The Belly of the Beast

Packing Up The Moving Van

2011-11-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

In a bit of news that's probably way too exciting for a Wednesday (feels more like Friday news), The Belly of the Beast is loading the van and headed to a new home in the next day or so. I'm taking this 32-cent dog and pony show over the the Bloguin network after they contacted and invited me to join their ranks (FOOLS!), thus ending this marginally glorious run at the blogger site.

Now, what all of this means is that I'm pretty sure nothing will go as planned, as all moves tend to do, and the gas will take at least three days to get turned on and acquiring TV/Internet will be the normal soul-draining ordeal it has come to be. So I ask for some patience as I try to make things, at a bare minimum, four to eight percent fully operational at the new place. The URL will remain the same and should direct you to the new host. If not, I will curse and point at my computer, which I'm sure will fix things right away.

So, barring the moving van careening into a canyon, this should be the final post on the blogger site. Until we meet again at the new place, I leave you with a message from Bodhi:

Terror Comes in Three Forms for Georgia Fans and Players

2011-11-01T18:26:00.000-05:00

Mark Richt announced to day that three of his four scholarship running backs, including starter Isaiah Crowell, would be suspended for Saturday's game against New Mexico State for an alleged failed drug test OH IT WAS SO FAILED DRUG TEST. Adding to the lack of depth is the injury to backup Richard Samuel, who was injured on the last play of the game against Florida, and will be out for a month. Fortunately for the Bulldogs, they'll be using their walk-on backs against New Mexico State, a team with a 25% chance of getting lost on the way to the stadium.

With these suspensions, there are now three things, up from two, of which Georgia fans and players should live in constant fear:

Visual Evidence Houston Nutt Can Communicate With Bald Eagles

2011-11-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

First, video of a bald eagle telling Nutt that countering Auburn's third quarter adjustments is going to be the key to winning the second half of last Saturday's game.

Nutt's response:

"EEEEEEEEE. EEEEEEEEE. EEEEEE. WE'RE GONNA STRETCH MORE AND GET OUT THERE A LITTLE EARLY. EEEEEEEE. THAT SHOULD DO IT. EEEEEEEE. EEEEEEEEEE."

Listen to the eagles, coach. They know more than you think.

Also, to further use the Nutt shrieking eagle face, and to show what 11 straight SEC losses looks like, I've marked the Ole Miss schedules from 2010 and 2011 with the greatest face Nutt has never made to show you how sad it's all become.

I HATE ALL OF THIS SO MUCH.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-10-31T10:37:00.000-05:00

GAME RECAPS

Arkansas 31, Vanderbilt 28
If you're a Vanderbilt fan, you know how your season is gonna go. Of your eight conference games, you will get blown out in two or three, beat Ole Miss, and have four games you could or should win, but lose, and often in a horrible fashion like Saturday. After Arkansas ran the Zac Stacy fumble back 94 yards for a touchdown, turning what would have been a 35-20 game into a 28-28 game, any good Vanderbilt fan had to know it was over.

James Franklin has certainly turned Vandy into a much more competent group, but without a group of 25-30 solid SEC players (I think they're around 15-20), they're going to find ways to lose games like this. And let's also pull the emergency break on all this James Franklin coach of year talk. He's 1-4 in the league, with his lone victory coming against Ole Miss. I think you'll find that Bobby Johnson produced similar results.

Georgia 24, Florida 20
In the process of trying to recruit the fastest team in America (WHICH IS THE MOST GENIUS IDEA I'VE EVER HEARD HOW DID NO ONE ELSE CONSIDER THIS), Urban Meyer forgot to recruit guys who can block, get open on pass routes, run between the tackles, and play quarterback. Quite a problem if you have to play offense, which, based on the rules of football, can be helpful to your efforts to win a game.

John Brantley is a quarterback with a ceiling of average (whatever they have behind him currently has a ceiling of war bunker). When you are limited at quarterback, (and he's further limited by wide receivers and pass protection), you best be able to generate some kind of a ground game or your offense becomes an offense that isn't really an offense, but a group that hopes the defense and special teams can give it a short field so they can run three plays and then let special teams kick a field goal.

And as bad as Florida's offense has been, on-field discipline has actually gotten worse than Florida's off-the-field discipline. IMPOSSIBLE, you say? In the last three games, the Gators have been flagged for 32 penalties and currently sit in last place in the conference in penalties with 75 in eight games (an average of just over nine a game; Auburn, who has played nine games, is the closest to Florida with 57 penalties).

For a guy who came from the Saban tree, which stresses discipline and error-free football while waiting for the other team to screw up, it's hard to believe something like this would characterize a Muschamp team. But, thanks to his team's love of self-inflicted wounds, we get the privilege of seeing a grown man come a few blood pressure points away from having an Old Faithful-like geyser of blood shoot out of the top of his head.

Auburn 41, Ole Miss 23
Let's play a game. It's called guess which coaches know what the hell is going on and which ones don't. From Rick Cleveland's column on Sunday:

Both Ole Miss defensive coordinator Tyrone Nix and offensive coordinator David Lee said Auburn made no big changes.

And three paragraphs later, the Auburn version of events:

"At halftime, we made a lot of great adjustments, adjusting defensively to some of the run game that we needed to get under control that in the first half got away from us a little bit," Chizik said.

"Coach (Ted) Roof and the defensive staff did a really nice job with that," Chizik continued. "Offensively I felt like at that point we really kind of understood what their game plan was and really knew how to attack them in the second half both running and throwing the football."

If you guessed Ted Roof and company understand more about football than Ole Miss' bunch, congratulations, you are one of life's winners.

And, so now, the rest of you know what Ole Miss fans are dealing with this season. Coaches who can't recognize when the other team adjusts ("WHY ISN'T OUR STUFF WORKING ANYMORE? BETTER JUST STAY WITH WHAT WE WERE DOING. I'M SURE IT'S JUST A MATTER OF TIME."), then spend two quarters getting their asses handed to them.

Assuming no firings are done on the weekend, I'm treating November 28th like a national holiday. Probably take the day off, watch the press conference of Pete Boone and Houston Nutt being shown the door about 742 times, eat a disgustingly fattening lunch, take a four-hour nap, and say goodbye with some daytime fireworks.

Mississippi State 28, Kentucky 16
You know what, screw you, Mississippi State if you injured Morgan Newton enough that he can't keep competing for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. How dare you spoil our fun.

South Carolina 14, Tennessee 3
If there's any good news to be had here for Tennessee, it's that true freshman Justin Worley is already on the same plane as senior Matt Simms, so there's at least a chance for some advancement to another plane. But for now, he and Matt Simms are the same person.

And if you were paying attention, though odds are you didn't watching this game, South Carolina put together a 20-play, 98-yard drive that lasted 11 minutes and 35 seconds. After the resulting touchdown, Spurrier high-fived an assistant, then vomited in a bucket, wiped his mouth, and said, "NEVER AGAIN."

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Tyler Wilson, Arkansas
27-43, 316 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT

Wilson, per standard procedure this season, got the hell beat out of him, yet stayed alive and made some throws no other quarterback in the conference could make when they needed to be made.

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Justin Worley, Tennessee
10-26, 105 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Not his fault he had to play when he wasn't ready, but the Eric Oliver of the Week award does not take into account sympathy.

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Mark Richt
After some "find a way to lose" performances against Florida, Richt held everything together after going down 17-3 and came back to beat a team he should beat. How he prevented a complete collapse, we'll never know. But, if you really want to know, it's that he was playing Florida.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
1. Aaron Murray 9
3. Morgan Newton 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
4. Chris Relf 6
7. Larry Smith 5
7. Jordan Rodgers 5
9. Randall Mackey 4
10. Tyler Wilson 3
10. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Matt Simms 3
10. A.J. McCarron 3
10. Connor Shaw 3

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-1
Season: 37-26-1 (.586)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 3-2
Season: 46-19 (.708)

Mr. Blue
Week: 5-0
Season: 38-27 (.585)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 3-2
Season: 54-11 (.831)

Chris Low
Week: 5-0
Season: 55-10 (.846)

KING OF THE RING
Gray 44-7
Venkman 37-14
Poe 40-11

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Ole Miss at Kentucky
The Anti-Game of the Century. Do you like two pieces of notebook paper colliding? Do you like watching everything go wrong all of the time? Do you hate your life? If so to all three, this game will bring rest and refreshment to your soul.

LSU at Alabama
Essentially, if you care about college football at all and don't watch this, you hate yourself, your life, and everything that is good and decent in this world. Arkansas and South Carolina fans have somewhat of an excuse, as their game, scheduled 45 minutes before this game, is kind of a big deal to each school. But everyone else? Your team stinks and so does the team they're playing.

Texas Pete Week Nine Power Poll And Picks

2011-10-28T14:17:00.000-05:00

Game Watchability Ratings

2011-10-27T12:46:00.001-05:00

With Alabama and LSU taking the week off to prepare for yet another game of the century (BRO, MICHIGAN/OHIO STATE 2006 WAS THE GAME OF THE CENTURY; HAVE YOU SEEN THE LATEST AFFLICTION T-SHIRT? HERE, LET ME TAKE OF MY STARTER JACKET AND SHOW YOU.), the SEC schedule this week is kind of, well, how do I say this without, oh, what the hell, it's full of pain and suffering. Despite this, we'll still watch because that's what something deep inside of us makes us do, even though we are rewarded with so little joy.

And, if you can't make it to a game, why would you even leave the house on a Saturday unless it's to acquire food and drink? I already leave the house the other six days, so if there's not a legitimate (read: life or death and even that's iffy) reason to leave, my ass is PLANTED in a chair or on the couch, watching games in which I hope everyone screws up.

However, if you're one of these people with additional responsibilities other than yourself, I would imagine your window for watching games is somewhat limited. To help you wade through this weekend's less-than-ideal slate of games, I've rated each game's watchability on a scale of one to five Les Miles Seal Claps.

A rating of five Les Miles Seal Claps indicates that a game will be highly entertaining/amusing based on gross incompetence and poor play that achieves laughable status (there's a very fine line between horrid poor play and laughable poor play, but you know it when you see it). A rating of one Les Miles Seal Clap means that a game will be uninteresting and cause you to be sad for everyone involved.

Arkansas at Vanderbilt
Arkansas' quarterback Tyler Wilson vowed this week that he would get the offense off to a quick start in the first half of games for the rest of the year. Unfortunately, staring him in the face this week is an 11:21 Jefferson Pilot game. At Vanderbilt. I'm sure it's written in the SEC bylaws somewhere, but it's well understood that no such thing will be accomplished on this day. Throw in Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying a single, insightful thing, and UGH, this will be negative fun.
RATING:

Georgia at Florida (in Jacksonville)
Rumors of a John Brantley return, the chance Todd Grantham gets off his leash, meats out, and further embarrasses Georgia and Mark Richt, and the possibility one of these teams finds a brutal way to collapse and lose this game (*cough* GEORGIA), the potential for excellence in incompetence and failure is sky high. I've probably never been this excited about watching a terrible game.
RATING:

Ole Miss at Auburn
Auburn's offense is in the midst of its worst slump under the direction of Gus Malzahn. Lucky for them and unlucky for everyone else, the Ole Miss defense comes to town and will help restore the Tiger offense to a non-bumbling status. Watching Houston Nutt and David Lee wreck an offense once plays aren't scripted anymore is always a good time, and with Nutt, it's possible a fire could break out on the sideline at any time. By rule, all games in which Houston Nutt has a hand in the decision-making receive a minimum rating of three Les Miles Seal Clap, and can go up from there.
RATING:

Mississippi State at Kentucky
Since the Auburn game, State has scored 28 total points in conference play. Kentucky has scored 20 points in three conference games. But, you have to be excited about a Morgan Newton interception or five.
RATING:

South Carolina at Tennessee
I'm only watching for the Spurrier faces of exasperation, which, by rule, requires a minimum ranking of two Les Miles Seal Claps.
RATING:

(Edited for mistakes related to 14 seconds of proofreading)

Please Stand By

2011-10-26T15:52:00.001-05:00

Work for which I receive compensation has decided that NO FUN IS TO BE HAD TODAY and has me, you know, actually doing my job during working hours. Let this be a lesson to all of you college kids or those without jobs and with enormous amounts of free time, win the lottery because work ruins EVERYTHING. Always.

Until I emerge from my death stare at my computer monitor and an endless number of requests to do stuff, enjoy the Derek Dooley Halloween costume*.

*Does not include mother who tells everyone within earshot that it is a great costume and deserves to be at many, many more Halloweens.

Abe Simpson Cuts to the Core of Expansion Results

2011-10-25T18:23:00.000-05:00

I stated my position on all this conference expansion business early last month and still stand firmly in that corner, perhaps even angrier than before. Angry that there is a such major distraction running through the best 15 or so weeks of the year, angry that I have to somewhat pay attention to expansion talk or be left clueless, and really angry that next June and July, a perfect time for such talk, is going to be horribly barren and boring because the issue is being addressed now.

Now, the grand reward, at least in the SEC, for three months of "we're so screwed if we don't start scooping up teams now," is that Texas A&M and Missouri (most likely, but seriously, hurry up and make your final decision, assholes) get a meal ticket into the SEC. Texas A&M, whatever. If the conference was going to take a team, it could have done better, but it wasn't a stretch phone call, and it may turn out to be a great decision. I'm just not sure there's that much excitement over their addition. Missouri, however, well, I'll let Abe Simpson say it best:

Jerrell Powe Has No Use For Pete Boone

2011-10-25T11:11:00.000-05:00

Last week, it was former Ole Miss quarterback Romaro Miller voicing his displeasure over the current shitstorm that is everything surrounding Ole Miss athletics and its leadership. This week, former defensive tackle and current Kansas City Chief, Jerrell Powe joined Miller's call for the end of the Pete Boone era at Ole Miss.

Before you continue reading, please feel free to make your own "who wrote the letter" joke. And make another one, there are plenty of them out there. All done? No? Okay, one more. There it is. Now you're good to go.

If you recall, Boone never publicly supported the idea of a high-profile academic risk like Powe coming to Ole Miss. Something about Ole Miss being a bastion of higher learning. SORRY, JERRELL, YOU'RE GONNA NEED AT LEAST A 17 ON THAT ACT. WE HAVE STANDARDS AROUND HERE.

While I understand Boone was trying to protect image of Ole Miss he had in his head, this is the first we've heard that Boone was "discouraging" in Powe's efforts to get into Ole Miss. It's one thing to give Powe requirements to fulfill in order to get into school while not encouraging him, but to work against him (allegedly) is in pretty poor taste.

This revelation certainly won't sit well with the group(s)/hoard(s) out to get Pete Boone, and I expect we'll see an increase in the intensity and effort in their "Fire Pete Boone" drum-beating. And while I'm firmly entrenched in the camp that would like to see Boone not direct athletics at Ole Miss anymore (I am NOT, repeat, NOT in one of these Forward Rebel groups), will someone other than Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones ever mention a word of support for Boone?

Many have spoken that the way a group like Forward Rebels has gone about calling for his firing is wrong, but there have been no words of support for him specifically to remain in his position. Given the sad state of Ole Miss football and that the public's blood is up, I doubt anyone will come to the aid of the man who hired Ed Orgeron and Houston Nutt, the coaches with a combined SEC record of 13-39 since 2005.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-10-24T10:24:00.000-05:00

GAME RECAPS

Kentucky 38, Jacksonville State 14
As we steadily steam toward the Anti-Game of the Century on November 5th, also known as Kentucky versus Ole Miss, if you're into making comparisons with no real statistical value or factual merit, we know that the 2011 Kentucky Wildcats are better than the 2010 Ole Miss Rebels. That also has no bearing on the game in a few weeks, but I thought I'd mention it because I have nothing else to say here. Though, I will note that Morgan Newton finally made it through a game without throwing an interception.

Arkansas 29, Ole Miss 24
If you wanted to see the most David Lee/Houston Nutt play ever, you got it on Saturday. Second and 10 from their own one yard line, Lee and Nutt dialed up a stretch running play with Jeff Scott. Predictably, Scott was tackled three yards deep in the end zone, turning a one possession game into a two possession game, and the ball went back to Arkansas late in the third quarter. Given the sad state of the Ole Miss offense, which took advantage of a horribly confused Arkansas defense in the first half (seriously, those jet sweeps and swing passes haven't worked ALL YEAR), two possessions weren't going to be overcome in a single quarter and that was the game.

The only difference between this year's Ole Miss team and last year's is that the 2011 version plays hard and appears to care what happens. Unfortunately, they are just not very good and poorly coached, which makes it hard to rant like a lunatic at their shortcomings. Of course, that makes the coaches an easy target for lunatic-speak, but I'm tired of repeating myself and pointing out the obvious that everything needs to burned down and we should start anew in 2012. And if for some reason that doesn't happen, SWEET FANCY MOSES are you going to see a crazy person around here.

Oh, one final note, Ole Miss has now been outscored in the second half of its last two SEC games 57-7. FEEL THE COMPETITIVENESS!

Additional final note, in his post-game press conference, Houston Nutt took issue with a score prediction made by Neal McCready of one of the Ole Miss pay sites. McCready, who writes a weekly prediction column, wrote that Ole Miss would lose to Arkansas 49-10. Within one minute of starting his remarks on the game, a game in which he blew a 17-point lead, a game that marked his 10th straight SEC loss, and a game that saw Ole Miss get outscored 29-7 in the second half, Nutt went after McCready, saying:

"They played real hard. They played harder than that 49-10, right, Neal? One on my players told me. I don't read your stuff; they tell me what you say. One of my freshmen told me that Neal McCready wrote that we were going to get beat 49-10. It wasn't no 49-10."

Aside from Nutt speaking like a dumbass, it's always a good sign when your head coach takes time to address a local reporter's insignificant weekly picks column after getting his ass handed to him for the 10th straight conference game, right? Surely this attacking someone who made, based on previous performances, a pretty solid prediction, is normal practice, right? It would be really embarrassing if a head coach took out his frustrations on a member of the group that has nothing to do with losing 10 straight conference games.

This season, and the Houston Nutt era, can't end soon enough.

LSU 45, Auburn 10
If you spent last year despising every moment of Auburn's season after the Cam Newton news exploded, which is everyone who is not an Auburn fan, the third quarter of this game was probably the happiest moment of 2011 for you. I know it was for me. The weight of LSU's power, speed, and thirst for blood finally came reigning down on Auburn in spectacular fashion, resulting in 21 points in less than three minutes and burying Auburn alive.

Had I not been so lazy and locked into the couch, I might have gotten up and fixed myself a brown water drink to slowly sip while I savored the moment. However, to show that I'm not a total heartless bastard, I did express concern for Auburn's kick returners, as during this scoring run by LSU, I was quite certain one of them was going to get killed. Let this be a lesson to Gene Chizik that he should have cited a "God-thing" as the only reason one of his players was not decapitated.

Vanderbilt 44, Army 21
James Franklin, I like your style of passing just because we haven't done it in a while. You were in the midst of running for 344 yards against Army, yet still chose to throw 27 times with a quarterback who completed 10 passes, and is now 14 of his last 46 pass attempts (23.3%).

Alabama 37, Tennessee 6
For one half, Tennessee put on display the only formula that gives a team a chance to beat Alabama. Load up against the run and force A.J. McCarron make throws. In the first half, he did not, but in the second half he did, which led to the Tennessee defense crumbling in the third quarter.

Missing from Tennessee's version of this formula was a little help from the offense, which offered no relief for its defense in the second half. Interestingly enough, the Vols were able to run the ball right at Alabama in the first half, but at halftime, Nick Saban said NO MORE OF THAT, and that was essentially the end of any positives for the Tennessee offense. No doubt LSU was busy taking some notes during this game while they picked the remains of Auburn out of their teeth.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Zac Stacy, Vanderbilt
21 carries, 198 yards, 3 TDs

First time ever to feature a Vanderbilt player here? I think it might be. If only blogs had existed in 1999 when Greg Zolman threw for 344 yards, two touchdowns, and ran for two more in Vandy's 37-34 overtime win over Ole Miss.

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Matt Simms, Tennessee
8-17, 58 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

I hate to keep picking on him, but Morgan Newton played a I-AA team which limited his ability to suck.

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

James Franklin
A fairly dominant win over Army after a tough loss to Georgia earns Franklin honors here this week. Vandy may always be Vandy, but under Franklin, it looks like they'll have feistiness four or five games a year (excluding Ole Miss; that is a given).

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Aaron Murray 8
3. Morgan Newton 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
6. Larry Smith 5
6. Jordan Rodgers 5
9. Tyler Wilson 3
9. Tyler Russell 3
9. John Brantley 3
9. Matt Simms 3
9. A.J. McCarron 3
9. Randall Mackey 3
15. Tyler Bray 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 3-2
Season: 33-25-1 (.568)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 5-0
Season: 43-17 (.717)

Mr. Blue
Week: 1-4
Season: 33-27 (.550)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-0
Season: 51-9 (.850)

Chris Low
Week: 5-0
Season: 50-10 (.833)

KING OF THE RING
Gray: 41-7
Venkman: 36-12
Poe: 37-11

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Georgia at Florida
Remember when Georgia would regularly lose this game when it meant something on a national scale? Will Mark Richt find a way to lose when the right to be savagely beaten by Alabama or LSU is on the line? Will Todd Grantham do yet another meathead thing? Can Will Muschamp pop an eyeball out of its socket in a rage fit?

Ole Miss at Auburn
Will Houston Nutt attack the sports columnist for the Oxford High School student newspaper for writing "Ole Miss will probably lose this game"? Will Clint Moseley throw his hat into the ring for SEC player of the week honors after facing an Ole Miss defense? Will Gene Chizik cite "God's goodness" for allowing his team to run for 400 yards against the 115th-ranked run defense?

Texas Pete Week Eight Power Poll And Picks

2011-10-21T11:37:00.000-05:00

Nick Saban Would Like Everyone To Stay On Point And They Better Damn Sure Be His Points

2011-10-20T11:23:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week, Nick Saban let his thoughts be known about matters not directly dealing with the Tennessee game (around the 2:30 mark), most notably those involving a team that isn't even a member of the Southeastern Conference yet.

Then, yesterday, during a teleconference, he was asked about three people whose names it's doubtful he knows, who left for jobs elsewhere and how it would impact the Alabama program. Irritated, but with a disciplined irritation, Saban responded that it would not and then said, "I've probably been asked more questions about things I never think about this week than I can ever remember."

Curious as to what these other questions might have been, because surely he doesn't consider just two questions unrelated to the Tennessee game as "more questions about things I never think about this week than I can ever remember," as that would be silly (two questions off-topic? WHAT A CROSS YOU HAVE TO BEAR, COACH.), I went out of my way to find the other questions in the eyes of Nick Saban that were unrelated to his preparation for the Tennessee game. Questions about which not a single shit was given by Saban (NOTE: I did not go out of my way).

-"Coach, talk a little bit about your offensive strategy going into this game."

-"Given the Tennessee secondary is struggling this season, are you looking to get your receivers more involved?"

-"Can you talk about A.J. McCarron's growth so far this season?"

-"Are you pleased with the development of depth at running back?"

-"Can you just mention Trent Richardson once?"

-"What about any offensive player? Can you say something about them?"

-"Do you know anyone on offense?"

-"Can you say the word offense?"

-"WHO IS JIM MCELWAIN?"

/press corps is tear-gassed

A Voyage Inside Nine Straight SEC Losses

2011-10-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

On Saturday, Ole Miss plays Arkansas and, barring the emergence of a competent offense and defense or roughly seven Arkansas turnovers that all get returned for touchdowns, will probably lose. It will mark the 10th straight SEC loss for the Rebels under Houston Nutt. Last Saturday's loss to Alabama made Nutt the first Ole Miss coach in the history of the school to lose nine consecutive SEC games, a seemingly impossible feat when you remember that Ed Orgeron once coached at Ole Miss.

As jarring as nine straight conferences losses is, what's really unsettling is just how uncompetitive Nutt's teams have been during this streak. In the last nine SEC games, Ole Miss has been outscored 346-165, which works out to be an average score of 38.4-18.3. He's lost his last nine SEC games by an average of 20 points. 20! And in those nine games, only two of the games have been lost by fewer than 10 points. I repeat, Ole Miss has been within 10 points at the end of an SEC game in its last nine tries only twice, an eight-point loss to Mississippi State and a seven-point loss to LSU in 2010.

Digging deeper into the numbers, a few other gems of ineptitude to behold during this streak:

-Opponents have scored at least 51 points three times
-Opponents have scored at least 30 points seven times
-Ole Miss has scored 14 points or fewer five times
-Ole Miss has failed to score more than seven points twice
-Alabama has outscored Ole Miss 75-17
-Vanderbilt has outscored Ole Miss 58-21

No, that last one is not a typo. VANDERBILT is averaging beating Ole Miss by 18.5 points a game during this time (29-10.5). That's three possessions, assuming two-point conversions. THREE. TO VANDERBILT. ASSUMING TWO-POINT CONVERSIONS, WHICH WE PROBABLY WOULDN'T MAKE.

And the streak has a real chance of reaching 14. Road games at Auburn and Kentucky follow Arkansas, a home game with LSU is after Kentucky, and the season ends against Mississippi State in Starkville. Of those, Kentucky and State are the only winnable games, but given the Ole Miss defense's complete lack of ability to stop any form, no matter how poor, of a read-option offense, I'm not sure you can consider the State game winnable.

Ed Orgeron was fired because he had no clue how to run a football team. Houston Nutt has now surpassed the failures of Orgeron, producing even less competitive teams, and should meet the same fate as Orgeron at the end of the year, if not sooner. So, in the last month and a half we have left with Nutt, remember these numbers, and those that will surely be added to the totals in the next few weeks, when he mentions back-to-back Cotton Bowl wins on his way out the door. Yes, coach, we did have some good times together, but now, thanks to you, Ed Orgeron can one day look back on his head coaching career and say, well, at least I never made Ole Miss look that bad.

Gene Chizik Breaks Out The Corporate Playbook

2011-10-18T18:10:00.001-05:00

Gene Chizik announced today that backup quarterback Clint Moseley would be replacing Barrett Trotter as starting quarterback this weekend against LSU. You may recall Moseley came on in relief of Trotter this past weekend against Florida and led the Tigers to 10 second half points in their 17-6 win over the Gators. To help him arrive at such a decision, Chizik consulted every corporation's friend, the decision tree.

Click to enormosize

Craig James Has A Word With Tommy Tuberville

2011-10-18T12:02:00.000-05:00

Craig James stopped by Lubbock yesterday to speak with Texas Tech head coach Tommy Tuberville about his son Adam, a wide receiver on the Red Raider team. After stopping by Tuberville's house, James was told the coach wasn't there, but he should probably check the stadium. And so, Craig James descended upon Jones AT&T Stadium:

After finding the second-year coach in his office, the two made small talk about politics and Big 12 realignment before James began the badgering of why his son only caught three passes against Kansas State when Texas Tech quarterback Seth Doege attempted 63 passes. According to James, his son should have caught at least 25 passes.

Tuberville gave him some coach-speak, while assuring James that they'd find a way to get Adam more opportunities. James thanked the coach for his time, then vanished into the Texas wind, but not without leaving everyone with an afternoon bout of sneezing and eye irritation, which also happens to those who watch ESPN Thursday night games.

Quarterback Situation Tire Fires

2011-10-17T16:34:00.000-05:00

As noted by my careful following and tallying of the interceptions thrown by SEC quarterbacks, I get some sort of weird delight out of truly horrible performances by quarterbacks. I don't know when this started, but my best guess is sometime during the 2009 season, as I watched Jevan Snead's impressive march to 20 interceptions in a single year of college football. That, and maybe there's something that happens to a person when they watch the quarterbacks for their team throw 107 combined interceptions from 2004-2010 (15.28 per season; HOW AM I STILL ALIVE?). The pain and rage created by such awful levels of play is all I know, so I get joy out of seeing other teams tasting what I have known for so long.

Luckily for twisted people like myself, this year's stable of SEC quarterbacks has not disappointed in terms of wretched play. Only four teams have manged to avoid a tire fire situation at quarterback (Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, and LSU), and of those four, two are breaking in new starters. Everyone else? It's all burning and going to burn for quite some time.

Let's see just how bad it's been as we take a look at the other eight teams and their quarterback stats in SEC games only. One point of order, Tennessee and Florida were kind of caught between groups, while Tyler Bray has been okay in SEC games, he hasn't been great, and ditto John Brantley. But, now that Bray is out until November-ish and Brantley, who knows, Matt Simms, Jeff Driskel, and Jacoby Brissett land them in the tire fire group.

Auburn
Barrett Trotter
36-73 (49.3%), 372 yards, 4 TD, 4 INT

Ole Miss
Zack Stoudt
22-49 (44.9%), 210 yards, 1 TD, 6 INT

Randall Mackey
15-32 (46.9%), 201 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT

Ole Miss total:
37-81 (45.7%), 411 yards, 2 TD, 8 INT
SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP THAT IS HORRIBLE

Mississippi State
Chris Relf
50-81 (61.7%), 448 yards, 1 TD, 4 INT
Very high completion percentage for him, but that comes out to 5.5 yards per pass, which is not good at all. Randall Mackey, for example, is at 6.28 yards per pass.

Tyler Russell
15-37 (40.5%), 210 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT

Mississippi State total:
65-118 (55%), 658 yards, 2 TD, 7 INT

Florida
John Brantley
33-53 (62.2%), 518 yards, 4 TD, 1 INT

Jeff Driskel
11-27 (40.7%), 89 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT

Jacoby Brissett
13-24 (54.2%), 139 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT

Florida total:
57-104 (54.8%), 746 yards, 5 TD, 5 INT

Tennessee
Tyler Bray
44-81 (54.3%), 539 yards, 3 TD, 2 INT

Matt Simms
10-26 (38.4%), 167 yards, 0 TD, 2 INT

Tennessee total:
54-107 (50.4%), 706 yards, 3 TD, 4 INT

Kentucky
Morgan Newton
26-74 (35.1%), 198 yards, 2 TD, 3 INT
2.67 yards per pass has to be some kind of record for quarterbacking failure.

Vanderbilt
Larry Smith
34-52 (65.4%), 216 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT
Like Relf, his yards per pass is not good, coming in at 4.15.

Jordan Rodgers
20-45 (44.4%), 203 yards, 0 TD, 3 INT

Vanderbilt total:
54-97 (55.7%), 419 yards, 0 TD, 6 INT

South Carolina
Stephen Garcia
36-78 (46.1%), 530 yards, 3 TD, 8 INT

Connor Shaw
47-69 (68.1%), 474 yards, 5 TD, 2 INT

South Carolina total:
83-147 (56.4%), 1,004 yards, 8 TD, 10 INT

That's 9 out of 15 quarterbacks with below a 50% completion rate, and only 3 out of 15 who have more touchdowns than interceptions. Auburn and Florida stand as the only two teams with as many touchdown passes as interceptions (I did not count Kiehl Frazier's or Clint Mosley's stats, as Frazier has only been used as a situational quarterback and Mosley has played a half of one game, but Frazier's picks would take Auburn out of this category).

And all of that above, dear readers, explains why SEC games not involving Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, or Georgia feel like rock fights. Though, the ones with Georgia, despite Aaron Murray's success, still feel like rock fights.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-10-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

GAME RECAPS

South Carolina 14, Mississippi State 12
Thanks to some untimely car mechanics and those responsible for getting the right parts to the mechanics, I spent the hours of this game being told my car would be ready within the hour. I believe I heard that sentence five times before actually getting back my car in its repaired state. So, six hours at the car repair place? NOT GOOD TIMES AT ALL.

However, judging from the text messages I got, I was spared the unpleasantness of having to watch this alleged game of football. And I consider my six-hour shift at the car repair place a blessing, because if I had seen the intentional safety that ruined the cover after watching three and a half hours of crap, I would have wished I was trapped at a car repair place for six hours.

LSU 38, Tennessee 7
Earlier last week, Les Miles said in his press conference that LSU needed two quarterbacks to play because there are certain situations in which Jordan Jefferson makes their offense better. To that I say, WHAT SITUATIONS? The kicking game?

Jordan Jefferson in LSU's version of Enrique Davis. He stinks, has always stunk, and will continue to stink, yet will always continue to play. It doesn't make sense, nor will it ever, but in the minds of the head coaches, not playing them makes no sense.

My favorite sequence from this game was in the second quarter, as LSU took over at the Tennessee 36 after forcing a punt. After a one-yard run by Alfred Blue, the following happened:
-Jarrett Lee pass to Reuben Randle for 12 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 9 yards
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jordan Jefferson sacked for loss of three
-Jordan Jefferson run for 2 yards
-Jarrett Lee touchdown pass to Spencer Ware for 13 yards

Successful play, followed by four plays to totally disrupt the rhythm of the offense, and one final successful play when LSU remembered, oh, right, we should probably score here. Oh, how I wish my team had enough good players and fortune to run this line of bullshit out every week and still be successful.

Alabama 52, Ole Miss 7
It jumped up a bit in the third quarter didn't it? I mean, that really got out of hand fast. Trent Richardson killed a guy. Perhaps with a trident. And though the Ole Miss defense offered little to no resistance, I'd like to remind everyone, including Alabama, that the Crimson Tide's 615 yards of total offense fell 46 yards short of the 661 passing yards the 2003 Ole Miss defense allowed to Mike Leach's Texas Tech team. SO SUCK ON THAT. No total yardage national championship for you!

One of the only good parts about Ole Miss being so bad is that it's really hard to get fully invested emotionally in games. Of course I was thrilled with how well the opening drive of the game went, even wondering if I had been asleep for 20 years and woke up in 2031 with an Ole Miss team taking it to Alabama, but I knew the good times weren't going to last. So, very rarely do I get extremely angry during these games. But, it happened twice in this game and both times involved Enrique Davis.

The first:
This one alone should be a fireable offense. Alabama takes a 17-7 lead with less than 90 seconds to play until halftime. Ole Miss responds with a great kickoff return to the Alabama 38 with 1:14 remaining. One timeout left, the crowd is alive, a momentum swing has occurred, so what play do we dial up? A RUN WITH ENRIQUE DAVIS, who had two carries total before that play. No scoring took place on that drive.

The second:
Fourth quarter, garbage time, a fourth and goal from the Alabama one, and a chance to take something positive out of an all-out ass-kicking. Who gets the ball? Our worst short-yardage back on the team, ENRIQUE DAVIS. In typical fashion, he also lost a yard, bringing his totals for the day to seven carries for minus three yards. Can't wait until he gets 10 carries next week.

Look, I don't hate Enrique Davis. I think he is a bad football player, but it's not his fault he keeps inexplicably playing. No player is ever going to tell a coach, don't play me, I'm not good enough. They all want to play. So when I'm ranting like a lunatic about Davis playing, my anger is directed at Houston Nutt. Only God knows why Houston Nutt continues to play Davis, and even He probably doesn't understand why.

Auburn 17, Florida 6
Easily one of the most awful games of the year. Just complete and total offensive incompetency. The two questions I have coming out of this game are, can Urban Meyer really recruit, and has Gus Malzahn been solved or are Auburn's quarterbacks so bad there's nothing he can do.

First, the Urban Meyer question. The majority of the guys on the field for Florida are Meyer recruits. They have no receivers, no quarterback, and no running back that can run inside. Meyer won his national championship with Ron Zook's defensive line and offensive skill players. After that, he had Tebow (his recruit) and more Zook talent, mixed with a few of his guys. Florida wasn't good last year, and they're certainly not good this year, even with John Brantley. I'm just thinking out loud here, but maybe Penn State and Ohio State should tap the breaks for a second in their alleged pursuit of Meyer.

As for Malzahn, hey, that Cam Newton was pretty amazing, no? Malzahn's system, like all systems, looks much better when a Cam Newton is running the show, but even it doesn't appear to be immune from being rendered ineffective when it has no quarterback. Barrett Trotter is awful. Clint Mosley, while looking better than Trotter, only looked better than Trotter, which is the only nice thing I can think to say. And the lesson to be learned here is, even Gus Malzahn needs Trooper Taylor and his bags full of money.

Speaking of Trooper, this is just one of many reasons why everyone hates him.

Georgia 33, Vanderbilt 28
Everyone keeps mentioning how Mark Richt must have done something right with the right entity because his each of his main competitors in the SEC East has sustained at least one crushing injury. South Carolina has lost Garcia to removal from the team and Marcus Lattimore to an awful knee injury, Tennessee saw Tyler Bray and Justin Hunter go down with injuries, and Florida is missing Jeff Demps and John Brantley, who, while not an exceptional player, at least gave the Gators a chance to overcome the pile of suck in the East.

I can see how those could be considered breaks for Richt and Georgia, and they are, at least in the short term, but I consider them long-term breaks for the rest of us. Most likely, Georgia will win nine, possibly ten games this season, and if South Carolina loses once more, they move into first in the East. If that happens, Richt's employment at Georgia will continue. He'll stay there and prevent Georgia from becoming the 800-pound gorilla program it should be, which is good news for the other 11 teams in the SEC (you don't count yet, Texas A&M).

Instead of presenting a challenge to LSU and Alabama, he be running a program that can always win nine or ten games, beat no one of significance, and have his jackass defensive coordinator nearly come to blows with the head coach of a horrible Vanderbilt team.

(via)

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Trent Richardson, Alabama
17 carries, 183 yards, 4 TDs

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Matt Simms
6-20, 128 yards, 0 TDs, 2 INT

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Gene Chizik
That he stopped himself from jumping off the top of the stadium both at halftime and after the game is the sole reason for giving him the nod here.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 7
2. Aaron Murray 7
4. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
6. Larry Smith 5
8. Tyler Wilson 3
8. Tyler Russell 3
10. John Brantley 3
10. Tyler Bray 2
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Matt Simms 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 3-2
Season: 30-23-1 (.564)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 4-1
Season: 38-17 (.690)

Mr. Blue
Week: 3-2
Season: 32-23 (.552)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-0
Season: 46-9 (.836)

Chris Low
Week: 4-1
Season: 45-10 (.818)

KING OF THE RING
Gray 37-5
Venkman 33-9
Poe 36-6

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Auburn at LSU
Barrett Trotter? Clint Mosley? Does it matter? Will Trooper Taylor wave his towel in Mike the Tiger's face? Will Mike the Tiger eat Trooper Taylor?

Tennessee at Alabama
Can Matt Simms double his interception total of two? Can he triple it? Will Trent Richardson have another run that serves as a not-so-casual reminder that he's the best running back in the country?

Texas Pete Week Seven Power Poll And Picks

2011-10-14T15:39:00.000-05:00

Gene Chizik Dance Party

2011-10-13T17:48:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the NCAA announced that it was ending its investigation of Auburn's recruitment of Cam Newton. Citing that no one has been wronged enough by Auburn to start talking for purposes of revenge, the organization said no firm proof of payment for playing services was found, and they considered the matter closed, unless further evidence was provided.

You kinda have to admire Auburn's ability to pull this off. They kept the circle tight, took care of those within the circle, paid in cash, and kept no physical records of anything. All of that sounds easy, but you have to remember people are dumb (VERY dumb), become even dumber when money is involved, and everyone who thinks they're someone always wants to be in the know. Auburn kept it all in check and didn't allow it to spiral out of control like it so easily can (for example, watch the ESPN documentary Pony Excess and see what happens when too many people know what's going on and want to be taken care of for their contribution to the program).

So, for now at least, Auburn is in the clear and Gene Chizik can finally stop shouting "THAT'S GARBAGE," and get down to what he and the fellas wanted to do all along: JUST DANCE.

Click to enormosize

Reactions to the End of the Stephen Garcia Era

2011-10-12T14:23:00.001-05:00

Last May, when the return of Stephen Garcia from his fifth suspension was imminent, we sought the reactions of the coaches of the teams South Carolina would play in 2011. Given Garcia's final departure from the South Carolina team, it's only fitting we ask the coaches whose teams will now play a Stephen Garcia-less Gamecock team for their thoughs, as well as get some reactions from around the SEC.

Dan Mullen

"I COACHED TWO FIRST-ROUND DRAFT PICKS, ONE OF WHICH WAS THE TIM TEBOW. WHAT ABOUT YOURS, STEVE?"

Derek Dooley

"Please send help. Team now led by Matt Simms. Will not last long. Goodwill supply slowly dwindling."

Bobby Petrino

"It's a shame about that positive alcohol and marijuana test. Funny how just about anyone can get into those labs for the right price."

Will Muschamp

"I'M PRETTY SURE I HATED HIM ANYWAY. I TEND TO HATE EVERYTHING."

"BOOM!!!"

Kevin Higgins

"Seriously, guys, I can't stop staring at solar eclipses."

Dabo Swinney

"If you pump your arms really high while running, it feels like you're running at an incredible rate of speed. Also, DEATH VALLEY, BABY!!! WWWWHEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!"

Nick Saban

"Oh, hello there. What's that? Stephen Garcia? No, no. I never think of his 9 for 10, 3 TD first half against us last year. I've completely forgotten it. Yes, sir. Completely forgotten it."

/stares into his own soul
/secures commitments from 17 five-star recruits

Houston Nutt

"Stephen, buddy, you've got my number. We'll figure out the eligibility stuff. You know, waivers and things. We'll figure it out. Just give me a call. Here to help."

Les Miles

"Certainly, there is a piece that yearns for things to be as a whole part. We all learn parts that can be insufficiently sufficient and need greater correction as we move on. These are lessons we teach our young men and I hope they see to it that they, in turn, find places in their lives for what greatness teaches and commands of those who want to be a part of what is very special to those who care about us as individuals."

James Franklin

"Did you know we beat Ole Miss 30-7 this year? I know! You should look it up."

Gene Chizik

"3-0 against him. Deal with it."

Mark Richt

"Now, Aaron, don't you go out and get caught up in that kind of lifestyle. We love you just the way you are. And for the love of all things good and decent, do NOT get a scooter."

Joker Phillips

(sad trombone)

Steve Spurrier

Vaya Con Dios, Stephen Garcia

2011-10-11T17:29:00.000-05:00

(click to enormosize)

(click to enormosize)

And so it ends. Stephen Garcia is no longer confined to his cage of structure known as South Carolina football. He is free. And so is Steve Spurrier. All it took was five suspensions, a failed alcohol/drug test, and one Connor Shaw 300-yard, four-touchdown passing game.

So join me in honoring one of my favorite players to ever wear a college football uniform, and the greatest of all the South Carolina Gamecocks. Pick up a torch and whatever you want to break, and let's burn it all down.

Exploring the Space of Offensive Stink

2011-10-11T13:04:00.001-05:00

Yesterady, Kentucky beat writer Kyle Tucker waded neck-deep into the abyss of suck that is Kentucky's offense to explore just how bad the Wildcats' offense has been this season. He looked at every play Kentucky has run so far and tried to determine how many of them were "bad" plays, which he defined as plays that gained zero yards, lost yards, or resulted in a turnover, or "good" plays, which gained yardage. Incredibly, 46.2% of the Wildcats' 377 offensive plays fall into one of those three categories.

Because I have deep, dark obsession with offensive incompetency, I decided to find out how my team fared in good play/bad play percentages. One slight change I made to his classifications of a bad play is that I added penalties, which not only lose yards, but ruin some of the few good plays a bad offense makes. I was not as detailed in my research as Tucker was, mainly because I HAVE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO, and just have plays listed as good or bad, not detailing no gain/loss/turnover/penalty.

Also, I have no doubt I screwed up the count by one or two, but what good non-scientific research doesn't. Additional also, I did not count the Southern Illinois game.

BYU
Good plays: 34
Bad plays: 26
Bad play %: 43.3%

Vanderbilt
Good plays: 35
Bad plays: 31 (seems WAY WAY WAY too low)
Bad play %: 46.9%

UGA
Good plays: 26
Bad plays: 30
Bad play %: 53.6%

Fresno State
Good plays: 39
Bad plays: 23
Bad play %: 37%

Season
Good plays: 134
Bad plays: 110
Bad play %: 45.1%

Look at that! Right behind Kentucky!

/drinks all the beers

If not for the Fresno State defense, our bad play % would be 47.8%, passing Kentucky for the lead. SHOULD HAVE SCHEDULED A WAC SCHOOL, KENTUCKY. And, because I had some time between the important things I do, I calculated that Alabama, Ole Miss' opponent this weekend, is causing teams to have bad plays 49.4% of the time. By the chaos math theories to which I subscribe, that means Ole Miss will have a bad play 94.5% of the time on Saturday.

/94.5% actually happens
/dubbed "genius of math"
/wins Fields Medal
/exposes building janitor to the world of chaos math
/gets janitor high-paying job
/janitor repays favor by ignoring job and leaving for California
/Houston Nutt is fired

Some Perspective on -20 Rushing Yards

2011-10-10T16:56:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, Tennessee amassed -20 yards rushing on 23 attempts in an entire game of football. The following is a list of things with greater numerical value than -20.

-Teams ranked ahead of Tennessee in rushing offense (113)

-Matt Simms rushing touchdowns on Saturday (1)

-Morgan Newton completions on Saturday (4)

-Barrett Trotter completions on Saturday (6)

-Average weight in pounds of a newborn baby (7.5)

-Number of Tyler Bray broken thumbs (1)

-Memphis rushing yards against Rice (70)

-Steve Spurrier daydreams in last hour of landing a 9-iron at 132 yards within three feet of the pin (8)

-LSU punter taunting penalties (1)

-Fahrenheit temperature in Fairbanks, Alaska (38)

-Kiehl Frazier passes to his team on Saturday (2)

-Kiehl Frazier passes to the other team on Saturday (2)

-Points from Gray's fantasy football defense Sunday (-2)

-Dumb things said by Chris Rainey today (1)
"I felt we was better than them (LSU and Alabama)."

-Dumb things said by Memphis AD R.C. Johnson today (1)
"Ultimately we would like to be in the SEC. That's where we think we belong geographically. We think we deserve to be."

-Members of Guns N' Roses still in Guns N' Roses from the Use Your Illusion days (2)
(I just know Axl is going to screw up the upcoming US tour.)

-Nick Saban laughs in past 24 hours (-19)

-Nick Saban chuckle-snorts in past 24 hours (-14)

-Nick Saban smirks in past 24 hours; sarcastic or amused (eleventy sarcastic, 0 amused)

-Bobby Petrino smirks in past 24 hours; sarcastic or amused (one less than Nick Saban; 0 amused)
/Sarcastic Smirk National Championship for Alabama
/print the shirts
/Roll Tide

One thing -20 rushing yards did beat:

-Number of real good times had while watching the Pitbull Dr. Pepper commercial (-4.8 billion)

BURN IN A FIRE, DR. PEPPER.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-10-10T09:11:00.000-05:00

GAME RECAPS

Mississippi State 21, UAB 3
Who doesn't enjoy a good quarterback controversy?!?!? Especially one that doesn't involve Houston Nutt and a transfer quarterback (You stay away, Garrett Gilbert. STAY AWAY.). In the red corner, we have Chris Relf. Senior starter, good athlete, poor passer. In the blue corner, we have Tyler Russell. Backup, average athlete, better passer than Relf. Relf did nothing against a UAB defense that surrendered 49 points to Tulane a few weeks ago, and Russell put 21 points on the board, while looking like he knew what he was doing.

If Dan Mullen wants to run his read-option-based offense, Relf is the only guy who can operate it as Mullen wants due to his ability to run. If Mullen wants to play Russell, he'll have to alter the offense in a more conventional direction to suit Russell's abilities. Against UAB, it didn't matter that there were no significant changes with Russell in there. Against South Carolina, it will matter. Of course, if the offensive line doesn't reach a rating of average, it won't matter who plays or what style of offense they run.

South Carolina 54, Kentucky 3
Step aside, Ole Miss, we have a new worst team in the conference! Morgan Newton completed passes: Four. Kentucky turnovers: Six. Truly a great moment when a Division I quarterback attempts 20 passes and completes four (20%!). And let this sink in as well, South Carolina had 543 more yards of total offense than Kentucky (639-96). 543! Not even Ed Orgeron-led teams were skulldrug this badly.

At least we know what Joker Phillips and Houston Nutt will talk about before the game on November 5th. Other employment opportunities.

LSU 41, Florida 10
Of course it worked out this way. Someone finally gets hit with the horrible taunting penalty that takes away a touchdown and it doesn't affect the outcome of the game. I wanted the first instance of this rule to cost someone a game, creating a firestorm of fan wailing and gnashing of teeth, as well as media indignation and sentences like "the kids are just out there having fun." Now, this still may happen, it's most likely how Ole Miss will lose to Kentucky, but it would have been infinitely more special to have had that happen the first time the rule is applied.

What did make this one special was that a punter was the first player flagged for celebrating going into the end zone.

A punter who was in the middle of running a 52-yard touchdown on a fake punt. Untouched. I rewound the play several times and I think the lead blocker for the punter ran close to 40 yards before he even had to block someone. Will Muschamp reacted not with bulging veins and hate-terror pouring out of his eyes, but in a dangerously more psychotic way:

Arkansas 38, Auburn 14
Well, I think we know why Auburn was so hesitant to let Kiehl Frazier (seriously, parents, "Kyle" didn't do it for you?) to throw. Because he can't. Two interceptions in four pass attempts that were horrible decisions. To make matters worse, Barrett Trotter looked like Kiehl Frazier had he been allowed to throw 19 times (minus the interceptions). Trotter was a miserable 6 of 19 for 81 yards and killed any chance Auburn had at keeping up with Arkansas' offense, which surgically sliced apart Ted Roof's defense.

The good news for Auburn is that, even though they gave up 438 yards to Arkansas, that's about 150 fewer than I thought they'd give up. In the words of Herm Edwards, THEY CAN BUILD ON THIS.

Alabama 34, Vanderbilt 0
Nick Saban would like to apologize to conservative offenses everywhere. Allowing his quarterback to throw four touchdowns is an embarrassment to the conservative institution, and shines an unnecessary light on the offensive side of the ball, taking away from the glory of the defensive side. He promises it will never happen again and already has developed plans to have at least one quarter against Ole Miss free from passes.

Georgia 20, Tennessee 12
Even though Tennessee had -20 yards rushing for the game, the real joy of the game came from this:

It took every ounce of willpower Mark Richt had to not call for Aaron Murray to take a knee and instead run a one-percent more risky off-tackle play.

And tough news for Tennessee coming out of this game. Tyler Bray hit his throwing hand on a Georgia player's helmet and broke his thumb. He's out for six weeks, which, while awful for him and Tennessee, is great news for everyone else because we get to see Matt Simms play quarterback again. Good times are sure to follow, mainly because Phil Simms will have more opportunities to fight people who say his son is not a very good quarterback.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

A.J. McCarron, Alabama
23-30, 237 yards, 4 TDs, 0 INT

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Morgan Newton, Kentucky
4-20, 17 yards, 0 TDs, 1 INT

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Mark Richt
It hasn't looked pretty, but Richt has his team at 3-1 in conference play and is one South Carolina slip-up from taking over the lead in the SEC East. GOOD LORD THE SEC EAST IS HORRIBLE.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 7
3. Zack Stoudt 6
3. Aaron Murray 6
3. Barrett Trotter 6
6. Chris Relf 5
7. Larry Smith 3
7. Tyler Wilson 3
7. John Brantley 3
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Tyler Bray 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 5-1
Season: 27-21-1 (.561)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 3-3
Season: 34-16 (.680)

Mr. Blue
Week: 2-4
Season: 29-21 (.580)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-1
Season: 41-9 (.820)

Chris Low
Week: 6-0
Season: 41-9 (.820)

KING OF THE RING
Mountain West Edition
Gray: 32-5
Venkman: 29-8
Poe: 32-5

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
South Carolina at Mississippi State
Tyler Russell or Chris Relf? The return of Stephen Garcia? The re-return of Connor Shaw? A touchdown for the ballboy just because? Andre Ware talking for three and a half hours without saying one insightful thing?

Florida at Auburn
Which side will produce the more worthless quarterback play? Will both teams combine for 150 rushing attempts? Is this the game Will Muschamp pops an eyeball out of its socket?

Texas Pete Week Six Power Poll And Picks

2011-10-07T11:11:00.001-05:00

Breaking Down Enrique Davis' Move to Spur

2011-10-06T18:13:00.004-05:00

As mention in the previous post, Houston Nutt's infatuation with below-average running back Enrique Davis has reached dizzying heights, as Davis has gotten some practice time on the defensive side of the ball at the Spur position, which is a linebacker/safety hybrid spot in the 4-2-5 defensive alignment. Now, for even the casual fan, this move seems odd. After all, Davis hasn't played on the defensive side of the ball since at least high school (I have no recollection if he did or not; any Meridian people know?) and has spent the last four years learning the intricacies of nothing but the running back position (allegedly).

So how is this move even possible this late in the game? Becoming even a serviceable linebacker or safety takes years of experience and preparation, assuming one doesn't have Tyrann Mathieu Honey Badger-like athletic ability and instincts (and Davis does not). Fortunately for Davis, Ole Miss coaches are keeping things simple for him. As you'll see below, they've told him to pretty much mimic what he does best as a running back: run to the area where a guard is and collide with whatever is there.

Though I'm using the Titans as an example, Ole Miss uses this single-back formation or a variation of it quite often. Davis is circled, and where he is going to run is illustrated with the arrow.

(click to be able to see)
Right into the guard's ass. If the guard isn't there, that's positive yardage. If he is, loss of one or no gain.

Here's a single-back formation with three receivers, or as David Lee calls it, "cuttin' it loose." Again, Davis is circled, and the arrow illustrates his action.

Again, right at the guard.

Now, they've taken those plays on offense and applied it to his new defensive position. Using the same shots from above, here he is lined up against what will most likely be a running play.

Straight at the guard. If the guard doesn't block him or is gone, he maybe makes the tackle. If the guard is there, no tackle for Davis.

And here he is defending a pass-friendly formation.

No help in coverage necessary. Just get to where the guard is and hope he's moved.

So if everything goes perfectly according to chance, Davis may make one or two plays by running, then stutter-stepping, then trying to run again to the guard's spot. If not, hey, it's only a game, right? We'll just take him out and put in the more qualified player we took out in the first place. SOUNDS LIKE A WINNER, COACH.

And then this just happened:

Based on Houston Nutt's behavioral pattern, Davis will be starting at middle linebacker for the Alabama game.

Houston Nutt's Synapses Operate in a World of Chaos

2011-10-06T11:53:00.000-05:00

In today's Clarion-Ledger, there is an article about changes to recruiting rules for the elaborate junior college system in Mississippi. One of the poorest states in the nation, Mississippi is home to 15 junior colleges (as well as EIGHT public universities; no, it's not you, this makes no sense), 14 of which also have football programs in what is considered one of the best, if not the best, junior college football leagues in the country.

As a result, many a good player has come from one of these Mississippi JUCOS, making it a regular recruiting destination for D-I schools. However, that may change with a set of new rules recently passed by the presidents of the JUCOS. Not to wade neck-deep in rules no one cares about until one of your school's recruits can't get into your school, but essentially, it's going to be harder for out-of-state players to get into Mississippi JUCOS and protected areas, which allowed only one JUCO to recruit in that area, are now gone.

Some JUCO coaches are upset because the "community" aspect for each school is in danger of going away, and the costs of recruiting will most likely go up. Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen expressed concern over the loss of so many out-of-state scholarships (106 in total each year), and Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt, as usual, was concerned about the kids he so badly wants to help.

Mainly, he doesn't want a high school kid being flooded with extra calls, now that more JUCOS can recruit him with the end of protected areas. How I wish my brain rattled off something like this:

"Now that same young man is going to have to take 16, 17, 25, 30 calls from junior colleges plus Division I," Nutt said. "That part is a real headache."

That list of numbers moved in increments of one, eight, and five. Had he kept going, I feel confident he would have inadvertently begun the Fibonacci sequence. That kind of scatter-brain might cause one to play a running back at a safety/linebacker hybrid position five games into a season, with that player not having played defense since maybe high school, and has never shown the type of lateral movement and quickness needed to play such a position.

Oh, what's that? It did cause him to do that? WHAT KIND OF SPELL HAS ENRIQUE DAVIS CAST ON HOUSTON NUTT?

The Parable Of This Isn't Going To Be Fair

2011-10-05T14:48:00.000-05:00

Les Miles set out to build a roaring campfire. Unfortunately, after his bundle of dry wood coated in napalm kicked someone in the head, it was taken from him by the park rangers. Stuck with a stack of wet wood for which there is seemingly no use, Coach Miles conjures his voodoo-ish powers and behold, the stack of wet wood manages to produce an excellent campfire.

Warm and providing excellent light, as well as mood for storytelling, Miles' campfire is one of the best in the entire park. In fact, people from other campsites stop by just to admire what a great creation this is, especially when told how the success of the fire was in great doubt in the beginning. This pleases Miles tremendously.

As the fire continues to burn brightly, the park ranger returns, carrying the bundle of napalm-coated dry wood with him. He tells Miles that the bundle of wood may have kicked someone in the head, but the evidence isn't overwhelming, and Miles is now free to use the wood.

Everyone around him suggests that he only use the napalm wood if something happens to the fire. Miles agrees in the beginning, but soon decides he's going to dump it all in the fire. In the hands of any other coach, such an action would result in this:

But because he is Les Miles, it will result in this:

The lesson is, expect Jordan Jefferson to win the SEC Championship Game MVP.

Steve Spurrier Tries To Move On

2011-10-04T12:23:00.000-05:00

On Monday, South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier announced that backup quarterback Connor Shaw would be starting Saturday's game against Kentucky.

"This is his game. It's his opportunity to go play and we think he's ready," Spurrier said. "We're going to find out Saturday."

Spurrier even went as far as saying that unless Shaw got hurt, he would not play Stephen Garcia. Obviously, this is a sad time in all of our lives, as this very well could mark the end of our experience of watching Garcia torment Spurrier with inaccurate throws, questionable decisions, horrible decisions, and visor and playsheet-throwing decisions. At least, that's what Spurrier wants us to believe.

But we all know there's not a chance in hell this is the end of Stephen Garcia at South Carolina. If Spurrier believed in Connor Shaw even half a percent, Garcia never gets the chance to come back after his pre-partying for the team life skills seminar incident. Spurrier, to steal a line from that buddy comedy about two cowboys in Wyoming, can't quit Garcia. In fact, we all know how this is gonna go down:

(Click them all enormosize.)

Inside the Mind of Jeff Driskel

2011-10-03T12:36:00.000-05:00

When Florida true freshman quarterback Jeff Driskel enrolled in school in January of this year, the plan was to serve as John Brantley's backup for one season, occasionally making a few garbage time appearances, then have a shot to become the starter in 2012. He was anointed the backup because, while talented, he was the only other quarterback on the roster who fit the pro-style quarterback mold offensive coordinator Charlie Weis wanted.

That plan collapsed on Saturday night when Brantley was injured late in the second quarter. Instead of cheering and enjoying the show, Driskel was called into duty against one of the best and most violent defenses in college football. Here are the events of that night as they unfolded in his mind.

"Oh, hey, wow! It worked! Great throw, John! This is exactly the kind of start we needed."

"Way to go, Andre! Man, this is so much fun! We might actually win this thing!"

"Wow, Coach Muschamp is INTENSE. By my count, I think he has seven jugular veins."

"Uh oh. This isn't good. Get up, John. Please get up. Please, please, please please."

"Shit."

At halftime, Brantley is ruled out for the rest of the game. Driskel takes over as the quarterback in the third quarter.

"Okay, here we go. Be cool, be cool. Just like any other play in practice. Make your reads. Get the ball out."

"Oh boy. They're already here. That was astonishingly fast. Did we even block on this play? Am I even running the right play? Why can I see nothing but white jerseys? AM I ALL ALONE OUT HERE?"

"Oh, hey, wow, look at me go! I'm so free! Haha! This is actually kind of fun! WHO CAN CATCH ME NOW?"

"Oh, hell. They caught up fast. So this is how it all ends? My broken ribs piercing every major internal organ. I hope I remembered to tell everyone I loved them."

"The white light. It's so, so bright. And warm. Take me with you, white light."

"Hey, I'm alive! Great news! Your restrained abuse is greatly appreciated, sirs. I consider it a privilege to have gotten to know all of you so intimately. Now, who has a kidney they don't need anymore?"

From The Weekend That Was

2011-10-03T09:08:00.000-05:00

GAME RECAPS

Arkansas 42, Texas A&M 38
At the rate he's coughing up games, I hope Mike Sherman is around for Texas A&M's first year in the SEC. Again, not because I like Sherman, but because I like watching him butcher coaching decisions and, eventually, entire games.

Observe: Leading 35-20 in the third quarter, A&M faces a fourth and two from the Arkansas 39. A&M at this point is averaging about 52 yards a carry (by my admittedly rough estimation). What do they do? They do the "try to draw the defense offsides" trick, take a delay of game, and finally punt the ball 19 yards. And in the beginning of the fourth quarter, leading 35-27, the Aggies face a fourth and one from essentially midfield. Don't even think about going for it and punt. Both times, Arkansas took the ball straight down the field and scored. YOUR CONFIDENCE IS CONTAGIOUS, MIKE.

I have to watch Houston Nutt and David Lee run an offense for seven more games, and even I feel sorry for people at the mercy of Mike Sherman decision-making. I mentioned this on Twitter, but no one will judge you, Texas A&M fans, if you begin drinking bleach before and during your games.

Georgia 24, Mississippi State 10
Even though it was not an officially sanctioned Jefferson Pilot game, this game met all the qualifications:

-Soul-numbingly early start time? Check.
-Dead crowd? Check.
-Horribly boring? Check
-Offensive ineptitude? Check.
-Buffet of turnovers? Check.
-Terrible coaching? Check.

If Mark Richt and Mike Sherman ever have to face one another, it will be classified in your TV guide as a comedy. A TRAGIC COMEDY. I cannot fathom having the patience to watch both of those guys coach 12 full games, considering the talent they have at their disposal. It's like injecting yourself with black tar AGONY each week for three months.

And let's go ahead and press the break pedal down on Dan Mullen getting his choice of jobs next year. The only damage State inflicted on this mediocre Georgia team was to the hedges surrounding the field:

Let's hope Nickoe Whitley's urine contains no Spike 80DF.

LSU 35, Kentucky 7
You go straight to hell, Kentucky. You and your backdoor cover. I hate all of you. Also, Ole Miss fans, if you're wondering how our game against LSU is going to go, watch this game again.

Tennessee 41, Buffalo 10
A rough weekend for the city of Buffalo. A team no one in the city knows about gets smashed at Tennessee, and the Bills, led by former Harvard quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick (copyright: All of the sportswriters and TV people), lose to the Bengals. And I'm sure next week, it'll be 25-degrees and snowing.

Auburn 16, South Carolina 13
Auburn's best offensive player gets 41 carries. South Carolina's best offensive player gets 17 carries.

That's 20 fewer carries than Marcus Lattimore got against Navy when nothing else was on offense was working for South Carolina. Why Spurrier chose to preserve Lattimore here against one of the West teams South Carolina should beat, especially at home, again:

What has to be killing Spurrier is that he knows if gets average out of Stephen Garcia, he goes back to Atlanta. He's got a defense that can get him there, but a quarterback that could help send Florida or Tennessee to Atlanta. If only Ted Roof could coach a defense against Stephen Garcia every week. He'd be considered a defensive genius.

Alabama 38, Florida 10
Though I have an eternal flame of hate reserved for Alabama, I get a confusing amount of joy from watching this defense play. They're big, fast, strong, and know what the hell they're supposed to be doing. And I suppose that anyone who truly enjoys sports has to get some degree of pleasure out of seeing incredibly gifted athletes play at such a high level of effectiveness.

/remembers we play them in two weeks
/sets world record for distance in projectile vomiting

It's never a good sign when your backup quarterback is your leading rusher with 16 yards, but it is a good sign of quality entertainment whenever Coach Boom got some face time and dropped every variation ever created of f-bombs. And if one could be found guilty of murdering someone with their eyes, Muschamp would currently be serving 438 consecutive life sentences.

Ole Miss 38, Fresno State 28
For the guys who continued to play hard when their coaches gave them no reason to, I am happy for them that they finally get to celebrate a win. Yes, Fresno State stinks, but getting a brief rest from the river of shit they've been swimming in is well-deserved. They've got seven more games and only two of which (Kentucky and Louisiana Tech) they have a real chance of winning, so here's to hoping they enjoy it.

And hey, it only took an entire spring, summer, fall practice, and five games, but I think Houston Nutt finally decided on a quarterback. Now everything is all downhill from here. But even more exciting that that, Enrique Davis, who has missed three games and isn't good, made an appearance with nine and half minutes to go, and Ole Miss was losing by one. He got in two plays, then didn't play again.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Jarius Wright, Arkansas
13 receptions, 281 yards, 2 TDs

Tyler Wilson, Arkansas
30-51, 510 yards, 3 TDs

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Stephen Garcia, South Carolina
9-23, 160 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Nick Saban
Though we knew his team was the superior team going into the game, he missed not a beat after Florida's fast start, settling his team in and proceeding to pound the hell out of the Gators.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 9
2. Morgan Newton 6
2. Zack Stoudt 6
2. Aaron Murray 6
5. Barrett Trotter 5
5. Chris Relf 5
7. Larry Smith 3
7. Tyler Wilson 3
7. John Brantley 3
10. A.J. McCarron 2
10. Tyler Bray 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-3
Season: 22-20-1 (.523)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 4-3
Season: 33-21 (.733)

Mr. Blue
Week: 5-2
Season: 27-17 (.613)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 5-2
Season: 36-8 (.818)

Chris Low
Week: 4-3
Season: 35-9 (.795)

KING OF THE RING
Gray 27-5
Venkman 24-8
Poe 27-5

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Florida at LSU
Will Jeff Driskel lead Florida in rushing again? Will Coach Boom choke the air out of everyone within three feet of him? Will the Honey Badger smear Driskel into the grass, pick up the pieces, plus the ball, and walk into the end zone?

Georgia at Tennessee
Who will be the team to put pressure on South Carolina? Will defensive backs finally catch passes from Tyler Bray that should be intercepted? How many fourth and ones will Mark Richt NOT go for?

Week Five Power Poll And Picks

2011-09-30T11:35:00.002-05:00

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Stephen Garcia
Dave Rowe: "You know one play Steve Spurrier will never run with Stephen Garcia? The quarterback sneak. It's the worst play in football!"

2. John Brantley
Joe Lee Dunn: "Reminds me of a quarterback that used to play at Mississippi State. Todd Jordan. That is not a compliment."

3. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "The Ball Coach really has his offense flying now!"

4. Will Muschamp
Replay official: "Has he murdered someone on the sideline yet? I'd like to review the video in the trial."

5. A.J. McCarron
Dave Rowe: "Nick Saban has found what he's been looking for all season. A real play-maker!"

6. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "Seriously. Give me seven linebackers, three safeties, and a big ol' defensive tackle and I can stop this shit right in its tracks."

7. Les Miles
Joe Lee Dunn: "Ever try to figure out why a five-year old is distracted by shiny objects? Can't be done."

8. Alshon Jeffery
Dave Rowe: "What a big man! Lucky for him he has such a talented quarterback in Stephen Garcia to get him the ball!"

9. Connor Shaw
Joe Lee Dunn: "We had a quarterback like him when I was at Ole Miss. Tom Luke. Also not a compliment."

10. Mark Richt
Dave Rowe: "Georgia fans are so lucky to have a coach of Mark Richt's caliber leading their program!"

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 18-17-1 (.513)

Texas A&M at Arkansas (+3) (at that big thing near the Dallas airport)
Texas A&M's collapse against Oklahoma State gave me even further assurance Mike Sherman is going to be one of my favorite coaches to make fun of when the Aggies join the SEC next season. Leading 20-3 at the end of the second quarter, Sherman's team left the third quarter trailing 24-20, and possessed the aggressiveness and mental fortitude of a turtle surrounded by children.

Much like Oklahoma State in the second half, Arkansas should be able to move the ball with ease on the Aggies, and only needs to get something out of its defense, which apparently will be the storyline of every Arkansas game under Bobby Petrino. I'll have three points and the Hogs.

Mississippi State at Georgia (-6.5)
Good news for State fans, you're not playing an SEC West team not named Ole Miss, so your chances of winning jump exponentially. Bad news for State fans is that Chris Relf no longer resembles a confident quarterback, and as Dan Mullen proved at the end of regulation in the Louisiana Tech game, he too has no confidence in Relf to lead any drive requiring passes of over five yards.

Meanwhile, Georgia is brimming with the kind of confidence that comes from not being able to put away a horrid Ole Miss team. This kind of battle reeks of Jefferson Pilot, yet Dave and the boys decided to go with LSU/Kentucky. POOR CHOICE. Thankfully though, the good people at Georgia decided to make this an 11 AM (CDT) kickoff just because. So, while not on JP, it will certainly have the feel of a JP game. Well done, University of Georgia. UGA to cover.

Kentucky at LSU (-30.5)
After being certain Kentucky could keep it within 20 against Florida, I watched the first 15 minutes of the game and realized what a fool I was. Kentucky/Ole Miss is going to be one of the greatest bad games of our time. If Starship's "We Built This City" was a college football game, it would be the Kentucky/Ole Miss game. LSU to cover.

Buffalo at Tennessee (-28.5)
Praise little tiny baby Jesus we have no 16-team playoff in college football. It would certainly damage the value of the regular season and deprive us of games like this. Vols to cover.

Auburn at South Carolina (-10)
South Carolina is 4-0 with an offense that has one working part and everything else duct-taped in place. However, they are 4-0 and have a Ted Roof defense coming to town on Saturday. With that thought in mind, I doubt Spurrier has even slept this week. Florida Atlantic, of the Sun Belt family tree, in its first two games had a combined 185 yards of total offense. Against Auburn, they had 307. That's 62% of their yearly total.

Overlooked in all of Ted Roof's mess, is that the Auburn offense, led by Chris Todd 2.0, is currently 40th in scoring and 78th in total offense. That's not good when your defense is 92nd in scoring and 110th in total defense. I'll take some South Carolina to cover.

Alabama (-4) at Florida
Okay, for real this time, everyone knows Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps are Florida's offense. While Tennessee and Kentucky lacked the speed and skill on defense to contain them, we know Alabama does not. They have no player on defense as fast as those two, but they have many players who can get to them before they hit the nitrous button. This, of course, means that John Brantley will need to carry a significant portion of the Florida offense. A dark and unpleasant thought for Florida fans.

Alabama will have the same offensive gameplan it's had since Saban got his defense to his preferred level of destruction, and batter Florida into the ground, scoring a touchdown or two, with a peppering of field goals. Alabama to cover.

Ole Miss (+3.5) at Fresno State
Word on the street and every newspaper and media outlet that covers Ole Miss says Randall Mackey will draw the start against the Bulldogs. I don't think this improves things or makes them worse, which is the problem with the Ole Miss offense. The offense is entrenched in a steadily horrible place. Until the offensive line learns how to not not block anyone, anyone reading this sentence could be back there running around and produced the same results.

The only thing I know of Fresno is that David Carr's little brother is their starting quarterback. If this were an NFL game, I'd be elated at such good fortune. But, alas, it is a college game and he will excel. Fresno to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 29-9 (.763)

Texas A&M at Arkansas
Texas A&M. I can't wait to make trips to College Station. Really. I hear it's beautiful this time of year. Seriously.

Mississippi State at Georgia
Georgia. Long story short - I know a Korean boy who does some assembly line work for Nike, and Georgia's next Pro Combat uniforms will be covered in actual dog fur. A lustrous coat.

Kentucky at LSU
LSU. I feel like Les Miles probably reeks of Drakar Noir. Can somebody get confirmation on this?

Buffalo at Tennessee
Tennessee. I'm still seething over my beloved Pats' loss to the Bills last week. Mark my words, TB12 will make good use of his UGG boots when he curbs Buffalo in Foxboro later this season. Oh, and I like the Vols in this one.

Auburn at South Carolina
South Carolina. It's been brought to my attention that Steve Spurrier doesn't drink alcohol anymore. When reached for comment, Stephen Garcia said he would drink enough for the both of them. And every other member of the Gamecock's staff.

Alabama at Florida
Alabama. Cameron Poe and I are flying in for this one- podcast to follow...

Ole Miss at Fresno State
Fresno. I love Boone's picture in the Forward Rebel's ad. He looks like he just took the lectern at an AA meeting.

Mr. Blue
Season: 22-15 (.594)

Blue left the following note on Venkman's pillow:
"Effective immediately, I will be engaging in a hunger strike in honor of my college neutered brothers. No meat will cross my lips until all black labs are allowed to keep their testicles in their scrotums. PS- I left several warm turds in your UGG boots."
- Blue

For his courage, we'll give Mr. Blue the following picks:
Arkansas
Georgia
LSU
Tennessee
South Carolina
Alabama
Fresno State

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 31-6 (.837)

Texas A&M at Arkansas
I could give two shits about Texas A&M, Missouri, VA Tech or any other school mentioned in expansion. I don't see how any of them make the SEC better. The league may get a little more TV money, but the loss of old rivalries will make the SEC much less interesting. (42-31 Arkansas)

MSU at Georgia
Last week I stated that Mississippi State was an average team. I'm tempted to drop them to mediocre, but I'll reserve judgment until after this game against a thoroughly average Georgia team. (24-20 UGA)

Kentucky at LSU
Hey Kentucky fans, basketball is almost here! (38-3 LSU)

Buffalo at Tennessee
I don't know anything about the Buffalo Bulls, but I know that the Bills' QB played at Harvard. (42-10 Tennessee)

Auburn at South Carolina
I'm really shocked that Spurrier still allows Garcia to throw the ball. I guess the Ole Ball Coach is a glutton for punishment. If Carolina can't throw the ball against this crappy defense, Spurrier's head may explode. (35-24 USC)

Alabama at Florida
I've got my jorts packed for the trip to the Swamp. This game is kicking off at 8:00 pm, so I'm positive that this will be the most drunk people that I have ever been around at one time. My goal for this trip is to not end up in the Alachua County Jail. (20-17 Bama)

Ole Miss at Fresno State
For my Ole Miss friends, I hope this is the last game that Houston Nutt ever coaches. (35-21 Fresno)

Chris Low
Season: 31-6 (.837)

Tennessee
Fresno State
LSU
Georgia
South Carolina
Texas A&M
Alabama

KING OF THE RING
Sun Belt Edition
Season:
Gray 22-4
Venkman 20-6
Poe 22-4

Arkansas State at Western Kentucky
Gray: Arkansas State. How many résumés has Hugh Freeze sent Pete Boone? 10? 45?
Venkman: Western Kentucky.
Poe: Arkansas State.

North Texas at Tulsa
Gray: Tulsa.
Venkman: North Texas.
Poe: Tulsa.

Florida Atlantic at Louisiana-Lafayette
Gray: Lafayette
Venkman: Lafayette
Poe: Lafayette

Duke at Florida International
Gray: FIU. I have no idea why, but this game feels like a David Cutcliffe disaster.
Venkman: Duke.
Poe: FIU.

Memphis at Middle Tennessee
Gray: MTSU. Recruiting bagmen are bagmen for a reason. They do nothing else well.
Venkman: MTSU.
Poe: MTSU.

UAB at Troy
Gray: Troy. This is like the Hudson's Salvage Center version of the Alabama/Auburn game.
Venkman: Troy.
Poe: Troy.

On This Forward Rebels Business

2011-09-29T20:19:00.000-05:00

To the uninformed, which I highly advise that you remain in your category and not fill your brain with the waste of time that's headed your way, Forward Rebels is a group of anonymous Ole Miss fans (or so we assume) dedicated to making Ole Miss better at athletics or something something something. Recently, they've made news by taking out two full-page ads in various newspapers (which assures very few people saw them at all!), most notably The Commercial Appeal in Memphis and The Clarion-Ledger in Jackson, criticizing the Ole Miss administration and calling for the firing of athletic director Pete Boone.

Here's the second of the two ads:

On a side note, what's up with the giant gaps between the fifth and six and seventh sentences? Are we to believe the sixth sentence is so important and well-crafted it needs to be set apart from the other sentences? Perhaps it would be if everything was not already in bullet point fashion. How about creating two paragraphs with the sixth sentence set between them? Then you have two blocks with negative space pointing you toward this crucial sixth sentence with THAT in all-caps.

Also, that logo sucks.

Anyway, back to wherever this was going, since the ads have come out, I, along with every other person for which Ole Miss has an email address, have received letters in email form from the M-Club and the Ole Miss Alumni Association (no idea what the difference is) in which the ads taken out by the Forward Rebels group were described as "malicious", "harmful", and other words that express indignation (note: "harrumph" was not listed). Then, today, Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones decided it was time to issue a response that was not a response according to Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones.

In his letter to the Ole Miss Family (not directly related to the Auburn Family), Jones said:

"Many are aware of anonymous, malicious and public attacks on athletics director Pete Boone. The Ole Miss family may not be aware, however, that as a part of this orchestrated campaign, I have received threats, promising that if I do not remove Pete Boone, "It is going to get real ugly," and threatening to expand the attacks to other athletics employees.

Friends, supporters and the media have asked how I will react to this anonymous and vicious pressure. The short answer is that I will not react."

"I will not react." Except by writing a letter that is a total reaction and draws attention to a soap opera-like problem that is entirely contained within the Ole Miss community, which of course will be picked up by almost every major media outlet and put our problems on display for the entire country. But other than that, THERE IS NO REACTION. THE NEST WILL NOT BE STIRRED FURTHER.

Great Odin's raven, WHY IS PR SO HARD FOR PEOPLE? If you're not going to respond, DON'T RESPOND. Don't write anything, don't say anything. If asked about the ads, say, "I have seen the ads, I support Ole Miss athletics, and will evaluate all aspects of each athletic team at the end of their respective seasons. I am happy we have fans who care so much about Ole Miss, and would love to have discussion with them to better understand their position."

Is that total bullshit? OF COURSE. But it sounds good and doesn't create a public shitstorm. Cliches and nothingness are your best friends in this situation. OH HOW I HATE PR PEOPLE.

As for the war between Forward Rebels and the administration, I understand the Forward Rebels' position. They're as pissed off as most Ole Miss fans should be and want to make sure something is done about our failures. Taking this fight into the public arena is what I don't understand, unless they were rebuffed by Dan Jones or whoever he might pass them off to, then those in the administration deserve what's coming their way. But, assuming that didn't happen, what good does it do to let the rest of the country know we do not like our athletic director? I can promise you, they give not a rat's ass about what goes on at Ole Miss, unless it concerns us doing something stupid at which they can laugh.

If Forward Rebels wanted people to not get angry at them, they should have stuck to Ole Miss publications, emails, or set something up on a game day. Instead, they've drug Ole Miss into an ugly public in-fighting scene and caused most to dismiss their efforts. Now all people want is for them to go away so we don't have to read every week in regional and national publications about the chaos going on at Ole Miss.

Though I criticized Dan Jones about two paragraphs ago, the point he did make, which is a good one, is that no one at Ole Miss is going to be publicly pushed into decisions by an unknown outside group. This isn't Arkansas or Auburn looking for a new coach. Now, private pushing, well, that depends on how much money you've got and how well you know how to shut the hell up. But anonymous groups, who have apparently chosen not to go the way of direct contact and instead selected the public domain as the battleground, will have zero say in anything, which is how it should be.

The Sports Gods and Les Miles Have a Conversation

2011-09-29T13:09:00.000-05:00

While he was enjoying a late night walk and snack of Tiger Stadium grass, the sports gods decided to have a word with Les Miles.

(Stolen from here)

Sports Gods: LES? LES? CAN YOU HEAR US?

Coach Miles: Whoa! That was a close one. Almost got me with that bolt. Tough luck for that groundskeeper though. I was literally standing in that same spot 10 seconds ago.

Sports Gods: WHAT? GROUNDSKEEPER? OH. I SEE. YEAH, THAT'S OUR BAD. PROBABLY SHOULD PAY A LITTLE CLOSER ATTENTION TO DETAILS.

Coach Miles: So what's up, guys?

Sports Gods: WELL, LES, WE WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE GOING TO GIVE YOU BACK JORDAN JEFFERSON. WE HAD SOME FUN WITH YOUR FANS, BUT MOSTLY EVERYONE ELSE'S WHO FORGOT THAT YOU HAVE AN NFL DEFENSE AND ASSUMED YOU'D LOSE TO OREGON AND WEST VIRGINIA.

Coach Miles: Wow! Thanks, guys. This is news of a tremendously outstanding uplifting variety of note.

Sports Gods: NO PROBLEM. HOWEVER, THERE IS ONE CONDITION TO HIS RETURN TO THE TEAM.

Coach Miles: What's that?

Sports Gods: YOU CANNOT PLAY HIM UNLESS JARRETT LEE IS INJURED OR CATCHES HIS INTERCEPTIONS FOR TOUCHDOWNS DISEASE AGAIN.

Coach Miles: Might I ask why?

Sports Gods: PEOPLE ARE GETTING SUSPICIOUS AND WE DON'T WANT TO TARNISH OUR GOOD NAME.

Coach Miles: I see. That is certainly an understandable concern that would be an issue if not addressed with zeal and speed necessary to prevent its concernability.

Sports Gods: UH, RIGHT. SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ANYWAY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TERMS OF HIS RETURN?

Coach Miles: Sure do.

Sports Gods: ARE YOUR FINGERS CROSSED?

Coach Miles: Uh, no. Not at all. (holds up hands) Nothing crossed here. (crosses toes)

Sports Gods: VERY WELL THEN. WE'D LOVE TO STAY AND CHAT MORE, BUT WE'VE GOTTA RUN. IT'S BEEN 48 HOURS AND NOTHING EMBARRASSING HAS HAPPENED TO OLE MISS. GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING IN MIND THAT WILL ATTRACT NATIONAL ATTENTION TO A PROBLEM ONLY NOTICED BY OLE MISS FANS RIGHT NOW.

Coach Miles: Okay, sure thing. Good luck with that.

Sports Gods: SEE YOU NOVEMBER 5TH IN TUSCALOOSA.

Coach Miles: I thought you said you'd be here for the Florida game.

Sports Gods: OH, RIGHT. OCTOBER 8TH. OLE MISS IS OFF THAT WEEK, SO THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. UNTIL THEN, COACH.

Coach Miles: Later, fellas.

Les Miles Plans to Get in the Way of Les Miles

2011-09-29T09:15:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday, former LSU starting quarterback Jordan Jefferson was reinstated to the football team after his felony bar parking lot fightin' and kickin' charges were dropped to a misdemeanor. Without Jefferson, a two-year starter, Les Miles has turned LSU into the number one team in the country (without any other team losing) led by the quarterback Jefferson replaced in 2008.

They've looked so dominant through the first four weeks that the only two things that appear to have the power to derail them from a trip to the national championship game are Alabama and this man:

As is usually the case with LSU, Les Miles gives them the best chance to win with his insanity-laced decisions, non-existent clock management that somehow always works out for their success, and his ability to keep the talent pool at LSU deeper than 99% of the rest of country, but, minus the talent pool attribute, he also gives them the best chance to lose with his decision-making and clock management.

Observe the latest round of decision-making:

"I told (Jefferson) today that (Lee) will be our starter going forward,” Miles said during his radio show.

Later with the media, Miles said “Right now Jarrett Lee is our starting quarterback and what we would want to do is obviously add to that skill set.”

Meaning, that despite starting 4-0, with two dominant wins over top 20 teams, and propelling themselves to the number one spot in college football, Les Miles is going to play Jordan Jefferson. A quarterback, who before the bowl game against Texas A&M (Welcome, Aggies! NOW GO TO HELL.) last season, had four touchdown passes and nine interceptions in 12 games, leading the way for an offense that fought with Vanderbilt for right to be called the worst in the conference (and naturally, LSU won 11 games with it).

Les Miles has long been playing with house money, but this is a direct flaunting of society's conventions. Jarrett Lee has overcome his demons of throwing the ball to the other team for touchdowns to become a serviceable asset of an offense that only needs to take advantage of the field position given to it by its defense and special teams. And now Miles want to tinker with this inexplicable fortune?

THIS RUN HAS TO END SOMETIME, RIGHT? No one can walk around with double middle fingers constantly moving in a 360-degree rotation, right? At some point, the ass has to have a giant bite taken out of it, right? Sports gods, why do you choose to lounge around on your asses all day while this stuff goes on directly in your sight?

/shakes fist at sky
/Houston Nutt returns to coach Ole Miss in 2012

Oh, well played, sports gods. I've learned my lesson now, and that lesson is SPORTS ARE HORRIBLE AND STEADILY DRAIN THE MARROW OF LIFE FROM MY SOUL.

Things More Stable Than The Big 12

2011-09-28T10:09:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, the athletic directors of remaining nine Big 12 schools met to have Texas and Oklahoma reassure them that they had no plans to set fire to the building or steal anymore of their money. Then, after taking up a collection for the Longhorns and Sooners as a goodwill thank you offering ($273!), they all told the media they were committed to the idea of stability and preservation of the Big 12.

Just how many or few teams will compose the Big 12 as it moves forward? No one, not even Iowa State athletic director Jamie Pollard, knows:

"There's a lot of possibilities. It could be nine, it could be 10, it could be 12, it could be 16, pick a number," Pollard said.

Okay, sure. 79. -24. π. Zero. Infinity. ABSOLUTE ZERO. They're all in play. However, what's somewhat worrisome for the future of the Big 12 is that the first person quoted is the athletic director from IOWA STATE. When reassurances and commitments to fixing problems need to be made, most companies don't turn to the guy running the mailroom to publicly deliver that message. He may know his role quite well and do a good job, but his authority extends only to the degree in which it is given to him by those actually in charge of the show.

So if the mailroom guy is fielding questions, one can only assume the rest of the interoffice structure no longer functions and it's only a matter of time until a game of survival of the fittest breaks out. And what makes that so exciting is that the game could be triggered by just about anything. Not holding a door open, a dumb forwarded email, a refusal to validate parking. PICK A CAUSE.

With all of that raging instability, and in order to show you just how unstable everything is, let's look at other things that are currently more stable than the Big 12.

Les Miles

Refrigerator-moving business in the Florida Panhandle

Somalia

Housing market in southern Arkansas

Gus Johnson during the NCAA Tournament

Gus Johnson calling a Hail Mary

Boat/Sandbar parties

Nick Saban after a 3rd and 14 is converted against his defense

Your stomach after four plates of meat and no salad bar at Fogo de Chao

The mind of W. Axl Rose

/prays the US tour is still going on by the time it gets near me

Mama grizzly bear after she determines her cubs have been bothered

Pete Boone and Houston Nutt's job security

SEC Orientation for Texas A&M

2011-09-27T09:28:00.001-05:00

Congratulations, Texas A&M fans. You are now part of the best conference in all of college football, and the latest member of the toughest division in college football. Though no one has been able to, in a non-bullshit fashion, explain why your addition helps the rest of the SEC without vague references to TV markets and Texas recruits, who don't seem to win significant games for you or Texas, you are to be congratulated on getting richer and better without really doing a single thing. That kind of planning and execution can only be conceived and brought to fruition in America.

Since you're new around here, I've taken the time to put together a few rules, stereotypes, and nonsensical hatred with which to familiarize yourself before beginning conference play in 2012. These can get a little tricky given that there's no rhyme or reason to many of them, but just follow along as best you can and do what the American education system teaches everyone to do: memorize everything, don't learn anything.

Basic Rules
1. Go to the Ole Miss/A&M game in Oxford. Oxford is one of the best college towns you will ever visit, and you'll probably win the game.

2. Don't try to find out how many football national championships Alabama has won. Wildly inconsistent sourcing will only make your head hurt. Just know that they've won more than you and their fans think they've won way more than that.

3. Bear Bryant really is dead, despite what your Alabama road trip experience will tell you.

4. You lost a recruit to another SEC school? CHEAT HARDER.

5. As a member of the SEC West, you are required to schedule either UAB, Louisiana Tech, Memphis, or at least one I-AA team each season. That Music City/Other Mediocre Exhibition Bowl slot isn't going to fill itself.

6. LSU will beat you in a way that makes you question whether they've signed a pact with the Dark Prince (note: NOT your former coach Jackie Sherrill, but the Biblical one), God hates your school, or both.

7. Auburn will beat you in a way that makes you question whether they've signed a pact with the Dark Prince (note: NOT your former coach Jackie Sherrill, but the Biblical one), God hates your school, or both.

8. You know how much you care about basketball? That's how much Kentucky and Vanderbilt care about football. Yes, Ole Miss cares about football, but everything they do indicates they don't.

9. We'll all need our dry cleaning picked up for the next year. Light starch is always appreciated.

10. The rest of the rules we make up as we go along. What, and you thought we had it together over here? FRESH MEAT.

Types of Fans
Because broad, sweeping stereotypes are so much easier to package neatly into quick points, I'll use those to outline the two types of fans you will encounter at every school.

Alabama
1. They own at least two recruiting national championship t-shirts (yes, these exist), somehow will work a long "a" sound into yelling "Roll Tide," will viciously taunt you about taking the Bear from you even though they weren't alive then, can't find Tuscaloosa on a map (even if they are in Tuscaloosa), and at some point in their lives have come to blows with an immediate family member or close friend over the merits of 3rd and 4 running play in the fourth quarter against North Texas while leading 51-3.

2. Outside of three to four hours on a Saturday, a functioning, contributing member of society. But, when their blood gets up during the game, they will want to take your blood. And as long as Nick Saban is coaching, they probably will.

Arkansas
1. Those who wear plastic hog hats.

2. Those who take 20 minutes of your time directing your attention to their exhibits A through ZZZZZZZZZZZ as to why Houston Nutt is the worst coach in the history of college football and I don't care if we just won 10 games and are a rising program I want to talk about the atrocity that is Houston Nutt.

Auburn
1. People who are "All In."

2. Energy vampires.

Florida
1. Jort, Croc, and sleeveless t-shirt wearers.

2. Old people.

Georgia
1. Ole Miss fans with an ever GREATER sense of entitlement

2. Ole Miss fans who demand even less out of their school

Kentucky
1. Passing the time until basketball starts.

2. Already in Rupp Arena waiting for midnight madness to start.

LSU
1. Those who start Saturday boozing at or before 7 AM.

2. Those who start Saturday boozing at or before 9 AM (also known as "lazy elitists").

Mississippi State
1. "How did what we just accomplished compare to that of the Mississippi Ole Pi$$ Webel Black Bears?"

2. Tortured, good-natured souls who have endured more total misery than their in-state rivals, but have witnessed less consistent bed-shitting and one more trip to Atlanta.

Ole Miss
1. Those who own this print:

And subscribe to it with all their heart.

2. People who genuinely want to see Ole Miss not give a shit about the party and fix what's been plaguing the school for 40 years. They'll sooner climb Mount Everest than uproot the GOB network.

South Carolina
1. Will attend every game no matter if Lou Holtz is coaching his way to an 0-11 record or Brad Scott is doing something dumb.

2. No one else.

Tennessee
1. Those who hate Charles Woodson more than they like Peyton Manning.

2. Those who own Indianapolis Colts merchandise.

Vanderbilt
1. "Northwestern, Duke, and Virginia admissions are a bunch of assholes."

2. "I wanna go to the game, but I only want to stay for like 20 minutes."

And that covers most of what you need to know for now. The rest you'll learn as you go. My advice for the first year is to make minimal eye contact, don't stand out, but don't fall behind, and for the love of all things good and decent, don't lose to Ohio State.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-09-26T09:19:00.001-05:00

GAME RECAPS

Georgia 27, Ole Miss 13
I'm done complaining and engaging in all forms of wailing and gnashing of teeth over this Ole Miss team. Well, at least until the next time something makes me really mad, which will almost certainly happen in the first 10 minutes of every game. So, like Ole Miss, NOTHING HAS OR WILL CHANGE.

But for now, the final analysis of the Ole Miss team is pretty simple. No quarterback, no offensive line (burn in a fire, Phil Steele), no coach, and average defense. I mentioned this on Twitter on Saturday (if you're not on the Twitters or are, you have the opportunity to be exposed to even MORE of my disappointment and fist-shaking at the sky by clicking on the "follow me" link on the right), but when we're looking for our new coach, if we don't hire a Mike Leach/Dana Holgorsen Air Raid-ish believer, and go with a Skip Holtz type, I quit.

Saturday night, with a significant talent gap and playing one of the best, if not THE best defense in the country, Holgoren's West Virginia offense put up 533 yards of total offense against LSU, with Geno Smith throwing for 463 yards. Special teams disasters and turnovers kept West Virginia from keeping it close until the end, but they moved the ball at will after the first quarter.

By comparison, the Ole Miss offense has 591 TOTAL yards through three D-I football games. I never want to see another pro-style offense which relies on having better players than everyone else to be successful, because, as I said before, we will never have those players on a consistent basis. Dammit, I'm ready for this coaching search to get started. IT'S ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW.

Also, Georgia, you stink.

Alabama 38, Arkansas 14
In the modern era of D-I college football, as in when black players were finally allowed to make the game a million times more fun to watch, has a team ever been held to negative yards of total offense? If not, there's a good chance it will happen on October 15th in Oxford, Mississippi when Alabama comes to town.

If they were able to manhandle Bobby Petrino's offense, which is an actual functioning offense, first degree felony abuse/assault/battery is headed the Rebels' way.

Auburn 30, Florida Atlantic 14
A round of congratulations to Ted Roof for allowing fewer than a quarter of a million yards to an opposing offense. FAU, one of the few teams in the country with a worse offense than Ole Miss, only managed to grind out 307 yards and 14 points, which were 306 yards and 13.9 points above their respective averages.

Florida 48, Kentucky 10
On Friday I wrote that Kentucky had to know that their only chance of winning was limiting Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps, forcing John Brantley to throw. How'd that work out? 405 yards rushing for Florida, with 262 from Rainey and Demps. So I'd say not well. The bloodbath of ineffectiveness between Ole Miss and Kentucky on November 5th will be a tale of horror passed down through generations until the end of time.

Mississippi State 26, Louisiana Tech 20
Rest a little easier, Bulldog fans, for your team is the second football team in which Tech has taken to overtime this season. Now, you may get worried again because that first team was Central Arkansas.

Chris Relf seems to have responded really well to being pulled on the biggest drive of the game against LSU. If standing on a beach, his ability to throw the ball into the ocean is in question at this point. However, the lifeguard stand and beach furniture storage box could still be in play due to the fact the ball could go anywhere when it leaves his hand.

I understand the whole team being flat in a game like this, but to only score 13 offensive points (in regulation) against a bad defense like Louisiana Tech's is a troubling sign. Not to mention, State was a few "that's why they're Louisiana Tech" plays away from being 1-3 after eight months of contending in the SEC West talk.

South Carolina 21, Vanderbilt 3
How about everyone go ahead and sign an agreement to never say anything about Vanderbilt being a new kind of Vanderbilt. That would save me time in saying, "I NEVER TIRE OF BEING RIGHT," and it would save everyone else time in retracting praise for Vanderbilt and their coach at the time of incorrect praise. 77 yards of total offense against a defense that was shredded by East Carolina and Georgia is an excellent reminder that, assuming a win over Kentucky happens, Vanderbilt will go 2-6 in the SEC.

But the real excitement to come out of this game is the collapse of Stephen Garcia, who has looked awful for most of the season. With his four interceptions in this game, he's taken the lead in the competition for the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure. And thanks to Connor Shaw being just as bad or worse, Spurrier will be forced to keep playing him, which will result in more headset-throwing montages ESPN showed us at various points in the game.

/weeps hot tears of joy

LSU 47, West Virginia 21
See above for my man-crush on all things Dana Holgorsen, but only LSU loses their starting quarterback a week before the season starts and gets BETTER. WAY BETTER. Jarrett Lee has stopped throwing interceptions and now specializes in not doing dumb things and making a smattering of really good throws. Had Reuben Randle not dropped a touchdown pass that would have made it 34-7, Lee would have thrown four TDs and put a special exclamation point on a curb-stomping.

Of course, it helps to have good running backs, receivers, and offensive line, but Lee has elevated himself to whatever level is above game manager. Let's call it game supervisor. Or game assistant to the vice president. If LSU and Alabama hold their courses, the November 5th game will be the exact opposite of the Ole Miss/Kentucky game on that day.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Jeff Demps, Florida
10 carries, 157 yards, 2 TDs

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Stephen Garcia, South Carolina
16-30, 228 yards, 1 TD, 4 INTs

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Les Miles
The man is an unstoppable force, perhaps even a Nightrain?

(In honor of Guns going back on tour. Even without Slash and most of the rest, I'm gonna do my best to be there.)

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Stephen Garcia 7
2. Morgan Newton 6
2. Zack Stoudt 6
4. Barrett Trotter 3
4. Chris Relf 3
4. Tyler Wilson 3
4. Aaron Murray 3
4. Larry Smith 3
9. John Brantley 2
9. A.J. McCarron 2
9. Tyler Bray 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 2-5
Season: 18-17-1 (.513)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Week: 6-1
Season: 29-9 (.763)

Mr. Blue
Week: 3-4
Season: 22-15 (.594)

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Week: 7-0
Season: 31-6 (.837)

Chris Low
Week: 7-0
Season: 31-6 (.837)

KING OF THE RING
Gray: 22-4
Venkman: 20-6
Poe: 22-4

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Texas A&M at Arkansas
Ugh. Now I have to pay attention to another team? You'll find me in the camp that thinks the addition of A&M is unnecessary and only benefits Texas A&M. I'm not sure I understand the logic of messing with the best set up in college football.

/informed this means we may not have to lose to Alabama every year

Welcome aboard, Aggies!

Florida at Alabama
A Saturday night with Uncle Verne? YES PLEASE.

Ole Miss at Fresno State
If he loses, it could be Houston Nutt's last game at Ole Miss. COACHING SEARCH PLEASE.

Week Four Power Poll And Picks

2011-09-23T10:42:00.000-05:00

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. James Franklin
Dave Rowe: "Oh, wow! Vanderbilt! Undefeated! You gotta like what he's done with this team. Really playing hard and looking good on offense. I expect them to put up some points today!"

/Vandy fails to get first down until the third quarter

2. Stephen Garcia
Joe Lee Dunn: "I can't figure this boy out. Big, fairly athletic, strong arm, yet he doesn't know where the ball is going. I don't know. Probably should blitz."

3. John Brantley
Joe Lee Dunn: "Brantley reminds me of Russ Shows, minus the dedication to run head-first into a defensive lineman."

4. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "Don't sleep on the Commodores, Ball Coach!"

5. Bobby Petrino
Replay official: "Seriously. What an asshole."

6. Chris Rainey
Dave Rowe: "A text message? I don't understand. It's like letter that goes through your phone? Oh, boy! What'll they think of next!"

7. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "He's thrown how many interceptions? And you're telling me there's not a job for me somewhere in D-I football?"

8. Les Miles
Replay official: "I have it on good authority that Les only considers challenging plays when the clock is on an even number in months that have 31 days and odd numbers in months with 30 days."

9. A.J. McCarron
Dave Rowe: "Hey, he's still alive! Nice job, A.J.!"

10. Tyler Wilson
Joe Lee Dunn: "Oh, right. Sorry, not much on him. Working on getting my application to Memphis before the weekend."

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 16-12-1 (.569)

Georgia (-9.5) at Ole Miss
My JP game history is a little foggy, mostly because the human brain does a remarkable job of shoving trauma into a deep, dark cave never to been seen again until triggered by the smallest of events, but I cannot recall a JP game in which so much was on the line. Not in terms of division titles or bowl births, but, rather, in a perfectly fitting JP fashion, the survival of a pair of coaches.

Lose to Ole Miss, a team that just got waxed by Vanderbilt, and Mark Richt is either fired on Sunday or a dead man walking for another two months. Get blown out by Georgia, and the same applies to Houston Nutt. A respectable loss probably earns Nutt time until the next thrashing, and an improbable win gives Nutt one bright spot in what is sure to a miserable year, ultimately resulting in his firing.

Looking at this game, I'm reminder of 2006 when an Ed Orgeron team was fresh off a 27-3 drilling at the hands of mighty Wake Forest in Oxford. Georgia came to Oxford the following week, favored by three scores, and walked away with an UGLY UGLY UGLY 14-9 win.

Incidentally, that was the drunkest Ole Miss crowd in the school's history. A horrible football team, an 8 PM kickoff, and no hope. It was also that same night in which someone defecated in the Grove, was seen doing so by Ole Miss' PR-type person, Jeff Alford, who announced to the state's largest newspaper what he had seen, and was printed for all the world to read. WELL DONE, JEFFREY.

Anyway, the point I should have made three paragraphs ago is that even though Ole Miss is a bad team, they're not totally cooked yet, meaning I think they still have some pride. And in the testosterone-fueled world of violent sports, pride can motivate you to keep from getting embarrassed for a second straight week. Combined with Georgia's problems (poor offensive line, head coach pressure, soft run defense, and general bed-shitting tendencies), it makes for an ideal time to take the points with an SEC team at home. Ole Miss won't win, but the points are too good to pass up.

Arkansas at Alabama (-12)
Arkansas goes from three straight games where it was possible to score 75 points if everything clicked as Bobby Petrino saw it clicking, to a game in which 7.5 points would be a respectable number. Mostly because I don't know how they'd get that .5 points.

However, the Alabama offense in its one legitimate game scored 23 points on a team that needed a late touchdown to beat Temple. It's possible they could be saving the two percent of non-conservative plays they have for this game, or they're just relying on the defense to make sure three field goals and a touchdown is enough to get the job done, and perhaps even be called a little excessive.

Alabama should dominate with their defense, but it will be an ugly dominate. Ugly enough that 12 points is enough for me to take.

Florida Atlantic at Auburn (-33.5)
I'm pretty sure I once babbled mildly incoherently in this space about Auburn dominating bad teams even in the Chris Todd era. Then they went out and nearly lost to Utah State. The lesson to be learned here is that I do not learn lessons, and take Auburn to cover.

Florida (-20) at Kentucky
VEGAS, ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO FORCE ME TO TAKE ANOTHER UNDERDOG? I hate this so much. The Wildcats are challenging Ole Miss for offensive worthlessness, but on the other side, surely they understand that limiting Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps puts the ball in the hands of John Brantley, which is a huge win for themselves. But can they do it? I DON'T KNOW.

Based on a rule I just made up, I'm taking Kentucky and the points because no SEC team should be a 20-point dog at home unless they are Vanderbilt or coached by Ed Orgeron.

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State (-20.5)
State to cover.

Vanderbilt at South Carolina (-16)
Just to stick to my guns that Vanderbilt is terrible, I'll take South Carolina to cover. There's nothing like the kind of stubbornness that takes you down with the ship.

LSU (-6) at West Virginia
It's too bad a fine-tuned Dana Holgorsen offense doesn't get to go up against this LSU defense. It would have been, as they say, an extreme conflict of interest making for awesome television. No idea if they actually say that, but you get the point. Another year or two at West Virginia, and I think Holgorsen has a chance to put a dent in this defense.

Alas, we are stuck with the matchup at hand. I like LSU to cover, but I think this is the game we finally get a Jarrett Lee pick six due to West Virginia's aggressive and unconventional (3-3-5) style of defense. AND IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME. It's been far too long since we've seen that friend.

Also, read this if you want to learn legitimate things about this game. And it should help erase any doubts an Ole Miss fan will have about hiring a Leach/Air Raid disciple.

*You will not double your paycheck.

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 23-8 (.742)

Georgia at Ole Miss
Georgia. Last Saturday, my father, who is pushing 60 years of age and attended an SEC school, called me from Nashville to tell me that this Ole Miss squad is hands down the worst SEC team he has ever seen in person. I’ve never been one of those cool cats who skips the game to party in the Grove, but if ever there was a year to do it, it’s this one.

Arkansas at Alabama
Alabama. Did anyone else notice that North Texas resembled the Texas State University Fightin' Armadillos from Necessary Roughness? I half-expected Scott Bakula to enter the game and throw bombs to Sinbad. Love that kelly green.

FAU at Auburn
Auburn. This is one of three remaining wins on the Tigers’ schedule (Ole Miss, Samford). Ted Roof is clearly one of the top defensive coordinators in the Alabama Independent School Association.

Florida at Kentucky
Florida. I just found my post-game bar outfit for Gainesville next week:

LA Tech at Mississippi State
MSU. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Vandy at South Carolina
South Carolina.

LSU at WVU
West Virgina. No, that’s not a typo. Like a woman scorned, look for WVU to take out all of her “no conference thinks we’re good enough” angst against Les Miles and company. Also look for Jarrett Lee to backslide from the hallowed grounds of “game manager” to “who the hell gave this tubby sack of shit a scholarship to an SEC school?”

Mr. Blue
Season: 19-11 (.633)
This week we're graced with thoughts from the mind Mr. Blue.

Georgia at Ole Miss
Ole Miss. “What the hell? He shells out Ol’ Roy for the first eight years of my life, now it’s free meat on Hump-day.”

Arkansas at Alabama
Arkansas. (Censored; Ed: Who knew that Mr. Blue, a fan of letting the world see his red rocket, had such sexy time thoughts.)

FAU at Auburn
FAU. “Meat…meat…meat…Meat…Meat…MEAT…BRAAAAAAHHHHMMMM!”

Florida at Kentucky
Florida. “Hey, vanilla face! Get the low-sodium turkey for crying out loud. Elderly black men stroke out on this salty shit!”

LA Tech at Mississippi State
MSU. “How did it come to this? From 2003-2005 I’m pimp-walking around right field at Rebel baseball games, breakin’ hearts and sniffin’ butts, now the highlight of my week is a quarter-sized piece of meat on an index card.”

Vandy at South Carolina
Vandy. “Sometimes, late at night, I remember a flimsy structure, over on South 16th. Oxford Place, I think it was. There was a bearded man in a hat…they called him Torrent. He had such gentle hands…”

LSU at WVU
LSU. “If he goes blind, I hope he’d keep me on as his seeing eye dog. I wonder how fast I could get him in oncoming traffic?”

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 24-6 (.800)

Georgia at Ole Miss
Last time Georgia came to Oxford someone took a dump in the Grove. This time I hope someone pulls a Todd Packer and takes a dump in Houston Nutt's office. I've seen many putrid Rebel performances, but last week's game may be the worst. It's a testament to how bad Ole Miss football has become when it's not surprising that they lose to Vandy.

The thing that did surprise me, however, was the total lack of effort put forth by the team It is clear that this team has quit on Nutt. Teams that quit on their coach early in the season don't come back. (See e.g. Bama 2000, Bama 2006, Auburn 2008) Georgia will roll and Houston Nutt will take one step closer to the unemployment line. (35-10 UGA)

Arkansas at Alabama
I've been about to vomit all week because of this game. Bobby Petrino offenses scare the hell out of me. I don't think Bobby has thought about anything other than this game since the season began. The Alabama defense will see all sorts of crazy shit to start the game. I hope that the defense can withstand the storm because I don't think Chest Tattoo Boy will put a ton of points on the board.

I'm going to go with the Tide because this game is in T-town, but it will be close well into the 4th quarter. If Alabama wins, I will wear this shirt at next week's game in Gainesville. (20-17 Bama)

FAU at Auburn
Auburn loses one game and the AD is sending a don't panic letter to the Auburn "family." They must really think that the ship is about to hit the iceberg. (45-21 Auburn)

Florida at Kentucky
Kentucky lost to Louisville. Kentucky must suck real bad. Florida has a good defense and a below average offense. A below average offense will be enough. (38-7 Gators)

Louisiana Tech at Mississippi State
Dan Mullen did a good job of convincing his players, State fans, and stupid members of the media that State was a legitimate contender for the Western Division title. He failed to back up that big talk in losing his first two SEC games, which brought his record against SEC west opponents to 2-10. Mississippi State is just an AVERAGE football team.

At State, average is reason to celebrate and have big pep rallies with Fred Smoot, but let's stop this nonsense about Dan Mullen turning State into an SEC power. You would think Dan would shut the hell up after two straight losses, but Dan is still spouting off about taking State to Atlanta one day. Dan, one day I'm going to be President of the United States. (31-17 State)

Vandy at South Carolina
I give the new guy at Vandy credit because winning any games at Vandy is difficult. I'm not buying, however, the idea that he is turning that program around. The team I watched on Saturday looked a lot like the Steve Martin era Vandy teams. They were just playing a much shittier version of Ole Miss. They will not upset Carolina in this game.

I think Spurrier hates his quarterbacks so much that he is trying to see if he can win a game by giving it to Marcus Lattimore on every offensive play. Lattimore carried the ball 37 times last week against Navy. I predict 62 carries and 340 yards for Mr. Lattimore this week. (28-17 Carolina)

LSU at West Virginia
Dana Holgorsen's hair and offense are must see TV when West Virginia is up against the typical Big East foe. Unfortunately, Dana does not have enough players to consistently move the ball against the LSU defense. This game will be a lot like the LSU/State game. It won't be a blowout on the scoreboard, but it won't ever feel like West Virginia has a chance to win the game. (24-14 LSU)

Chris Low
Season: 24-6 (.800)

Georgia
Alabama
Florida
South Carolina
Auburn
Mississippi State
LSU

KING OF THE RING
WAC Edition

New Mexico State at San Jose State
Gray: I saw San Jose State play UCLA two weekends ago and they were, what's the word I'm looking for...WORSE THAN UCLA, if possible. But, at the end of the day, they're not New Mexico State. SJSU.
Venkman: I will be voting straight libertarian anarchist this week. All home WAC teams, please. SJSU.
Poe: New Mexico State. Does Hal Mumme still coach the Aggies?

Fresno State at Idaho
Gray: Fresno, in preparation for our loss to them next weekend.
Venkman: Fresno.
Poe: Fresno.

Nevada at Texas Tech
Gray: Texas Tech. Tommy Tuberville back in Oxford? I would not put up a fight that no one would pay attention to anyway.
Venkman: Texas Tech.
Poe: Texas Tech.

Colorado State at Utah State
Gray: Utah State.
Venkman: Utah State.
Poe: Utah State. I liked their work against Auburn.

UC Davis at Hawaii
Gray: Hawaii. Former Hawaii coach and current SMU coach June Jones in Oxford? No issue here.
Venkman: Hawaii.
Poe: Hawaii.

Missourah Sends The SEC A Gift Basket

2011-09-22T11:11:00.001-05:00

If Michael Scott taught us anything, it's that morons are always in charge and gift baskets are the way business works (also: don't trust your GPS). Taking that line of thought, Missourah (if they're ever going to join the SEC, then we get to call them Missourah; way more fun to say) made sure the SEC knew that the Tigers were very interested in doing permanent business with the SEC by sending commissioner Mike Slive a lovely basket of gifts on Wednesday (and yes, it did reek of "PLEASE DON'T FORGET US").

Though it appears expansion talk and action has settled down for the moment, much like Houston Nutt's firing, the termination date of the Big 12 is a question of when, not if. However, as usual, no one knows the entire story, so things could shift in the next 20 minutes or 20 years. But, based on Tigers' coach Gary Pinkel's comments, I'd lean in the direction of 20 minutes.

"...it's also really sad that this league … there's no other league in the nation that's dealing with this kind of stuff. It's (Texas A&M) the third member we've lost in two years. Obviously we've got problems in our league and we don't fix them. So, it's embarrassing. And it's sad because it has such great potential."

While the hour of destruction in not known, we do know the offerings delivered by the Tigers to the commissioner's office in Birmingham. Peering through the cellophane, the Tigers may be in need of hearing, "We'll be in touch (we promise!) soon."

Branson
Old people, and there are plenty of them in the South, eat this place up with the same vigor they reserve for $5.99 early bird specials, which are abundant in Branson.

2007 Kansas City Royals
Not the poster seen here, but the actual team. After going 69-93 that season, most of the players are out of work and in need of a job to give their lives some structure and discipline, and the SEC office always needs interns.

Todd Haley
The Tigers know Ole Miss will soon be in need of a new coach, and what better replacement than an overmatched ex-NFL coach.

Anti-Kansas shirts
Trying to capitalize on the SEC fans who have driven to Colorado to go skiing and had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing all of I-70 in Kansas, these shirts offer SEC fans and Missourah fans the chance to bond over a common enemy. Granted, SEC fans will never hate Kansas with the unbridled passion as those in the Show-Me State, but HOLY SHIT DOES I-70 SUCK.

Copies of the Oregon Trail computer game
If you recall, the game starts in Independence, Missouri before you head out into the unknown of the old American frontier. And yes, they should have stopped making computer games after this one. I beat this game once at school when I was in the fifth grade and I consider it my greatest achievement in life until I finally beat the control room board in Goldeneye for Nintendo 64 (it took me almost six months to beat that stupid board).

(click for the ability to see what the hell this is)

Non-Fascist alcohol laws
-No statewide open container law or prohibition on drinking in public
-No alcohol-related blue laws
-No precise locations for selling liquor by the package, which allows drug stores and gas stations to sell any kind of liquor)
-Missouri law expressly prohibits any jurisdiction from going dry

If you've ever lived in Oxford, take a few moments to wipe away the tears.

/bear hugs Missourah
/hands it a beer
/given ticket for open container and drinking in public

Ole Miss Offense Gets Even More Vanilla

2011-09-21T15:27:00.000-05:00

After Saturday's 30-7 loss to Vanderbilt, Ole Miss head coach Houston Nutt and offensive coordinator David Lee agreed that the offensive playbook needed to be simplified. So the two set out to reduce the level of exoticism in the playbook of the 115th-ranked Ole Miss offense (that's total offense; scoring offense is 95th). After hours of scheming, editing, and getting the damn copier to collate properly, here's what offensive players received at the beginning of the week:

Click for the ability to read this.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, MARK RICHT. YOU'VE BEEN SO WARNED.

Hansel Explains Non-Expansion

2011-09-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

"So I'm in the LA Coliseum, watching USC and Oklahoma play, and suddenly, this other team runs out on the field. They're wearing all this orange and black, and the whole thing is very confusing. 'Cause like, what are they doing here? There's already a game going on.

Then, a team wearing nothing but black comes running in behind a black horse with a rider on it making a gun with his hand. And I'm like, what is going on here? Not everyone can play, right? So just when I think it could get any more scary, Texas shows up. Yeah, Texas! How'd they even get there? Who told them the game was going on?

So, now, I'm like, totally spinning. Who's that, what's that over there, what's gonna happen next. I mean, it's really starting to freak me out. So I start screaming. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh. I'll never forget the terror. When all of a sudden, I realize, 'Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking Peyote since August, and couldn't some of this be in your head?'

And it was. I was totally fine. Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, and Texas Tech have never even been in the Pac-12."

It's Time for Ole Miss to Pull the Plug on 40 Years of Failure

2011-09-19T15:35:00.000-05:00

When Archie Manning's final season at Ole Miss ended in 1970, the glory years of Ole Miss football breathed its last breath. The program had been on its way down from the dominance of the 1950s and early 60s, but with Manning and the old coach, John Vaught, there had remained hope that another run like the one a decade before could be made. The Manning and Vaught combination never did win a conference championship (or obscure national championship), but their series of winning seasons extended Ole Miss' appearance on the stage of college football legitimacy.

Since that time, Ole Miss has drifted in and out of minor relevance. A pair of 10-win seasons ('71 and '03), 14 bowl games (Cotton Bowl as the most prominent game; Houston Nutt would like to take this time to remind you of the BACK-TO-BACK Cotton Bowl wins he coached), and more Independence Bowls (five) than should ever be allowed in five lifetimes are the greatest accomplishments by the Rebels in the last 40 years. And when you examine the records during those years, the details are even more underwhelming.

Beginning in 1971 and through the 2010 season, Ole Miss' overall record is 231-225-4 (.506; 17 winning seasons out of 40). The SEC record in that time is a putrid 112-175-1 (.390; I easily could have missed a game or two, but you get the point), which includes just 10 above .500 SEC seasons in 40 seasons. After the 1992 season, the next season Ole Miss had a winning conference record was 2003, and since 2003, the Rebels have had one winning record in conference play (2008). Even the horrid days of the late 70s and early 80s didn't see a stretch as worthless as that (thanks to bowl expansion and increased conference tie-ins, the Rebels did go to more bowls in recent years despite .500 or worse conference records; also, in the record listed above, I did not count forfeit wins; if we lost on the field, I counted it as a loss).

Currently, we find ourselves in the midst of yet another run of futility, losing, and embarrassment. The latest of which was a 30-7 thrashing of thrashings at the hands of unmighty Vanderbilt, marking the end of the Houston Nutt era at Ole Miss. As of this writing, he hasn't been fired, but it's a matter of when, not if that decision is made. And so, for the fourth time since 1998, we will be undergoing a coaching search.

I don't have the slightest idea who is on our radar as the next man to take over the program. You can throw out just about any name right now and at least part of it will stick, as things tend to do during these searches. I have a few favorites in mind, but it's not my ass that will be on the line when the decision is made (though, you could argue that if Pete Boone survives the Nutt firing, neither will his since he's also lived through the Orgeron debacle; also, for the record, which I know you diligently keep, my top three are Gus Malzahn, Kevin Sumlin at Houston, and Art Briles at Baylor).

However, what I do know is that Ole Miss cannot afford to hire someone who believes in a conventional style, most notably on offense. For the last 40 years, we've tried to do things the way everyone else does them. Recruit the best players we can get, then play a similar style of football. We've tried to do this against a lineup of Alabama, LSU, Auburn, Tennessee, and Georgia, all schools with more of everything than we have. It shouldn't come as a shock that this approach has failed for 40 years.

Granted, as I mentioned above, there have been some successes over those years, but nothing of the sustained variety (I would call the Cutcliffe years sustained mediocrity). And the majority of those successes came during a period in which the window for opportunity for success in the SEC for everyone, no matter pecking order status, was still open (and we had one of the five best quarterbacks to ever play in the SEC). If you recall, the mid-to-late 90s were dominated by Florida. No one else, save for the '99 Alabama team and Tennessee, could remotely threaten the Gators for conference supremacy.

In the SEC West, it was virtually anyone's game. Nick Saban had not arrived at LSU, Alabama was coming off probation, and Tommy Tuberville had not built Auburn into a monster. If you went 5-3, you had a pretty good shot at making it to Atlanta. And anyone could crawl through that window, as evidenced by a Wayne Madkin-led Mississippi State team going to Atlanta in 1998. But then, the arms race began in 2000 when Nick Saban showed up in Baton Rouge and that's when the window began to close.

As we know, Saban turned LSU into what they are, Tuberville matched him nearly step for step, and Alabama, while not nearly as successful, only needed a quality coach to challenge those schools, which they eventually got in Saban. From then on, it became clear that unless your school had excellent recruiting (meaning: top ten) and pumped million of dollars into the football program, you weren't winning consistently in the SEC, particularly the SEC West.

Ole Miss cannot match those schools in recruiting or in money raised and spent. In 2006, we had our best recruiting class ever, finishing 15th in published rankings. That was good for FOURTH in our own division, and sixth in the SEC. Since 2006, we have not had a recruiting class match that success, nor will we anytime soon. Even if we kept up that level of recruiting, it means we're still bringing in the fourth best collection of talent in the SEC West.

In order to offset the recruiting deficiencies we will always have, we have to change our approach, particularly on offense. The conventional way, which has 40 years of data saying it does not work for us, has to go. Ole Miss needs someone who believes in an aggressive and non-traditional offensive philosophy. We're never going to have the players to allow us to overpower other teams on offense and rely on a defense to shut teams down, like an Alabama or LSU. And any effort to continue to play this way is pure insanity.

What we have now is an opportunity to change Ole Miss football. We can break free of the mold in which we've buried ourselves for the last 40 years and try something new. It's the same type of strategy change employed by Texas Tech, Navy, Oklahoma State, and other smaller schools attempting to cut down the gap between themselves and the bigger schools. And for the most part, they've made themselves competitive year after year. There are no guarantees it will work at Ole Miss and in a place like the SEC, but we already know what doesn't work: the last 40 years of Ole Miss football.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-09-19T09:21:00.000-05:00

Note: While writing this, I dropped four Tyler Bray passes that I should have intercepted.

GAME RECAPS

LSU 19, Mississippi State 6
10:08 to go in the game, LSU leads 16-6, State, while not dead in the water, but certainly treading in it, pulls its starting quarterback in favor of a backup who has done nothing in his career to make anyone think he's going to lead a successful scoring drive. Look, I know, and have mentioned at least 2,384 times, that Chris Relf can't throw vertically with any degree of accuracy, and at that point in the game vertical throwing was required. But you don't pull arguably your best offensive player off the field for the most important possession of the game, essentially saying to a dominant defense, "Hey, guys, WE'RE GOING TO THROW NOW" (unless your name is Houston Nutt).

Tyler Russell's plays from the two drives before the garbage time drive (excluding one punt):
-Vick Ballard rush for five yard loss
-Incomplete pass
-Incomplete pass
-Sacked
-Interception

And that was the game. Odds are Chris Relf doesn't get it done either, but going back to last week against Auburn, he got the ball back down 14 with eight and a half minutes left and almost pulled it off. Now, LSU's defense is a kabillioninfinity times better than Ted Roof's atrocity, but not giving Relf a chance makes as much sense as letting Tyson Lee have the option to keep the ball on a fourth and goal from the one.

Clemson 38, Auburn 24
Seriously, Gus, WHAT DO YOU WANT? IT'S YOURS. JUST NAME YOUR PRICE.

Part of my sales pitch to Malzahn would be that, in three years, when he's ready to leave Ole Miss for more money and a higher profile job, the Auburn job will probably be open because Chizik, without a Malzahn, is Ed Orgeron without an accent. So, if he really enjoys being at Auburn, take a two or three-year vacation, see another part of the world, then come back.

Vanderbilt 30, Ole Miss 7
I'll have more to say about Ole Miss later, but, for now, if Ole Miss chancellor Dan Jones gives a shit at all about Ole Miss, he tells Pete Boone to fire Houston Nutt immediately, then offers Boone the chance to resign or be fired. Then, he sets out to find an athletic director who has no ties to Ole Miss, but has run an athletic department or has been the number two at a big athletic department. That person is charged with finding the next coach at Ole Miss. Not Dan Jones or any other member of the GOB network, but the new AD. He can use one of those coach search firms if he sees fit, but the decision is his. Its success or failure rests solely on him.

As for this game, try to remember that Vanderbilt still stinks. There will be plenty of hype about the 3-0 Commodores, but trust me, they stink. So, yes, Ole Miss really is that bad. I don't know if we will score a touchdown in conference play that is not in garbage time. And if any member of our offensive line successfully pass blocks, they should be given the damn Rimington Trophy.

Georgia 59, Coastal Carolina 0
How bad is Ole Miss? The initial line in Vegas for the Georgia game had the Bulldogs favored by 6.5 points. Within a few hours, it jumped to 11.

Florida 33, Tennessee 23
If Florida's defensive backs were not playing defense with iron skillets as hands, it would be Tyler Bray who would be leading the conference in interceptions and not Zack Stoudt. I counted seven passes that hit Florida defenders in the hands. Had the ball not made a clanging noise when it hit them, Tennessee could have been looking at a four-touchdown loss.

Bray has a strong arm and can throw passes into a tight window, but his decision-making process is going to bite Tennessee in the ass and IT WILL BE GLORIOUS. Also, John Brantley has officially achieved "I hope he doesn't screw this up" status for Florida fans and coaches.

South Carolina 24, Navy 21
Things with Steven Garcia are going so well that Spurrier had to give the ball, in the third game of the season, to Marcus Lattimore 37 times in order to win. Luckily for South Carolina, the meat of the schedule doesn't start until the middle of October, but great Odin's raven, Lattimore is going to be a 65-year old running back when he's 22. And a note to all the other SEC teams, don't schedule a triple option team ever. Sucks to be you, Georgia.

Louisville 24, Kentucky 17
I thought about watching the second half of this, but instead drank a bottle of Liquid Drano. Incidentally, that will be my drink of choice when Kentucky and Ole Miss play on November 5th.

Arkansas 38, Troy 28
Troy's quarterback attempted 63 passes, which equaled the number of sarcastic "die in your sleep" smirks that Bobby Petrino gave his players.

Alabama 41, North Texas 0
Rough week for the Sun Belt. Aw, hell, who are we kidding. Tough existence for the Sun Belt.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Chris Rainey, Florida
21 carries, 108 yards
2 catches, 104 yards, TD

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Houston Nutt for Zack Stoudt's 13-26, 139 yards, 1 TD, 5 INTs

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Les Miles
Took Jarrett Lee on the road and dominated, which has probably never been done before. At least not on this planet. Not sure about Les' home planet.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Zack Stoudt 5
2. Morgan Newton 4
3. Stephen Garcia 3
4. Chris Relf 2
4. Barrett Trotter 2
4. Larry Smith 2
4. Aaron Murray 2
4. Tyler Bray 2
4. John Brantley 2
4. Tyler Wilson 2
4. A.J. McCarron 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 4-4
Season: 16-12-1 (.569)

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Week: 7-1
Season: 23-8 (.742)

Week: 5-2
Season: 19-11 (.633)

POE VERSUS LOW

Week: 5-3
Season: 24-6 (.800)

Week: 5-3
Season: 24-6 (.800)

KING OF THE RING
Gray 18-3
Venkman 16-5
Poe 19-2

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Arkansas at Alabama
Is Bobby Petrino already upset with someone? Is Tyler Wilson practicing picking himself off the ground? Will Nick Saban turn this game into a hammer fight?

LSU at West Virginia
Now that West Virginia sells beer in its stadium, prepare for sales records to be shattered and never surpassed after this weekend. And a note to West Virginia stadium officials: Don't be like the Cotton Bowl a few years back and underestimate the drive for alcohol from rabid SEC fans. I forget if it was the '04 or '08 Cotton Bowl, but the Ole Miss side of the stadium was completely out of beer by the end of the first quarter. Whatever you think is enough, triple that order.

Kansas Burns Down Missouri Town For The Second Time

2011-09-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

In 1861, the town of Osceola, Missouri was attacked, looted, burned, and terrorized by a group of men known as "jayhawkers" from Kansas who were part of group that went around and attacked, looted, burned, and terrorized anything in Missouri. After all the murder and destruction ended, only about 200 residents remained of what was once a town of 2,500.

On Tuesday, people in the government of Osceola passed a resolution asking Kansas University to stop "the celebration of this murderous gang of terrorists by an institution of ‘higher education’ in such a brazen and malicious manner."

All that fancy highbrow political talk means that this is how they interpreted the events of 1861:

Click to enormosize.

Kansas University, in non-fancy political highbrow talk, responded by lighting the torches one more time:

“A Jayhawk is a blue bird with a red head and a big yellow beak that wears boots," Kansas News Service Director Jill Jess told the Columbia Daily Tribune. "It would be hard to confuse it with anyone with terrorist intent, though we admit we have been terrorizing the Tigers on the basketball court for some time. Tigers have been known to kill people. Bears, too.”

Give that woman all the tenure she wants.

Week Three Power Poll and Picks

2011-09-16T12:25:00.000-05:00

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Ted Roof
Joe Lee Dunn: "I tell ya, the boy doesn't appear to have a lick of aggression in his body, but his strategy of waiting for the other team to screw up seems to be working."

2. Joker Phillips
Dave Rowe: "Gutty win by Joker and the Wildcats. Central Michigan really (static noise covers rest of comment)

3. Houston Nutt
Replay official: "Can't wait for Houston to wildly challenge a play that's not even close. It'll cost him the game and the shred of good favor he has left at Ole Miss."

4. David Lee
Dave Rowe: "David Lee is one of the most innovative minds in all of football! And he hates the quarterback sneak, which is the worst play in football!"

5. Tyrone Nix
Joe Lee Dunn: "Now here's someone with some aggression. My kind of guy. Full house, casino blitzes in obvious blitzing downs. No other way to live."

6. Barrett Trotter
Joe Lee Dunn: "If I could just have one crack at him, oh, man. They'd be picking him out of the grass. Someone would probably score, but they'd be picking up the pieces of him after."

7. Tyler Bray
Dave Rowe: "WOW!!!!"

8. James Franklin
Replay official: "You really think we're going to let Vandy get some momentum? Enjoy your stay here, Mr. Franklin."

9. Stephen Garcia
Joe Lee Dunn: "If you can't understand how or why a quarterback operates, you're dealing with doubt, which is very dangerous. So, when in doubt, blitz everyone."

10. Steve Spurrier
Dave Rowe: "A fake punt from his own 32? The Ball Coach isn't afraid of anything! Except maybe the back nine at Augusta!"

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using whatever lines he can find, even those sites where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl, Gray tries to beat the spread.
Season: 12-8-1 (.595)

Auburn (+3.5) at Clemson
The one-year anniversary of the first proclaimed God-thing win. After Clemson led 17-3 at halftime, Auburn woke up and ripped off 21 straight points. Clemson added a fourth quarter touchdown to force overtime, where they promptly missed an open receiver in the end zone and the field goal try that soon followed. Auburn did not miss their field goal.

Chizik told ESPN's sideline reporter that tonight was "a God-thing." Then he did this:

Ric Flair approved of that WHOOOOOO!!!

As for this game, let's see...

/checks to see if Dabo Swinney is still coaching Clemson
/laughs
/laughs
/laughs
/checks again to make sure he really is
/snort-laughs

I'll take Auburn and the points.

Ole Miss (-2) at Vanderbilt
Here is the most damning sentence ever written about Tyrone Nix and Houston Nutt:

"Larry Smith has shown that the one SEC team he can beat is Ole Miss."

I'm not sure Larry Smith would even be a good high school quarterback right now, but against Ole Miss he turns into skinny, black Tebow with a worse arm. And it's not because he elevates his game, no, it's because we are terrible.

Ole Miss has no identity on offense, an offensive line that admits it can't block a 3-4 scheme or defenses that stunt, and, as predicted, is playing two quarterbacks because its coaches can't make up their minds. GLAD WE'RE WORKING THIS STUFF OUT AS WE GO.

Let me tell you how this is going to go. Vandy is going to run read-option plays over and over again until they hit a few big plays, which they will. It's amazing that one type of play is going to run Tyrone Nix out of coordinating defenses for the rest of his career, but it will. Ole Miss will spend two and a half quarters farting around, running this play and that one, oooh, and that one over there, with no particular direction in mind, just running plays. A rally will get started late in the third quarter, but ultimately fall short because we have no clue what the hell we are doing.

Vanderbilt and the two points, please.

Coastal Carolina at Georgia (-28.5)

I'll be amazed if Coastal Carolina shows up with everyone wearing the same uniform. Georgia to cover.

Tennessee at Florida (-9.5)
Neither team has played anyone yet (Cincinnati does not count; they won four games last year), so who knows what the hell is going to happen here. I know I don't. Vegas seems high on the Gators, who, given the history of their team, are also probably high right now, but as long as my eyes don't deceive me, I notice that John Brantley is still playing quarterback for Florida.

While people who have subjected themselves to watching FAU and UAB play Florida say that Brantley looks much improved, would you trust him to cover a game by 10? Tyler Bray, of the gunslinger variety, has played exceptionally well thus far, but against far inferior competition. But, notice the word "gunslinger" and, coupled with everyone on God's green earth anointing him the next great SEC quarterback, thus convincing him his shit doesn't stink, can you trust him not to throw three or four passes to the other team trying to fit a pass in a window the size of a quarter?

THIS IS WHY GAMBLING IS SO HARD.

I've convinced myself to take Florida under the notion that I think Tennessee's defense to be a little soft and slow, which is a bad combination going against Florida's speedy rushers. That, and I do not trust Tyler Bray, mostly because we've never met, partially because of his jazz stars back tattoo, and a tiny bit because he's got a four interception game in him somewhere.

Navy at South Carolina (-17)
South Carolina is 2-0 and, except for Marcus Lattimore and a few big plays, has not looked good. Stephen Garcia looks completely out of sorts (more than usual) and its defense is hemorrhaging points. However, the defense catches a break this week, with a one-dimensional offense in Navy. It's a disciplined and successful offense, but South Carolina will possess athletic superiority across the board. I expect them to give a few big plays because that's what South Carolina does, but I don't think we're going to see Navy throw up 30+ points.

So that puts the burden of the cover on the Gamecock offense. Navy has played Delaware and Western Kentucky so far, so they haven't experienced this year the power and speed they'll see on Saturday. And two of their cornerbacks put together probably aren't as big as Alshon Jeffery. Against my better judgment, I'm casting my lot with an what I think will be an improved South Carolina offense and taking them to cover.

Louisville at Kentucky (-6.5)
Most amazing fact about this game: Someone is going to win. Maybe. And based on a betting strategy I just made up, which says, always take the points in a game involving two bad teams, I'm taking Louisville.

Troy at Arkansas (-23.5)
I like Arkansas' chances of making it through the first three games outscoring its opponents by a combined score of 155-17. Arkansas and the cover.

North Texas at Alabama (-45.5)
Oh, if only this were true. AND MAYBE IT IS.
Alabama to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck.

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 16-7 (.696)

Clemson
Vanderbilt
Georgia
Florida
South Carolina
Kentucky
Arkansas
Alabama

Mr. Blue
Season: 14-9 (.609)

Clemson
Stared down both slices, slowly walked over to Clemson’s beef, gave one last look to Auburn before destroying Clemson.

Vandy
No one, man or beast, has ever taken down this much meat in the name of Vanderbilt University.

UGA
Blue actually farted on his way over to the Bulldog meat.

Florida
Ate Florida, leaned back and licked his red rocket, then made no attempt to eat Volunteer beef.

Navy
Left the kitchen, rolled his bed up like a taco, made love to aforementioned taco-bed, then polished off Navy.

Inconclusive
Glanced at both meats, then walked into my closet and went to sleep

Troy

Alabama
Ate Bama, then part of North Texas before dropping half of North Texas in his water bowl.

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 20-3 (.870)

Auburn at Clemson
This year's game will be even more gut wrenching for the Upstate Tigers. Clemson will lose this game when the holder fumbles the snap on a last-second 22-yard game-winning field goal try. (35-34 Auburn)

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt
This game is too miserable to think about. The "JP Game of the Week Memorial Trophy" heads back to Oxford this year. (14-13 OM)

Coastal Carolina at Georgia
Both of these teams play like Cats. (45-0 UGA)

Tennessee at Florida
I hope Dooley rocks the orange pants in the Swamp. I don't think the pants will help on the scoreboard, though. (21-17 Gators)

Navy at South Carolina
I have absolutely nothing to say about this game. (35-10 Cocks)

Louisville at Kentucky
Two of the worst BCS conference teams battle to be the best team in the Commonwealth of Kentucky. What's the deal with a Commonwealth? It's sounds communist to me. I'm glad I live in a state. As for the game, I feel sorry for anyone who has to watch that pile of shit. (20-14 UK)

Troy at Arkansas
Arkansas has enjoyed a poo poo platter of opponents during the first 3 weeks of the season. (56-14 hogs)

North Texas v. Alabama
I feel a little better about the quarterback position after last week's game. Chest tattoo boy looked cool, calm, and collected in a what was a very hostile environment. I am back on board after jumping off of the wagon during the Kent State game. Did you hear me, AJ? I'm buying in to you even though you have a chest tattoo, so don't be an asshole and play like shit this week. (42-7 Bama)

Chris Low
Season: 20-3 (.870)

Alabama
Arkansas
Georgia
Kentucky
South Carolina
Ole Miss
Auburn
Florida

KING OF THE RING
C-USA Edition
Gray 12-1
Venkman 12-1
Poe 13-0

Tulane at UAB
Gray: UAB. Can we gamble on the number of Tulane fans to make the trip? Surely it'll be no more than 30, right? I expect UAB will triple that number.
Venkman: UAB. If Legion Field collapsed during a game with no one in attendance, would it still make a sound?
Poe: UAB

UCF at Florida International
Gray: FIU. I saw a highlight of one FIU player who looked faster than everyone else. Granted, they were playing Louisville and everyone is faster than that, but color me impressed.
Venkman: Pretty sure I thought these two were the same school for the first 25 years of my life.
Poe: FIU

Marshall at Ohio
Gray: Ohio. While I love McConaughey, I don't want him coaching my football team. Leading me on a treasure hunt in the Sahara for a Confederate ironclad? Absolutely. But football team, no.
Venkman: Marshall. I’d run through a brick wall for Matthew Mcconaughey, and so would you.
Poe: Ohio

Austin Peay at Memphis
Gray: Austin Peay. I just believe in the perfect season for Memphis.
Venkman: Memphis. I’ve looked into this, and it may be more cost-effective to encase the Liberty Bowl in a massive pyramid and call it The Tomb of Doom Part Deux.
Poe: Austin Peay

Houston at LA Tech
Gray: Houston. Someone tell Kevin Sumlin to send his resume to Oxford, please.
Venkman: Houston. Phi Slamma Jamma baby!
Poe: Houston

SE Louisiana at Southern Miss.
Gray: USM. My favorite part about Hattiesburg is using the bypass to go around most of Hattiesburg.
Venkman: USM
Poe: USM

UTEP at New Mexico St.
Gray: UTEP. Never give up, Pappy Price.
Venkman: New Mexico State
Poe: UTEP. Did you know that this a rivalry game? I sure as hell did not. This is the "Sonic Battle of Interstate-10." I bet the trophy is a piece of asphalt.

Northwestern State at SMU
Gray: SMU. I think it's about time the AD at Northwestern State called the Shrimp Boat Captain and asked him to come home.
Venkman: SMU. If you think Craig James is a tool now, watch Pony Excess.
Poe: SMU

Oklahoma State at Tulsa
Gray: Oklahoma State
Venkman: Oklahoma State
Poe: Oklahoma State

LSU/Mississippi State Picks

2011-09-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

The rest of the picks, power poll, and other parts of this dog and pony show will be up tomorrow. But, in the name of accountability, our picks for tonight's LSU/Mississippi State game.

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK*
Gray
Season: 11-8-1 (.575)

LSU (-4) at Mississippi State
I'm having trouble getting motivated to write something here. Feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Is there anyone out there who can get my ass in gear?

Well say, Coach Croom, well say.

With the loss to Auburn last week, Mississippi State continues to build evidence, dating back to last season, that they are a team that beats bad teams easily, needs a few breaks to get by average teams, and loses to good teams. I attribute that to two factors: One, while talent is sprinkled here and there, it's not a team with a heavy amount of talented players. Two, they are a one-dimensional offense.

Against bad teams, neither of those things matter, as long as you don't turn the ball over or do other dumb things to keep you from winning. Against teams like yourself, the difference in talent becomes almost nothing, which means you have to make a few more plays than the other team, or have them make the dumb mistakes. The other team isn't good enough to fully exploit your weaknesses, nor you theirs, so it comes down to being the least dumb and most efficient team.

The story changes against good teams. They have the ability to take away what you love to do and make you do what you don't want to do. In this case, LSU has the ability to keep State's running game (meaning: their offense) from putting up the yards and points we've seen so far. Their focus will be on making Chris Relf throw deeper and more often than he or Dan Mullen wants.

A full season and some change as a starter says he can't do it, but for State to win, he has to do it. It won't have to be many, but four or five big passing plays would probably change LSU's entire approach on defense, and would open more opportunities for State's offense. I'm betting he won't be able to, and, in combination with State's defensive front seven that looked awful against Auburn, I'm taking the Tigers to cover.

*You will NOT double your paycheck.

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Season: 16-6 (.727)
Mississippi State

Mr. Blue
Season: 13-9 (.590)
LSU - Immediately inhaled the slice of beef on top of the LSU index card.

POE VERSUS LOW

Cameron Poe
Season: 19-3 (.863)

The hype for this game has diminished considerably since Mississippi State shit the bed and lost to Auburn. Granted, they were going up against the will of God, but teams that have been running their mouth about winning the West should be able to beat average teams on the road. The team coming to Starkville today is not an average team. They will stop State's run, which amounts to shutting down State's entire offense.

One dimensional offenses do not move the ball against defenses like LSU. State's biggest scoring threat is a Jarrett Lee TAINT (touchdown after INT). Mr. Lee has been TAINT-less so far, but we all know the next TAINT is right around the corner. The problem for State is they need multiple TAINTS and their crappy defense is only capable of producing one TAINT. One TAINT is not enough TAINTS to win this game. I like saying TAINT. Dan Mullen goes to 0-9 in the West against teams not coached by Houston Nutt. (24-14 LSU)

Chris Low
Season: 19-3 (.863)

The middle of that Mississippi State defense looked vulnerable last week in the loss to Auburn. There’s nothing vulnerable about LSU’s defense, which looks faster and more menacing by the week. The Bulldogs will make a few plays on offense, but the Tigers will make a few more on defense. … LSU 27, Mississippi State 21

A Day of Remembrance

2011-09-15T09:18:00.000-05:00

Tonight, Mississippi State and LSU begin this weekend's games with a rumble in Starkville on ESPN that promises to be about 80% run, 18% questionable decisions, and 2% pass. The last version of the game in Starkville saw State get to the LSU 1-yard line before being stuffed on a fourth down play that would have won the game, and probably remain as the biggest win in Dan Mullen's career (and I just now recognized the pain of losing two games inside the 1-yard line. YIKES.). It marked the 10th consecutive loss to the Tigers, followed by last year's 11th straight defeat.

Four years ago, also a Thursday night ESPN game in Starkville, a grossly incompetent coach made the decision to air it out with his woefully underskilled quarterback against a defense that was far superior in every matchup on the field that night. The first three interceptions were understandable. If the coach's team was going to win, they had to take some chances. But after the third interception, the chance of winning was gone.

Yet, despite the complete failure of his passing game, including an inability to protect his quarterback, the coach insisted that the passing continue. There was a fourth interception. Then a fifth. Finally, a sixth. And all were thrown by the same quarterback.

It was a grizzly scene that, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, not sure which one, has been preserved by someone with way too much time on their hands. Seriously, someone has put highlights of like every LSU game from the past 10 years on YouTube (even the 2003 game against Ole Miss, which I have never gotten over). However, thanks to this dutiful person, we are able to observe that night and pay our respects to those involved on this kind-of-anniversary.

Just over 10 minutes, the video captures nearly all the of the damage. Sadly, interception number two did not make the video. But that's okay, because there were four more to be seen. For your convenience, I have marked the time of each interception so that you may be reminded in great detail of the events of that night.

#1 1:31
#3 3:35
#4 4:00
#5 6:30
#6 8:20

As chilling and career-crushing as I recall it to be. So now, please join us as we light our candles and raise our middle-of-the-road alcoholic beverages in memory of a performance, both playing and coaching, that we shall likely never see again. Michael Henig and Sylvester Croom, you are missed.

/raises lit candle and drink

/blows out candle
/guzzles drink
/yells "Go to hell, Ole Miss"
/throws cowbell at LSU fan

Sean Penn Helps Explain What Memphis Just Did

2011-09-14T17:41:00.000-05:00

The Memphis Tigers, once a program that could best be described as "they'll give Ole Miss fits," has become the worst football team I've ever seen (conveniently after the Ole Miss series ended). In two games, they've been outscored 106-17 by Mississippi State and regional non-power Arkansas State. They are currently ranked 113th (253.5 yards/game) in total offense, 114th (8.5 ppg) in scoring offense, 120th (628.0 yards/game and dead last) in total defense, and 118th (53.0 ppg) in scoring defense. And from the one game I watched, they appear to be the least organized team in America, all the way down to fourth grade YMCA flag football teams.

So how have they set about to remedy this problem? By canning defensive coordinator Jay Hopson. This action's effect is most accurately demonstrated by Sean Penn, trying to do whatever it was he thought he could do post-Katrina in a jon boat:

An Intense Study of the Tom Brady UGG Commercial

2011-09-14T13:02:00.000-05:00

Tom Brady’s boots are lined with sheepskin. His pants are lined with poo.
By Peter Venkman

0:01-0:04
As soon as Tom’s dainty feet hit the floor he’s in his furry house slippers. I’m going to assume Gisele is still lying in bed looking all kinds of Brazilian.

0:05-0:06
Tom makes his way down a hallway, then we get a brief glimpse as he passes over an oriental rug. Interesting note, the aforementioned rug is identical to the rug in front of my desk here in my home-office (this is the very loosest interpretation of the word office). At this time I’d like to stop and compile a list of the other ways in which Tom’s life and my own are identical:

1. We both have testicles.
2. We live in the United States of America

(that's pretty much it)

0:07
Quick shot of Tom descending a flight of stairs in bowling shoes.

0:08-0:13
Now in work-boots, Tom wanders around aimlessly in three different suburban neighborhoods. Though nice, these upscale Bostonian homes would list in the range of 600-900k. Tom is either high or buying a home for a member of his family or entourage.

0:14-0:22
Back in those strange, elfish-looking sneakers, but here’s where things get interesting. TB12 breaks into a trot in the middle of the sidewalk, comes to a complete stop, then busts out some kind of five-step drop/karaoke hybrid move.

0:23
Boots on the ground.

0:24
A rocket scientist over at UGG decided they might want to get a couple shots of Tom’s face for their money.

0:25
Brady points what looks like a piece of his own poo at the camera.

0:26
Ok, that might be a stick. No word yet on whether or not the tuck-rule applies to poo-sticks.

0:27
Who knew one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever live throws sticks like a girl.

3. We both throw poo-sticks like a girl.

0:27-0:28
Mangy-looking dog running next to Brady. Since UGG is based out of Australia, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that this is a dingo.

0:29
TB is jogging again. Either the dingo has turned on him, or he just made another poo-stick in his jeans.

0:30
Still looking for that Port-a-John.

0:31
Back in the brown sneaks. Still running. At least he changed his poo-pants.

0:32
In a bold fashion move, Tom has opted for Han Solo’s jacket from The Empire Strikes Back.

0:33-0:36
Dizzying shots of Link’s boots from Legend of Zelda.

0:37
Han Solo in the city (not the one in the clouds that is run by Billy Dee Williams hopped up on Colt 45).

0:41-0:42
Tom found a merry-go-round.

0:42
Exits a silver Corvette (wtf?) in his Sons of Anarchy boots while carrying an old-timey doctor’s bag.

0:44-0:46
More stairs.

0:47-0:49
Headphones head shot.

0:53
After traipsing through a locker decked in rich mahogany, Tom sits alone in the corner. No one will go near him in those skid-marked poo-jeans.

0:56
“You’re damned right I poo’d my pants!”

LSU Diagnosed With Pro Combat

2011-09-14T09:12:00.000-05:00

Tuesday, Nike released the latest line of its Pro Combat uniforms, with LSU, Stanford, Ohio State, and Michigan fans getting to see what their teams will look like in 30 years when football literally becomes a game of life and death (as of right now, according to the adage, it's more important than that). A few weeks ago we took a look at Georgia's version of future football, which, in typical Georgia gimmick uniform fashion, led to a crushing defeat. So now, we examine LSU's version to be worn against Alabama on November 5th.

FEEL THE COMBAT. SO MUCH COMBAT.

Of the four schools, LSU's is probably the most conservative and not a total departure from anything they've done before. Observe the white helmets from a few years back:

But I don't think anyone anticipated Pro Combatness of layer one of the armor:

OH THE SKINTIGHTNESS AND TIGER PRINT.

However, my favorite part, the mesmerizing stare of the Tiger eye gloves:

Something so beautiful, yet so haunting. I can't look away...

What do you want with me, Tiger eyes? Why won't you stop staring at me?

I surrender to your gaze. What will you have me do, master?

RIGHT AWAY, COACH MILES. A PLATE OF FRESH GRASS AND A GLASS OF CHAOS WITH A SPLASH OF ANARCHY.

Statistical Evidence Saturday's JP Bowl Will Be The Most Boring Game You Watch All Season

2011-09-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

Now, you may say that any game in which Houston Nutt is at the controls of one team makes this impossible, because at any point with Nutt things could go from pleasant afternoon to SO MUCH FIRE AND BLOOD OH THE AGONY in the time it takes Nutt to speak an independent thought (note: .48 seconds). However, two games into the season, which is a terrible sample size, but will be hammered into place to make it work here, the numbers tell of a different tale. And might I remind you these numbers were compiled against the defensive juggernauts of BYU, Southern Illinois, Elon, and Connecticut.

Total Offense
Ole Miss: 261.5 yds/game (12th)
Vanderbilt: 284 yds/game (10th)

Rushing Offense
Ole Miss: 121.5 (12th)
Vanderbilt: 125 (11th)

Passing Offense
Ole Miss: 140 (10th)
Vanderbilt: 159 (9th)

First Downs
Ole Miss: 15.5 (9th)
Vanderbilt: 13 (11th)

3rd Down Conversion Percentage
Ole Miss: 28.6% (9th)
Vanderbilt: 20.7% (12th)

First Down Running Plays
My frustration with the Ole Miss offense drove me to look up every play in both games to collect this information
Ole Miss: 40
Out of 50 first down plays, 40 were runs and 10 were passes. Broken down by game, it was 16 runs to 6 passes against SIU, and 24 runs to 4 passes against BYU. That's what I call CUTTIN' IT LOOSE, HOUSTON NUTT AND DAVID LEE.

By contrast, Vanderbilt is running wide-ass open as the 10th-ranked offense in the SEC. Through their first two games, they've had a total of 47 first down plays, with 23 runs and 24 passes.

Ugh. It's only Tuesday and I really, really hate this game.

For additional reasons why this game will be awful, a reminder I wrote this summer.

From The Weekend That Was

2011-09-12T09:34:00.000-05:00

Before we get started here, we pause to honor the HBC and his HBC ways by calling a timeout, let the other team call a timeout, and then follow that up with another one of our timeouts. It was a magical sequence that will make the final cut in my Spurrier documentary, Because I Can.

GAME RECAPS

Kentucky 27, Central Michigan 13
The Ole Miss/Kentucky game is going to be a bloodbath of three and outs. This season sucks so much already.

Auburn 41, Mississippi State 34
Since I am so rarely right, when I am, you people are gonna hear about it. From "Inside Gene Chizik's Office" on Thursday, Gus Malzahn asked Gene Chizik and Ted Roof how many points he needed to score in order to win. He was told 41. BOW TO MY SUPERIOR PRESCIENCE.

As for the game, both defenses do indeed stink, but Auburn's is a special kind of stink. Consider, that with 8:24 to play in the game, Auburn held a 14-point lead against a team that cannot throw, but absolutely has to throw to get back in the game. In the final 8:24, State ran a total of 23 plays, only passing THREE times, and was within a few inches of tying the game. Now THAT is especially horrible defense.

If Chris Relf ever finds any degree of accuracy in throwing 15+ yards down the field, this State offense would be very difficult to handle, even for competent defenses. But, alas, this many games into a career, and you are what you are. Despite his inability to throw, he's a fantastic running quarterback and really uses his size well. I doubt Dan Mullen wants him running 27 times a game, but when they do run plays specifically for him, it's almost a guaranteed four or five yards (except the final plays of games - ZING!).

/beaten with a nickel-filled sock by a State fan

Oh, and if there was any doubt, Auburn is repeating as national champion. Don't want you to be surprised when it happens.

Alabama 27, Penn State 11
If you enjoy seeing a defense that is going to destroy your team's offense, I suggest watching Alabama. Penn State doesn't bring much to the table offensively (one quarterback threw up a 1 for 10 on Saturday), but, at times, they were made to look like they belonged in another division of football. Their initial strategy of calling all three timeouts on the first drive of a the game was an innovative one, but ultimately failed when they ran out of timeouts.

Upon seeing the timeout strategy, somewhere near Oxford, Mississippi, Billy Brewer phoned former Ole Miss quarterback Russ Shows and told him, "Russ, these boys at Penn State are a bunch of thieving bandits. We patented that in the early '90s. I'm gonna call Joe and see if we can't get ourselves a royalties check."

Tennessee 45, Cincinnati 23
Before Tyler Bray is anointed OMG BEST QUARTERBACK EVARRRRR, can we at least see what he does against teams not named Montana and a four-win Cincinnati team? Sound good? Alright then.

South Carolina 45, Georgia 42
If you look closely, you can pinpoint the exact moment Mark Richt was ready to strangle himself with his headset cord.

(picture from the great @bubbaprog)

Georgia truly is a giant Ole Miss, all the way down to how their offense works. Obviously, Georgia's is more successful, but the lack of method to the madness is right in Houston Nutt and David Lee's wheelhouse. It's like Georgia is permanently stuck on random play selection mode in three or four formations in NCAA '12.

And I know he had a crushing fumble, but it's pretty obvious that Isaiah Crowell needs to touch the ball 25-30 times a game. By far the best player Georgia has on offense. So look for him to touch the ball 10 times next week. Or 75. Whatever the computer decides.

As for South Carolina, it's always nice when you're senior starting quarterback can go 11 of 25 for 142 yards and 1 TD, 2 INTs and you score 45 points. And it helps when a 270-pound defensive lineman runs 68-yards for a touchdown on a fake punt, which produced my favorite moment from the weekend:

Odds Spurrier retires when Marcus Lattimore goes pro after next season? TRICK QUESTION. He retired four years ago.

Ole Miss 42, Southern Illinois 24
Having your emotions tied to Houston Nutt and David Lee piloting an offense is like having a five-year old set your daily schedule.

"Well, this is okay. Getting some breakfast, no complaints with that...wait, I have to eat what? Popsicles covered in spaghetti sauce? I don't know about this. Now I need to run around in circles in the backyard? Oh, wow, that was kind of fun, but now I have to CHASE THE CAT WHILE WEARING AN ARMY HELMET? It's not even 9 AM and you're going to kill me."

I know I always fall on the side of sweeping, overly dramatic and reactionary statements, but I truly believe the only SEC team we have a chance to beat is Kentucky. And that's only because the fire in their kitchen is more out of control than ours.

Arkansas 52, New Mexico 3
You know what America could do without for the rest of ever? Another flashy karaoke contest disguised as a singing show. Every network, and even some non-basic cable networks, has one now. AND THEY'RE THE SAME DAMN SHOW. It's like someone decided that Chili's, Applebee's, and T.G.I. Fridays weren't enough for America, and we needed seven more versions of the three of those. THESE SHRIMP SHOOTER FAJITAS DON'T HAVE THE SPICE AND FLAVOR I'M LOOKING FOR. LET'S SEE WHAT A VERMONT-THEMED RESTAURANT CAN DO WITH THEM.

Florida 39, UAB 0
Don't look now, but...wait, look, otherwise you won't see what I'm talking about. Anyway, the Gators are 2-0 against the spread.

Vanderbilt 24, UConn 21
If you went to, or watched, this entire game, you deserve the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And if you're a UConn fan and watch every game this year, you are owed the Congressional Medal of Honor. No one who experiences that much figurative blood and horror can be expected to survive.

LSU 49, Northwestern State 3
Shrimp Boat Captain's alma mater rushing attempts: 27. Rushing yards: -4. Are we sure Ed Orgeron was in Los Angeles Saturday night?

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Aaron Murray, Georgia
19-29, 248 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT
If Murray lives to be 75 years old, thanks to his offensive line, he will have the body of a 325-year old.

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

Though he's not a player, Ted Roof, who also was responsible for the training of Auburn's eagle.

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Steve Spurrier
4th and seven from his 32-yard line, fake punt run with 270-pound defensive lineman.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Morgan Newton 4
2. Aaron Murray 2
2. Steven Garcia 2
2. A.J. McCarron 2
2. Phillip Sims 2
2. John Brantley 2
2. Larry Smith 2

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
Week: 5-2-1
Season: 11-8-1

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Week: 6-4
Season: 16-6

Week: 7-3
Season: 13-9

POE AGAINST LOW

Week: 8-2
Season: 19-3

Week: 9-1
Season: 19-3

KING OF THE RING

Gray 12-1
Venkman 12-1
Poe 13-0

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
LSU at Mississippi State
How will State respond on a short week to a crushing loss? Will Jarrett Lee finally get a pick six in? Could the ghost of Michael Henig haunt Chris Relf, causing him to throw six interceptions in a single game of football? Will Craig James and Jesse Palmer make you hate the noise coming out of your TV? I have no idea on the first three, but that last one, yes they will.

Tennessee at Florida
The 2011 debut of Uncle Verne and Gary Danielson. It's been far too long since we've seen our uncle.

Ole Miss at Vanderbilt/Louisville at Kentucky
Which game will feature more punting? Can any of these four teams convert more than 25% of third down plays? If all offensive yards are combined, will the four teams break 1,000 yards?

Week Two SEC Power Poll and Picks

2011-09-09T09:13:00.000-05:00

Carefully ranked by three voters, former Jefferson Pilot color analyst Dave Rowe, former Ole Miss (and everyone else's) defensive coordinator Joe Lee Dunn, and the SEC replay official that's gonna screw your team, this poll marks those in the SEC who spent the last week living the good life of victory, non-suspension, and blind luck or superior talent.

1. Ted Roof
Joe Lee Dunn: "38 points to Utah State? I once gave up 45 to Kentucky. The next week I blitzed 139 times. Did we win? Of course not. That was at the end of the Sherrill era. But we sure as hell didn't give up no 45 points."

2. Joker Phillips
Dave Rowe: "Haha! What a great win for Kentucky over Western Kentucky! They wanted to win the game AND THEY DID!"

3. Morgan Newton
Dave Rowe: "Courageous performance by Morgan! It wasn't going well, but he hung in there and made some great plays to beat a quality Western Kentucky team."

4. Connor Shaw
Replay official: "Had I gotten the chance, I would have helped him out."

5. Les Miles
Dave Rowe: "As a former offensive lineman, Les Miles is okay in my book!"

6. Jarrett Lee
Joe Lee Dunn: "If I ever played a Jarrett Lee, I'd have used my 1-9-1, made up of all defensive ends. Still would have blitzed nine, but his pre-snap reads would have been a bitch."

7. John Brantley
Dave Rowe: "Anyone once coached by the great Urban Meyer HAS to be an excellent quarterback!"

8. Stephen Garcia
Dave Rowe: "I appreciate how this young man has cleaned himself up!"

9. Zack Stoudt
Dave Rowe: "He may not have won, but this young man played some impressive football! Ole Miss should expect big things from uh, well, uh...."

(loses train of thought)

10. James Carmon
Joe Lee Dunn: "A left tackle who has never played left tackle before?"
/passes out with smile on face

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK* PICKS
Using the Las Vegas Hilton line, or if not listed there, some line found on a site where degenerates are able to freely gamble on prop bets in the Pro Bowl.

Last week: 6-6
Season: 6-6 (.500)

Central Michigan at Kentucky (-10.5)
The betting public has little faith in the Wildcats, as this line opened at -14 and collapsed three and a half points just like that. And nor should they have faith. I watched the better part of two quarters of the game against Western Kentucky and it may go down as the worst game of the year. Offense? NO. Incompletions? DOZENS. Punts? HUNDREDS. I really can't get over how awful Kentucky's offense was. Perhaps they assumed 25% of the playbook could get them by the Hilltoppers, but until I see a flicker of competency, give me the Chippewas and the points.

Mississippi State (-7) at Auburn
The first real test for left tackle James Carmon and everyone associated with State's team. As much as I enjoy pointing out Ted Roof's inability to coach defense, I look for them to have their stuff a little more in order, mostly out of pride, but somewhat out of they can't be that bad (or so I think). State will be able to score, but Auburn will do the same, as the Bulldogs will find out they really miss KJ Wright, Chris White, and Pernell McPhee on defense. In a fairly tight game, I'll take the seven points.

Alabama (-10) at Penn State
This cover is dependent on Alabama's quarterback (s; even Saban is not above Spurrier tactics) not throwing interceptions. Alabama's defense will keep this one under control, but it's up to the offense to get me my 11-point win I need. DON'T SCREW ME HERE, A.J. MCCARRON AND/OR PHILLIP SIMS.

Cincinnati at Tennessee (-5)
A trendy upset pick this week, Cincinnati even has people (you know, "people" out there and stuff) saying it will win the game outright. NOT BUYING IT. I'm basing this decision on the trendy upsets I usually get behind, then watch that team shit the bed. Vols to cover.

South Carolina (-3) at Georgia
I'm sure there's a saying somewhere about a coach backed into a corner being dangerous. And this may be true, but not when that coach is Mark Richt and he has an offensive line that can't block. Yes, the South Carolina defense gave up 37 to East Carolina, but it's hard to get ready for the Pirates when you're picking up golf balls on the practice field (perfect grass and the pitching wedge always needs fine-tuning). As long as Spurrier doesn't decide that Connor Shaw needs to get some third quarter action because he threw the ball well in practice two weeks ago, South Carolina should cover.

Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
After 10 minutes of searching, no line could be found. For fun, let's play over/under total first down runs by Ole Miss. I'll say all of them.

New Mexico at Arkansas (-36)
Interesting fact: New Mexico, during its 1-11 effort last year, never scored more than 34 points in a game. They did that once, and the next most points scored in a game hit 23. Razorbacks and the cover.

UAB at Florida (-23)
Bad team on the road against a team that figured out last week it CAN score on bad teams and such practice is not outlawed by the NCAA (not that rules have ever stopped a college football program from doing something it shouldn't). Florida to cover.

UConn at Vanderbilt (-1.5)
This line actually opened at UConn -5.5, so I understand nothing about the public loving Vanderbilt so much that a betting line shifted seven points in less than a week. I also understand nothing about someone who willingly bets ON Vanderbilt in a game in which they are not playing Ole Miss. I'll take the Huskies and the points.

Northwestern State at LSU
Again, no line. So, for our personal entertainment, will Jarrett Lee throw a touchdown pass to the other team? Will Northwestern State score for the first time ever against LSU? Sadly, no and no.

/boos self

*You will NOT double your paycheck

MAN AGAINST BEAST

Peter Venkman
Last week: 10-2
Season: 10-2

Central Michigan at Kentucky
Central Michigan. The Chippewas’ Director of Football Operations is a 61 year-old gentleman named Plas Presnell. With 28 years of experience under six different head coaches, Plas knows that on the road you get two chicken breasts instead of one and full goose-down comforters in the hotel. Look for the Chippewas to be well-fed and rested.

Mississippi State at Auburn
MSU. Barrett Trotter, the bell tolls for thee.

Alabama at Penn State
Alabama. Is there a better advertisement for the Howard Johnson's? The answer is no.

Cincinnati at Tennessee
Tennessee. Nice call on those orange slacks douchebag.

(Ed: How dare you. Coaches showing non-coach robotic behavior should be showered with praise.)

South Carolina at Georgia
Georgia. Mark Richt IS Rasputin.

Southern Illinois at Ole Miss
Ole Miss. "Paws in the air, Rebel fans!"

UAB at Florida
Florida. “You Could Be The Spark That Starts The BLAZE!” - but not this week, Blazer fans.

Arkansas
UConn
LSU

Mr. Blue
Last week: 6-6
Season: 6-6

Kentucky
Auburn
Penn State
Tennessee
Southern Illinois
Georgia
Arkansas
Florida
Vandy
LSU

POE AGAINST LOW

Last week: 11-1
Season: 11-1

The fact that this post is being written on my iPhone while I'm sitting at a bar in Tupelo, Mississippi will not prevent me from owning Chris Low for the second straight week.

Central Michigan at Kentucky
Other than Memphis, Kentucky was the worst team I saw all weekend. Directional Michigan school gets the big SEC win. (14-6)

MSU v Auburn
Last week's game was God-win number one for the Tigers. Only 5 more to go for bowl eligibility. While Auburn looked like shit, State looked great as they beat the hell out of Memphis. Last week's play makes State an easy pick here, right? Not so fast my friend! I'm going with God's team until I'm convinced they have fallen out of favor with the man upstairs. (29-28 Auburn)

Alabama v Penn State
I'm going to this game and will bring a full road trip report back to the Beast. Bama's quarterbacks sucked ass last week. I'm writing them off for the season. This will be a sloppy, low scoring game. (20-10 Bama)

Cincy v. Tenn
Derek Dooley wore orange pants last week. I hope he wears checkerboard pants this week. (24-20 UT)

(Ed: Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!)

South Carolina v Georgia
Georgia quit on Mark Richt before the season even started. I had doubts about their ability to beat Boise, but I thought they would at least go down swinging. What a pathetic performance. I don't see how Mark Richt survives. Teams that quit on their coach don't bounce back the next week (e.g. every game Ed Orgeron ever coached). Unless the Ole Ball Coach starts Connor Shaw again, the Gamecocks roll. (USC 38-24)

Southern Illinois v. Ole Miss
The Rebs would be in trouble if this was a basketball game. Fortunately, it's football and SIU is a I-AA school. Oh wait, wasn't Jax State . . .(Rebs 28-14)

New Mexico v Arkansas
Breaking Bad is a great show set in New Mexico. It cannot be said that the Lobos are a great football team from New Mexico. (49-0 Hogs)

UAB v Florida
This game will be over by halftime, which means that Charlie Weis can hit the press box buffet in the third quarter. (31-7 Gators)

UCONN v Vandy
This would be interesting if it were a basketball game. (20-10 UCONN)

Northwestern State v LSU
Jarrett Lee was praised for his play against Oregon even though he threw for less than 100 yards and completed less than 50% of his passes. I guess it was because he didn't throw a pick six (49-2 LSU)

Last week: 10-2
Season: 10-2

LSU
Arkansas
Ole Miss
Kentucky
Vandy
Tennessee
Florida
Mississippi State
Alabama
South Carolina

KING OF THE RING
Mountain West Edition

Gray 6-1
Venkman 7-0
Poe 7-0

San Diego State at Army
Gray: SDSU. Maybe Marshall Faulk's kid plays there now. If he has a kid. And a kid who plays football in college.
Venkman: SDSU
Poe: SDSU

Northern Colorado at Colorado State
Gray: CSU. The team that didn't have its punter stab someone.
Venkman: CSU
Poe: CSU

TCU at Air Force
Gray: TCU. Rebound? WHY NOT.
Venkman: Air Force
Poe: TCU

UNLV at Washington State
Gray: WSU. Already equaling last year's win total.
Venkman: WSU
Poe: WSU

Texas State at Wyoming
Gray: Wyoming. Hard to go against the team whose stadium was used by FNL's Coach Taylor's one-time employer, but that's what they get for making him only the quarterbacks coach.
Venkman: Wyoming
Poe: Wyoming

New Mexico at Arkansas
Arkansas

Inside Gene Chizik's Office

2011-09-08T16:45:00.000-05:00

It's time once again for college football's least frequent and most sporadic running show, Inside Gene Chizik's Office. In today's episode, Coach Chizik and the fellas try to figure out how Utah State scored 38 points, how they're going to stop Mississippi State, and how come Ted Roof disappeared four hours ago.

The scene opens with Coach Chizik and Trooper Taylor watching film of the Utah State game.

"No, no, no, no. What are we doing here? There's no technique, no reading, no nothing."

(rewinds to watch the play again)

"What is this? How are our guys so out of position? And why are our linebackers trying to use sign language to talk to each other?

"Ted thought it would help them communicate better."

"I don't understand. They can already talk. Like audibly say words to one another. Why do they need sign language? And from the looks of it, they don't even know it."

"Don't know, dog. That's just what the man said. Use the sign language to talk on the field."

"Good grief. Where is he anyway? Should have been here 10 minutes ago."

"He told me he was going to get some lunch. But that was at like 9:30."

"9:30? Who eats lunch at 9:30?"

"You got me, dog. Said he was hungry and taking an early lunch."

"Call his cell and see if you can find out where he is. Oh, and before I forget, I need you to call about that thing for that person who needs that thing."

(tries to wink, but closes both eyes)

"On top of it, bossman."

(leaves the room; Chizik returns to watching film)

"Would you look at that, we only played that play with seven defenders. Unbelievable. And two of those were wearing clogs!"

(door flies open, Ted Roof blasts in)

"Oh, man oh, man oh, man oh, man, am I late. So sorry coach. I went to eat lunch and lost track of time. Please don't fire me, please don't fire me, please!"

"Easy, Ted. Settle down. We can't fire you, remember? You know about that thing with that person who we got those certain things for. We can't have you saying things about certain things that may or may not have gone on around here."

"Oh, right. Those things. Yes, I remember now.

(tries to wink, closes both eyes and opens mouth)

"So what was for lunch today?"

"Cheeseburger Cheeseburger. And it was delicious."

"I can see that. You got a little mustard in your hair. Get something to clean that up a little bit."

"Thanks, Coach."

(picks up a towel off the couch and wipes mustard out of his hair)

(knock at the door)

"Come in."

(Gus Malzahn enters)

"Hey guys, listen, was just dropping by for a second. Wanted to find out how many points I need to score this weekend."

"Ted?"

"Uh, wow, let's see. Ummmmm, I'll go with Orange 16 Easy Wheat Toast."

(Malzahn stares at Roof, then looks at Chizik)

"I think 41 should do."

"Ok, no problem."

(Malzahn leaves)

(Trooper returns)

"Coach, got that thing done, you know, like you- WHAT IN THE HOLY SHITHELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY TOWEL, TED?"

"I had some mustard in my hair. From Cheeseburger Cheeseburger."

"You better get that shit to the dry cleaners before I bust your ass up! Mustard on my towel. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh, so sorry, Trooper. I'll get it done right away. Please don't hurt me or fire me. Please."

"Man, get outta here. And there better not be any starch in that thing either. Can't wave no towel with starch in it. Like trying to wave a poster or something."

"Of course. No starch. I'll do it now."

(Roof sprints out of the room)

"You may have been a little hard on him."

"I know, Coach, but that towel is like my son. Can't let nothing happen to it, you know. Plus, Ted needs to learn to eat without getting food everywhere."

"I know, I know. Say, do you think I could wear my leather jacket on the sideline this weekend?"

"I think it might be a little too warm. I'd try and wait until October at least."

"Hmmmm. Too bad. I really feel like wearing it."

"I tell you what, we can turn down the air conditioning real low in here and then maybe you can wear it and not get hot."

"That sounds like a great idea!"

(sticks out his hand for Trooper to join him in a one, two, three cheer)

"One, two, three...ALL IN!"

A Brief, But Fully Succinct Preview of LSU/Northwestern State

2011-09-08T11:33:00.001-05:00

The Shrimp Boat Captain's alma mater travels to Baton Rouge on Saturday to face the LSU Tigers, a team they have never beaten. In fact, the Demons (Northwestern State's name, not a slander of LSU) have never scored on LSU, losing all 10 games by a combined score of 417-0, which is very close the score of LSU's 2005 game against an Ole Miss team led by the Shrimp Boat Captain.

The good news for the Demons is that all ten of those games took place many, many years ago, with the last one occurring in 1942. However, the current bad news for the Demons is that they had to hold off a last-second two-point conversion attempt from Delta State, a Division II team located in flatly scenic Cleveland, Mississippi. Northwestern State was actually down 17 at halftime before coming back to win 24-23.

With that near-horrendous failure in mind, my preview of what to expect for three straight hours is below. Les Miles' daughter represents Northwestern State, and the Hat plays the role of LSU.

Official Belly of the Beast Stance on Conference Realignment

2011-09-07T17:29:00.000-05:00

A lot of people, well, actually none, have asked me on what side the Belly of the Beast stands on the issue of conference expansion/realignment. And, since we are in America and this is a silly little blog, I will spew forth an opinion that absolutely no one asked to hear.

There's no doubt college football is steamrolling in the direction of four to five 16-team conferences (anyone who believes otherwise also loves the current system of 34 exhibition games and one game that matters to reward teams and fans for living through three months of physical and mental agony). And if you're not in one of those conferences, you are not in Division I football anymore, and playing backyard football with Memphis, Iowa State, and Kansas State in the lot next to the abandoned tire factory. So it's in the best interest of every major conference (right now the main players are the SEC, Big 10, and Pac-12; everyone else falls into place after those three get settled) to grab the schools that they believe best fit their respective conference.

"Best fit" is sort of a vague term because some believe that phrase means who can help bring in the most money, while others want that phrase to mean schools that best relate geographically and culturally to current conference members. SPOILER ALERT: Those who are in the money camp are going to win. Money, even if it's only perceived money, is always going to win.

As a fan of a school in the SEC, I should be hoping that my school's conference picks up four teams that keep the conference on top of the mountain it currently sits. The idea being that the more prestige and cash money that continues to flow into the SEC will make my school better off in the Champion's League version of college football, as Spencer Hall calls it.

On the other hand (we have four fingers and a thumb), as a fan of a school that is in the bottom third of the SEC, is the addition of four more teams at or above Ole Miss' level a good thing for Ole Miss' individual success? Absolutely not. First, we already have to get around ourselves, which will always be our biggest enemy, then there are all the big schools like Alabama, LSU, Florida, Georgia, etc.

Adding four more schools with equal or greater ability for success only makes the road more difficult, whether it's scrapping to get into the Independence Bowl or the 16-team playoff that will eventually happen (there's way too much money sitting on the table for it not to happen). There's also the whole "more teams destroys the familiarity and natural rivals" argument that, while I tend to support it, isn't strong enough to overcome the dollar signs those in charge see.

I don't think anyone really wants any of this to happen, but standing still is not an option. College football essentially prints its own money. So, so, so much money, with even more money to come. But any kind of stationary activity means you're going to miss out on your chunk of all the money, which explains the actions of the Pac-10 last summer and the SEC recently (as well as those of Baylor and the other Big 12 schools trying to block Texas A&M from leaving because they know it's all over for them in Division I if A&M leaves). Because without a piece of all that money, you no longer exist.

So ultimately, I know that Ole Miss needs the SEC about eleventy billion times more than the SEC needs Ole Miss. For that reason alone, which is purely based on survival, I have to get behind the SEC doing what it believes is in its best interest. That doesn't mean I necessarily will agree with its choice of teams, but no one gives a damn what I think. And therefore, for now, my stance remains WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF FOOTBALL SEASON? SAVE THIS FOR NEXT SPRING AND SUMMER WHEN THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON. SERIOUSLY. WHAT A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES. ALL OF YOU.

The SEC Ushers in the End of Days

2011-09-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

Last night, the school presidents and chancellors of the SEC voted to accept Texas A&M as the newest member of the conference. Handshakes and backslaps were subdued because the group was informed that one Big 12 school (IT'S BAYLOR) was threatening to use fancy pants legal tactics to prevent A&M from leaving the Big 12. To address that issue, Bernie Machen, chairman of the SEC presidents and chancellors, issued a statement that said the SEC will accept A&M as long as there is no legal funny business that could gum up the wheel of this machine.

So, whenever Baylor is given whatever it wants (or is willing to accept), this conference realignment thing is for real (pro tip: As Baptists, they'd love some of our finest brown drink, but don't tell anyone you gave it to them; they've got a reputation to uphold and fascist alcohol sale laws to enforce). However, lost in the shuffle of all of this, is a prophecy written long ago that tells of things to come from the introduction of Texas A&M to the SEC.

Very few people, specifically, as few as zero, know that the book of Revelation was written to explain what happens when conference realignment starts. Angels, fiery beasts, scroll-openings, the 144,000 saved (sorry Arkansas fans, don't think you made the cut). It's all there. Particularly disturbing is this passage, which I don't think SEC Commissioner Mike Slive and the presidents and chancellors of the conference took into consideration:

Revelation 13:11-17

"Then I saw a second beast, coming out of the earth. It had two horns like a lamb, but it spoke like a dragon. It exercised all the authority of the first beast on its behalf, and made the earth and its inhabitants worship the first beast, whose fatal wound had been healed. And it performed great signs, even causing fire to come down from heaven to the earth in full view of the people. Because of the signs it was given power to perform on behalf of the first beast, it deceived the inhabitants of the earth. It ordered them to set up an image in honor of the beast who was wounded by the sword and yet lived.

The second beast was given power to give breath to the image of the first beast, so that the image could speak and cause all who refused to worship the image to be killed. It also forced all people, great and small, rich and poor, free and slave, to receive a mark on their right hands or on their foreheads, so that they could not buy or sell unless they had the mark, which is the name of the beast or the number of its name."

The beast that Slive and the others have unknowingly released on the land?

Last Minute Advice to Texas A&M From One of the Great American Philosophers

2011-09-06T17:39:00.000-05:00

With multiple reports indicating that Texas A&M will likely be invited to join the SEC as early as Tuesday night, there is a lone voice crying in the wilderness that the Aggies may not fully understand what's on the other side of the door. That voice is Bodhi, an amateur surfer/sky diver/philosopher/beach football player/beach bonfire-builder/party-thrower/sayer of the word "brah" and professional bank robber.

He has emerged from the surf at Bells Beach, Australia to issue one final reminder to the Aggies that playtime is over.

On head coach Mike Sherman:
"That's, ahh... that's a coach all right! Looks like a '57 Chevy I used to have."

On how the SEC approaches treating other conferences:
"It's basic dog psychology, if you scare them and get them peeing down their leg, they submit. But if you project weakness, that promotes violence, and that's how people get hurt."
(Like Mark Richt and Georgia)

On how not to behave as an SEC school:
"Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true."

On the SEC's relationship with the NCAA:
"You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it's master?"

On escaping the shadow of Texas, but entering the toughest division in college football, the SEC West:
"Life sure has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?"

On the attitude of SEC schools toward winning:
"If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love."

On why the SEC wants Texas A&M:
"This was never about the money, this was about them against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. They stand for something. They are here to show those guys that are inching their way around the country in their BCS coffins that the human spirit is still alive."

On Texas A&M going from playing one or two ranked teams a year to six or seven:
"Shit happens."

On the journey about to be taken by Texas A&M:
"Look at it! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity, man! Let them go out there and get on their own, just one time on their own. I mean, come on man, where are they gonna go? Texas and Oklahoma on both sides! They're not gonna paddle their way to California! Come on, compadre. Come on!"

Vaya con Dios, Aggies, vaya con Dios.

From the Extended Weekend That Was

2011-09-06T11:07:00.000-05:00

Let's get right to it. Here's to hoping I only have to watch 11 more games in which Houston Nutt and David Lee "cut it loose" on offense.

GAME RECAPS

Mississippi State 59, Memphis 14
How good is Memphis? They're now 14-point dogs at ARKANSAS STATE. But, give credit to State for obliterating a horrible, horrible team. If you are at all a decent team, you destroy the dumpy teams you play. One thing about State that should be noted and further monitored, is the left tackle, James Carmon, who is a career defensive lineman. He had a shaky start with a pair of false start penalties, and was easily beaten on some speed rushes. I'm very interested to see how he holds up against better defenders and more complicated defenses.

Kentucky 14, Western Kentucky 3
When Les Miles watched this game, he cried hot tears of joy. The Wildcats were outgained 234-190 and won. Morgan Newton was 7 of 18 for 97 yards and three picks and Kentucky won. VANDERBILT, THE OFFENSIVE INEFFICIENCY CHALLENGE HAS BEEN ISSUED.

Auburn 42, Utah State 38
Hey there, Ted Roof. So you still suck, huh? And there's no Cam Newton to bail you out? THAT STINKS. The Auburn defense gave up 448 yards to a an offense led by a true freshman, and, if not for the most perfect onsides kick ever (plus Utah State didn't do the thing were your first wave of return guys go and knock the shit out of all of Auburn's charging guys), would have cost Auburn a game they deserved to lose. If Auburn can't figure out any kind of run defense (DON'T WORRY, TED ROOF IS ON TOP OF IT), Mississippi State will run for 700 yards.

Alabama 48, Kent State 7
Praise Jesus the college football regular season is so important and protected by the BCS that we get treated to great matchups like this.

BYU 14, Ole Miss 13
Did someone inform Houston Nutt and David Lee that teams are allowed to plan for the first game of a season ALL OFFSEASON if they so choose? If they were not told this, they can now use that helpful information at their next jobs. Six months of planning (going back to spring practice) produced the Les Miles offense, which is fine if you have an LSU defense. While our defense played well, and infinitely better than last year, they are not of that caliber.

So it seems to me that a little more aggression should be called for to offset a defense that can't completely dominate opponents, and an opponent who openly said they're going to pack it in and make Ole Miss throw. And, if you're going to hide behind the idea of starting quarterback Barry Brunetti can't throw well down the field, then how about using his God-given athletic ability that you praised over and over again during the preseason. Maybe, let's say, and I'm just shooting from the hip here, but some read-option, roll outs, you know, things that take advantage of apparently the only quality that won him the starting job after Randall Mackey's arrest.

If you're not going to use him properly, why in the hell is he even back there? That decision, along with whatever the hell they were doing in the fourth quarter (3rd and 10: conservative draw; 3rd and 27: AIR IT OUT) never gave Ole Miss a chance. BYU was doing everything in their power to let Ole Miss escape with a win and, once again in my lifetime, Ole Miss refused to take advantage of generosity, even repaying that generosity with ALL the generosity ever.

/checks calendar
/sees December is three months away
/quietly sobs

Tennessee 42, Montana 16
Sneaky cover of the week? TOTAL SUCCESS.

Arkansas 51, Missouri State 7
Half a hundred prediction: CORRECT.

Florida 41, Florida Atlantic 3
Kudos to the Owls for averaging exactly one yard per carry. 30 carries, 30 yards rushing.

South Carolina 56, East Carolina 37
Guess what, Steve Spurrier? You already knew this, yet insisted that he get to start, but Connor Shaw stinks. Just give us Garcia the rest of the way so we can see Alshon at his greatest. This is our last year of him and we need this, dammit.

Vanderbilt 45, Elon 14
In the next five Vandy games (UConn, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Alabama, Georgia), they will not score 45 total points.

Boise State 35, Georgia 21
As a reminder, Mark Richt was feeling the heat, or what constitutes heat at Georgia, to change the way the Bulldogs go about their business after last season's failure. What did he do to attempt to remedy the heat? He reassigned the strength coach and promoted the assistant strength coach to head strength coach, then mentioned how tough the training was this offseason and that Georgia would be a more physical team.

Then his team showcases that new strength by getting pushed around by Boise State, a team less talented than Georgia (based on recruiting rankings), while still maintaining all the offensive issues from last year, including, but not limited to, lack of protection and no running game. If not for Brandon Boykin's 80-yard TD run (and he never touched the ball again after that), Georgia would have ended the game with 57 yards on 30 carries. Enjoy your time in a studio somewhere next season, Mark Richt.

LSU 40, Oregon 27
Checklist for a Les Miles victory:
-Did your quarterback bring nothing to the table?
-Did your opponent give you free touchdowns?
-Were you outgained?
-Did your defense play very well?
-Did your coach run to the wrong sideline coming out of the tunnel?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, Les Miles achieved victory in the manner in which he mental set out his goals to do so in a timely and organized fashion, which was the goal when focus was placed on tasks set before a talented team playing a talented team with great accomplishment and skill.

DEUCE MCALLISTER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who dominated with or without the help of his teammates and coaches

Vick Ballard, Mississippi State
10 carries, 166 yards, 3 TDs
After receiving this prestigious honor, Vick turned and handed the trophy to the Memphis defense, saying "Thanks, guys."

ERIC OLIVER OF THE WEEK
Given to the player who caused his team’s fans the highest degree of wailing and gnashing of teeth due to blown assignments and generally piss poor play

No one qualified down to the standards of this award.

JOHNNY VAUGHT OF THE WEEK
Given to the coach who dominated whatever task was in front of him

Les Miles
Armed with Jarrett Lee and a speedy defense, Miles dominated Oregon and really took the fun out of Saturday night, as both LSU and Georgia's games were decided in the third quarter. Point of interest: That's now three teams (LSU, Auburn, and Boise State) who have managed to control the Ducks when given extended time to prepare for them.

2011 Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure Leaderboard
Awarded to the SEC quarterback who throws the most interceptions during the regular season

1. Morgan Newton 3
2. A.J. McCarron 2
2. Phillip Sims 2
2. John Brantley 2
5. Aaron Murray 1
5. Jeff Driskel 1

DOUBLE YOUR PAYCHECK RESULTS
6-6
Right in the meaty part of the curve.

MAN AGAINST BEAST

10-2

6-6

POE VERSUS LOW

11-1

10-2

KING OF THE RING LEADERBOARD
Venkman 7-0
Poe 7-0
Gray 6-1

WHAT TO LOOK FORWARD TO THIS WEEK
Mississippi State at Auburn
If State wants to push for another eight or nine wins, they need this one. If Ted Roof wants to have a job next year, he needs to find a way to not give up half of a thousand yards rushing.

South Carolina at Georgia
Could this be the first Georgia/South Carolina battle in which scoring plays a repeated role? NO IT WILL NOT. It's in the contract.

2011 Through a Discount Crystal Ball

2011-09-02T11:06:00.001-05:00

Predictions, polls, and any kind of list of the top/worst whatevers are all inherently stupid. The bulk of that stupidity lies in the space between the ears of those forecasting, voting, or creating, and the minority of that stupidity lies in the concept of comparing and contrasting that which cannot be compared and contrasted with any degree of accuracy. By now, you've read dozens of these, some well-researched, but most pure crap done by lazy assholes who, when in doubt, throw in traditional powers and the only names they know on those teams, and sell it as gospel truth.

And that brings us to our predictions for the season. I can assure you these were poorly researched (if at all), totally based on what little memory we have left, and mostly centered around the idea of "that sounds good to me." You get what you pay for around here.

Winner of the Jevan Snead Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Quarterbacking Failure
(most INTs thrown in the regular season)

Gray: Tyler Bray (37)
Venkman: Barrett Trotter (15)
Poe: Tyler Bray (21)

Worst Offense (PPG)
Gray: Vanderbilt ($1, Bob)
Venkman: Vanderbilt (9)
Poe: Kentucky (13)

Worst Defense (PPG)
Gray: Ole Miss (29; Improvement!)
Venkman: Vanderbilt (31)
Poe: Ole Miss (27)

Fewest TDs Thrown on the Season By a Starting QB
Gray: Larry Smith (0)
Venkman: Trotter (5)
Poe: Larry Smith (3)

Team Most Likely to Pull a 2007 Ed Orgeron Season (0-8)
Gray: Vanderbilt (Ole Miss takes over if the Commodores beat them)
Venkman: Vanderbilt
Poe: Kentucky

Number of Stephen Garcia Benchings/Removals During the Game
Does not include Spurrier being Spurrier and rotating quarterbacks
Gray: Seven
Venkman: Three for poor play/hangover
Poe: Three

First Game in Which Les Miles Will Butcher the Clock
Gray: Oregon, and it will somehow work in his favor
Venkman: Oregon
Poe: Oregon

First Game in Which Jarrett Lee Will Throw a Pick Six
Gray: Less than two minutes into LSU's first possession against Oregon
Venkman: Alabama
Poe: Oregon

Coach(es) That Will Be Fired at the End of or During the Season
Gray: Houston Nutt and Mark Richt
Venkman: Houston Nutt and Mark Richt
Poe: Houston Nutt

Will John Brantley Cry on the Sideline at Any Point This Season?
Gray: Will Charlie Weis continuously sweat for the entirety of his time in Gainesville?
Venkman: Not unless he and Tebow pee in the same fountain, cross streams, and trade bodies before an SEC Championship Game beating at the hands of Alabama
Poe: Yes, during the Alabama game

God-Thing Wins by Auburn
Gray: Three. Clemson (sorry, guys, one more time), Florida, and Ole Miss.
Venkman: Four. Six if B. Trotts grows two to three inches, gains 20 pounds, drops one second off his 40 time, and reacquires the rights to his original knee ligaments (Pray, Gene, pray!).
Poe: Six

Without Looking, Name Kentucky's Starting Quarterback
Gray: The Ghost of Mike Hartline
Venkman: Carl Weathers
Poe: Jared Lorenzen

Number of Quarterbacks to Attempt a Pass for Vanderbilt
Gray: All of them
Venkman: 3.5
Poe: Three

Will Nick Saban Say Another Curse Word Besides "Damn" or "Hell" on Live TV?
Gray: You know it. My money is on "shitbuckets."
Venkman: Saban can do no wrong, thus any words previously thought to be unsavory become expected speech as soon as they leave his lips
Poe: Absolutely

Moment You Will Say "I Hate This Team and Am Done With This Season"
Gray: In the BYU game, third and 27, crowd is alive, Rebels need a stop, momentum has shifted, then we give up a 73-yard touchdown pass by the Cougars
Venkman: Seven minutes into the BYU/Ole Miss game
Poe: Second quarter of the Penn State game

Who is Finishing Where
Gray
East
South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, Vanderbilt
West
LSU, Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Mississippi State, Ole Miss
Championship: LSU over South Carolina

Venkman
East
South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Vanderbilt
West
Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, Mississippi State, Auburn, Ole Miss
Championship: Alabama over South Carolina

Poe
East
South Carolina, Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Kentucky
West
Alabama, Arkansas, LSU, Auburn, Mississippi State, Ole Miss
Championship: Alabama over South Carolina

One Day

2011-09-02T09:23:00.000-05:00

NO ONE CARES ANYMORE. Also, even with Austin Peay on the schedule, Memphis has a real shot at the perfect 0-12 season. Someone should make a YouTube video of their first half against Mississippi State set to circus music. And don't you try to hide, Kentucky. I watched, lost my vision for the better part of the night, but I watched. You may allow Ole Miss to reach two, maybe even three SEC wins this season. That is, if you are even an SEC team.

Peter Venkman
People call me crazy when I tell them I’ve never been to Athens, which has always been described to me as being “just like Oxford but a little bit crazier and with lots more bars.” This leads me to believe if I ever actually spent a weekend there I would be deceased by Sunday morning.

Gray
Athens is a giant Oxford without the Grove, meaning that your Friday and Saturday nights will be strong to quite strong, provided you are not a member of the Georgia football team. If you are, you can expect to be arrested just because you're probably about to do something really dumb. Sort of like a Minority Report for misdemeanors.

Cameron Poe