Wednesday, April 27, 2011

NFL Draft Coach Tweets

On the eve of the NFL draft, it is out of respect we take a moment and pause to remember the night Ole Miss defensive end Kentrell Lockett set Twitter on fire.  It was draft night one year ago on which Kentrell provided such eloquent running commentary, resulting in the loss of his Twitter privileges for a few weeks (THE MAN IS UNWAVERING IN HIS EFFORTS TO KEEP SOMEONE DOWN), but found his way into the one warm spot in this cold heart.

In hopes that the world of Twitter might provide similar entertainment for this year's draft, I've spent the last few days scouring the Twitter pages of coaches across the country in hopes of picking up some insight into this year's draft class.  Here's what I found:

(It's possible some of these aren't real.  Probably may be a better word.  Likely is probably the more correct word.  In no way, shape, or form are these real is certainly more accurate than any other statement.)

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Jim Delany Is A Reckless Monster

When not preaching from his mountaintop perch about the moral superiority of his conference over other conferences, fleecing what was the Big 12, convincing the NCAA to let ineligible players play in the Sugar Bowl, or crushing the peasant rebellion that is the call for a college football playoff, Big1TEN (or something like that) Commissioner Jim Delany does take time out of his day to occasionally tend to administrative matters.  Especially when he gets to push the Xerox printer to its limits in terms of collating and dipping into the 11" X 17" paper.  I'm told he's a fan of flashing displays and "computery-looking things."

Today's matter of business involves Delany pressing the television networks that televise B1GTen games to push back the starting times for all games by an hour.  Delany would like to see all televised games within the conference start at either noon, 3:30 PM, or 7:30 PM (central time).  For most of us, this means we won't get to watch the first 20 minutes of the electric 11 AM atmosphere of Northwestern/Purdue or Illinois/Wisconsin while we wait for Dave Neal and Andre Ware's faces to appear on ESPN's SEC Network, broadcasting a game that won't have an atmosphere until the second half when proper amounts of booze are flowing through the crowd's veins.

However, for those living in Jim Delany's kingdom, this proposed push in game times could mean the difference between life and death.  I always assumed the reason BTeN10ig games started so early was because the sun went down at 3:15 and if anyone was outside when it got dark, they'd all freeze to death.  Now Jim Delany is not only threatening my core beliefs, but the very existence of fans in his conference.

Aside from catering to television ratings and ignoring the backbone of the sport (all conferences do this, well, minus the ACC because they have no fans, because bills gotta be paid, y'all), what's your game here, Delany?  Are you trying to promote natural selection within the TEn1GiB fans by eliminating the weaker fans through death by exposure, thus creating a conference made up of nothing but super fans able to survive -27 degree wind chills?  Or are you just mad with power and want to see how easy it is for you to convince someone that their left hand needs to be on the green circle AND THE BLUE CIRCLE while their left foot needs to be on red, and have them do it?

Whatever your games is, Delany, you are a bastard, sir.  How dare you rock the boat that is a perfectly scheduled day like Saturdays in the fall.  This is nothing short of...

Wait, what?  Oh, I see.  So, if Northwestern/Iowa starts at noon, after the SEC game has already started, there's a chance I won't see any iG1TNB0E football on Saturdays?  Well, then.

My apologies, Mr. Delany.  Proceed away, sir, proceed away.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Jim Tressel May Have Known Who Burned Down His Neighbor's House

Am I stating a fact or a wildly unsubstantiated rumor I made up 10 minutes ago?  Does Tressel even have a neighbor?  If so, did that neighbor's house burn to the ground?  Was Tressel given prior knowledge of the possibility of the fire?  DID THE FAMILY DOG MAKE IT OUT ALIVE? 

I don't know and neither does Jim Tressel, based on how he responded to the events that will surely get him fired from Ohio State, which have now escalated thanks to the NCAA putting this case on the fast track to Sanction Town.  Let this be a lesson to those of you who have not seen 17 complete seasons of Cops; pretend ignorance of the law and saying "I don't know" NEVER works out for the best.  Tressel is like the guy who gets pulled over, is acting a little too fidgety for the cop's liking, and after a few questions, the trunk is popped open and, uh-oh, there's a meth lab cooking away back there. 

"Sir, what is all of this for?"

"Just some supplies I need."



"You're not making crystal meth are you?"

"Uh, no.  What is...I don't know what that is."

"Sir, you're not lying to me are you?"

"No, I just...these are things I need."

"To make crystal meth?"

"I didn't do anything wrong.  I'm just driving home."

"Sir, I think you know what you're doing with all of this."

"No, this is just stuff I needed to pick up."

"Sir, you do know making crystal meth is illegal?"

"What?  No, I don't know.  This belongs to friend."

"Sir, I'm gonna ask you to turn around and put your hands behind your back."

"I didn't know this was wrong.  These are just bowls and some ammonia that I need."

"Sir, please turn around."

/sprints away
/run down within 50 yards of car and cracked in the back with a night stick
/high fives between sheriff's department deputies

While Jim Tressel is being processed at the local detention center, Florida's Janoris Jenkins is doing his best to find a way into the detention center.  Jenkins was arrested for the third time in the past year, and the second time in four months for possession of Gator Juice, more commonly known to those outside the Florida football program as marijuana.  At this rate, Jenkins will be arrested four more times for possession before the end of 2011, which is a blistering pace that even some of the great Gators of years past have to stop and admire. 

And speaking of admiration, a tip of the cap to the person in charge of filling out waivers at Ole Miss.  For the second time this year, the Rebels have smashed through the NCAA limitations on transfer quarterbacks, as West Virginia transfer Barry Brunetti was made eligible by the NCAA for the 2011 season.  Brunetti, clearly relieved by the decision, was seen in class today looking like every high school transfer student ever.

If only our opponents had the muscle of these waivers.

/blindingly bright angel appears in vision to tell of BYU scoring 52 points in first game of the season

Friday, April 22, 2011

Recap of Ole Miss' Spring Practice

As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible).

FINALLY, Ole Miss:

"Oooooohhh, buddy! So excited! Spring practice! Chance to get better. Get more awesome. Love it. Time to buckle up that, let's get better. Who wants to dance? Anyone? Kentrell? Oh, right. The crutches thing. You take it easy big guy. Come'on. Let's dance!"

"Now those are some real moves over there! Whoooo! My hips can't do that. No, sir. Too stiff. No twitch. Too old I guess. That's why I just kinda rock back and forth. Less stress on the hips.

Did you know dancing used to be against the law? Not sure where I heard that. Rotary Club meeting I think. Can't imagine that. Life's too short not to dance. You got to feel it though. Can't fake feelin' it."

"Come to think of it, better put those people on the board. Circle of the Uncommitted. Those non-dancers. Not sure I can believe in those who don't like to move it."

"Uh, Coach, yeah. Don't mean to interrupt the dance party, but I've been thinking. I don't think I want to be here anymore. Well, it's like every time I get close to getting to play, you bring in like five new guys. I think I just wanna try somewhere else."

"Board him. Uninvested."

"Bad news, Coach. DT Shackelford just hurt his knee. Probably ACL. I think he might be done for the year."

"Can't trust those things. Those ACLs. Some work, some don't. Put 'em on the board."

"That reminds me. Car batteries. Died this morning. Was 35 minutes late to work. Can't have that happen. Put it on the board."

"Coach, a manager just told me the weather's supposed to be bad tomorrow. Thunderstorms with lightning. I think we should go ahead and tell the guys we'll be inside tomorrow."

"Oh, boy, man. You know, you don't want to mess with that stuff. Safety is key. Safety is always key. Hate that we can't be out in the elements. Better put lightning up there. Too dangerous to be around."

"Might as well put tornadoes up there. Before it slips my mind. Man, those things are scary. Give me the willies."

"Coach, you got a second? Wanted to run a formation by you in which our tackle takes the snap and pitches to the quarterback."

"I don't know about that one there, David. Seems kinda fishy. I've got a few ideas...wait, hold on. Need some pen and paper. Have a some more things that need to go on the board. Don't want to let them fly out of my thoughts. Can't catch thoughts that fly away."

/furiously scribbles down notes
/hands notes to manager to update the Circles of Circles

"Now, that just might do it there. We just watch ourselves around those things and we'll avoid all the traps and snares of the summer. Maybe we'll make them better as we get better. Don't want to get caught, you know.

Alright! Let's go to work!"

"Oh, hey, Coach. What are you still doing here? Practice ended three hours ago."

NOTE:  This brings the spring practice series to a close. I hope everyone enjoyed the show. We'll now resume our regularly scheduled marginally insanity-based programming.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Recap of Georgia's Spring Practice

As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible). And to catch up, we're ramping up production, trying to hit two schools a day.

First up today, Georgia:

"Hello, friend. Glad you could stop by today. Don't mind us, we're just practicing over here. Feel free to walk around, poke your head in doors that aren't locked, and pry open doors that are locked.

Even though I've never seen you or know anything about you, we trust you enough that you'll need no guide or someone to make sure you don't do anything that could damage our program. When you're done looking around, stop back by and say goodbye. Have fun, friend."

"OOOOHHHHH, IT'S A DEEP BURN! OOOOOHHHHHH!!! Oh, hey, sorry. Didn't hear you come in. Just working the arms with my shake weight. Coach Richt thinks it will help prevent dead arm.

What's that?  Sure, I guess.  I don't think anyone is using that computer.  Go ahead, take it.  It's yours."

"One puppy for sale! It's, like, you know, small and stuff. Like a puppy. I gotta...oh, hey, man.  What you doin' in here?  Lookin' around?  That's cool.  Hey, you want this puppy?  I could let it go for, say, two, maybe three.

No, man, hundred.  Not two dollars.  I got expenses you know.  I tell you what, I'll even throw in some of the food I'm supposed to give it.  No deal?  Awwww, man.  Come on, now.  Well, if you change your mind, I'll be here."

"Hey, pot-na, wanna buy a ring?"

/shriek and slam door

"So, Coach, then I said, 'NO! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT! And she's like, I mean, she's like 'Whatever,' but I, I, know what that's like, man? It's like, like (vomits everywhere)

I'm so sorry. So sorry, Coach. I'm kinda, you know, kinda, kinda losing it.

I love you, man. No, seriously, I LOVE you, Coach. You're the best."

"Oh, hey there again, friend. Sorry you had to see that with foam UGA. He's hit a rough patch right now. Trying to get his life back together. Oh, Coach Bowden? Yeah, we let him hang around. Makes him feel like he's contributing to coaching.

I love the guy. He's been like a second father to me. One of my professional mentors. But you didn't buy a ring from him, did you? Whew. Good. Because those things are NOT real.

Oh, wow. Look at the time. I gotta get going. I'm due at the pool in five minutes."

"Hey, bud, good to see you again. Hey, have you seen Coach Richt? The pool? Awesome. Oh, it's nothing. I kinda backed my Yaris into his Range Rover.

I don't think it did any real damage, but I thought he should know. Oh, man, I hope he doesn't make me do any more shake weight sets. Gotta run. Later."

"Now attempting a new world record backwards swan dive, your coach, Mark Richt!"


"Wow, this looked much easier in the video."

"Hi, I'm Jackie Sherrill, and I approve of letting unmonitored guests, shadowy figures, and whoever else wants to, wander around football complexes."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Recap of Kentucky's Spring Practice

As spring football practices wind down across the SEC and country, it's important that we learn as much as we can about what happened at as many schools as we can. There's no way we'll make it to all of them, but, dammit, we will try (I suggest keeping your hopes as low as possible). And to catch up, we're ramping up production, trying to hit two schools a day.

Lastly for today, Kentucky:

"Did someone say my name? Anyone looking for Coach Cal? Anyone? No? My mistake."

"Well, you know, the guys are really working hard. Just trying to get better every day. I really like our attitude and energy, but-"

"Whoops, sorry fellas. Must have taken a wrong turn back there. Hey, look, my watch. I knew I forgot something. This is kind of like..."

/spends 15 minutes telling self-deprecating Italian jokes

"Oh, right, Joker. Didn't see you standing there with all the mics and cameras in the way. Sorry buddy. I'll get out of your way."

"Yeah, like I was saying, our energy has been good. We're still looking for our leaders to step up and take control of the team. You know, as coaches we can only do so much, so at some point your seniors need to make it their team, and I think-"

"Alright, seriously, someone said my name. I know I heard it. Say, has anyone seen LeBron around? He texted me to say he was going to stop by for a few minutes. No one has seen him? Hmmm. Well, I guess I better hit him back. But if anyone needs me, I'm just around the corner, okay? Aright, guys. Talk to you later."

"Anyway, we hope some seniors seize ownership of the team. Hold the other guys accountable through the spring and during summer workouts. Because that's what all good teams have.  It's about-"


"Uh, yeah, but he just left."


"No, he didn't say."


"No, this is spring football practice."


"Spring football practice."


"No, just football practice. You guys wanna stay and watch?"


/pick up the scent of Calipari and move on

"You know our fans have been great. We're trying to get them to buy in to what we're doing. We've made some strides and I hope-"

"Sorry we're late. Got lost on the...wait. We're in the wrong place, aren't we. Dammit."