combination of surfer, bank robber, philosopher, and avid skydiver is too much.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Sidekick
Bodhi had his gang of surfers that followed him and bought into his beliefs. Now that I think about it, he actually had his own cult. But no one in this group really stood out. You could argue Johnny Utah was a sidekick but not for the entire movie. If you had to name a sidekick, it would be Rosie, the guy who kidnapped Tyler and was going to kill her had Bodhi not arrived in Mexico with the money they stole.
Dalton had the grizzled Wade Garrett, perfectly played by Sam Elliott. Elliott probably spent a year smoking eight packs of cigarettes a day and drinking enough liquor to float a battleship (to steal a line from Lynyrd Skynyrd) in preparation for this role. Not only is he Dalton's sidekick, he's also his mentor. It's his death that finally sends Dalton over the edge and leads to the demise of Brad Wesley. By the way, the dance scene with Garrett and Dalton's lady friend has to be one of the creepiest moments in movie history.
This one's not even close. Wade Garrett would have brought all of Bodhi's cult to justice in about 12 minutes. And his death was so much more dramatic that Rosie's. He literally died ON THE BAR. Rosie's death was only noted in passing by Agent Utah at the end of the movie.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Leading Lady
Bodhi had Tyler before the movie begins, but once Johnny Utah moved in, she was gone. Tyler always reminded me of Demi Moore in Ghost, which I've already established is not a good thing. I'd like to think in the deleted scenes Bodhi rebounded well and found himself another lady.
As you know, Dalton had Doctor Elizabeth Clay who for some inexplicable reason is living in Jasper, Missouri. Whatever the reason, it worked out well for Dalton. She does lose points for getting upset when Dalton rips the guy's throat out near the end of the movie. HE JUST BLEW UP AN OLD MAN'S HOUSE!!!! He also deserved to die for wearing the dreaded denim on denim outfit. But in the end, not even close.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Quotes
1. Bodhi: (After helping Utah fight off the two guys that jumped him on the beach) They're punks. Nazis. Their brains are wired wrong. They hurt surfing because they give nothing back, and they have no respect for the sea. They just want to get radical. It's mindless aggression. They'll never get it, the spiritual side of it.
2. Utah: Don't you gamble?
Bodhi: Only make bets I can't afford to lose. Only way to be 100% committed.
3. Bodhi: Not tragic to die doing what you love. You want the ultimate thrill, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price.
4. Bodhi: It's basic dog psychology, brah. If you scare them, get them pissing down their leg, they submit...you control them. If you project weakness, you draw aggression...that's how people get hurt. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. You project strength to avoid conflict.
5. Bodhi: Time to dance with the universe.
Wow. He's pretty close to putting on the black Nike high-tops and waiting for the spaceship behind Halley's Comet to arrive. Now for some Dalton....
1. Dalton: Pain don't hurt.
2. Dalton: Nobody ever wins a fight.
3. Doctor: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.
4. Dalton: Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.
5. Dalton: I want you to be nice until it's time not to be nice.
As much as I love Dalton's bluntness, it's really hard to top Bodhi's incoherent rambling. "Time to dance with the universe." What the hell does that mean?
ADVANTAGE:
Better Antagonist
Bodhi had to match wits against Johnny Utah and Gary Busey, a formidable duo. Busey gave us such great lines as "Utah, make it two!", which is incredibly fun to say in bars today, and Busey kept Utah from going to jail even though he just helped Bodhi and company rob a bank. It was unfortunate when Busey got cut in half by the shotgun blast at the airport, but he did get Utah there in time to make the plane to Mexico. Look, anytime a meatball sub loving, washed-up agent in Gary Busey is on your tail, you're screwed.
Dalton had to go against Brad Wesley and the denim dude who said, "I used to $%#& guys like you in prison" (Which, to this day, is one of the most awkward moments in the history of film). It was rough for Dalton because Wesley was pretty much the dictator of Jasper. He destroyed some guy's car dealership, blew up an old man's house, and blew up another old man's auto parts store. And no one in Jasper thought to complain to someone in the state government? Or the FBI? If the FBI was willing to send an agent to Australia to track down a surfer/bank robber, I think they would have been okay with looking into corruption in Jasper, Missouri.
As much as I enjoyed the Brad Wesley reign of terror, I'll never be able to go against Gary Busey in anything. The man is a total lunatic. For all we know, Busey probably thought he was Agent Pappas until someone told him he really wasn't in the FBI and his name was not Pappas.
ADVANTAGE:
Best Resolution of Conflict
Bodhi tried to escape to Mexico while using Tyler as ransom to keep Johnny Utah at bay. Of course, he's eventually hunted down but he at least forced Utah to jump out of a plane WITH NO PARACHUTE in an attempt to stop him. In the process, everyone in his cult was killed. Not a good ending for our philosopher surfer.
On the other hand, Dalton RIPPED A HUMAN BEING'S THROAT OUT with his bare hands. But he didn't stop there. In storming Wesley's compound, he sent his driverless Mercedes sailing into Wesley's fat, greasy mercenaries as a diversion while he stormed inside. I always hoped he would rip Wesley's throat out too, but unfortunately he went soft and didn't do it. Damn you Dr. Clay, damn you!!! Of course, Wesley did die at the hands of townspeople (who conveniently elect murder over government prosecution).
ADVANTAGE:
So there it is. Patrick Swayze's best role was Bodhi in Point Break. Now our minds can be at ease, sleep can come easier, and souls can be refreshed.
The question is: What is Patrick Swayze's best role, Bodhi in Point Break or Dalton in Road House?
Now, before I get into the breakdown, let me explain why these are the only two on the list. These are the only two characters he played that are both completely over the top and spectacularly amazing. You could make an argument about Jed in Red Dawn, but his character wasn't that ridiculous. The premise of the movie was ridiculous, but all-in-all Jed was pretty normal. If you just thought to yourself, "What about Ghost and Dirty Dancing?" Stop reading right now, walk outside, find the nearest bridge, and jump off.
The two roles will be broken down into seven categories and a point will be given to the winner of each category. Let's begin.
Better Name
First, you have Bodhi. A near perfect name for a surfer, then you throw in the fact he likes to dabble in philosophy and some sort of mysticism. I'm not sure a more fitting name has ever been given to a character. I'd like to think there's a colony of surfers somewhere who are all named Bodhi.
Second, Dalton. A true red-blooded American name. Tough and mean when he has to be. I think some shoe company should launch a brand of boots called Daltons. And they'd probably need to be steel-toed boots. I'd love to be able to say, "I saw a guy in a pair of Daltons kick the holy crap out of this other dude." However, as much as I love the name Dalton, I can't go against Bodhi.
ADVANTAGE:
More Ridiculous Character
First, Bodhi the surfer who also robs banks while wearing a mask of an ex-president. And he's apparently good enough at robbing banks that he's wanted by the FBI so badly they send in an undercover agent to bring him to justice, but only finally do so in AUSTRALIA because he's there to surf waves created by a 100 year storm. I know, take a minute and let that sink in.
Second, Dalton the cooler who's known throughout the Midwest and South for his ability to clean up troublesome drinking establishments and was probably the Curt Flood of coolers in America. Do you realize Dalton left Memphis for Jasper, Missouri and a bar located in a gravel parking lot next to an old man's auto parts store? I know the money was better but is that really a vertical career move? And let's not ignore the fact he's a cooler who makes an attempt to be nice. I'm quite certain that's completely insane.
This one is unbelievably close and I went back and forth on it several times. In the end, the combination of surfer, bank robber, philosopher, and avid skydiver is too much.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Sidekick
Bodhi had his gang of surfers that followed him and bought into his beliefs. Now that I think about it, he actually had his own cult. But no one in this group really stood out. You could argue Johnny Utah was a sidekick but not for the entire movie. If you had to name a sidekick, it would be Rosie, the guy who kidnapped Tyler and was going to kill her had Bodhi not arrived in Mexico with the money they stole.
Dalton had the grizzled Wade Garrett, perfectly played by Sam Elliott. Elliott probably spent a year smoking eight packs of cigarettes a day and drinking enough liquor to float a battleship (to steal a line from Lynyrd Skynyrd) in preparation for this role. Not only is he Dalton's sidekick, he's also his mentor. It's his death that finally sends Dalton over the edge and leads to the demise of Brad Wesley. By the way, the dance scene with Garrett and Dalton's lady friend has to be one of the creepiest moments in movie history.
This one's not even close. Wade Garrett would have brought all of Bodhi's cult to justice in about 12 minutes. And his death was so much more dramatic that Rosie's. He literally died ON THE BAR. Rosie's death was only noted in passing by Agent Utah at the end of the movie.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Leading Lady
Bodhi had Tyler before the movie begins, but once Johnny Utah moved in, she was gone. Tyler always reminded me of Demi Moore in Ghost, which I've already established is not a good thing. I'd like to think in the deleted scenes Bodhi rebounded well and found himself another lady.
As you know, Dalton had Doctor Elizabeth Clay who for some inexplicable reason is living in Jasper, Missouri. Whatever the reason, it worked out well for Dalton. She does lose points for getting upset when Dalton rips the guy's throat out near the end of the movie. HE JUST BLEW UP AN OLD MAN'S HOUSE!!!! He also deserved to die for wearing the dreaded denim on denim outfit. But in the end, not even close.
ADVANTAGE:
Better Quotes
1. Bodhi: (After helping Utah fight off the two guys that jumped him on the beach) They're punks. Nazis. Their brains are wired wrong. They hurt surfing because they give nothing back, and they have no respect for the sea. They just want to get radical. It's mindless aggression. They'll never get it, the spiritual side of it.
2. Utah: Don't you gamble?
Bodhi: Only make bets I can't afford to lose. Only way to be 100% committed.
3. Bodhi: Not tragic to die doing what you love. You want the ultimate thrill, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price.
4. Bodhi: It's basic dog psychology, brah. If you scare them, get them pissing down their leg, they submit...you control them. If you project weakness, you draw aggression...that's how people get hurt. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. You project strength to avoid conflict.
5. Bodhi: Time to dance with the universe.
Wow. He's pretty close to putting on the black Nike high-tops and waiting for the spaceship behind Halley's Comet to arrive. Now for some Dalton....
1. Dalton: Pain don't hurt.
2. Dalton: Nobody ever wins a fight.
3. Doctor: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.
4. Dalton: Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.
5. Dalton: I want you to be nice until it's time not to be nice.
As much as I love Dalton's bluntness, it's really hard to top Bodhi's incoherent rambling. "Time to dance with the universe." What the hell does that mean?
ADVANTAGE:
Better Antagonist
Bodhi had to match wits against Johnny Utah and Gary Busey, a formidable duo. Busey gave us such great lines as "Utah, make it two!", which is incredibly fun to say in bars today, and Busey kept Utah from going to jail even though he just helped Bodhi and company rob a bank. It was unfortunate when Busey got cut in half by the shotgun blast at the airport, but he did get Utah there in time to make the plane to Mexico. Look, anytime a meatball sub loving, washed-up agent in Gary Busey is on your tail, you're screwed.
Dalton had to go against Brad Wesley and the denim dude who said, "I used to $%#& guys like you in prison" (Which, to this day, is one of the most awkward moments in the history of film). It was rough for Dalton because Wesley was pretty much the dictator of Jasper. He destroyed some guy's car dealership, blew up an old man's house, and blew up another old man's auto parts store. And no one in Jasper thought to complain to someone in the state government? Or the FBI? If the FBI was willing to send an agent to Australia to track down a surfer/bank robber, I think they would have been okay with looking into corruption in Jasper, Missouri.
As much as I enjoyed the Brad Wesley reign of terror, I'll never be able to go against Gary Busey in anything. The man is a total lunatic. For all we know, Busey probably thought he was Agent Pappas until someone told him he really wasn't in the FBI and his name was not Pappas.
ADVANTAGE:
Best Resolution of Conflict
Bodhi tried to escape to Mexico while using Tyler as ransom to keep Johnny Utah at bay. Of course, he's eventually hunted down but he at least forced Utah to jump out of a plane WITH NO PARACHUTE in an attempt to stop him. In the process, everyone in his cult was killed. Not a good ending for our philosopher surfer.
On the other hand, Dalton RIPPED A HUMAN BEING'S THROAT OUT with his bare hands. But he didn't stop there. In storming Wesley's compound, he sent his driverless Mercedes sailing into Wesley's fat, greasy mercenaries as a diversion while he stormed inside. I always hoped he would rip Wesley's throat out too, but unfortunately he went soft and didn't do it. Damn you Dr. Clay, damn you!!! Of course, Wesley did die at the hands of townspeople (who conveniently elect murder over government prosecution).
ADVANTAGE:
So there it is. Patrick Swayze's best role was Bodhi in Point Break. Now our minds can be at ease, sleep can come easier, and souls can be refreshed.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Band Fight
With no end in sight to the writer's strike, networks will soon be turning to "reality" television shows to replace the barrage of reruns they've been trotting out since early November. And it's about stinking time because I, for one, am tired of having nothing to watch other than repeats I've seen at least twice. It's like watching Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner take the field each Sunday. There might be a few highlights worth watching, but it's going to be fairly boring and you already know how it's going to end. And in the case of TV shows that compare with Vinny T and Kurt Warner, they never end well.
So with the rise in the need for reality TV shows, I think it's finally time to pitch my idea to a network. Most likely it will have to be FOX since it was the same network that showed the World Eating Championship (it's been almost six years I'm still traumatized from watching grown men eat entire bowls of mayonnaise and four pound sticks of butter) and the "We Never Landed on the Moon" show, which pretty much convinced me we never did. Basically, FOX will air just about anything, which is exactly what I need.
The premise: Two crappy bands (and by crappy I mean the worst bands alive today) are put on a remote island in separate camps, much like Survivor, and a winner is declared when one band kills off the all the members of the other band. Shocking? Yes. But compelling and rich. Obviously, the life/death thing going on will bring high drama to the show but the real purpose of the show is to destroy crappy music by destroying crappy bands. For instance, the pilot will feature Nickelback and Smash Mouth, arguably two of the worst bands of our time, if not all-time, squaring off in a battle of survival. Even if Smash Mouth were to prevail, surely they'd lose a band member or two in the process which would certainly put their music making on the shelf for a little while. So with Smash Mouth depleted and Nickelback gone, the free world actually wins because the amount of crappy music being produced will drop. Do you know anyone who has actually said, "I can't wait for the new Nickelback album to come out"? I didn't think so. Point winner, free world.
The one possible drawback to the show is if the lead singer of one of the crappy bands survives. For example, were Nickelback to defeat Smash Mouth and the lead singer Chad whateverhisnameis survives, it would almost certainly mean the launch of his solo career. I've considered this point, but if Chad ? were to launch a solo career it wold almost immediately be followed by the apocalypse so we wouldn't have to endure it for very long.
Tentatively, the show is called Band Fight: (insert location here). Stealing a location from Survivor, the first show could be called Band Fight: Cook Islands. Possible future locations could include Haiti, Guam, the Azores, and Detroit. And if the show gets picked up (which is about as sure as a thing there is in life), future participants could include Cowboy Mouth, The Black Eyed Peas, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and just about anyone else that plays pretend country music. Now all I need is a meeting with FOX executives so I can start counting my money and enjoying a world with a little bit less crappy music.
So with the rise in the need for reality TV shows, I think it's finally time to pitch my idea to a network. Most likely it will have to be FOX since it was the same network that showed the World Eating Championship (it's been almost six years I'm still traumatized from watching grown men eat entire bowls of mayonnaise and four pound sticks of butter) and the "We Never Landed on the Moon" show, which pretty much convinced me we never did. Basically, FOX will air just about anything, which is exactly what I need.
The premise: Two crappy bands (and by crappy I mean the worst bands alive today) are put on a remote island in separate camps, much like Survivor, and a winner is declared when one band kills off the all the members of the other band. Shocking? Yes. But compelling and rich. Obviously, the life/death thing going on will bring high drama to the show but the real purpose of the show is to destroy crappy music by destroying crappy bands. For instance, the pilot will feature Nickelback and Smash Mouth, arguably two of the worst bands of our time, if not all-time, squaring off in a battle of survival. Even if Smash Mouth were to prevail, surely they'd lose a band member or two in the process which would certainly put their music making on the shelf for a little while. So with Smash Mouth depleted and Nickelback gone, the free world actually wins because the amount of crappy music being produced will drop. Do you know anyone who has actually said, "I can't wait for the new Nickelback album to come out"? I didn't think so. Point winner, free world.
The one possible drawback to the show is if the lead singer of one of the crappy bands survives. For example, were Nickelback to defeat Smash Mouth and the lead singer Chad whateverhisnameis survives, it would almost certainly mean the launch of his solo career. I've considered this point, but if Chad ? were to launch a solo career it wold almost immediately be followed by the apocalypse so we wouldn't have to endure it for very long.
Tentatively, the show is called Band Fight: (insert location here). Stealing a location from Survivor, the first show could be called Band Fight: Cook Islands. Possible future locations could include Haiti, Guam, the Azores, and Detroit. And if the show gets picked up (which is about as sure as a thing there is in life), future participants could include Cowboy Mouth, The Black Eyed Peas, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and just about anyone else that plays pretend country music. Now all I need is a meeting with FOX executives so I can start counting my money and enjoying a world with a little bit less crappy music.
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