Bodhi or Dalton?

The time has come to finally answer the question that has haunted our society (especially Spike TV viewers since the network was born in August of 2003). While it is not an easy question to answer, I will attempt to break it down thoroughly and objectively, hopefully removing an predetermined bias I might have lodged in my subconscious.

The question is: What is Patrick Swayze's best role, Bodhi in Point Break or Dalton in Road House?

Now, before I get into the breakdown, let me explain why these are the only two on the list. These are the only two characters he played that are both completely over the top and spectacularly amazing. You could make an argument about Jed in Red Dawn, but his character wasn't that ridiculous. The premise of the movie was ridiculous, but all-in-all Jed was pretty normal. If you just thought to yourself, "What about Ghost and Dirty Dancing?" Stop reading right now, walk outside, find the nearest bridge, and jump off.

The two roles will be broken down into seven categories and a point will be given to the winner of each category. Let's begin.

Better Name
First, you have Bodhi. A near perfect name for a surfer, then you throw in the fact he likes to dabble in philosophy and some sort of mysticism. I'm not sure a more fitting name has ever been given to a character. I'd like to think there's a colony of surfers somewhere who are all named Bodhi.

Second, Dalton. A true red-blooded American name. Tough and mean when he has to be. I think some shoe company should launch a brand of boots called Daltons. And they'd probably need to be steel-toed boots. I'd love to be able to say, "I saw a guy in a pair of Daltons kick the holy crap out of this other dude." However, as much as I love the name Dalton, I can't go against Bodhi.
ADVANTAGE:


More Ridiculous Character
First, Bodhi the surfer who also robs banks while wearing a mask of an ex-president. And he's apparently good enough at robbing banks that he's wanted by the FBI so badly they send in an undercover agent to bring him to justice, but only finally do so in AUSTRALIA because he's there to surf waves created by a 100 year storm. I know, take a minute and let that sink in.

Second, Dalton the cooler who's known throughout the Midwest and South for his ability to clean up troublesome drinking establishments and was probably the Curt Flood of coolers in America. Do you realize Dalton left Memphis for Jasper, Missouri and a bar located in a gravel parking lot next to an old man's auto parts store? I know the money was better but is that really a vertical career move? And let's not ignore the fact he's a cooler who makes an attempt to be nice. I'm quite certain that's completely insane.

This one is unbelievably close and I went back and forth on it several times. In the end, the combination of surfer, bank robber, philosopher, and avid skydiver is too much.
ADVANTAGE:


Better Sidekick
Bodhi had his gang of surfers that followed him and bought into his beliefs. Now that I think about it, he actually had his own cult. But no one in this group really stood out. You could argue Johnny Utah was a sidekick but not for the entire movie. If you had to name a sidekick, it would be Rosie, the guy who kidnapped Tyler and was going to kill her had Bodhi not arrived in Mexico with the money they stole.

Dalton had the grizzled Wade Garrett, perfectly played by Sam Elliott. Elliott probably spent a year smoking eight packs of cigarettes a day and drinking enough liquor to float a battleship (to steal a line from Lynyrd Skynyrd) in preparation for this role. Not only is he Dalton's sidekick, he's also his mentor. It's his death that finally sends Dalton over the edge and leads to the demise of Brad Wesley. By the way, the dance scene with Garrett and Dalton's lady friend has to be one of the creepiest moments in movie history.

This one's not even close. Wade Garrett would have brought all of Bodhi's cult to justice in about 12 minutes. And his death was so much more dramatic that Rosie's. He literally died ON THE BAR. Rosie's death was only noted in passing by Agent Utah at the end of the movie.
ADVANTAGE:


Better Leading Lady
Bodhi had Tyler before the movie begins, but once Johnny Utah moved in, she was gone. Tyler always reminded me of Demi Moore in Ghost, which I've already established is not a good thing. I'd like to think in the deleted scenes Bodhi rebounded well and found himself another lady.

As you know, Dalton had Doctor Elizabeth Clay who for some inexplicable reason is living in Jasper, Missouri. Whatever the reason, it worked out well for Dalton. She does lose points for getting upset when Dalton rips the guy's throat out near the end of the movie. HE JUST BLEW UP AN OLD MAN'S HOUSE!!!! He also deserved to die for wearing the dreaded denim on denim outfit. But in the end, not even close.
ADVANTAGE:


Better Quotes
1. Bodhi: (After helping Utah fight off the two guys that jumped him on the beach) They're punks. Nazis. Their brains are wired wrong. They hurt surfing because they give nothing back, and they have no respect for the sea. They just want to get radical. It's mindless aggression. They'll never get it, the spiritual side of it.

2. Utah: Don't you gamble?
Bodhi: Only make bets I can't afford to lose. Only way to be 100% committed.

3. Bodhi: Not tragic to die doing what you love. You want the ultimate thrill, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price.

4. Bodhi: It's basic dog psychology, brah. If you scare them, get them pissing down their leg, they submit...you control them. If you project weakness, you draw aggression...that's how people get hurt. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. You project strength to avoid conflict.

5. Bodhi: Time to dance with the universe.

Wow. He's pretty close to putting on the black Nike high-tops and waiting for the spaceship behind Halley's Comet to arrive. Now for some Dalton....

1. Dalton: Pain don't hurt.

2. Dalton: Nobody ever wins a fight.

3. Doctor: Do you always carry your medical record around with you?
Dalton: Saves time.

4. Dalton: Take the biggest guy in the world, shatter his knee and he'll drop like a stone.

5. Dalton: I want you to be nice until it's time not to be nice.

As much as I love Dalton's bluntness, it's really hard to top Bodhi's incoherent rambling. "Time to dance with the universe." What the hell does that mean?
ADVANTAGE:


Better Antagonist
Bodhi had to match wits against Johnny Utah and Gary Busey, a formidable duo. Busey gave us such great lines as "Utah, make it two!", which is incredibly fun to say in bars today, and Busey kept Utah from going to jail even though he just helped Bodhi and company rob a bank. It was unfortunate when Busey got cut in half by the shotgun blast at the airport, but he did get Utah there in time to make the plane to Mexico. Look, anytime a meatball sub loving, washed-up agent in Gary Busey is on your tail, you're screwed.

Dalton had to go against Brad Wesley and the denim dude who said, "I used to $%#& guys like you in prison" (Which, to this day, is one of the most awkward moments in the history of film). It was rough for Dalton because Wesley was pretty much the dictator of Jasper. He destroyed some guy's car dealership, blew up an old man's house, and blew up another old man's auto parts store. And no one in Jasper thought to complain to someone in the state government? Or the FBI? If the FBI was willing to send an agent to Australia to track down a surfer/bank robber, I think they would have been okay with looking into corruption in Jasper, Missouri.

As much as I enjoyed the Brad Wesley reign of terror, I'll never be able to go against Gary Busey in anything. The man is a total lunatic. For all we know, Busey probably thought he was Agent Pappas until someone told him he really wasn't in the FBI and his name was not Pappas.
ADVANTAGE:


Best Resolution of Conflict
Bodhi tried to escape to Mexico while using Tyler as ransom to keep Johnny Utah at bay. Of course, he's eventually hunted down but he at least forced Utah to jump out of a plane WITH NO PARACHUTE in an attempt to stop him. In the process, everyone in his cult was killed. Not a good ending for our philosopher surfer.

On the other hand, Dalton RIPPED A HUMAN BEING'S THROAT OUT with his bare hands. But he didn't stop there. In storming Wesley's compound, he sent his driverless Mercedes sailing into Wesley's fat, greasy mercenaries as a diversion while he stormed inside. I always hoped he would rip Wesley's throat out too, but unfortunately he went soft and didn't do it. Damn you Dr. Clay, damn you!!! Of course, Wesley did die at the hands of townspeople (who conveniently elect murder over government prosecution).
ADVANTAGE:


So there it is. Patrick Swayze's best role was Bodhi in Point Break. Now our minds can be at ease, sleep can come easier, and souls can be refreshed.

Band Fight

With no end in sight to the writer's strike, networks will soon be turning to "reality" television shows to replace the barrage of reruns they've been trotting out since early November. And it's about stinking time because I, for one, am tired of having nothing to watch other than repeats I've seen at least twice. It's like watching Vinny Testaverde and Kurt Warner take the field each Sunday. There might be a few highlights worth watching, but it's going to be fairly boring and you already know how it's going to end. And in the case of TV shows that compare with Vinny T and Kurt Warner, they never end well.

So with the rise in the need for reality TV shows, I think it's finally time to pitch my idea to a network. Most likely it will have to be FOX since it was the same network that showed the World Eating Championship (it's been almost six years I'm still traumatized from watching grown men eat entire bowls of mayonnaise and four pound sticks of butter) and the "We Never Landed on the Moon" show, which pretty much convinced me we never did. Basically, FOX will air just about anything, which is exactly what I need.

The premise: Two crappy bands (and by crappy I mean the worst bands alive today) are put on a remote island in separate camps, much like Survivor, and a winner is declared when one band kills off the all the members of the other band. Shocking? Yes. But compelling and rich. Obviously, the life/death thing going on will bring high drama to the show but the real purpose of the show is to destroy crappy music by destroying crappy bands. For instance, the pilot will feature Nickelback and Smash Mouth, arguably two of the worst bands of our time, if not all-time, squaring off in a battle of survival. Even if Smash Mouth were to prevail, surely they'd lose a band member or two in the process which would certainly put their music making on the shelf for a little while. So with Smash Mouth depleted and Nickelback gone, the free world actually wins because the amount of crappy music being produced will drop. Do you know anyone who has actually said, "I can't wait for the new Nickelback album to come out"? I didn't think so. Point winner, free world.

The one possible drawback to the show is if the lead singer of one of the crappy bands survives. For example, were Nickelback to defeat Smash Mouth and the lead singer Chad whateverhisnameis survives, it would almost certainly mean the launch of his solo career. I've considered this point, but if Chad ? were to launch a solo career it wold almost immediately be followed by the apocalypse so we wouldn't have to endure it for very long.

Tentatively, the show is called Band Fight: (insert location here). Stealing a location from Survivor, the first show could be called Band Fight: Cook Islands. Possible future locations could include Haiti, Guam, the Azores, and Detroit. And if the show gets picked up (which is about as sure as a thing there is in life), future participants could include Cowboy Mouth, The Black Eyed Peas, Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, and just about anyone else that plays pretend country music. Now all I need is a meeting with FOX executives so I can start counting my money and enjoying a world with a little bit less crappy music.

Houston Nutt and Ole Miss? Surely You Jest

I can only hope he will bring this outfit to Oxford.

When I first heard "reliable" rumors that Houston Nutt was probably going to be the next coach at Ole Miss, my first reaction was a shrug of the shoulders followed by an "Eh, we could do worse." Granted, the man had tremendous success at Arkansas, a school long removed from the national power scene and one located in a less than desirable recruiting area. But this was also the same guy that the majority of Arkansas fans were one more text message to a news anchor away from burning him in effigy. Put more simply, his act and off the field problems reached a boiling point with the fans.

Now that I've had some time to digest the news that the craziest, most emotional coach in the SEC West will in fact be in Oxford next fall, I'm not sure I could be more excited. Ole Miss finally found the proven head coach we were looking for three years ago when we instead hired a DEFENSIVE LINE COACH. Really, look it up. A defensive line coach with not even a breath of coordinator experience. Houston Nutt has 15 years experience has a HEAD COACH with eleven of those years being a Division I coach. Mathematicians haven't invented a number high enough to accurately explain the numerical quality hire percentage difference between the two hires (For the record, I don't know how you calculate quality hire percentage, I just made it up.)

What Ole Miss gets in Houston Nutt is a coach that's spent the last 10 years not just in the SEC, but in the very same division in which we play. I think it's safe to say he has his fingers on the pulse of the SEC and the Western division, which leads me to my next point. Other than getting adjusted to Ole Miss' half ass ways and his new team, there should be no major adjustment period. He already knows what it takes to win in the SEC. Now I'm not saying Ole Miss is going to come out and win eight games next year, but I can guarantee we won't see any of the Mickey Mouse coaching we've grown accustomed to over the past three years. Houston Nutt himself may remind you of Mickey Mouse at times, but not his coaching.

I don't expect him to be running off nine win season after nine win season. That's unrealistic. Ole Miss now has a guy that can win six or seven games a year consistently with an occasional nine to ten win season thrown in when everything falls into the right place. (And at this point I'd probably start sacrificing body parts just to get back to Shreveport. The bidding starts at two toes for Shreveport and for a BCS game, I'll go as high as a kidney. You only need one to live, right?) If you're asking anything more than that from an Ole Miss coach in this day of college football (especially in the SEC), you're crazy. So I embrace Houston Nutt and his potential traveling side show. Now, if you want to name a better choice (realistic) for Ole Miss, please attempt to do so. While you're doing that, I'm off to go stand in line for the first edition of "The Nutt House" t-shirt.

The Hills Breakdown

First, an apology to The Hills fans. I can't believe it's taken me this long to dive into a season three breakdown of the show's main personalities (I'm not sure if that's the right word or not). Forgive me for my slacking and I hope this can make up for it.......

Lauren
She's pretty much the most boring person on the show. She never really says anything interesting or does anything other than complaining about having no boyfriend (as she sucks down another mixed drink). Although I've never seen her smoke on the show, her voice sounds like she eats Marlboro Reds for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And then for dessert, she has a pack of Virginia Slims. Does she naturally have a 35 year old smoker's voice? I have no answers here. Someone needs to get to the bottom of this.

Apparently, she's also in school and has some sort of part-time job at Teen Vogue. I've seen no visual evidence as to what she actually does there (or if she actually goes to school), but it appears she mostly sits in front of a computer and talks to Whitney about what the club scene was like the night before. My favorite days are when she comes in and looks exactly like you would picture someone with a hangover. Good thing her greatest responsibility at work has been to sort jeans into different sizes for a photo shoot.

Audrina
Not surprisingly, she's just as boring as her roommate, Lauren. She does earn a few more points because she "chills" with Justin Bobby, who might be the single greatest person on TV right now. Why she still gives him the time of day doesn't make any sense at all. He must posses some sort of mind control because why would anyone want to be around someone who doesn't appear to shower, speak in complete sentences, have rational thoughts, and as Lauren pointed out, he wears combat boots to the beach. He could also be hooking up Audrina with some smack or Columbian bam-bam which would explain why she clings to him and why she weighs about 46 pounds.

Justin Bobby
Wow. I don't even know where to start. Apparently, his name at one time was Bobby but recently he's switched to Justin, hence the nickname Justin Bobby. I have no idea if either of these names were actually given to him at birth or if he just picked them out of a book. Or they could be the names of two homeless philosophers he met at the soup kitchen one day. Anything is possible with him.

Justin Bobby spends most of his time on the show not speaking to any of Audrina's friends and doing everything possible to get Audrina to never speak to him again. But when he's in need of a friend, he cranks up the Jedi mind control and Audrina willingly runs out the door to go meet him. I wish I could remember all the great quotes he's provided from these meetings but only one really sticks out in my mind. After Audrina tells him they just need to be friends, he comes back at her with something like "Why do we need labels on everything? Why does society do that? Why can't we just be? You know what I'm saying?" Compelling and rich.
The poet laureate of Hollywood:


Heidi
Speaking of brainwashed, she's fallen under the magical spell of the perpetually unemployed Spencer. He's a guy so unemployed that he has the time to oversee the painting of this on the LIVING ROOM WALL OF THEIR APARTMENT:

Seriously, on the living room wall. And it was not a joke. He and Heidi got into a fight over whether it could stay or had to go. It was one of the more unbelievable sequence of events to ever happen on the show. I can't remember exactly but I feel certain the mural stayed on the wall for at least three episodes.

As for Heidi, she appears to be trying to make a name for herself in corporate America. After locking down a spot at Bolthouse Productions, she's quickly climbed the ladder and now finds herself in charge of parties or something. Quick side note, what does it take to get a job at Bolthouse Productions? Other than a pulse and the ability to speak, I haven't spotted any qualifications. Clearly, a college education is not needed, but you better damn well know how to cross people off a list as they enter a party.

It will be interesting to see if Heidi cracks under the pressure of her rigorous work schedule that comes with her new position. Will she excel at name crossing off or will Brent Bolthouse regret the day he chose to hitch his wagon to her star? Other than a season four of this show, I demand that MTV give us a "Where are they now" show in five years.

Spencer
Easily described as Lauren's nemesis. In the recent weeks, Spencer has managed to be named as the person that started the Lauren/Jason sex tape rumors, oversaw the painting of the above mural, avoided finding a job, cut off communication with his best friend Brody Jenner, and tried to make Heidi feel like a traitor for skipping out on their anniversary to go to work. I think he wakes up each day trying to see how badly he can piss off everyone that he knows. Speaking of waking up, here's my best attempt to layout Spencer's day until Heidi gets home from work:
10:15 Hit snooze on alarm.
10:24 Snooze again.
10:33 Rise and shine.
10:35 Look into mirror to admire himself.
10:42 Still looking.
10:50 Let Hills camera crew into the apartment so they can film him saying by to Heidi as she leaves for work. Heidi is not actually there since she left for work some 3 hours ago. Editing people, editing.
11:15 Got the perfect goodbye on the eighth take.
11:20 Turn on CNBC and pretend to look at stocks while MTV is still there.
1:00 Work out time. Tuesdays and Thursdays are arms and back.
3:30 Play old school arcade games in the apartment.
5:59 Pretend to be doing something constructive when Heidi walks through the door.

J-Wahl
Fresh out of rehab, the hero of seasons one and two is back on the scene. At first, it seemed he and Lauren might be getting back together but that was too predictable for J-Wahl. Turns out, J-Wahl already has a girlfriend and just wanted to hang around Lauren for no apparent reason. Then, as if that wasn't a big enough surprise, J-Wahl invites Lauren to a party where we find out that it's actually an engagement party for J-Wahl and his 16 year ol....17 year.....wait, 18 year old.......okay, she has to be at least 20. I think.

Katja (I think that's her name) is fresh out of Mission Viejo High School and, okay I made that up, but there's no way she's a day older than 20. It was an enjoyable moment when she got to meet Lauren at the party. I'm pretty sure she murdered Lauren 800 different ways with her eyes. Who can blame her though? J-Wahl is such a hot commodity, you've got to protect your territory. If MTV doesn't give J-Wahl a spin-off show after everyone else refuses to do season four of this show, I may never watch another one of their pseudo-reality shows again. Well, that's probably a lie. But I assure you, I won't be happy.

Picture Time

Although I've given up on the Rebels for the time being, it doesn't mean I won't stop making fun of them. In today's post, we'll take a look at the 2007 season thus far in pictures.

The Coach:

The defense, seen here playing the part of the Red Sea:

The defense again, playing the part of Georgia's landscape during Sherman's march to the sea:


The offense, represented by this jalopy. It can run well at times, but the breakdowns will come and come often. You just never know when:


Mix these ingredients together, add a little special teams for flavoring and this is what you get:


And the end result: